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From: larry@grkermit.UUCP (Larry Kolodney)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Worlds worst puns
Message-ID: <446@grkermit.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 24-Jun-83 09:33:09 EDT
Article-I.D.: grkermit.446
Posted: Fri Jun 24 09:33:09 1983
Date-Received: Fri, 24-Jun-83 23:16:19 EDT
Organization: GenRad Inc., Concord, MA
Lines: 73

The following, according to the Book of Lists 2, are the worlds worst puns:


1.	The Eskimo stabbed himself with an icicle.  He died of cold cuts.

2.	In his dessert list, a San Antonio restaurateur suggests, "Remember the
	alamode."

3.	There was an advice-to-the-lovelorn editor who insisted, "If at first
	you don't succeed, try a little ardor."

4.	The commuter's Volkswagen down once too often.  So he consigned it to
	the Old Volks Home.

5.	When a fire chief responded to a call from a lingerie shop, he found no
	trace of a blaze.  His official report read, "Falsie alarm."
	
6.	The wise old crow perched himself on a telephone wire.  He wanted to
	make a long-distance caw.

7.	A talkative musician couldn't hold a job.  Every time he opened his
	mouth, he put his flute in it.

8.	A farmer with relatives in East Germany heard that a food package he had
	sent had never arrived.  Optimistically, he assured them, "Cheer up! The
	wurst is yet to come."

9.	When the promoter of a big flower show was told that a postponement was
	necessary because the exhibits coudnot be installed on time, he explained 
	to his backers, "We were simply caught with our plants down."

10.	There was an unscheduled event in a Baghdad harem.  The sultan barged in
	unexpectedly - and his 62 wives let out a terrified sheikh.

11.	A critic declared that he always praised the first show of a new
	theatrical season.  "Who am I," he asked, "to stone the first cast?"

12.	Egotist: a man who's always me-deep in converstion.

13.	She was unanimously voted the most popular girl in school by the male
	half of the senior class.  The weighed her in the balance and found her
	wanton.

14.	A hen stopped right in the middle of the highway.  She wanted to lay it
	on the line.

15.	The husband of a talkative wife sighed, "I've geven that woman the best
	ears of my life."

16.	"It's raining cats and dogs," one man remarked.  "I know," said another.
	"I just stepped into a poodle."

17.	In Peru, a gallant cavalier fished a drowning maiden out of a lake - and
	married her before the Inca was dry.

18.	An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392
	clocks.  The nephew is now busy winding up the estate.

19.	The baseball pitcher with a sore arm was in the throws of agony.

20.	(At last!)  A Turkish salesman promoted an audience with an old-time
	sultan.  "I don't recall your name," said the sultan pleasantly, "but your
	fez is familiar."

Dodging the tomatoes,
-- 
Larry Kolodney
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