Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site rlgvax.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!cca!decvax!harpo!seismo!rlgvax!guy From: guy@rlgvax.UUCP Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Re: More UNIX Man Page Funnies Message-ID: <584@rlgvax.UUCP> Date: Fri, 10-Jun-83 01:42:16 EDT Article-I.D.: rlgvax.584 Posted: Fri Jun 10 01:42:16 1983 Date-Received: Sat, 11-Jun-83 08:32:17 EDT References: <166@packet.UUCP> rabbit.1574 <135@umcp-cs.UUCP> Organization: RLG Corp., Reston, VA Lines: 163 The following were originally done at Bell Labs; strictly speaking, they aren't what was being discussed here but they're amusing anyway. Guy Harris RLG Corporation {seismo,mcnc,we13,brl-bmd,allegra}!rlgvax!guy # The rest of this file is a shell script which will extract: # flog.1 tm.13 echo x - flog.1 cat >flog.1 <<'!Funky!Stuff!' .TH FLOG 1 .SH NAME flog \- speed up a process .SH SYNOPSIS .B flog [ .BR \-l n ] [ .BR \-am ] [ .B \-u ] process-id ... .SH DESCRIPTION .I Flog\^ is used to cause an improvement in the performance of a process which is already in execution. .PP The .I process-id\^ is the process number of the process which is to be disciplined. .PP The value .I n\^ of the .B l keyletter argument is the flagellation-constant, or the number of .I lashes\^ to be administered per minute. If this argument is omitted, the default is 17, which is the most random number. .PP The value .I m\^ of the .B a keyletter argument is the number of times the inducement to speed up is to be .IR administered . If this argument is omitted, the default is one, which is based on the possibility that after .I that\^ the process will rectify its behavior by its own volition. .PP The presence of the .B u keyletter argument indicates that .I flog\^ is to be .I unmerciful\^ in its actions. This nullifies the effects of the other keyletter arguments. It is recommended that this option be used only on extremely stubborn processes, as its overuse may have detrimental effects. .SH FILES .I Flog\^ will read the file .B /have/mercy for any entry containing the process-id of the process being sped up. The file can contain whatever supplications are deemed necessary, but, of course these will be totally ignored if the .B u keyletter argument is supplied. .SH "SEE ALSO" .B "Improving Process Performance by Administration of Corrective Stimulation," CACM, vol 4, 1657, pp. 356-654. .SH DIAGNOSTICS If a named process does not exist, .I flog\^ replies "flog you" on the standard output. If .I flog\^ kills the process, which usually happens when the .B u keyletter argument is supplied, it writes "amen", followed by the process-id of the deceased, on the standard output. .SH BUGS Spurious supplications for mercy by the process being flogged sometimes wind up on the standard output, rather than in .BR /shut/up . !Funky!Stuff! echo x - tm.13 cat >tm.13 <<'!Funky!Stuff!' .TH TM 13 .SH NAME tm \- meditate .SH SYNOPSIS .B tm [ .B \- number ] [ time ] .SH DESCRIPTION .I Tm\^ causes .SM UNIX to go into a state in which all current activities are suspended for .I time\^ minutes. (Default is 20.) At the beginning of this period, it generates a set of .I number\^ (default 3) transcendental numbers. Then it prints a two to six character nonsense syllable on every terminal currently logged in (a .I different\^ syllable on each terminal). For the remainder of the time interval, it will repeat these numbers to itself, in random order, binary digit by binary digit (memory permitting), while simultaneously contemplating its kernel. .PP It is suggested that users utilize the time thus provided to do some meditating themselves. One possibility is to close one's eyes, attempt to shut out one's surroundings, and concentrate on the nonsense syllable supplied by .IR tm . .PP At the end of the time interval, .SM UNIX returns to the suspended activities, refreshed and reinvigorated. Hopefully, so do the users. .SH FILES .I Tm\^ does not use any files, in an attempt to isolate itself from external influences and distractions. .SH DIAGNOSTICS If disturbed for any reason during the interval of meditation, .I tm\^ locks everyone's keyboards, prints an unprintable expletive, and unlocks the keyboards. Subsequent .SM UNIX operation may be marked by an unusual number of lost or scrambled files and lines dropped. .SH BUGS If .I number\^ is greater than 32767 (decimal), .I tm\^ appears to generate .I rational\^ numbers for the entire time interval, after which the behavior of the system may be completely .IR irrational . .SH WARNING Attempts to use .IR flog (1) on .I tm\^ are invariably counterproductive. !Funky!Stuff!