Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10 beta 3/9/83; site grkermit.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!genrad!grkermit!larry From: larry@grkermit.UUCP (Larry Kolodney) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Worlds worst puns Message-ID: <446@grkermit.UUCP> Date: Fri, 24-Jun-83 09:33:09 EDT Article-I.D.: grkermit.446 Posted: Fri Jun 24 09:33:09 1983 Date-Received: Fri, 24-Jun-83 23:16:19 EDT Organization: GenRad Inc., Concord, MA Lines: 73 The following, according to the Book of Lists 2, are the worlds worst puns: 1. The Eskimo stabbed himself with an icicle. He died of cold cuts. 2. In his dessert list, a San Antonio restaurateur suggests, "Remember the alamode." 3. There was an advice-to-the-lovelorn editor who insisted, "If at first you don't succeed, try a little ardor." 4. The commuter's Volkswagen down once too often. So he consigned it to the Old Volks Home. 5. When a fire chief responded to a call from a lingerie shop, he found no trace of a blaze. His official report read, "Falsie alarm." 6. The wise old crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He wanted to make a long-distance caw. 7. A talkative musician couldn't hold a job. Every time he opened his mouth, he put his flute in it. 8. A farmer with relatives in East Germany heard that a food package he had sent had never arrived. Optimistically, he assured them, "Cheer up! The wurst is yet to come." 9. When the promoter of a big flower show was told that a postponement was necessary because the exhibits coudnot be installed on time, he explained to his backers, "We were simply caught with our plants down." 10. There was an unscheduled event in a Baghdad harem. The sultan barged in unexpectedly - and his 62 wives let out a terrified sheikh. 11. A critic declared that he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I," he asked, "to stone the first cast?" 12. Egotist: a man who's always me-deep in converstion. 13. She was unanimously voted the most popular girl in school by the male half of the senior class. The weighed her in the balance and found her wanton. 14. A hen stopped right in the middle of the highway. She wanted to lay it on the line. 15. The husband of a talkative wife sighed, "I've geven that woman the best ears of my life." 16. "It's raining cats and dogs," one man remarked. "I know," said another. "I just stepped into a poodle." 17. In Peru, a gallant cavalier fished a drowning maiden out of a lake - and married her before the Inca was dry. 18. An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks. The nephew is now busy winding up the estate. 19. The baseball pitcher with a sore arm was in the throws of agony. 20. (At last!) A Turkish salesman promoted an audience with an old-time sultan. "I don't recall your name," said the sultan pleasantly, "but your fez is familiar." Dodging the tomatoes, -- Larry Kolodney (USENET) decvax!genrad!grkermit!larry allegra!linus!genrad!grkermit!larry harpo!eagle!mit-vax!grkermit!larry (ARPA) rms.g.lkk@mit-ai