Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!cca!decvax!harpo!utah-cs!utah-gr!loosemo2 From: loosemo2@utah-gr.UUCP Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: Nice Guys Message-ID: <798@utah-gr.UUCP> Date: Mon, 6-Jun-83 06:54:06 EDT Article-I.D.: utah-gr.798 Posted: Mon Jun 6 06:54:06 1983 Date-Received: Wed, 8-Jun-83 04:09:59 EDT References: gatech.179 Lines: 31 I too have irrational fears about personal relationships interfering with my career plans. Fortunately I realize that most of my fears really are totally irrational, and I'm willing to try to overcome them for that reason. But I don't think I'd be able to do it alone; I expect the man in the picture to be understanding and supportive and willing to help. If he "backs off" at the first mention of my fears, I don't care whether he's a "nice guy" or not; all I know is that he doesn't really care enough about me to want to help solve whatever problems there are between us. So perhaps you "nice guys" should be nice in a more assertive way. It's not easy for anybody to talk about their fears; it takes a lot of encouragement on the part of the listener. Don't try to brush off the other person's fears ("What a stupid thing to be afraid of!") or assume that the problems are insurmountable before you even know what they are ("Oh well, I'm too nice to push this person into a relationship he/she is afraid will not work."). Incidentally, I think the reason why so many women who are actively pursuing a career do have these fears is because it is so hard to maintain a relationship over a period of many years when both partners are also subjected to career pressures. It always seems like it is the woman (instead of the man) who is expected to give in when there is a conflict. Plus, it seems like women are subjected to more outside pressure than men as far as devoting themselves to raising a family. ("When are you going to quit your job and start having children?") We fear that if we ever do get involved in a serious relationship, we will have to be continually justifying our decision to devote ourselves to a career instead to friends and relatives, instead of just enjoying it. And finally, many of us career women have either had bad experiences with long-term personal relationships to overcome, or else have not had any experiences at all; and anything new tends to be at least a little scary. Froggy