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Path: utzoo!linus!cca!decvax!harpo!seismo!rlgvax!guy
From: guy@rlgvax.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Re: More UNIX Man Page Funnies
Message-ID: <584@rlgvax.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 10-Jun-83 01:42:16 EDT
Article-I.D.: rlgvax.584
Posted: Fri Jun 10 01:42:16 1983
Date-Received: Sat, 11-Jun-83 08:32:17 EDT
References: <166@packet.UUCP> rabbit.1574 <135@umcp-cs.UUCP>
Organization: RLG Corp., Reston, VA
Lines: 163

The following were originally done at Bell Labs; strictly speaking, they
aren't what was being discussed here but they're amusing anyway.

		Guy Harris
		RLG Corporation
		{seismo,mcnc,we13,brl-bmd,allegra}!rlgvax!guy

# The rest of this file is a shell script which will extract:
# flog.1 tm.13
echo x - flog.1
cat >flog.1 <<'!Funky!Stuff!'
.TH FLOG 1
.SH NAME
flog \- speed up a process
.SH SYNOPSIS
.B flog
[
.BR \-l n
] [
.BR \-am
] [
.B \-u
] process-id ...
.SH DESCRIPTION
.I Flog\^
is used to cause an improvement in the performance of a process
which is already in execution.
.PP
The
.I process-id\^
is the process number of the process which is to be disciplined.
.PP
The value
.I n\^
of the
.B l
keyletter argument is the flagellation-constant, or the number of
.I lashes\^
to be administered per minute.  If this argument is omitted, the
default is 17, which is the most random number.
.PP
The value
.I m\^
of the
.B a
keyletter argument is the number of times the inducement to speed
up is to be
.IR administered .
If this argument is omitted, the default is one, which is based on the
possibility that after
.I that\^
the process will rectify its behavior by its own volition.
.PP
The presence of the
.B u
keyletter argument indicates that
.I flog\^
is to be
.I unmerciful\^
in its actions.  This nullifies the effects of the other keyletter
arguments.  It is recommended that this option be used only on extremely
stubborn processes, as its overuse may have detrimental effects.
.SH FILES
.I Flog\^
will read the file
.B /have/mercy
for any entry containing the process-id of the process being sped up.  The
file can contain whatever supplications are deemed necessary, but, of course
these will be totally ignored if the
.B u
keyletter argument is supplied.
.SH "SEE ALSO"
.B "Improving Process Performance by Administration of Corrective Stimulation,"
CACM, vol 4, 1657, pp. 356-654.
.SH DIAGNOSTICS
If a named process does not exist,
.I flog\^
replies "flog you" on the standard output.  If
.I flog\^
kills the process, which usually happens when the
.B u
keyletter argument is supplied, it writes "amen", followed by the process-id
of the deceased, on the standard output.
.SH BUGS
Spurious supplications for mercy by the process being flogged sometimes
wind up on the standard output, rather than in
.BR /shut/up .
!Funky!Stuff!
echo x - tm.13
cat >tm.13 <<'!Funky!Stuff!'
.TH TM 13
.SH NAME
tm \- meditate
.SH SYNOPSIS
.B tm
[
.B \-
number ] [ time ]
.SH DESCRIPTION
.I Tm\^
causes
.SM UNIX
to go into a state in which all current
activities are suspended for
.I time\^
minutes.  (Default is 20.)
At the beginning of this period, it generates a set of
.I number\^
(default 3)
transcendental numbers.  Then it prints a
two to six character nonsense syllable on every terminal
currently logged in (a
.I different\^
syllable on each terminal).
For the remainder of the time interval, it will repeat these
numbers to itself, in random order, binary digit by binary
digit (memory permitting),
while simultaneously contemplating its kernel.
.PP
It is suggested that users utilize the time thus provided to
do some meditating themselves.  One possibility
is to close one's eyes, attempt to shut out
one's surroundings, and
concentrate on the nonsense syllable supplied by
.IR tm .
.PP
At the end of the time interval,
.SM UNIX
returns to the suspended activities,
refreshed and reinvigorated.
Hopefully, so do the users.
.SH FILES
.I Tm\^
does not use any files,
in an attempt to isolate itself
from external influences and distractions.
.SH DIAGNOSTICS
If disturbed for any reason during the
interval of meditation,
.I tm\^
locks everyone's keyboards, prints an unprintable
expletive, and unlocks the keyboards.
Subsequent
.SM UNIX
operation may be marked by an unusual number of lost or scrambled files
and lines dropped.
.SH BUGS
If
.I number\^
is greater than 32767 (decimal),
.I tm\^
appears to generate
.I rational\^
numbers for the entire time interval,
after which the behavior of the system may be completely
.IR irrational .
.SH WARNING
Attempts to use
.IR flog (1)
on
.I tm\^
are invariably counterproductive.
!Funky!Stuff!