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[MSTing] The Last War [Part 3 fixed] [message #183360] Sun, 11 September 2011 02:09
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[Note: For some reason, the latter half of the original part three got eaten somewhere along the line, and AIOE.org kept giving me repost errors. Here's the full version.]

> Chapter 3
>
> (A/N: Thanks for the positivity you guys! But I NEED REVIEWS
> DAMMIT! No reviews make me a sad panda 8o(

MIKE : I don't know how many different ways you can really say
"This isn't very good."

> Also, thank you Raquelle you fabulous beta you!)

KEVIN: Once again; Someone else read this, presumably gave
constructive criticism, and we still ended up with this.

> Stout, portly Ginny Weasley looked down the stairs of Number
> 12, Grimmauld Place,

BILL : "Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead..."
KEVIN: Why do I get the feeling she had to be talked down from
writing "fat, ginger slag, Ginny Weasley?"

> a hairbrush in one hand and a stick of lipstick in the other.

MIKE : [Ginny] This clown make-up isn't gonna apply itself.

> Clad in the yellow designer evening dress she insisted that
> Harry buy for her the last time they had visited Madame
> Malkin's, she called out to her husband.

KEVIN: [Ginny, shrilly] HAAAAARRYYYYYYYY!!!!

> "Harry? Is that you? Come here at once and help me tie this
> thing up! We're already late as it is!"

MIKE : [Ginny] If they start the bear beating without us, you
won't hear the end of it!

> Harry, who had only just entered from a long day of
> counteracting curses and chasing down a particularly nasty Neo
> Death Eater,

BILL : ...And not noticing his best friend and co-worker was an
alcoholic caveman.

> sighed and went up. Better to get it over with than having to
> deal with it any longer.

BILL : [Harry] *SIGH!* Better go see what my *wife* wants...

> Ginny was already waiting for him in her bedroom (for she had
> always insisted on separate bedrooms), topless as the halter
> top of her dress hung at her waist.

KEVIN: And this fic just took a turn towards "Hel-LO, Sailor!"
MIKE : [Harry, grumbling] I suppose she's gonna want sex now...

> "What took you so long?" she whined. "I can understand
> arriving fashionably late but this is simply the limit!" She
> turned. "Now, be a dear and tie this up, would you? Mary is
> already getting the children dressed. I still don't see why
> you had to dismiss that house-elf of yours. Kreacher would have
> been dead useful in dealing with the children."

BILL : Um... When did we stumble on a 60s sit com?

> Harry finally took his chance to speak in this rare moment of
> silence from Ginny. "I don't understand why we have to go to
> this party. I thought you hated the Malfoys."

KEVIN: [Ginny] But how can I tell the world that if I'm not
there?

> "Of course I do! But they are the most fashionable and well-to
> do family in the Wizarding World, and it would be simply uncouth
> not to go.

KEVIN: The Weasleys being well-known Wizard society fixtures.
MIKE : So it's "fat, skanky, horrible judge of character, Ginny
Weasley?"

> Besides," she added with a wicked grin, "Malfoy's son is only a
> few years older than Lily, and I think they get along
> perfectly..."

MIKE : [Ginny, haughtily] I'm an utterly shallow social climber,
don't you know?

> Harry gritted his teeth. It was now or never. "Ginny, I want a
> divorce."

MIKE : [Ginny] Okay, fine! We won't go to the Malfoys'!

> Ginny stopped her chatter about what Lily and Scorpius' future
> children would look like.

BILL : Half-human wizard, one-fourth Scarran, one-fourth
Sebacean?
KEVIN: Different "Scorpius", Bill.
BILL : I know; I just like my idea better.

> She stood there, her mouth open stupidly, as if unable to
> comprehend what had just happened.

ALL : BAROOO?

> Finally, she spoke.
> "Excuse me?"
> Harry said again, this time with a little more assurance.
> "Ginny, I want a divorce."

MIKE : [Harry] I'm leaving you for Kreacher.
BILL : Ew...

> Ginny turned to him. By now, he had finished tying up the
> dress, and he couldn't see much of a difference from when the
> top was down. The halter consisted of solely of two narrow
> straps just wide enough to cover her nipples, while the skirt
> had two slits on either side leading up to the thighs.
> Everything else - her back, her midriff, her legs, and all
> around her breasts - was totally visible. And quite frankly, he
> wished it wasn't.

KEVIN: We've replaced canon Ginny Weasley with a crossdressing
Eddie Murphy in a fat suit. Let's watch!

> Ever since Lily was born, Ginny had let herself go. Every time
> Harry tried to broach the subject, she would loudly proclaim
> that her eating habits were just fine, thank you, that Harry
> was being unfair and sexist in trying to make her lose weight,

MIKE : How dare he care about my health and appearance!

> and did he really expect her to keep her Quidditch-toned figure
> after three children?

BILL : Given that you're a Quidditch player - ex-player, I must
assume, I'm guessing "yes?"

> So Harry had sat and watched silently as Ginny poured pancakes
> with bacon, steak and pork smothered in rich sauces, and a
> whole litany of desserts down her throat,

KEVIN: And that was just this morning!

> and watched as it all went to her hips, her butt, her thighs,
> and her stomach - but never, he thought bitterly, to her
> breasts.

MIKE : So she's a fat, vain gluttonous whore... with small
breasts. Lovely.

> Now, the results finally showed. Ginny, in her yellow dress,
> was attempting to come of as a sex goddess, a red-haired
> bombshell, a smoldering sexpot right out of the dirty magazines
> is roommates had kept hidden back at Hogwarts. Instead, she
> came off as too much sausage stuffed into too little casing.

BILL : So Ron turned into every Lifetime Movie villain ever and
Ginny is now the third Fat Slag?
KEVIN: I'm guessing... Charlie's a serial killer, Bill and Fred
are just as evil to their wives as Ron and Arthur and Molly
have been turned into Al and Peggy.

> "Why?"

MIKE : Because you're turned into Jabba The Slut, apparently.

> Her eyes narrowed and her nose scrunched up in what was
> apparently a threatening look, but simply came off as her
> smelling something nasty.

KEVIN: o/~ "WHAM WHAM WHAM", went the bashing! "SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH", went my brain! o/~

> Now that Harry had started, he realized he needed to finish. "I
> don't love you anymore.

BILL : [Harry] You'd think the twentieth time I cried out "Oh,
Hermione! I mean, 'Luna!'" would've tipped you off.

> There's no point in staying married. We're, we're just like two
> roommates who don't get along very well."

MIKE : [Harry] I have worse metaphors, if you'd like.

> "Roommates!" Ginny shrieked, her hand flung out in a claw-like
> shape. For a moment Harry thought Ginny was going to hit him.
> But then, she apparently thought better of it, and dropped her
> hand. She walked towards him slowly, her voice now a low,
> seductive purr.

KEVIN: Reminiscent of gargling with gravy, no doubt.

> "I know what this is. This is just you taking that last little
> spat we had a little too far. Well, I have something that will
> definitely make you forget it, and you can have as much of
> it as you want..." She was now practically on top of him,
> pushing him towards the bed as she fiddled with the buttons on
> his shirt.

BILL : Wonder what the "Ew!" to "Ooh!" ratio is folks reading it.
MIKE : I hope it's 3-to-0 here
KEVIN: No worries on that score!

> Harry pushed her back. "That won't work Ginny. It might have
> worked when I was young and pent-up and full of hormones,

BILL : [Harry] And before there were two of you...

> but I know better now. I want a divorce."

> Ginny backed up, her mind now switching to a different tactic.
> "Who is it? Who's the filthy slut that's put you up to this?"

MIKE : [Harry] Her name is Ginevra Weasley. I believe you've met.

> Harry laughed, thinking it was awfully rich for Ginny to be
> calling anyone a "filthy slut."
>
> "There isn't anyone else, Ginny. Just me telling you I want a
> divorce. Is that really so hard to believe?"

BILL : [Ginny] Yes. You might have noticed I'm extremely vain and
stupid now.

> "It's Hermione, isn't it?" Her voice turned into a snarl. "It's
> that little Mudblood tramp, isn't it?"

KEVIN: [Harry] Would now be a bad time to ask "Which mudbood
tramp?"

> Harry felt the blood rush to his face. He was already used to
> Ginny's pureblood prejudice - her supposed commitment to equal
> rights during the days of Dumbledore's Army had been nothing
> more than mere posturing, all in the hopes of capturing his
> attention -

MIKE : Yes, because dropping the pretense and letting your
husband know that you'd consider his practically-sainted
*mother* inferior is just a part of marriage compromise!
KEVIN: I know telling my wife I considered her mom sub-human just
strengthened our bond!

> but the fact that she had brought up Hermione's name made him
> see red.

BILL : [Harry] Urge to kill: RISING...

> "It has nothing to do with Hermione and all to do with
> you," he finally replied, struggling to keep his voice down for
> the children's sake. They already were getting an earful every
> other night; there was no need for them to hear any more.
>
> "Of course it has to do with Hermione! I saw the way you
> looked at her back at Hogwarts - I knew you still had
> feelings for her, and you still had the audacity to marry me
> -"

BILL : [Ginny] Back when you said she was like a sister to you.
Back when you had the chance to shag each other rotten and
no one would've thought twice about it. How dare you stay
true to me!
KEVIN: [Ginny] You've been planning to leave me since the day we
got married!


> "I did not have any feelings for her when I married her and I
> certainly don't now!"

MIKE : Big ol' lie, right there!

> Harry shouted back, though he realized more and more what a
> blatant lie this was. Hermione never would have gone to a party
> at the Malfoys, no matter how rich or influential they were.

KEVIN: That entire thing in the Epilogue suggesting they and the
Malfoys had made peace being a big fat lie, apparently...

> Hermione never would have worn such a downright whorish dress
> to any kind of party. And Hermione would never have turned
> into the selfish, shrieking, harridan that now stood before
> him.

BILL : Hermione: Perfect! Ginny: Trash! WE GET IT!

> "Yes you do! Don't lie! You'd better get over it because she
> isn't yours anymore; she's Ron's, just like you're mine -"

MIKE : [Ginny] We got the receipts and everything!

> Ron. At the sheer mention of his name, Harry felt his hand
> tense, ready to slap her. He resisted.

KEVIN: [Ron] How dare you mention my best friend and brother-in-
law!

> "Hermione is her own person - she can't be owned by anyone,
> just like I can't be owned by you."
>
> "Bullshit!" Ginny's voice now reached earsplitting levels.
> "You've always wanted what Ron had,

BILL : And other than Ron's big happy family, shouldn't that be
the other way around?
MIKE : [Ginny] Shut up! Ranting!

> you always had to be famous, always the big hero!"

KEVIN: And what does this have to do with being owned?
MIKE : [Ginny] RANTING!

> "That's not true and you know it!" Harry roared back. Whatever
> considerable hatred he felt towards Ginny was now targeted
> tenfold at that complete arse Ronald Weasley,

BILL : So does every adult in this story have severe anger
issues?

> who could never do a damn thing on his own even now as an
> Auror, who never, never appreciated Hermione the way he did.
> And now, Hermione was putting up with his lies, his insecurity,
> his inability to even do something as simple as tie his own
> shoes without hurling insults at her, and the thought filled
> him with white-hot fury.

KEVIN: So Harry was aware of Ron's descent into cartoonish
monsterdom. He just did nothing about it. I think I
preferred Implausibly Oblivious Harry.

> Ginny's voice came to him from a distance, dimly shouting about
> all the ridiculous ways he had demeaned Ron and the rest of her
> family, but he no longer cared.

MIKE : [Harry, muttering] Yes, dear. I'm a bastard, dear. I'm
sorry for whatever it is you're mad about, dear.

> Harry could only focus on the smug smirking face of Ron on his
> wedding day, while Hermione stood beside him with a frozen grin
> on her face. He should have stood up there, should have shouted
> his objection like the hero of some romantic Muggle movie, and
> carried her out of the church and away from them all. But now,
> it was too late...

KEVIN: The resulting beatdown from Clan Weasley would've been
totally worth it.
BILL : Apparently, he did learn something from Snape: How to hold
a grudge.

> He couldn't hear Ginny's shrieking any longer, he could only
> feel his urge to reach out to whatever place that miserable
> waste of flesh Ron was, to strangle him, tear him apart...clear
> as day in his mind's eye, he could see Ron, feeling blow after
> blow on his wretched body as Harry sent curse after curse at
> him (there would be no ridiculous dealing of Experillamus),
> beating him to a bloody pulp.

MIKE : Wait... Please don't tell me this is suggesting HARRY
was one the one sending Murder Waves at Ron, instead of
Hermione?
KEVIN: It's obviously a metaphor for their deep soul bond, Mike;
that they could reach out across the ether, join forces,
and murder the hell out of Ron!

> "Harry, you listen to me!"
>
> The slap fell hard against her check, sending her reeling back.
> She stopped her shrieking, rubbing her cheek in mute disbelief.

ALL : BOOOOO!!!
MIKE : Our hero, ladies and gentlemen! The Boy Who Lived. The
Husband Who Slapped.
BILL : Remember, folks: It's okay when the protagonists hit
women!

> "Get out." Harry pointed towards the door. It was as if that
> slap had drained all the energy out of him, reducing his voice
> to a dull monotone.

BILL : Aimed for "Tranquil Fury", hit "Dull Surprise".

> "What?"

KEVIN: You really should have your hearing checked, dear...

> "Get out." He felt his energy and emotion returning to him. "I
> don't love you anymore and I don't want you anymore. Get out of
> my house."

MIKE : [Ginny] I don't get it. What are you trying to say?

> Ginny sputtered. "You...you can't do this to me."

KEVIN: [Ginny] I'm Charles Foster Kane!

> "I've already talked to my lawyer. The papers are drawn up and
> you can come to his office to sign them in the morning. In the
> meantime -" He drew out his wand and, with a few quick flicks,
> filled a suitcase with her clothes "- I want you to get out."

BILL : So this was less "I want a divorce," and more "We're
getting divorced. Deal."

> "I'll take the children," she hissed. "I'll sue for full
> custody of the children and I'll damn well make sure you never
> see them again."

MIKE : So that whole "Guy gets the kids, period" thing from
earlier was just a bunch of crap then?
KEVIN: Continuity? Bah! Who needs it?

> Harry laughed bitterly. Of course she would use the children as
> a weapon against him.

BILL : [Harry as Prince of Space] Ha ha ha! Your children have no
effect on me!

> It wasn't like she saw them as actual beings. "I've already
> gone over that with the lawyer. We put together a little
> portfolio of your behavior as a mother, and I don't think any
> judge in their right mind would let you near the children once
> they've taken a look through."

MIKE : You stop that real world logic right this instant! It
stands out like a bad green screen effect here!
KEVIN: [Judge] Wait.. These are all crayon drawings that say, "I
hate Mommy!"

> "Why should you care about them? They're not even yours!"
> Ginny drew herself up, triumphant at finally playing the ace up
> her sleeve.

MIKE : And Ginny goes for the break-up nuclear option!

> Harry paused. "I know. And I don't care. Now get out."

BILL : Credit where credit is due: Hell of a comeback!

> Ginny, unable to speak, stood there slack-jawed.

ALL : BAROOO?

> Harry could see her mind working slowly, trying to find one
> last argument to throw at him, but at long last she had run out
> of words to say.

MIKE : The gerbil finally died.

> Finally, she went into the walk-in closet she had demanded
> Harry add to the room. A few minutes later she emerged, dressed
> sensibly for once.

BILL : Wearing her "Screw this, I'm outta here" ensemble.

> She walked to the bed to take the suitcase, but couldn't resist
> one last attempt at melodrama. With a twist of her hand she
> took off her wedding ring (but not, he noticed, her gold
> engagement ring with the five-carat blue diamond) and threw it
> on the floor. She smirked at Harry, daring him to respond.
>
> Wordlessly, he took off his own ring and dropped it on the
> floor beside hers.

KEVIN: I'll take "She's An Evil Skank; We Get It" for $1000,
Alex!

> As it finally sunk in that he no longer wanted her, the smirk
> on her face faded. Struggling to keep her pride, she grabbed
> the suitcase and her wand from the dresser, and walked out of
> the room. Harry listened as she stormed down the creaky stairs
> and, a moment later, the front door slammed.

MIKE : [Harry] So... We still on for the Malfoys?

--
My name is Freezer and my anti-drug is porn.
http://freezer818.livejournal.com/
http://mst3kfreezer.livejournal.com/
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