Ladies and Gentlemen
You may reconize my name. You may not. In any case while I was working on
the Awards Dinner for the 2009 Golden Os
(alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated (ASCEM)'s annual awards) I came up
with this little filk work which I though ratmm might enjoy ... and it's
too quiet so it gets it before ASCEM or ASC might. (lucky you)
It might or might not survive as part of the 2009 Delayed Dinner. Either
way, enjoy.
Title: Caliber of Disaster
"And where in the H E Double L are the Enterprise Officers?" Marrissa
exclaimed. "Stephen is missing, this is an emergency." Her voice lowered.
"And all that we have here is a bunch of kids." Suddenly she smiled. "And
since Stephen is missing, perhaps that's the best thing."
Jay Gordon looked over at his friend Alexander Rozhenko. "I know that
smile. I've seen that smile before," he said. "We've got trouble."
Alexander looked over at Jay. "Marrissa's in charge. I don't see the
problem."
Jay stood up, and smiling at Marrissa, said, "Cue the music, maestro, and
sorry Marrissa." He winked at Marrissa, and she blushed, before he began
Well, either you're closing your eyes
to a situation that you do not wish to acknowledge
Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated
by the presence of young girl in command of the ship
Ya got trouble, my friend, right here
I say trouble, right here in this starship
Why sure I'm a Star Fleet Officer
Certainly mighty proud I say
I'm always mighty proud to say it
I consider the hours I spend
On duty serving the Federation are golden
Helps you cultivate horse sense
And a cool head and a keen eye
Never take and try to give
An center seat to yourself
from a senior officer falling down
But just as I say
It takes judgement, brains, and maturity to be
A Star Fleet Officer
I say any boob can take
And sit in command on a ship
And they call that sloth
The first big step on the road
to the depths of degra-day
I say, first, acting rank from an admiral
Then field promotion
An' the next thing ya known
Your child is in the Admiralty
In a white dress suit.
And listening to some big politician
Hearin' him tell about starship building
Not a Star Fleet Vessel, no!
But a ship which they bought themselves, a yacht!
Like to see some stuck up politician
Sitting on a bridge? Make your blood boil?
Well, I should say.
Friends, lemme tell you what I mean.
Ya got one, two, three, four, rank pips on the collar
Rank pips that mark the diff'rence
Between a gentlemen and a bum,
With a capital "B"
And that rhymes with "P" and that stand for rule!
Right here on the starship
Trouble with a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P" and that stand for rule!
Now I know you're the right kind of commanders
I'm gonna be perfectly frank.
Would ya like to know what kind of conversation goes
On while they're loafin' on the Bridge?
They're trying out phasers. trying out tactics
Tryin' out tailor mades like rainbow punch!
And bragging about how they'll cover it up in the report
One fine night they'll leave the ship
Heading for the dance at the star base!
Libertine men and scarlet women!
And Rag-time, shameless music
That will grab your son, and your daughter
With the arms of a jungle animal instinct!
Mass-staira!
Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground!
With that statement, Clara Sutter, Noami Wildman, Jake Sisko, and
Alexander broke into the chorus.
"Trouble, oh we got trouble,
Right here on the Starship!
With a capital "T"
That rhymes with "P"
And that stands for rule!
That stands for rule.
We've surely got trouble!
Right here on the Starship
Right here!
Gotta figure out a way
To keep the young ones moral after school
Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble ...
As Clara, Noami, Jake, and Alexander continued to chant trouble, Jake
continued.
"Mothers on starships!
Heed the warning before it's too late!
Watch for the tell-tale sings of corruption!
The moment your child leaves the house,
Does he raise his collar and stand up straight?
Are there pin holes on his collar?
A tech manual hidden under his pillow?
Is he starting to memorize the Captain's introduction, and keeping a
log?
Are certain words creeping into their conversation?
Words like 'engage?'
And 'make it so?'
Well if so, my friends,
Clara, Noami, Jake, and Alexander joined in.
Ya got trouble,
Right here on the starship!
With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P"
And that stands for rule.
We've surely got trouble!
Right here on the starship!
Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock, and the Golden Rule!
Oh we've got trouble!
We're in terrible, terrible trouble.
That center seat on the Bridge is the devil's tool!
Oh yes we got trouble, trouble, trouble!
With a "T" Gotta rhyme with "P"
And that stand for rule!
As Jay ended the song, Marrissa looked right in Jay's eyes with a
perfectly even expression. "Just for that, you're writing the production
numbers this year."
....
Stephen Ratliff
who wishes that Bill L. was still around to read this.
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