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From: dsn@rochester.UUCP (Dana S. Nau)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: overcoming shyness
Message-ID: <12701@rochester.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 28-Oct-85 12:55:24 EST
Article-I.D.: rocheste.12701
Posted: Mon Oct 28 12:55:24 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 31-Oct-85 22:38:18 EST
References: <1720@dciem.UUCP>
Reply-To: dsn@rochester.UUCP (Dana S. Nau)
Distribution: net
Organization: U. of Rochester, CS Dept.
Lines: 44

In article <1720@dciem.UUCP> reid@dciem.UUCP (David Brake c/o Reid Ellis)
writes:
>
>... The idea that if you have trouble meeting people that it
>is your own fault, and you should deliberately seek
>out things to do to overcome your shyness can become
>downright irritating.

Well, sure!  It's never good to believe "something must be wrong with me
because I am ".  That only makes one feel miserable.  A much more
helpful attitude is "I would be happier in the long run if I changed
 about myself, and I think it's worth working on."

When I was your age I was very shy, and I didn't have close friends because
I was scared of opening up to others.  But after a while, that began to feel
pretty lonely, and I made a major effort to become more comfortable with
people.  At this point, I'm very glad I did so--my life is much fuller
because of it.

>If you aren't happy at parties,
>singles bars, dances and other gatherings, it is likely
>you will make yourself miserable going to them, and lose
>your sense of self-respect. Better to wait for the unlikely
>to come out of the blue than to torture yourself by
>prostituting your dignity.

Overcoming shyness ain't the same as making yourself like parties and
singles bars.  I do like parties, but only if I have friends there.  And I
know very few people (if any) who like singles bars.  But at the age of 33,
I am a LOT better at making friends than I was when I was 19, and I'm really
glad of that.

> Caveats:
>My life experience is rather limited (19 yrs.), and after
>many long years of painful waiting, the Long Awaited One
>seems to have slidd into my life without the unpleasant
>need to do anything except attend classes.

I hope you don't interpret this as cynical--but I felt the same way about my
first love.  We broke up less than a year later--and although that was quite
painful, I think in retrospect that it was best that way.

	Dana S. Nau (dsn@rochester)
	from U. of Maryland, on sabbatical at U. of Rochester