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Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!mcnc!rti-sel!wfi
From: wfi@rti-sel.UUCP (William Ingogly)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Do we "need" relationships?
Message-ID: <507@rti-sel.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 28-Oct-85 10:19:40 EST
Article-I.D.: rti-sel.507
Posted: Mon Oct 28 10:19:40 1985
Date-Received: Wed, 30-Oct-85 05:41:17 EST
References: <1720@dciem.UUCP>
Reply-To: wfi@rti-sel.UUCP (William Ingogly)
Distribution: net
Organization: Research Triangle Institute, NC
Lines: 64
Summary: 

In article <1720@dciem.UUCP> reid@dciem.UUCP (David Brake) writes:

>I must disagree with Bill's analysis. His attitude has
>an unfortunate similarity to that of my father's. 

Probably because I'm old enough to BE your father (39 in January).

>idea that if you have trouble meeting people that it
>is your own fault, and you should deliberately seek
>out things to do to overcome your shyness can become
>downright irritating. 

It's not a matter of fault, but no one's going to change your life for
you. Ask yourself this: if your relationship falls apart with your
current Long Awaited One, what will you do? Wait for 'long years' again 
until Fate happens to throw you together with someone compatible? It's 
a matter of taking charge of your life, realizing that shyness CAN be 
overcome (I did it about 20 years ago: just about your age, as a matter 
of fact) and deciding to change your environment so circumstance will
help you overcome your shyness. It's work, but it's well worth the
effort. Now, I'm outgoing, love people, and have no difficulty asking
out total strangers I'm attracted to. And if I'm turned down there's
no hurt involved: some people simply aren't attracted to me, that's
all.

>If you aren't happy at parties,
>singles bars, dances and other gatherings, it is likely
>you will make yourself miserable going to them, and lose
>your sense of self-respect. Better to wait for the unlikely
>to come out of the blue than to torture yourself by
>prostituting your dignity. 

You mention making yourself 'miserable,' losing 'self-respect,' and
prostituting your 'dignity.' Here's some advice from my own
experience. Your problem, my young friend, may be that you're 
approaching every interaction with an attractive female at social 
events as the beginning of a potential serious relationship. You need
to examine your expectations in situations like this; next time you
meet a female and start talking to her, ask yourself what you're
FEELING about this woman, and why. You may find you're projecting an
intensity and longing in the initial encounter that's frightening
women off (even women who may be in the market for a relationship of
some sort). You need to learn that friendship comes first in a
relationship, love later. Learn how to appreciate young women the same
way you appreciate new male friends for shared interests or for their
sense of humor and put your lust and loneliness behind you. Your loss
of self-respect is in your own head; people at a party aren't going
around saying, "look at David over there; why, he's just lost his
self-respect!" and you might be surprised to know that a few of the
young ladies who rebuffed you later told their friends something like
"he's a real nice guy, but he's too INTENSE for me, following me
around the floor like a chick after a mamma hen!" Guess what: women
are human beings just like us men, with the same wants, needs, longings
and shortcomings we have.

As to prostituting your dignity, you'll come to realize some day that
life is way too short to worry about things like dignity. You need to
loosen up and stop taking yourself so SERIOUSLY (a not uncommon thing
for 19 year old people to do). I know your father has probably told
you this, but it can't hurt to repeat it: I've been there, I know what
you're going through, and I know that some day you'll look back on
these longings and feelings of hurt and realize that it was all
wasted energy.
                               -- Good luck, Bill Ingogly