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From: strickln@ihlpa.UUCP (stricklen)
Newsgroups: net.motss
Subject: Re: JR's posting on unfaithful lovers
Message-ID: <853@ihlpa.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 1-Nov-85 08:10:49 EST
Article-I.D.: ihlpa.853
Posted: Fri Nov  1 08:10:49 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 2-Nov-85 07:59:17 EST
References: <1158@decwrl.UUCP>
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories
Lines: 42

> >Subject: Can we have honest permanent love affairs?

YES.
 
> >But I wanted to be with
> >someone so badly that I accepted the cheating, unfaithfulness, and everything
> >else for about two years.

But how honest was your love?  If I may be so bold, it seems from this line
that you were not seeking love as much as you were seeking security.  

> >Not only have I been
> >played for the fool, but so many people know that I was played for the fool.

Most persons can identify with these feelings.  The last time this
happened to me, I looked around at acquaintances who had been through
similar circumstances.  Most were calloused, untrusting,
unbelieving.  It looked ugly to me.  I have always been on the naive
side, probably more trusting than I should be, but it has always
worked for me.  Yes, I have been walked on -- but I feel I have
gotten much more out of my relationships than I have lost to naivete.

Do not dwell on these bad feelings, but rather be proud of the way
you have handled your affairs.  If you must dwell on something,
then spend some time considering how your own actions might have
enabled (fancy word I learned from friends claiming knowledge of
psychology) your former partner's behavior.  Consider how it came
to be that you and your partner could have entered into a relationship
with such disparate goals.  Also spend some time
thinking about how you can fulfill your need for security outside
a primary relationship -- by strengthening familial ties and
nurturing friendships -- by inreased involvement in charitable
organizations.  If you can lessen dependence on a S.O. for
security, you will be more able to walk away from unproductive
relationships and less likely to rationalize sticking around for
more abuse.  You will be more free to love an honest love.

Good luck to you,*
  Steve

* credit goes to Dr. Ruth
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