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From: werner@aecom.UUCP (Craig Werner)
Newsgroups: net.med,net.jokes
Subject: A Pro-Smoking Article.
Message-ID: <2043@aecom.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 8-Nov-85 00:23:35 EST
Article-I.D.: aecom.2043
Posted: Fri Nov  8 00:23:35 1985
Date-Received: Mon, 11-Nov-85 06:18:56 EST
Distribution: na
Organization: Albert Einstein Coll. of Med., NY
Lines: 73
Xref: watmath net.med:2724 net.jokes:14857

:-)
[Some people have complained through both postings and letters that I have been
coming down too hard on the health risks of smoking.  Well in the interests of
fairness, I'd thought I'd present the following for all you smokers in the
audience.] 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Are you losing confidence in your ability to smoke in the face of 
stiffer health warnings? Or worse, do you feel as if it just isn't worth 
the effort anymore? Don't be discouraged. Blind faith is the key to success 
in any endeavor, but acheiving just the right balance of puffery and 
downright denial can be tricky.  It is especially difficult when you best 
friend -- a smoker of 30 years -- is beginning to experience hemoptysis. 
[coughing up blood]
     I think I've solved the problem with several hints that will bring 
your confidence level back up before you have to undergo chemotherapy.  
Just remember that the tobacco companies wouldn't take out all of those 
full-page newspaper and magazine ads if they wanted you to stop.

     * Associate with smokers.  It's downright annoying to have non-smoking 
friends ask you to sign "clean air" petitions while you're enjoying coffee 
and a cigarette.  If you don't make friends easily -- especially with other 
somkers -- pal around with names like Lorillard or R.J. Reynolds.
     * Use effective advertising.  Display a tasteful sign on your office 
wall: "Thank you for not breathing."  This will compete with the other 
side's more popular "Thank you for not Smoking."  As clean air fanatics 
enter you smoke-filled office, ask if they mind not breathing.  When they 
say "no," light up.
     * Remember the medical approach.  Tell how through willpower alone you 
stopped smoking for more than three years.  WHen you became ill, however, 
your physician insisted you start again.  Now he believes smoking saved 
your life.
     * Request a restaurant table in the no-smoking section.  After you've 
been seated, take out a cigarette and place it between your lips, unlit. 
Notice how many non-smokers turn pale.  A few may collapse from shock.  
This suggests that nonsmokers have a higher incidence of heart disease -- 
something the tobacco companies have maintained all along.
     * A similar tactic is to request an airplane seat in the smoking 
section, directly behind several nonsmokers.  Aim your battery powered 
portable fan,  then light up.  When you hear the yells, uttered 
incoherently in the aisle, turn to a neighbor, who is also puffing away, 
and casually mention how irrational nonsmokers are.
     * Have faith.  Secondhand smoke won't hurt you, especially if you are 
the one producing it.  On the other other hand, if your spouse or roommate 
is a nonsmoker, secondhand smoke may be harmful.  In that case, he or she 
had better learn to smoke as soon as possible.
       Your local tobacco shop offers instant smokestarter clinics.  If 
most folks aren't hooked within four weeks, there's a money-back guarantee.
     * Stick to cigarettes with optimistic names.  Next month a major 
tobacco company introduces their low-tar brand for terminally ill patients. 
"Hospice" cigarettes offer dying patients a chance to continue to puff in 
hopeful contemplation the the 45,000 scientific studies linking smoking to 
sickness are in error.

     Remember that using these hints will be rather like taking your first 
puff when you began the habit.  The assorted miseries of coughing, nausea, 
stained teeth, smelly clothes, and ill health will vary, depending on how 
much you smoke.  But once you've put these suggestions into practice, don't 
be suprised to hear low-pitched moans wherever you go.  It is likely to be 
your heart or lungs begging for mercy.

                         George Banks, MD
                         Tustin, California.

When the World is Your Ashtray
A Piece of My Mind
JAMA, Nov. 8, 1985 254:2596

-- 

				Craig Werner
				!philabs!aecom!werner
 "Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public."