Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site rti-sel.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!mcnc!rti-sel!wfi From: wfi@rti-sel.UUCP (William Ingogly) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: Do we "need" relationships? Message-ID: <507@rti-sel.UUCP> Date: Mon, 28-Oct-85 10:19:40 EST Article-I.D.: rti-sel.507 Posted: Mon Oct 28 10:19:40 1985 Date-Received: Wed, 30-Oct-85 05:41:17 EST References: <1720@dciem.UUCP> Reply-To: wfi@rti-sel.UUCP (William Ingogly) Distribution: net Organization: Research Triangle Institute, NC Lines: 64 Summary: In article <1720@dciem.UUCP> reid@dciem.UUCP (David Brake) writes: >I must disagree with Bill's analysis. His attitude has >an unfortunate similarity to that of my father's. Probably because I'm old enough to BE your father (39 in January). >idea that if you have trouble meeting people that it >is your own fault, and you should deliberately seek >out things to do to overcome your shyness can become >downright irritating. It's not a matter of fault, but no one's going to change your life for you. Ask yourself this: if your relationship falls apart with your current Long Awaited One, what will you do? Wait for 'long years' again until Fate happens to throw you together with someone compatible? It's a matter of taking charge of your life, realizing that shyness CAN be overcome (I did it about 20 years ago: just about your age, as a matter of fact) and deciding to change your environment so circumstance will help you overcome your shyness. It's work, but it's well worth the effort. Now, I'm outgoing, love people, and have no difficulty asking out total strangers I'm attracted to. And if I'm turned down there's no hurt involved: some people simply aren't attracted to me, that's all. >If you aren't happy at parties, >singles bars, dances and other gatherings, it is likely >you will make yourself miserable going to them, and lose >your sense of self-respect. Better to wait for the unlikely >to come out of the blue than to torture yourself by >prostituting your dignity. You mention making yourself 'miserable,' losing 'self-respect,' and prostituting your 'dignity.' Here's some advice from my own experience. Your problem, my young friend, may be that you're approaching every interaction with an attractive female at social events as the beginning of a potential serious relationship. You need to examine your expectations in situations like this; next time you meet a female and start talking to her, ask yourself what you're FEELING about this woman, and why. You may find you're projecting an intensity and longing in the initial encounter that's frightening women off (even women who may be in the market for a relationship of some sort). You need to learn that friendship comes first in a relationship, love later. Learn how to appreciate young women the same way you appreciate new male friends for shared interests or for their sense of humor and put your lust and loneliness behind you. Your loss of self-respect is in your own head; people at a party aren't going around saying, "look at David over there; why, he's just lost his self-respect!" and you might be surprised to know that a few of the young ladies who rebuffed you later told their friends something like "he's a real nice guy, but he's too INTENSE for me, following me around the floor like a chick after a mamma hen!" Guess what: women are human beings just like us men, with the same wants, needs, longings and shortcomings we have. As to prostituting your dignity, you'll come to realize some day that life is way too short to worry about things like dignity. You need to loosen up and stop taking yourself so SERIOUSLY (a not uncommon thing for 19 year old people to do). I know your father has probably told you this, but it can't hurt to repeat it: I've been there, I know what you're going through, and I know that some day you'll look back on these longings and feelings of hurt and realize that it was all wasted energy. -- Good luck, Bill Ingogly