Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site sphinx.UChicago.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!mhuxn!ihnp4!gargoyle!sphinx!benn From: benn@sphinx.UChicago.UUCP (Thomas a Coxus) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: The Perfect Cup of Office Coffee Message-ID: <1304@sphinx.UChicago.UUCP> Date: Thu, 7-Nov-85 23:16:45 EST Article-I.D.: sphinx.1304 Posted: Thu Nov 7 23:16:45 1985 Date-Received: Sun, 10-Nov-85 07:05:21 EST References: <1797@gatech.CSNET>, <441@persci.UUCP> Organization: Ivory Tower on Lake Michigan Lines: 78 Keywords: Brandy,strong-stomached [] And now, for something completely different. The Perfect Cup of Office Coffee The difficulties and hazards of Office Coffee are too well known to you for me to have to repeat them: how each pot inexplicably has a different flavor from the last; how coffee that is too hot to drink when first poured is too cold when you finally remember it; how the proper proportions of creamer and sugar seem to defy human measurement and control. After years of consuming my daily liter of coffee without complaint, yet without fulfillment, I and a team of researchers have finally hit upon a method of controlling the pernicious factors that vex us who rely on coffee to keep our blood moving before noon. That is, the Brandy Strategy. The Brandy Strategy is none other than an adaptation of the solution to a similar difficulty with brandy, solved only after much effort and expense. Brandy, though made from wine, does not have a vintage. This is because brandy is stored in large vats, several hundred gallons at least, into which each year is added that year's brandy production, and from which is taken that year's brandy to sell. But out of the hundred gallons in a vat, only twenty are from the new year -- the other eighty are left from last year. Thus the taste of a given brandy changes almost none from year to year. Apply the concept to coffee. Just never empty the cup. Certainly you should drink more than twenty percent; for this application you need leave no more than half of a good cup. When you are down to half a cup, you should wait for the remaining liquid to cool to room temperature. Then add piping-hot coffee to fill. The end product is almost always the perfect temperature for immediate consumption. Further, if the first cup was good, then even if the next pot was made by the boys in the mailroom as a substitute for glue solvent, your second cup will be, at worst, only half bad. This is more insurance that you need not suffer unduly from the bad habits of your officemates. [If, however, it was your first cup that was bad, don't be shy about tossing it out.] Now add half the amount of sugar or creamer that you'd use for a normal cup. Studies have shown that it is impossible for a normal adult to properly estimate the correct proportions without measuring spoons, and most offices provide nothing but a swizzel stick, so this can be a trying experience for any caffeine addict. Not to worry. With half a cup drunk, you will already know how far off your mixture is. And guessing half an unknown is much easier than guessing the whole thing. Experience has shown that by the end of a business day, a virgin cup can be refined to near-perfection, often within three or four tries. If, by the end of the day, you have what may almost be the Perfect Cup, then do not despair. Put the cup, half full, on your desk and leave it for the night. It cannot get any colder than room temperature, and the next morning you will cleverly avoid having to wait for your first cup to cool. Do not underestimate the good this does for morale in the early a. m. Experience is a good teacher, and she has shown that a weekend is in fact just a bit too long to leave your coffee. This had been a hot debate until one of the strongest pro-weekenders was throttled by something that had spawned in his cup over the Thanksgiving holiday just last year. Apparantly these creatures are no more easygoing than we are early on a Monday morning. Copyright c 1985 by Thomas Cox. All rights reserved. Permission to reprint is given provided this notice is left intact.