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From: gm@trsvax
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Subject: Dave Barry: Don't Be Such A Jerk
Message-ID: <53100145@trsvax>
Date: Sun, 27-Oct-85 19:30:00 EST
Article-I.D.: trsvax.53100145
Posted: Sun Oct 27 19:30:00 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 10-Nov-85 08:11:56 EST
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Nf-From: trsvax!gm    Oct 27 18:30:00 1985



		Dave Barry reviews a major new self-help book

 
                              "DON'T BE SUCH A JERK"
                            A Major New Self-Help Book
                               by Dr. Lance Canker
 
 
  About the author -- Dr. Lance Canker has had a lifelong interest in
psychology ever since 1963, when he had his name legally changed from "Lance
Canker" to "Dr. Lance Canker." He has written a number of other self-help
books, including "Becoming a More Total You" and "God, Are You Fat!" In
addition to writing these books, he also promotes them relentlessly on
television talk shows and once would have been the backup guest on Phil Donahue
if the bisexual lumberjacks had canceled.

  Introduction -- How did I come to write this book? In my busy practice as a
person with a lifelong interest in psychology, I see many, many patients who,
despite the fact that they are attractive, intelligent and talented, are
nevertheless desperately unhappy. One of them is lying in my office even as I
write these words, droning away about killing himself. During sessions like
this, I often reflect on how unfair a place the world is, in the sense that
this is something like my eighth self-help book, yet I still must derive income
from listening to neurotic babble, whereas a person like Leo Buscaglia has made
I would estimate millions of dollars from hardcover sales alone just because of
one lousy idea, namely that you should go around hugging strangers and claiming
you love them. If any of you readers out there have any contagious social
diseases, I'd like you to give Dr. Leo Buscaglia a big kiss right on the lips.
Wouldn't that be great? Ha ha! Thank you.

  Why you need this book -- Let me tell you a little story about a man I'll
call "Ed." Although he is attractive, intelligent and talented, Ed just
couldn't seem to get things to go right for him. At work, he was passed over
for promotion time after time; at home, although he loved his wife very, very
much, she gradually became cooler toward him, and he had begun to suspect she
was having an affair. When he came to me for help, Ed was reaching the point
where he felt he had nothing left to live for.
  You ask: What was Ed's problem? To which I answer: Who the hell cares? I just
made him up anyway. That's the trouble with you: You're always getting all
wrought up about other people's problems when you should be getting all wrought
up about your own problems. This book can help you. Buy it. Read it. Tell your
friends about it. Buy my other books. Send me some money in a box.

  Chapter One: What you should do -- Just as a nasal-spray container has a
screw-on cap so the contents don't squirt out in your pocket and make you look
like you wet your pants, so also does the "game of life" have four "rules to
live by." Here they are:
  Rule Number One: Lighten up. Not long ago, I gave a dinner party attended by
every major Western head of state and a young man I'll call "Jon." Although he
is attractive, intelligent and talented, Jon was a very unhappy person, and he
was thinking of killing himself. So I took him aside. "Jon," I said. "Whoa."
Today, he is the president of General Motors.
  Rule Number Two: Don't worry. Not long ago, I got a telephone call from a
major world religious leader, whom I'll call "the pope." Although he is
attractive, intelligent and talented, he was feeling tremendous anxiety about
the fate of mankind. "Hey," I advised him. "Forget it." And today he, too, is
the president of General Motors.
  Rule Number Three: Eat plenty of green, leafy vegetables.
  Rule Number Four: Confront your fears. Let's say that you, like so many of
the people I see in my practice, have the constant, nagging feeling that
strangers want to sneak up behind you and put ticks in your hair, and as a 
result you are afraid to go to the shopping malls. You must deal with this
fear. You must GO to the shopping mall, RIGHT NOW, and you must walk around
VERY CASUALLY, as though you DON'T SUSPECT A THING, maybe even BUY SOME FUDGE,
and then, when they are starting to get cocky, you must WHIRL around, PULL OUT
YOUR NAIL FILE, and TELL THEM, in your loudest, clearest voice, that you know
EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE UP TO, AND THEY BETTER STOP RIGHT NOW. And remember this:
Sometimes they hide in the trash can.

  Chapter Two: reviewing what you have learned -- In this chapter, we will
review what you have learned. You have learned that there are these four rules,
and you should live by them, and don't ask a lot of stupid questions.

  Afterword -- In this book, you and I have gone through a great deal together.
We have taken a long, sensitive look at your individual needs, and suggested
positive, common-sense steps you can take to help yourself stop being such a
dweeb. But this book can do only so much. If you really, really want to achieve
total fulfillment as a human being, you also need the cassette tapes, and if
your local retail book outlet refuses to order them, I quite frankly fail to
see why you would want to go on living. 

(Copyright 1985 Knight-Ridder Newspapers)