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From: lkk@teddy.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: The "Reality" of Electronic Communication
Message-ID: <1617@teddy.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 8-Nov-85 16:18:06 EST
Article-I.D.: teddy.1617
Posted: Fri Nov  8 16:18:06 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 10-Nov-85 17:07:07 EST
References: <917@cvl.UUCP> <352@whuts.UUCP> <11@ttidcc.UUCP>
Reply-To: lkk@teddy.UUCP (Larry K. Kolodney)
Distribution: net
Organization: GenRad, Inc., Concord, Mass.
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Summary: 


As someone who has spent a great deal of time (too much?) using
electronic communication and has had a number of "electronic
relationships", I'd like to comment on the current discussion on the
validity of this form of human interaction.

I used to have a standard flame about the benefits of letter writing,
and electronic communication specifically.  This was the most
efficient form of communication, I would say.  When writing a letter,
you are, idealy, conveying solely the message you intend.  There is no
"conversational overhead."  There are no ums, or ahs, normally needed
to keep the conversation going.

Additionally, you have time for reflection, editing and the like,
which the spontanaeity of face-to-face conversation precludes.  Since
there is little threat of immediate negative feedback, it is also
possible to say things via writing that you would find very difficult
to say face-to-face.

It is pretty easy to develop a very powerful relationship with
another, simply thru the exchange of messages.  You start to feel like
you know them, given all of the information that you've recieved from
them.  You confide secrets, discuss problems, receive emotional
support, just like a REAL relationship, right?

WRONG!  THERE ARE FUNDAMENTAL FEATURES OF A LETTER WRITING
RELATIONSHIP WHICH MAKE IT A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PHENOMENON FROM A REAL
ONE.

The advantages of letter writing are also its limitations.  Because
honesty and forthrightness are so easy in an exchange of letters, there
is never any real trust that needs to be built between two people in
such a relationship.  I think that an important part of building a
real relationship is the development of a reflexive feeling a trust
between the two people.  That's not an intellectual trust, but a deep
seated emotional trust.  This sort of trust is not built thru
intellectual processes, but thru low level emotional ones, the kind
that are only activated thru personal contact.

Because letter writing allows you to say exactly what you want, alot
of information about you does not get communicated.  Your partner
never knows about your obnoxious laugh, or your fits of depression, etc.  A
lot of what you may find enjoyable in others has to do with the
general way in which they carry themselves (the way they walk, their
spontaneous reactions to things, ad hoc sense of humor, etc.); again
things which cannot be communicated through exchange of text.

You can even fall in love via computer mail.  But what have you fallen
in love with?  You've fallen in love with the intellect of another
person, NOT THE WHOLE PERSON.  There is a big difference.

--

So of what use is electronic socializing?  Well, for one thing, noone
ever said it had to be an either or proposition.  The limited bandwith
communication that is possible over a network IS a good in itself.  It
is different from a real face-to-face relationship, but that doesn't
make it bad.

I do think it is important, however, to recognize how computer
relationships can be used as a substitute for the real thing.  I've
been there, I know.  You can get sucked into a situation where all you
can think about is "When can I log in again?"  This is a trap.
Computer mail is easy, and its fun, and while we're using it, we can
ignore the outside world.  But unless you plan on spending the rest of
your life in front of a computer terminal (and if you do, you don't
know what you're missing), eventually real people will have to be
dealt with.  The social skills of the net DO NOT CARRY OVER.






-- 
Sport Death,       (USENET) ...{decvax | ihnp4!mit-eddie}!genrad!panda!lkk
Larry Kolodney     (INTERNET) lkk@mit-mc.arpa
--------
Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
- Helen Keller