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From: arndt@squirt.DEC
Newsgroups: net.flame
Subject: TA DA!!  2nd Cosmic ASS Awards!!
Message-ID: <1033@decwrl.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 24-Oct-85 12:50:04 EST
Article-I.D.: decwrl.1033
Posted: Thu Oct 24 12:50:04 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 31-Oct-85 02:45:46 EST
Sender: daemon@decwrl.UUCP
Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation
Lines: 156


Well, well, well.  We're off and running for the second bi-weekly award
of the Super/Duper Cosmic World Class Ass Award.  All you guys and girls
who replied to my first Award are sure making it hard to choose the next
winner.  Perhaps I'll have to award two, eh?  You wouldn't be upset if you
had to split the honors would you?

I guess all the best replies (those written in the heat of the reaction)
are in by now so I'll go down the list and announce the new winner and runners
up.  (Every once in a while I really hit a nerve, eh? This is more fun than
callin' my friends up and telling them their son is a Democrat.)

Let's see.  Remember, "I care" sent in an article of a 'religious' tone and
ron vaughn sent in his winning reply flaming "I care".

I replied to ron vaughn with the Super/Duper Award and compared him to the
others on the net of similar stature.  All of whom I've heard from - with 
the exception of Chui von Rospatch (he's busy composing a reply direct to
my system manager!)  Ken Perlow filled in for Chui, I guess.  (I pronounce
it 'Chew-ay' like the geek in Star Wars, Chewy Tobac - somehow that's the
image that comes to mind whenever I read any of Chui's postings.) Oh, and
Laurie's squeak hasn't come through yet either.

Anyway, to the task at hand.  Let's start with the old winner!  ron vaughn.
Gosh ron, if it is true what they say about being able to tell the measure
of a man by the stature of his detractors then you have indeed made me look
small!  The bathroom walls of the Bell site where you work must be filled 
with your wit and purple prose.  And all in lower case.  no i won't say
anything about your femme terminal and how it might be thought of as a 
match for your mind.  Tell me you are a documentation writer.  How else to
explain your Super/Duper use of such wonderfully descriptive terms for me
as, "F*** Head", "ass/jerk", or phrases like "your pipe-cleaner prick" and
"stupid and numb in the brain".  Awesome!!!  And then some.  Well, that's
why you got the award!  And they say I reflect on MY company!!!!  No doubt
you voted (if it occured to you to do so) for Mondale and what's-her-name.
Aren't you glad Teddy is likely to run in '88?  I am.

And now my buddy Ken Perlow (standing in for Chui von Rospatch).  He claims
I, "go right for the jugular by misspelling names and INSULTING THEIR 
EMPLOYER!"  Well, Ken I'm NOT insulting their employers (which happened in
this case to be YOUR employer too - any motivation for your complaint there?)
but merely asking if the ole company had sold any PCs lately.  If you see
that as an insult then I believe YOU are insulting your company or at the
very least are embarrassed at the question.  Who is really insulting
the company more in your eyes, me or ron vaughn?  Perhaps ron would give
us lessons on insults??  Bet he had the 2nd grade in stitches all the time.
As for misspelling names . . . welllllll.  I only call'em as I see'em and
besides, that's what their mommy would have named 'em if she had known how
they were going to turn out.  How much of Bell time did you use up thinking
up 'MIASMA'??  No wonder the machines are late to market!  Opps! There I go
again.  By the way, my stuff just rolls off the old frontal lobes full blown,
rarely at work, mostly late at night down in my den with a spider perched on
my shoulder.  Sorry.  You didn't even finish in the running for the next
award.  No scatology and it even read like you had given it some THOUGHT!
You should read more of ron vaughn to get the idea.  Better luck next award
time.  Keep chargin'  (or keep jerkin' as ron says).

The envelope please!

And the next runner up - Sue Brezene!!!!  (see I got it right this time Sue)
So it's a 'perfectly fine Ukrainian name.  Ahhhh, take me back to ole Kiev
by the Golden Gate.  Ever been back to the Rodina??  I picture you working
up a sweat twirling around in your native costume on your potato lumpin' legs
stompin' up a small dust cloud and yelling, "Ahhhhhh, Yaaaaaa".  Ain't culture
great?  Look Sue, your supersillious remarks about the Bible were the point
of my mentioning you.  You did it again in your reply to the Award.  "I find
the istructions for my PC to be infinitely better written than the Bible . . ."
Well, aside from any claims the Bible makes for itself or those made by people
who revere it, the Bible has been recognized for thousands and thousands (if
Carl Sagon can do it "Billions and Billions" why oh why can't I?) years as
a great work of literature which has entered our Western culture and languages
more than any other piece of writing.  Granted you were reaching for hyperbole
(a tip off to a weak mind - I do it all the time) but really a stupid thing to
say.  Especially your first time when you said something to the effect that
you once read the Bible and found it worthless.  Ergo, when you made the 
statement in another posting to the effect that you wear tattered clothes,
I, believing clothes signal the person under them, made the connection
from your mantle to your mind.  Now, perhaps if you read my posting for the
sixth time you may see the point.  Anyway, Sue of the perfectly fine Ukrainian
name, this IS net.flame, ain't it?  Or is this media too only for the 'right'
kinds of flame?  Go ahead, kid me about my name.  Hurt me, beat me.  Say, I
know.  Say something about DEC.  And how you wonder how they can hire someone
like me.  Great stuff, what?  But sorry.  You too didn't include any really
good scatology or phrases.  (Although you did throw in a :- and the realization
that you are now a real person, having been flamed by me.) You seemed at a
loss as to just what was expected of you by way of a reply.  Surely not the
mark of an Award winner.

Judging between the next two is really tough. (Between Rich Rosen and Daniel)
Rich Rosen, my pal, in a positively wonderful flash of illogic says I pick out
as net asses those who attack Don Black!!!  (Not to say that there may not be
something to that!  At least in the way THESE four horsemen write.)  In your
favor Rich is the fact that your reply is short, silly, and says nothing.  You
have a wonderful feel for mixing ideas so that no information is passed.  Also,
in your favor toward the award is your changing my phrase, "some would say" to
"everyone would say".  What intellectual punch!  Up to your usual standards.
And your naughty jibe at the "holy trinity" - offend those Christians any which
way you can, eh?  You too must have kept the 2nd grade rolling on the floor.
But again, sorry no cigar.  Come on Rich.  I know there's a Cosmic Ass Award
in there somewhere.  Better luck next week.
  
Next we have Daniel!  He replies to 'Sue Brezden in Shreds' the article I refer
to above.  Well Dan, you start out not too bad, "Ken Arndt descends from his
high tower . . ."  but you fail to follow through with some really inane remarks
and 2nd grade name calling.  And you bring in the red herring of fat women!
You even bring in my wife!!!  Good Grief!  And the kiss of death of course is
your admission, "Normally, I respect Ken's articles."  Dan, this will never
win you any awards from me.  First, I have nothing against fat women - they're
always so jolly, eh?  My wife would view it as just one more attack on her, 
so what?  But secondly, perhaps you did bring in something of value towards
the award - which is why you are closer to the real winner than those we have
looked at so far.  Your development of the 'fat slob' accusation deserved 
merit in that it was entirely without merit since I hadn't mentioned it at all.
And your mentioning of "something else you wanted to mention but I can't seem
to remember it" was really great.  That's the sort of thing my detractors use
to give an impression of themselves.  And I couldn't determine if your line,
"My opinion: HOGWASH" was conscious on your part or not.  A nice touch if it
was.  Anyway guy, sorry but you are only the Runner Up this time.  Congrats.
Don't be sad.  Try again.

AND NOW FOR THE SECOND BI-WEEKLY SUPER/DUPER COSMIC WORLD CLASS ASS AWARD!!!

*************************************************
   AND THE WINNER IS:  MK notch!!!!!
*************************************************

(From Honeywell of course!!  I used to work for them.  Sold ANY computers
lately MK???  Your new PC ought to do well with your 90k plus employees!)
                                             
Evan Marcus saw your greatness and saluted it.  You flog me while calling
yourself an ASSHOLE in the same breath!  Great stuff.  You must look super
in your evening gown.  Your winning submission deserves to be reprinted in
it's entirety:

"I just love ASSHOLES who think they are GOD and go and call someone else 
a twat or something.  I think that the author (Ken Arndt) of the above 
message is an ASSHOLE too for thinking he is far greater than anyone else."

Breathtaking!!  Unconscious self parody at it's flaming best.  A true 
Super/Duper Cosmic World Class Ass!  All the best to you MK (that's pronounced
MK) and next week's contestants will have a tough act to follow, eh?

That's all for now folks.

Keep chargin'

Ken Arndt