Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site aecom.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!cbosgd!ihnp4!qantel!hplabs!pesnta!amd!amdcad!lll-crg!seismo!cmcl2!philabs!aecom!werner From: werner@aecom.UUCP (Craig Werner) Newsgroups: net.med,net.jokes Subject: A Pro-Smoking Article. Message-ID: <2043@aecom.UUCP> Date: Fri, 8-Nov-85 00:23:35 EST Article-I.D.: aecom.2043 Posted: Fri Nov 8 00:23:35 1985 Date-Received: Mon, 11-Nov-85 06:18:56 EST Distribution: na Organization: Albert Einstein Coll. of Med., NY Lines: 73 Xref: watmath net.med:2724 net.jokes:14857 :-) [Some people have complained through both postings and letters that I have been coming down too hard on the health risks of smoking. Well in the interests of fairness, I'd thought I'd present the following for all you smokers in the audience.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Are you losing confidence in your ability to smoke in the face of stiffer health warnings? Or worse, do you feel as if it just isn't worth the effort anymore? Don't be discouraged. Blind faith is the key to success in any endeavor, but acheiving just the right balance of puffery and downright denial can be tricky. It is especially difficult when you best friend -- a smoker of 30 years -- is beginning to experience hemoptysis. [coughing up blood] I think I've solved the problem with several hints that will bring your confidence level back up before you have to undergo chemotherapy. Just remember that the tobacco companies wouldn't take out all of those full-page newspaper and magazine ads if they wanted you to stop. * Associate with smokers. It's downright annoying to have non-smoking friends ask you to sign "clean air" petitions while you're enjoying coffee and a cigarette. If you don't make friends easily -- especially with other somkers -- pal around with names like Lorillard or R.J. Reynolds. * Use effective advertising. Display a tasteful sign on your office wall: "Thank you for not breathing." This will compete with the other side's more popular "Thank you for not Smoking." As clean air fanatics enter you smoke-filled office, ask if they mind not breathing. When they say "no," light up. * Remember the medical approach. Tell how through willpower alone you stopped smoking for more than three years. WHen you became ill, however, your physician insisted you start again. Now he believes smoking saved your life. * Request a restaurant table in the no-smoking section. After you've been seated, take out a cigarette and place it between your lips, unlit. Notice how many non-smokers turn pale. A few may collapse from shock. This suggests that nonsmokers have a higher incidence of heart disease -- something the tobacco companies have maintained all along. * A similar tactic is to request an airplane seat in the smoking section, directly behind several nonsmokers. Aim your battery powered portable fan, then light up. When you hear the yells, uttered incoherently in the aisle, turn to a neighbor, who is also puffing away, and casually mention how irrational nonsmokers are. * Have faith. Secondhand smoke won't hurt you, especially if you are the one producing it. On the other other hand, if your spouse or roommate is a nonsmoker, secondhand smoke may be harmful. In that case, he or she had better learn to smoke as soon as possible. Your local tobacco shop offers instant smokestarter clinics. If most folks aren't hooked within four weeks, there's a money-back guarantee. * Stick to cigarettes with optimistic names. Next month a major tobacco company introduces their low-tar brand for terminally ill patients. "Hospice" cigarettes offer dying patients a chance to continue to puff in hopeful contemplation the the 45,000 scientific studies linking smoking to sickness are in error. Remember that using these hints will be rather like taking your first puff when you began the habit. The assorted miseries of coughing, nausea, stained teeth, smelly clothes, and ill health will vary, depending on how much you smoke. But once you've put these suggestions into practice, don't be suprised to hear low-pitched moans wherever you go. It is likely to be your heart or lungs begging for mercy. George Banks, MD Tustin, California. When the World is Your Ashtray A Piece of My Mind JAMA, Nov. 8, 1985 254:2596 -- Craig Werner !philabs!aecom!werner "Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public."