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From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Ensign Benson, Space Cadet)
Newsgroups: net.bizarre
Subject: Re: Mounting Toilet Paper Rolls
Message-ID: <708@tpvax.fluke.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 27-Sep-85 15:01:53 EDT
Article-I.D.: tpvax.708
Posted: Fri Sep 27 15:01:53 1985
Date-Received: Wed, 2-Oct-85 20:24:26 EDT
References: <947@vax2.fluke.UUCP>
Distribution: net
Organization: The Digital Circus, Sector R
Lines: 75

> 
> How do I mount a toilet paper roll?
> 
> Well I usually start by buying it a drink.

Me too, me too! Good starting lines are "Do you come here often" and
"What's your sign?"

> 			Dave Van Ess
> 
> ps	What we need now is a list of applications for the empty tube.
>       (Known at our house as the "toot-ta-loo".)

There must be at least 101 uses for those old spent, dismounted tootaloos.
(Great name, by the way.)

Here is a partial list of things I have used them for:

    1) Periscope. Takes three tootaloos, two mirrors, and some Contact (tm)
       paper to decorate. Also kaleidoscopes, telescopes (GO HALLEY!) and
       scanning electron microsopes. For this last, you'll need a few other
       parts than for your basic periscope.

    2) Little bitty shipping containers. Good for small posters (Dave Van
       Ess is a big poster, however, so they wouldn't work for one of
       them.) Also can be used for sending home those little bottles of booze
       they sell on aeroplanes.

    3) Crystal radio coil. Lacquer it, poke two holes in it and wrap some
       wire around it. H-P makes an instrument for figuring out the
       capacitor you need, so the wire size and number of turns is
       unimportant -- just keep the color field oriented perpendicular.

    4) Tootaloo kazoo. This takes some work, but the other major parts are a
       large "spoon" fishing lure, a bit of waxed paper, three Canadian
       dimes, two drops of super glue, a number 3 wapner, and Contact (tm)
       paper for decoration.

    5) Cement form for making columns for model Greek temples. I do this
       *all* the time!

    6) Removal handles for fluorescent lights. You have to cut the toot
       along it's length, so be sure not to use one you had set aside for
       your scanning electron microscope.

    7) Cylindrical caskets for deceased microprocessor chips. For this
       application, I usually line the toot with velveteen (or Velveeta) and
       cover it with wood-grain Contact (tm) paper.

    8) Privacy chambers for Habitrails. My hamster likes to undress in the
       closet, and I've made little bitty coat hangers from paper clips.

    9) Bomber-sized rolling machine. This takes basically the same parts as
       for the kazoo, only more. A fairly efficient bong (87%) can also be
       constructed for those who aren't into rolling.

   10) One-shot Polish microcannon. Tape three together, plug one end, poke
       a hole near the plugged end, squirt in half a teaspoon of lighter
       fluid, insert a ping-pong ball in the open end, shake it up, and
       light the hole. BE CAREFULL!! Hamsters freak out when these things go
       off while they're undressing. Mine is still pissed off about an
       incident that occurred last St. Swiven's Day.

I have complete plans for all these devices, and you can get a cassette tape
of this posting by sending two dollars in stamps or coin to the Merkle Press.

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