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From: jsg@aero.ARPA (Jeffrey S. Gruszynski)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: The art of argument
Message-ID: <473@aero.ARPA>
Date: Wed, 25-Sep-85 12:17:18 EDT
Article-I.D.: aero.473
Posted: Wed Sep 25 12:17:18 1985
Date-Received: Tue, 1-Oct-85 10:58:45 EDT
Reply-To: jsg@aero.UUCP (Jeffrey S. Gruszynski)
Organization: The Aerospace Corp., El Segundo, CA
Lines: 104

Extracted from some newspaper my sister cut-out a few years ago:

"How to win argruments, as it were" by David Barry


	I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and 
steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect,
they don't even invite me.  You too can win arguments.  Simply follow
these rules:

	* Drink Liquor.

	Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is 
expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about.
If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice,
you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot
entralls your date.  But if you drink several large martinis, you'll
discover you have _strong views_ about the Peruvian economy.  You'll
be a _wealth_ of information.  You'll argue forcefully, offering
searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture.  People will be
impressed.  Some may leave the room.

	* Make things up.

	Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to
prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the 
fact that _you_ are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to
let a bunch of Peruvians be better off.  _Don't_ say:  "I think
Peruvian are underpaid."  Say:  "The average Peruvian's salary in
1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum,
which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

	NOTE:  Always make up exact figures.
	
	If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make
_that_ up, too.  Say:  "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's
study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982.  Didn't you
read it?"  Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say
"You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."

	* Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

	Memorize this list:

		Let me put it this way
		In terms of 
		Vis-a-vis
		Per se
		As it were
		Qua
		So to speak

	You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as 
"Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e."  These are all short for "I speak Latin,
and you do not."

	Here's how to use these words and phrases.  Suppose you want
to say:  "Peruvian would like to order appetizers more often, but they
don't have enough money."

	You never win arguments talking like that.  But you _will_
win if you say:  "Let me put it this way.  In terms of appetizers
vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them
more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se,
as it were.  Q.E.D."

	Only a fool would challenge  that statement.

	* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

	You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to 
fire back at your opponents when they make valid points.  The best
are:

	You're begging the question.
	You're being defensive.
	Don't compare apples and oranges.
	What are your parameters?

	This last one is especially valuable.  Nobody, other than
mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

	Here's how to use your comebacks:

	You say			As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
	Your opponents says	Lincoln died in 1865.
	You say			Your begging the question.

			_or_
					
	You say			Liberians, like most Asians
	Your opponents says	Liberia is in Africa.
	You say			You're being defensive.

	* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

	This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is 
obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong.  Bring Hitler up
subtly.  Say:  "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf
Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

	So that's it:  you now know how to out-argue anybody.  Do
not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.