Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.3 4.3bsd-beta 6/6/85; site ucbvax.ARPA
Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!decwrl!ucbvax!tamir
From: tamir@ucbvax.ARPA (Yuval Tamir)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: "Surprise" Breakups
Message-ID: <9700@ucbvax.ARPA>
Date: Tue, 6-Aug-85 02:42:08 EDT
Article-I.D.: ucbvax.9700
Posted: Tue Aug  6 02:42:08 1985
Date-Received: Wed, 7-Aug-85 04:22:26 EDT
References: <5557@cbscc.UUCP> <816@ihlpg.UUCP> <190@bcsaic.UUCP>
Reply-To: tamir@ucbvax.UUCP (Yuval Tamir)
Organization: University of California at Berkeley
Lines: 34

>> I have found that "gripe meetings" are a good solution to this problem.
>> Early on in a relationship you agree to a weekly scheduled "meeting"
>> in which you spend some time talking about problems that
>> came up over the past week.
>
>What's wrong with talking about problems as they come up? I had an XSO
>who used to go for weeks without saying a word and then on some given day 
>tell me everthing that has been bothering her for the past month. Sorry,
>but "You know what I don't like about you? a,b,c,d,...z" sounded much
>worse than "Please don't do that - I really don't like it" when some
>offense had been committed.

If you SO starts telling you
"You know what I don't like about you? a,b,c,d,...z"
it may very well be time to call it quits.
I never meant that "gripe meetings" are used for destructive statements
of the form: "you are a bad person, you committed offenses a,b,c...
and I don't like you very much".
Problems can be brought up in a more constructive less threatening way:
"I was hurt when you said .... "
"I got the feeling you didn't care because  . . ."
"When I am in this mood, it would help me if you . . ."
etc, etc, etc.

It is often not possible to talk about problems immediately when they
occur. This may be due to the circumstances (other people around,
you have to go to work, etc.) or because people are too upset
to discuss the problem and choose to repress it for the moment.
Without the regularly scheduled meeting, the problem may never
be discussed.

                                 Yuval Tamir
ARPANET/CSNET: tamir@Berkeley
	 UUCP: ucbvax!tamir