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From: john@moncol.UUCP (John Ruschmeyer)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Your SO's friends and you
Message-ID: <481@moncol.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 21-Aug-85 22:07:57 EDT
Article-I.D.: moncol.481
Posted: Wed Aug 21 22:07:57 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 24-Aug-85 15:00:20 EDT
References: <467@moncol.UUCP> <5608@tektronix.UUCP> <1084@lumiere.UUCP>
Organization: Monmouth College, West Long Branch, NJ 07764
Lines: 81


John Ruschmeyer writes:
It seems to me, however, that dating a person does
carry some responsibilities to that person also.

Moira Mallison writes:
The only responsibility I have to someone I am dating is to keep
appointments I have made.  It sounds to me like the  "significance"
was a little one-sided, and that your expectations came from ideas
of how it "ought to be" rather than what the relationship really
was.

Rick Lindsley writes:
While I can't deny that analytically Moira is correct, I would find it
comforting to know I rank high in an SO's plans. To be told that I am
third behind other friends and schoolwork might be a letdown if that
were not made clear at the outset.

The point is, that the "responsibilities to the person you are dating"
are only what you (the two of you [why doesn't English have a plural second
person?]) make them. While I agree that the bottom line is to be there
when you say you will be, it means an awful lot to me to know that
someone has made an occasional sacrifice on my behalf -- skipped a
night of homework, or told their friends "sorry, I'd like to call Rick
first and see if he wants to do something". Admittedly, too much of this
can actually mess things up (it is possible to see TOO much of a person
too) but done occasionally it adds just the right spark to a relationship.

============================================================================
[I considered following up to Moira's posting individually, but the above
says so much that I decided to answer both together.]

Rick,

   I am glad you followed up the way you did. Those were exactly my
feelings at the time- I did not feel that I rated better than third in
her life. She could have taken all the time for school that she wanted were
it not for the feelings that I was really the whipping boy.


Moira,

   I probably have confused the issue by using the term "responsibility".
Looking back, I can see that it has some bad connotations, like making
going out into an "obligation". I never intended that.

   I probably was operating on a false premise at the time. Since the young
lady and I had been dating for about three months, I assumed she might
actually have *wanted* to spend time with me, even if that did mean telling
her friends that she was going out with me instead of them. (Looking back,
it seems more like I was something that filled in those evenings when no
other distractions were left.)

   Actually, this is where the whole thing got confusing to me. We had
dated for three months by this time with no indication from her that she
did not want to continue. On the contrary, we had shared what (for me,
anyway) was a lot of physical intimacy. It confuses me that a person can go
out with you and share so much of themselves with you, yet not want to
make half an effort to spend time with you. Is this the woman of the 80's?
If so, I may wait for the 90's to come out.

===========================================================================

A note on this whole discussion:

With the exception of Moira's posting, all the followups and replies have
been from men. Don't women perceive themselves as being mistreated by men
as much as men perceive themselves as being mistreated by women?

-- 
Name:		John Ruschmeyer
US Mail:	Monmouth College, W. Long Branch, NJ 07764
Phone:		(201) 222-6600 x366
UUCP:		...!vax135!petsd!moncol!john	...!princeton!moncol!john
						   ...!pesnta!moncol!john
Disclaimer:
	Monmouth College is a mecca for diverse opinions. It is, therefore,
	highly unlikely that the above opinions are those of anyone but me.

Silly quote:
	Son, you're mixing ponderables again...