Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site moncol.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!mhuxt!houxm!vax135!petsd!moncol!john From: john@moncol.UUCP (John Ruschmeyer) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: Your SO's friends and you Message-ID: <481@moncol.UUCP> Date: Wed, 21-Aug-85 22:07:57 EDT Article-I.D.: moncol.481 Posted: Wed Aug 21 22:07:57 1985 Date-Received: Sat, 24-Aug-85 15:00:20 EDT References: <467@moncol.UUCP> <5608@tektronix.UUCP> <1084@lumiere.UUCP> Organization: Monmouth College, West Long Branch, NJ 07764 Lines: 81 John Ruschmeyer writes: It seems to me, however, that dating a person does carry some responsibilities to that person also. Moira Mallison writes: The only responsibility I have to someone I am dating is to keep appointments I have made. It sounds to me like the "significance" was a little one-sided, and that your expectations came from ideas of how it "ought to be" rather than what the relationship really was. Rick Lindsley writes: While I can't deny that analytically Moira is correct, I would find it comforting to know I rank high in an SO's plans. To be told that I am third behind other friends and schoolwork might be a letdown if that were not made clear at the outset. The point is, that the "responsibilities to the person you are dating" are only what you (the two of you [why doesn't English have a plural second person?]) make them. While I agree that the bottom line is to be there when you say you will be, it means an awful lot to me to know that someone has made an occasional sacrifice on my behalf -- skipped a night of homework, or told their friends "sorry, I'd like to call Rick first and see if he wants to do something". Admittedly, too much of this can actually mess things up (it is possible to see TOO much of a person too) but done occasionally it adds just the right spark to a relationship. ============================================================================ [I considered following up to Moira's posting individually, but the above says so much that I decided to answer both together.] Rick, I am glad you followed up the way you did. Those were exactly my feelings at the time- I did not feel that I rated better than third in her life. She could have taken all the time for school that she wanted were it not for the feelings that I was really the whipping boy. Moira, I probably have confused the issue by using the term "responsibility". Looking back, I can see that it has some bad connotations, like making going out into an "obligation". I never intended that. I probably was operating on a false premise at the time. Since the young lady and I had been dating for about three months, I assumed she might actually have *wanted* to spend time with me, even if that did mean telling her friends that she was going out with me instead of them. (Looking back, it seems more like I was something that filled in those evenings when no other distractions were left.) Actually, this is where the whole thing got confusing to me. We had dated for three months by this time with no indication from her that she did not want to continue. On the contrary, we had shared what (for me, anyway) was a lot of physical intimacy. It confuses me that a person can go out with you and share so much of themselves with you, yet not want to make half an effort to spend time with you. Is this the woman of the 80's? If so, I may wait for the 90's to come out. =========================================================================== A note on this whole discussion: With the exception of Moira's posting, all the followups and replies have been from men. Don't women perceive themselves as being mistreated by men as much as men perceive themselves as being mistreated by women? -- Name: John Ruschmeyer US Mail: Monmouth College, W. Long Branch, NJ 07764 Phone: (201) 222-6600 x366 UUCP: ...!vax135!petsd!moncol!john ...!princeton!moncol!john ...!pesnta!moncol!john Disclaimer: Monmouth College is a mecca for diverse opinions. It is, therefore, highly unlikely that the above opinions are those of anyone but me. Silly quote: Son, you're mixing ponderables again...