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Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!cmcl2!seismo!lll-crg!gymble!beth
From: beth@gymble.UUCP (Beth Katz)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Your SO's friends and you
Message-ID: <265@gymble.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 20-Aug-85 13:06:17 EDT
Article-I.D.: gymble.265
Posted: Tue Aug 20 13:06:17 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 23-Aug-85 05:38:45 EDT
References: <467@moncol.UUCP> <810@abnji.UUCP>
Reply-To: beth@gymble.UUCP (Beth Katz)
Organization: U of Maryland, Laboratory for Parallel Computation, C.P., MD
Lines: 67

Two people recently related the dire consequences of not being
good friends with your SO's friends. (I've distilled that much
out of the two articles.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but that seems
to be the problem you wanted addressed.)  In both cases, it seems
that the netters did not have an awful lot in common with their
SOs.  The SOs preferred the company of their friends.

A summary before the discussion:
****************************************************************
         "Beth's Hints on SOs and Friends"

  1)  Talk with your SO as soon as you see problems developing.
  2)  Make sure you really have some things in common with
       your SO and try not to resent their doing the things
       that you don't care to do. 
  3)  Don't take up all your SO's time.
  4)  Get to know the SO's friends, but don't get too chummy
       until you really feel like they are your friends.
  5)  Do some things with the friends around.
  6)  Remember that not all relationships work and that not
       all relationships are of equal importance to both members.
       Don't let the turkeys get you down.
****************************************************************

So what can the netters (all of us) do to avoid such problems in
the future?  First of all, try to have something in common with
your SO-to-be.  If you don't like to frequent bars, don't go to
bars.  If you like to go camping, join a camping club.  In most
successful relationships, the couples do a lot of simple things
together. They like *being* with each other.  David and I are
happy just hanging out around the house. (But then again, we're
pretty boring people. :-) )

Part of *being* with people is being with their friends.  You can
learn a lot about a person by talking to their close friends.
These are valuable people to know.  However, in a new relationship,
you might not want to get too close too fast.  Netter #1 described
how the friend distorted some confidences.  The friend is loyal
to the SO, not you.  Until they have become your friend as well,
don't confide in them (unless it's a surprise birthday party).
However, try to get to know them.  Why didn't netter #1 go to the
amusement park with his SO and friends?  Why wasn't this resentment
discussed with the SO? (Maybe it was, but the SO didn't take it 
very seriously.)  You cannot just take all the time an SO needs
with their friends or themselves.  Spend some time all together,
but make sure that your SO knows that you want some time alone
with them.  But you have to be willing to share.

In netter #2's case, the SO just didn't seem very interested in
continuing the relationship.  The friend came between them.  In
this case, the friend seemed bent on breaking up the relationship.
The netter felt left out.  Again, lucid communication might help.
(Yelling in the hotel lobby doesn't count. :-) )  Again, the SO
seems to have lost interest in the relationship about the time the
friend intervened.  There isn't much you can do about this one
except be thankful it was over quickly because it probably would have
died anyway.  If the SO hadn't been losing interest, talking about
the friend's intrusion might be a good idea.  Eliminating the friend
from all plans isn't a good approach.  Your talking to the friend
is also not a good approach.  The SO must deal with this one.

Enough rambling.  I hope that everyone can benefit from this.
Maybe we can learn how to let our friends get close to others.
I know I've been on all sides of this fence.
			(_o_),  (my arms are bigger than my head
                                  and they bend kinda smoothly.)
People are people too.			Beth Katz