Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site bigburd.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!prls!amdimage!amdcad!amd!vecpyr!lll-crg!seismo!rochester!cmu-cs-pt!cadre!psuvax1!burdvax!bigburd!kew From: kew@bigburd.UUCP (Karen Wieckert) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: Can friendship go to HUGGING? Message-ID: <2040@bigburd.UUCP> Date: Fri, 16-Aug-85 15:02:17 EDT Article-I.D.: bigburd.2040 Posted: Fri Aug 16 15:02:17 1985 Date-Received: Tue, 20-Aug-85 06:34:04 EDT References: <406@mit-vax.UUCP> <229@steinmetz.UUCP> Reply-To: kew@bigburd.UUCP (Karen Wieckert) Organization: sdc Lines: 61 >Hugs and >kisses are wonderful ways of saying hello, not only to close friends, >but new acquaintances also. It's amazing how much easier it is to talk >to a MOTAS (is that the correct abbreviation?), and how much less tension >exists, after you have been introduced to that person with a hug. I would suggest that this is not generally true. There are places for such behavior (for instance parties, family gatherings) and there are many people who take kindly to such behavior (for instance relatives, close friends). However, I would hesitate before kissing and/or hugging any new acquaintance in any circumstance. There are cultural differences (remember Jimmy Carter's hug for Maggie Thatcher?). There can be negative feelings because the person being hugged is not comfortable with you because of your sex, age, etc. It is not enough to say that people should be comfortable with your approaches, for that isn't being sensitive to their particular circumstance. >There is >no relationship between that hug and any implication of "dirty deeds"; >I will greet my friends' SO's that way, and expect them to be as open >and friendly with mine. I firmly disagree with this in general. Your intentions maybe straightforward, but I know people have slobbered over me or grabbed me just to get a "good one in with so and so's girl". Ever watched what happens to the bride in the receiving line at a wedding reception? These kinds of experiences have certainly made me less comfortable with being hugged or kissed by men during introductions, and I suspect I am not totally alone. Also, often people mistake your intentions. I moved from communal living in Oregon to life as a graduate student at MIT. West coast versus east coast differences are great enough when it comes to closeness, but you can imagine the even greater differences because of my experiences in a commune. It didn't take long for me to realize that my behavior was being read all wrong. When I met people (male and female) I hugged them. When I talked with people I often put my hand on their arm. When I met people in social situations or on special occasions, I often gave them a kiss. The misreading of my intentions by some had tremendous reprecussions. I was blamed and I suffered because of this behavior. It didn't help to say that they should understand my intentions and my method of greeting others. Of course at MIT and most places with a majority of men, women's behavior cannot be as open and warm as men's since the reprecussions are much greater. > Of course, there is nothing better than a hug between two close friends, >of the same or opposite sex. Hugs can say "I miss you", or "Thanx for >being there", or "I need a shoulder to cry on", or whatever - then again, >who needs a reason? No disagreement. Between close friends who both feel comfortable with this closeness, it's wonderful. I still greet my good friends this way. I still greet new acquaintances this way in a limited number of situations. But I no longer feel that it spreads warmness around generally. People are still far to confused for true warmth and understanding (spoken like a true pessimist, don't you think :-)). >It's nice to hug someone just for the warmness that results. > Try it some time I feel like writing something like "ah the folly of youth", but ... ka:ren