Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/17/84; site hao.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!cmcl2!seismo!hao!woods From: woods@hao.UUCP (Greg Woods) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: A compromise on emotional self-determinism Message-ID: <1692@hao.UUCP> Date: Mon, 12-Aug-85 12:36:04 EDT Article-I.D.: hao.1692 Posted: Mon Aug 12 12:36:04 1985 Date-Received: Wed, 14-Aug-85 01:40:46 EDT References: <393@boulder.UUCP> Organization: High Altitude Obs./NCAR, Boulder CO Lines: 46 > If a situation I really do not want to see comes about, I am simply going to > be unhappy about it for a while. Likewise, fortunate events tend to cause > elevated emotional states. While this seems to be true in practice, it does not HAVE to work that way. The "unhappiness" over an "unfortunate" event is caused by making a comparison between the actual state of the world, and how you "wish" it was. This does not mean that it is abnormal or "bad" to make such comparisons; results show that people often do so. But I still claim that whether or not you make this comparison CAN be controlled. Not that it *always* will be, could be or should be, nor that *I* always do either, just that in a given situation, it CAN be. > I guess my feeling is that somebody who is sad for an evening over > a rejection, or who cries for a month because the SO of their dreams has > just told them to take a leap, is NOT entirely in control of said feelings, > and most certainly should not be told that they are responsible for being > sad and would be happy if they chose to. It just does not work that way. I still say they can simply not make this comparison between the way the world actually is (they got rejected) and the way they *wish* it were (they didn't get rejected). In practice, I tend to make such comparisons also, but recognizing that it is my choice to do so usually helps me come out of it much faster and with much less suffering than in the past, before I was aware of these comparisons I was making. A very sad lesson that I HAVE learned is that you are quite right when you say the people should not be told that they are responsible for being sad, even if I believe that that is true. In practice it doesn't get the result you want (making your friend feel better). Note that this has nothing to do with whether or not they really are responsible; just a statement that in practice, confronting them with their responsibility for their emotional state, while they are still feeling bad, does not help to bring them out of it. Even with fellow awareness training graduates, it seems to work better to wait until THEY recognize what they are doing rather than confronting them with it. > Where choice comes in is when it comes down to recovering from > said unfortunate event/situation. I do believe that one has the capability > to prevent a traumatic occurence from ruining one's life. Certainly they do. A certain amount of feeling bad after an event that is judged "unfortunate" seems normal. Awareness of the comparison they are making which is causing the bad feelings can eliminate much of the suffering, but once the judgment that this event is "bad" has been made, a certain amount of emotional pain is inevitable. How fast you recover is, however, totally up to you. --Greg