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From: aeq@pucc-h (Jeff Sargent)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: seminar on "Preparing for Marriage": Feelings
Message-ID: <2184@pucc-h>
Date: Tue, 6-Aug-85 10:27:04 EDT
Article-I.D.: pucc-h.2184
Posted: Tue Aug  6 10:27:04 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 11-Aug-85 06:45:07 EDT
References: <2176@pucc-h>
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Lines: 53

HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS SO YOU CAN SHARE THEM

1.  Sometimes it's helpful to sit quietly alone and think, say, write, or
even tape-record all the different words that seem to describe your physical
as well as your emotional state.  Although you may start with more obvious
ones -- angry, for example -- you may well progress to others that are more
revealing: angry, hot, perspiring, shaky, nervous, uncertain.  Now stay with
the word that seems most unexpected and explore its relevance.  "Uncertain.
What am I uncertain about?  That maybe I'm not right?  But I believe I am
right.  That maybe he doesn't understand?  Maybe my being angry put him off?
Is there some other way I can explain...I never did explain!  His criticism
made me feel unaccepted and put down...."  The deeper feeling that you have
uncovered behind your anger is rejection.

2.  Whenever you over-react -- when your intense reaction is out of proportion
to the stimulus -- recognize it as a signal that something deeper or more
significant is involved.  Always try to pause and say, "Wait a minute, what's
really going on here?  Why am I really crying over a relatively trivial
matter?"

3.  You may be able to get at your deeper feelings by "staying with" the
emotion you're aware of, thinking of other situations in which you've felt
like this or other people who evoked the same feeling in you.  What was your
position in those other situations?  Were you in charge, out of control,
ignored, expected to be perfect?  How did those other people feel toward you?
Were you loved, respected, accepted, judged, criticized, rejected?

4.  Sometimes you can get a lot of useful information by asking yourself,
"Does this remind me of when I was a child living with my parents?  How was I
treated then?  How did I want to be treated?  Am I experiencing feelings I
had as a child when I was truly helpless and vulnerable?  Are those emotions
appropriate for the adult I am today?"

5.  You may be able to get at your deeper feelings by "trying on" the opposite
emotion or at least an emotion that's very different from what you're feeling
on the surface.  If you're saying "I'm furious!" try "I'm hurt."  If you're
in tears and feel hurt, try on the feelings of anger or hate.  Those tears may
not be tears of sorrow but perhaps tears of rage.

6.  If you feel so helpless that you can't do something, try saying, "I won't"
or "I'm afraid to."  "Can't" means you're immobilized, and maybe sometimes you
are.  But perhaps you can get in touch with what might be operating underneath
-- "I won't do it."  If you can get to that stubborn anger, it may offer you a
certain amount of tension that you can mobilize for action.  If the "can't"
means you're scared to do something because you're afraid of what might happen,
then examine the fear.  "What am I afraid of?  What's the worst thing that
can happen?"

-- 
-- Jeff Sargent
{decvax|harpo|ihnp4|inuxc|ucbvax}!pur-ee!pucc-h!aeq
The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.  (James 5:16)
The prayer of a not-so-righteous man availeth sometimes....  (Rich McDaniel)