Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site tellab1.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!mhuxn!ihnp4!tellab1!barth From: barth@tellab1.UUCP (Barth Richards) Newsgroups: net.bizarre Subject: TAKRL Message-ID: <547@tellab1.UUCP> Date: Mon, 19-Aug-85 13:27:15 EDT Article-I.D.: tellab1.547 Posted: Mon Aug 19 13:27:15 1985 Date-Received: Tue, 20-Aug-85 22:40:31 EDT Reply-To: barth@tellab3.UUCP (Barth Richards) Organization: Tellabs, Inc., Lisle, IL Lines: 99 From the back cover of a bootleg album produced by The Amazing Kornyfone Record Label How It All Came To Be IT HAS TAKEN OVER A CENTURY AND ONE HALF OF MAN'S FOREMOST TECHNOLOGY TO PUT THIS RECORD YOU NOW HOLD ONTO AND/OR GAZE UPON WITHIN REACH OF YOUR HANDS AND/OR YOUR EYES. IT WAS JUST BEFORE VETERAN'S DAY 1822 WHEN A LONE INVENTOR, SCORNED AND CAST ASIDE FROM FARGO'S ELECTRICAL LEGION OF CUNNOLOGY IN HIS NATIVE KANSAS, MISTAKENLY DISCOVERED A PROCESS THAT WOULD INDEED CHANGE THE COURSE OF MAN'S EARS FOR YEARS TO COME. WHILE IN THE FINAL STAGES OF AN EXPERIMENT CULMINATING AN ENTIRE LIFETIME OF STUDY AND RESEARCH, DR. TERRENCE H. "TELLY" FONE PROCEEDED WITH THE LAST STAGE THAT WOULD, AT COMPLETION, OFFER THE ENTIRE PLANET A TWO-DIMENSIONAL TIRE INCAPABLE OF GOING FLAT BECAUSE OF ITS ASTOUNDING LACK OF ANY WIDTH. IN THOSE BYGONE FREE ENERGY DAYS, A PUNCTURE FREE TIRE OFFERED THE ROYAL AMERICAN CITIZEN THE INNER COMFORT OF A WORRY FREE WEEKEND ON THE INTERSTATE OF THEIR CHOICE. (FOR FURTHER INFORMATION OF THE EVENTUAL DEVELOPEMENT OF THE TWO-DIMENTIONAL TIRE, SEE AMERIKAN SCIENTIFIK REVIEW, AUGUST 1884.) BEFORE THE ADDITION OF THE FINAL CHEMICAL AGENT THAT FATEFUL DAY, A TERRIFIC EXPLOSION RIPPED THROUGH TERRENCE'S PANTRY-TURNED-LABORATORY. WHEN THE SMOKE AND HIS SINUSES FINALLY CLEARED, BEFORE HIM LAY THE END PRODUCT OF HIS DECADES OF LABOR. IT WAS NOT THE TWO-DIMENTIONAL TIRE HE HAD DREAMPT OF BUT RATHER A HARD, ROUND, BLACK DISC WITH A SEEMINGLY ODD CONTINUOUS ENGRAVING EMBEDDED IN IT. TERRENCE PICKED HIMSELF UP FROM THE FLOOR AND GRASPED THE UNKNOWN BY-PRODUCT OF HIS GENIUS. IN A SEMI-CONSCIOUS STATE, HE SLOWLY PLACED THIS DARK DISC ON A PHONOGRAPH HE LUCKILY HAPPENED TO FIND NEARBY. THE HUGE THREE-WAY AIR-SUSPENSION SPEAKERS BENEATH HIM BOOMED FORTH VERY STRANGE CANTATIONS INDEED- "There's a Ladee Whoze Shure Awl That Glitterz Iz Gold; And She'z Buying A Stareway Too Hevun" TERRENCE IS SHOCKED BEYOND BELIEF. WHAT ARE THESE STRANGER NOISES AND HOW DID THEY FIND THEIR WAY ON TO HIS PLASTIC? HAD ALL OF THESE YEARS OF STALWART DEDICATION AMOUNTED TO MERE GUTTERAL RUMBLINGS? REMORSEFULLY, HE SLID THIS FORSAKEN PLATTER BETWEEN SOME PAPER AND, ATTEMPTING TO DISGUISE IT, DREW A PICTURE OF HIS GRANDPARENTS, ONE HOLDING A PITCHFORK, ON TOP OF THE PAPER. THEN HE DROPPED THIS NOW-DISGUISED MISTAKE INTO A HOUSEHOLD SIZE SARAN-WRAP AND PLACED IT NEXT TO THE FIRE HE HAD BUILT ON THE MIDST OF HIS WORKBENCH. ABLE TO WITHSTAND NO MORE FRIGHT IN A SINGLE EVENING, TERRENCE GOES TO HIS ROOM TO GET SUMMARILY HORIZONTAL AND UNCONSCIOUS. UPON ARISING LATER THAT EVENING IN BED, TERRENCE REALIZED HE MUST RID HIMSELF OF THIS MISTAKE. IT WAS AROUND DECEMBER BY NOW, SO HE PUT THIS HORRID MONSTROSITY IN A GAILY COLORED RED AND GREEN WRAPPER AND MAILED IT TO HIS AUNT CORNELIA, WHOM HE MUCH NOT LIKED. UNBEKNOWNST TO TERRENCE THOUGH IS THE FACT THAT OVER THE YEARS HIS AUNT CORNELIA HAS BECOME THE PROGRAM DIRECTOR OF A NUMBER ONE RADIO STATION. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT BECAME HISTORY. LITTLE DID TERRENCE KNOW THAT SCIENCE WOULD STEP IN AND OVERNIGHT TRANSFORM HIS HIDEOUS ERROR INTO THE FOREMOST ENTERTAINMENT MEDIUM OF THE 70'S-- BOTH EIGHTEENTH AND NINETEENTH. TERRENCE FONE IS ROCKETED TO GODHOOD AND INTO THE HOSTSHIP OF HIS OWN SYNDICATED TELEVISION GAME SHOW. (SEEN ON MOST OF THESE SAME STATIONS.) MAN HAD NEVER HAD IT SO GOOD AND TODAY GETS IT ON THE AVERAGE OF THREE TIMES A WEEK. THEN FINALLY IN 1863, USING HIS OWN AND HIS AUNT'S NAME, DR. TERRENCE H. "TELLY" FONE, NOW A WORLD RESPECTED RUBBEROLOGIST, FOUNDED THE MOST BIGGEST IMAGINARY RECORDING ORGANIZATION IN THE FREE KNOWN WORLD--THE AMAZING KORNYFONE RECORD LABEL. YOU NOW HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO OWN THIS FRUIT OF HIS LABOR, IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO SMEAR IT ON YOUR CLOTHES. BOOLA BOOLA. The AMAZING KORNYFONE Record Label Ask for it by name (below a photograph of lowest Xerox quality) Dr. Terrence H. "Telly" Fone is shown here still getting in his personal touch even as he enters his one hundred and fifty-second year as titular head of FONOGRAM, his own faceless conglomerate. Still today Dr. Fone personally hand letters each and every label on every record issued by his totally imaginary company. Shown above he is just finishing the letter 'O' in the words "SIDE TWO'. Dedicated man. LINER ONE OF A SERIES .....bizarre or what? Barth Richards Tellabs, Incorporated Corporate Communications Lisle, IL "Memories are the refuse of my mind" -The Dark "Banana slugs have feelings too, ya know." -An Idiot "I don't know, but whatever it is, it's weird and pissed-off." -from THE THING