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From: tamir@ucbvax.ARPA (Yuval Tamir)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: "Surprise" Breakups
Message-ID: <9699@ucbvax.ARPA>
Date: Tue, 6-Aug-85 02:25:19 EDT
Article-I.D.: ucbvax.9699
Posted: Tue Aug  6 02:25:19 1985
Date-Received: Wed, 7-Aug-85 04:21:44 EDT
References: <5557@cbscc.UUCP> <816@ihlpg.UUCP> <190@bcsaic.UUCP> <172@whuts.UUCP> <366@oliven.UUCP> <9472@ucbvax.ARPA> <2553@sun.uucp>
Reply-To: tamir@ucbvax.UUCP (Yuval Tamir)
Organization: University of California at Berkeley
Lines: 37

>> I have found that "gripe meetings" are a good solution to this problem.
>> Early on in a relationship you agree to a weekly scheduled "meeting"
>> in which you spend some time talking about problems ...
>
>I like the idea of setting up a safe context in which to air bad (and good!)
>news.  Unfortunately, I have a hard time believing that bad news is amenable
>to a regular schedule.  A regular session for getting practice at conveying 
>and accepting needs, desires and suggestions, in a supportive way, 
>is probably a good thing.  But if it turns into a regularly scheduled 
>trashing, who needs it!

The gripe meetings are not for airing bad news.
If there is something that is really *news* (urgent)
it should be discussed as soon as possible.
The regularly scheduled meetings are used for talking about things
that might otherwise never come up yet continue to hurt
the relationship until the final explosion (the surprise breakup).
The meetings are not used to list each other's faults.
Instead, they are used to discuss the good and bad things that
happened so that it is clear to each person what was good and
what was bad for the other person.
>
>> In addition to the weekly meetings, the following "rule" is
>> also helpful: whenever there is something that is really bothering
>> one of the people, they can "call a meeting" ...
>
>If you are interested enough in someone to hear what they have to say,
>eventually the need for "practice", and for a "schedule", should go away. -bob.

No "practice" is involved.  These are techniques for enhancing communication
throughout the relationship.  In fact, they are most important
in long-term relationships for use after the initial "thrill"
is no longer there to mask potential problems.

                                 Yuval Tamir
ARPANET/CSNET: tamir@Berkeley
	 UUCP: ucbvax!tamir