Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site randvax.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!whuxlm!whuxl!houxm!ihnp4!qantel!hplabs!sdcrdcf!randvax!edhall From: edhall@randvax.UUCP (Ed Hall) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: More women than men Message-ID: <2596@randvax.UUCP> Date: Sat, 13-Jul-85 12:46:29 EDT Article-I.D.: randvax.2596 Posted: Sat Jul 13 12:46:29 1985 Date-Received: Wed, 17-Jul-85 21:19:03 EDT References: <210@cuuxa.UUCP><462@unc.UUCP> Reply-To: edhall@randvax.UUCP (Ed Hall) Organization: Rand Corp., Santa Monica Lines: 46 Keywords: egotism, chauvinism Summary: Stereotype time again... Ross Greenberg seems to feel (along with several other men on the net) that women initiate breakups because they can so readily find a replacement. I wish I knew what his sources were, because my experience has been quite different. This is a generalization, and is subject to all the caveats pertaining thereto, but it seems to apply to a lot of the relationships I've seen break up, and even some I've been in that break up--so I'm damning myself here, too. Quite simply, men--in our society--tend towards an insensitive egotism that is antithical to the care and feeding of relationships. The reason this is not particularly apparant is that it is considered ``normal''. It comes from the fact that boys are steered toward an object-oriented viewpoint towards the world, while girls are steered toward a more people-centered viewpoint. At least these are the traditional roles. There is another tendency--again considered fairly ``normal''--for men to look at the emotional support they get in a relationship as something they expect from the woman, while the woman is expected to either earn the support she gets and/or put up with less of it. After all, it is the woman's role to nurture. It's expected, whereas for a man to provide nurturing involves him giving up some measure of ``manliness''. Thus it should be no surprise if women are often more ``tuned-in'' to the health of their relationships, are more able to give themselves the emotional support needed in terminating one (or find such support among their friends), and are more likely to feel they are getting the short end of the stick in a man/woman relationship. Quite simply, our attitudes towards male/female relationships are antiquated and fraught with self-perpetuating injustices (not all of which are injustices against women, BTW). We're in a transitional phase, where women now feel more free to leave a situation that is bad for them--both because of increased independence and because of a greater belief that egalitarian relationships are possible. But people still play the old games--even some people who are trying to escape them in other ways--and increased expectations often fall far short of reality. In conclusion, I'd like to contradict Ross & Co. with the observation that almost all women I've known who have broken up a relationship have done it for one reason: disillusionment, and with the observation that men, not women, tend to be the ones who need someone ``waiting in the wings'' before they are willing to have things break up. -Ed Hall decvax!randvax!edhall