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From: regard@ttidcc.UUCP (Adrienne Regard)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: marriage = commitment
Message-ID: <549@ttidcc.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 12-Jul-85 16:48:13 EDT
Article-I.D.: ttidcc.549
Posted: Fri Jul 12 16:48:13 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 18-Jul-85 03:11:46 EDT
Organization: TTI, Santa Monica, CA.
Lines: 39

> 
> I've heard a lot of talk about how getting married can ruin things.  I'm not 
> sure I understand this (I have never been married).  What's the big difference
> between being married and living together.  I lived with a guy for 1.5 years
> and at some points I think it would have been easier if we had been married,
> although neither of us was ready for that.
> 
> 				Rea Simpson

Depending on the individuals, there can be no difference, or monumental ones.
I find that lots of people have unvoiced expectations that reside under the
heading of "marriage", and these people frequently do not voice them when
the time comes, so they experience disappointment (which is hardly fair to
the partner, who has a different, possibly also unvoiced, set of expectations,
too).  This is judging from friends of mine, who also tend to have unvoiced
expectations about "steady relationships", etc.  They just don't voice
things, sometimes simply because it's a busy world.

Also, marriage is a legal contract that "provides" certain "advantages" under
the law, which one may or may not want to be part of their reality.

My children's father and I decided that we did not want to be married, and
found that this decision required a GREAT deal of discussion, which provided
each of us with a better understanding of the other.  We have a very clear
idea of what our "commitment" to each other really means.  Our day-to-day
existance seems to require more discussion than "average" married people
(I'm guessing, based on my behaviour in my previous, failed, marriage) so
that we understand more clearly what the other is interested in/driving at
in a greater number of instances.

However, as I say, my first marriage failed, largely because of communication
problems, so even if we were married this time, we would probably discuss
things far more exhaustively than I ever did before.  This costs time, and
can be irritating at times, but on the whole we have been very satisfied
with the results.  I wouldn't get married again for the _world_ -- parental,
familial, business and platonic pressures notwithstanding.  I think that
it takes a greater commitment from "my" man to help create an individualized
institution than to grab the one off the shelf, even if many of the particu-
lars look very similar to outsiders.