Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site ttidcc.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!mhuxn!ihnp4!qantel!hplabs!pesnta!amd!amdcad!decwrl!decvax!mcnc!philabs!ttidca!ttidcc!regard From: regard@ttidcc.UUCP (Adrienne Regard) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: marriage = commitment Message-ID: <549@ttidcc.UUCP> Date: Fri, 12-Jul-85 16:48:13 EDT Article-I.D.: ttidcc.549 Posted: Fri Jul 12 16:48:13 1985 Date-Received: Thu, 18-Jul-85 03:11:46 EDT Organization: TTI, Santa Monica, CA. Lines: 39 > > I've heard a lot of talk about how getting married can ruin things. I'm not > sure I understand this (I have never been married). What's the big difference > between being married and living together. I lived with a guy for 1.5 years > and at some points I think it would have been easier if we had been married, > although neither of us was ready for that. > > Rea Simpson Depending on the individuals, there can be no difference, or monumental ones. I find that lots of people have unvoiced expectations that reside under the heading of "marriage", and these people frequently do not voice them when the time comes, so they experience disappointment (which is hardly fair to the partner, who has a different, possibly also unvoiced, set of expectations, too). This is judging from friends of mine, who also tend to have unvoiced expectations about "steady relationships", etc. They just don't voice things, sometimes simply because it's a busy world. Also, marriage is a legal contract that "provides" certain "advantages" under the law, which one may or may not want to be part of their reality. My children's father and I decided that we did not want to be married, and found that this decision required a GREAT deal of discussion, which provided each of us with a better understanding of the other. We have a very clear idea of what our "commitment" to each other really means. Our day-to-day existance seems to require more discussion than "average" married people (I'm guessing, based on my behaviour in my previous, failed, marriage) so that we understand more clearly what the other is interested in/driving at in a greater number of instances. However, as I say, my first marriage failed, largely because of communication problems, so even if we were married this time, we would probably discuss things far more exhaustively than I ever did before. This costs time, and can be irritating at times, but on the whole we have been very satisfied with the results. I wouldn't get married again for the _world_ -- parental, familial, business and platonic pressures notwithstanding. I think that it takes a greater commitment from "my" man to help create an individualized institution than to grab the one off the shelf, even if many of the particu- lars look very similar to outsiders.