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Path: utzoo!watmath!jagardner
From: jagardner@watmath.UUCP (Jim Gardner)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Question of the hour. (good :-))
Message-ID: <15776@watmath.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 16-Jul-85 16:55:37 EDT
Article-I.D.: watmath.15776
Posted: Tue Jul 16 16:55:37 1985
Date-Received: Wed, 17-Jul-85 08:14:54 EDT
References: <5557@cbscc.UUCP>  <595@unc.UUCP> <748@ihuxa.UUCP>
Reply-To: jagardner@watmath.UUCP (Jim Gardner)
Organization: U of Waterloo, Ontario
Lines: 91
Summary: I do; do you?

[ . . . line-eater fodder will be obsolete someday . . . ]

I would be doing my image a disservice if I did not
reply to the question of the hour:
     
     Yes, I *have* taken the initiative in
     "we're alone at his/my place" situations,
     and I have nothing but good things to
     remember about the results.

Of course, now that you have elicited my vote,
I get to contribute an opinion on the subject!

I hope I am not the first to be surprised by this
topic (who makes the move and how). I don't think
"the first move" is nearly the issue many of you
make it out to be. As I remember the experience(s)
from my younger days, inviting someone or being
invited isn't a surprise.

If "the move" comes as a surprise to anyone
(well, not *anyone*, but either of you), maybe
you're jumping into things? No offense to anyone
out there, but I think you want to work up to
this in a series of steps. Something a little more
llike {casual gestures of closeness -- some physical
contact -- embrace -- kiss -- kisses -- some of
the hot and heavy stuff -- lots of the hot and 
hheavy stuff -- *the move*} rather than {"wasn't that
an interesting film, so how about it?"}

Understand that I'm not talking about how long you
take on these steps or the issue of "doing it on 
a first date". I'm saying that as I remember the
process, it was a sequence of short steps; if, at
any point, either of us didn't like the direction things
were going, *then* we gently turned things around
to something casual and more platonic. It's sort of
an progressive exchange of body language. If at
any stage your subtle increase of the intimacy of
the mood was *not* reciprocated, then clearly you
have reached the boundary.

This means:
     1 -- no one has to take the pressure of making
     one big *move*
     2 -- no one has to take the pressure of rejecting
     one big *move*
     3 -- both of us/you participate in a more
     graduated give and take that uniquely defines
     our/your relationship and its physical nature;
     we explore more; we consent mutually to every 
     step.
     4 -- we are each free to find/identify a
     relationship with as much or as little contact
     as we can handle: an SOship with less or more
     gradual contact; a friendship with some
     physical affection.

It's up to you whether you explore the stages over the
course of months, weeks, days or hours. To each his own.

But I feel strongly that everyone has the right to
find that level of physical contact that's right for
them, then. And I suspect that if "the move" is coming
as a surprise to one of you, then you're pushing it.

Of course, this takes a sensitivity to your companion
and their body language, but we're all working on that
already. Right?

But I have never made a "pass" at someone that
*surprised* them; they have, perhaps, been surprised
that the pass came from me, rather than from them, but
they have never been caught by a  "big move"
when the thought wasn't already in the air.

Similarly, I haven't been surprised by a "pass"
since I was seventeen. This *includes* the passes
that *were* inappropriate to the relationships.

Now, how do you turn down a move from someone who
doesn't belong to the Linda Carson School of
Stepwise Refinement? Gently.

			   Linda Carson
			   (recently domesticated)