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From: barry@ames.UUCP (Kenn Barry)
Newsgroups: net.philosophy,net.religion,net.singles
Subject: Re: Re: marriage = commitment
Message-ID: <1044@ames.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 16-Jul-85 23:00:08 EDT
Article-I.D.: ames.1044
Posted: Tue Jul 16 23:00:08 1985
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Organization: NASA-Ames Research Center, Mtn. View, CA
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> I've heard a lot of talk about how getting married can ruin things.  I'm not 
> sure I understand this (I have never been married). What's the big difference
> between being married and living together.  I lived with a guy for 1.5 years
> and at some points I think it would have been easier if we had been married,
> although neither of us was ready for that.
> 
> 				Rea Simpson

	It seems to me that the subject line, "marriage = commitment",
just about says it all. When a couple is only living together, their
commitment to one another must in a sense be renewed daily. There is
no implication of permanence in the arrangement. No specific problem
need arise for a break to occur. Either party may simply weary of the
situation, and decide to end it.
	With marriage, I believe a future commitment is made. It is not
an *absolute* commitment to stick it out no matter what; that would not
be realistic. Things change, people change, and there are no guarantees
in this life. But, to me at least, marriage *does* mean a complete
commitment to the relationship as it exists at the time of the marriage.
In other words, each party is saying to the other, "there is nothing
about you that I'm currently aware of which would ever cause me to leave
you."
	I think some people take an opposite view of marriage, and for
these people marriage can become the end of their relationship. They
hope that the act of marriage will help resolve their difficulties, instead
of resolving them before they make the commitment. Perhaps this works,
sometimes, but when it doesn't work, the person finds they've made a
lifetime commitment to an unsatisfactory mate. So they recognize their
mistake, and call it quits. And marriage ends up destroying a
relationship that worked reasonably well when they only lived together.
	Incidentally, I've lived with women both with contract (i.e.
married) and without, and thoroughly approve of both. I don't mean to
imply that lifelong commitment *can't* exist without formal marriage
vows, only that it rarely does.

-  From the Crow's Nest  -                      Kenn Barry
                                                NASA-Ames Research Center
                                                Moffett Field, CA
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