Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version Tektronix Network News Daemon (B 2.10.2 based); site tektronix.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!ucbvax!decvax!tektronix!michaelo From: michaelo@tektronix.UUCP (Michael O'Hair) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Warning! Shaggy Dog Story Ahead Message-ID: <5473@tektronix.UUCP> Date: Mon, 8-Jul-85 11:21:17 EDT Article-I.D.: tektroni.5473 Posted: Mon Jul 8 11:21:17 1985 Date-Received: Thu, 11-Jul-85 00:26:05 EDT Organization: Tektronix, Beaverton OR Lines: 53 [ null ] At one time in college, in my callow youth, I was involved with a group of practical jokers in my dorm that engaged in the usual tomfoolery, stuffing the dorm chaplain's room with wadded up newspaper, making Right Guard flamethrowers, and the like. We worked out the guidelines for the "perfect RF", an acronym that does not mean Rat Fink. It boiled down to one simple premise: "You can cause freaking out, but no real damage." In the dorm was a Melvin. A real one. His name was Melvin Francis Walker, and he was amiable, trusting, and very gullible. A natural target for all sorts of harrassment, since he always laughed after the fact. A good example was when someone took the very expensive portrait photo of his girlfriend (who was, to be charitable, plain), disassembled it, stretched clear plastic wrap over the photo, drew a big black mustache under her nose and then reassembled the parts. Mel came back from lunch, saw the graffitum, tried to rub it off, and of course freaked when he saw that the ink was not on the glass. After a really impressive blow-up (he was a farm-boy and had developed a good set of lungs yelling over the noise of harvesters and the like), he disassembled the portrait and discovered the plastic wrap. By dinner time he was laughing over it. Or maybe it was the five quarts of overage cottage cheese he'd put in my bed. As things of this sort are wont to do, it escalated. One of RF squad was taking Chemistry and found some nifty stuff, a clear gel that you could paint onto something that would insulate it from brief low temperature flames. Cliff played with this a bit, and showed it to us in his fashion, setting his hand on fire while we were in his room, sneaking a beer. He wasn't too happy about my attempt to quench the flames with my beer, but we had a new trick. About a week later, the dorm held an "ugliest woman on campus" contest. I must confess that I made my nominations in this highly sexist enterprise, but I have had my conciousness raised since then. We declared a winner and a suitable celebration in the rec-room. Mel came in and saw his girlfriend's portrait arranged on a little funeral pyre made of kindling and cardboard. He shrieked as Cliff touched a match to the pile and it went up with a bright blue flame. Mel was frozen as he watched the fire consume the portrait. We realized that something had gone very wrong. Cliff had substituted something that burned much hotter than the usual lighter fluid. Mel got really mad and starting reading us the riot act, telling us that we should be ashamed of ourselves and how we were thoughtless idiots and more. We said we were sorry and told him we would buy him a replacement. He stormed out of the room and we looked guiltily at each other and the charred remains of his girlfriend's photo. That, of course, was the bier that made Mel Walker shame us. No, I will not apologize.