Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site watmath.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!jagardner From: jagardner@watmath.UUCP (Jim Gardner) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: Question of the hour. (good :-)) Message-ID: <15776@watmath.UUCP> Date: Tue, 16-Jul-85 16:55:37 EDT Article-I.D.: watmath.15776 Posted: Tue Jul 16 16:55:37 1985 Date-Received: Wed, 17-Jul-85 08:14:54 EDT References: <5557@cbscc.UUCP><595@unc.UUCP> <748@ihuxa.UUCP> Reply-To: jagardner@watmath.UUCP (Jim Gardner) Organization: U of Waterloo, Ontario Lines: 91 Summary: I do; do you? [ . . . line-eater fodder will be obsolete someday . . . ] I would be doing my image a disservice if I did not reply to the question of the hour: Yes, I *have* taken the initiative in "we're alone at his/my place" situations, and I have nothing but good things to remember about the results. Of course, now that you have elicited my vote, I get to contribute an opinion on the subject! I hope I am not the first to be surprised by this topic (who makes the move and how). I don't think "the first move" is nearly the issue many of you make it out to be. As I remember the experience(s) from my younger days, inviting someone or being invited isn't a surprise. If "the move" comes as a surprise to anyone (well, not *anyone*, but either of you), maybe you're jumping into things? No offense to anyone out there, but I think you want to work up to this in a series of steps. Something a little more llike {casual gestures of closeness -- some physical contact -- embrace -- kiss -- kisses -- some of the hot and heavy stuff -- lots of the hot and hheavy stuff -- *the move*} rather than {"wasn't that an interesting film, so how about it?"} Understand that I'm not talking about how long you take on these steps or the issue of "doing it on a first date". I'm saying that as I remember the process, it was a sequence of short steps; if, at any point, either of us didn't like the direction things were going, *then* we gently turned things around to something casual and more platonic. It's sort of an progressive exchange of body language. If at any stage your subtle increase of the intimacy of the mood was *not* reciprocated, then clearly you have reached the boundary. This means: 1 -- no one has to take the pressure of making one big *move* 2 -- no one has to take the pressure of rejecting one big *move* 3 -- both of us/you participate in a more graduated give and take that uniquely defines our/your relationship and its physical nature; we explore more; we consent mutually to every step. 4 -- we are each free to find/identify a relationship with as much or as little contact as we can handle: an SOship with less or more gradual contact; a friendship with some physical affection. It's up to you whether you explore the stages over the course of months, weeks, days or hours. To each his own. But I feel strongly that everyone has the right to find that level of physical contact that's right for them, then. And I suspect that if "the move" is coming as a surprise to one of you, then you're pushing it. Of course, this takes a sensitivity to your companion and their body language, but we're all working on that already. Right? But I have never made a "pass" at someone that *surprised* them; they have, perhaps, been surprised that the pass came from me, rather than from them, but they have never been caught by a "big move" when the thought wasn't already in the air. Similarly, I haven't been surprised by a "pass" since I was seventeen. This *includes* the passes that *were* inappropriate to the relationships. Now, how do you turn down a move from someone who doesn't belong to the Linda Carson School of Stepwise Refinement? Gently. Linda Carson (recently domesticated)