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From: janec@tektools.UUCP (Jane Caputo)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: How far can friendship go?
Message-ID: <315@tektools.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 15-Jul-85 03:50:39 EDT
Article-I.D.: tektools.315
Posted: Mon Jul 15 03:50:39 1985
Date-Received: Wed, 17-Jul-85 20:36:04 EDT
Distribution: net
Organization: Tektronix, Beaverton OR
Lines: 56

I'm starting to suspect that the difference in attitudes about platonic
relationships has something to do with age.  Most of my younger friends
seem to agree with Chris Anderson:

>I wonder why they can't do it without turning on?  Even more important,
>why do they feel they *HAVE* to finish it off by making love?  I wonder if
>it might just be that they *feel* that they must do it, not that they really
>have to. I think that some people just don't realize that you *don't* have 
>to go 'all the way' every time you touch another persons body.

In the fifties and early sixties there were girls around (I wouldn't dream
of calling them women) who bragged about going to bed with their boyfriends
and refusing to allow them to finish.  They were "saving it" for their
husbands.  They were "good" girls, in contrast to the "bad" girls who let boys
go all the way.  Listening to them turned my stomach.  

In the sixties we decided our husbands (if we chose to marry) could do without 
that great gift.  We were entitled to have premarital sex and enjoy it.
After all those years of not being able to, it was a privilege.  It became a 
women's issue similar to abortion today: women who didn't do it
personally (like me, since I was already married) still thought it important 
to support those who did.  Men who still
wanted to classify women into "good" and "bad" were obviously hopelessly
behind the times, and we weren't interested in them anyway.  But some
responsibility came with the freedom.  We were entitled to be honest when
we wanted someone, but we were also honest when we weren't interested.
We didn't advertise what wasn't available.

I've gone through all the ancient history so you can see why I would
never be alone with a man kissing and hugging, unless I wanted to finish.
I started to say unless I wanted to make love, but actually to me the kissing
and hugging *is* making love.  In fact there are a whole complex of other
things, like certain kinds of compliments, that also to me are part of the
lovemaking.  I would never do them under any other circumstances.

Now, I don't say that once I got myself into that situation, I could never
imagine myself saying no.  There have been times when I've changed my mind.
But I haven't felt good about doing that to someone.  And if a man did it
to me, I'm sure I'd feel hurt.  If he tried to smooth it over by saying he
was just a friend who had never intended to do any more than a little kissing
and hugging, I'd be furious.  

I'm really interested in what you are all saying about this kind of non-
sexual closeness.  You're really the post-revolutionary generation, and
it's interesting to sit back and see how it all got sorted out.  It may turn
out to be a really good, healthy thing.  I hope so, but I'm not so convinced
that I'm anxious to try it myself.  

Jane Caputo
{allegra, ihnp4, decvax, ucbvax...}!tektronix!tektools!janec

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