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From: janec@tektools.UUCP (Jane Caputo)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Just how far can friendship go?
Message-ID: <308@tektools.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 10-Jul-85 17:48:01 EDT
Article-I.D.: tektools.308
Posted: Wed Jul 10 17:48:01 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 13-Jul-85 10:13:44 EDT
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Wait a minute, everybody, this discussion is starting to make me feel like
I've been living on another planet.

> In college this past year, I got to know a female student who hung out at the
> campus radio station like I did.  She already had a boyfriend, so any sort of
> SOship was understandably ruled out.  However, we carried on much like we were
> SOs.  That is, we hugged quite often.  We played (for lack of a better term)
> snugglebunnies on the coach.  But we never did 'The Act' as Ann Landers refers
> to it.  About the most we ever did was just shy of kissing (on the lips).     
 
> Now I just want to know why I can't seem
> to have this kind of relationship with others of the opposite sex?  

> Chris Andersen (aka "The Stranger")

Mainly because most people can't do all that without turning on,
and at that point they want to finish what they've started.  Unless, of
course, both people have a powerful motive for not finishing, like the
married friends that Rion Cassidy mentioned:

> What made this seem somewhat unusual to most watching was that this 
> relationship was supposedly all above board, that is they weren't hiding
> anything from anyone.  Her husband knew of and had met my friend and everyone
> who ate lunch in the company cafeteria would see them eating together 
> every day, alone.

> but I still feel these two were a little confused regarding
> their own desires since I know that they each were having thoughts of a
> sexual nature towards each other, yet doing nothing about them.

No, I don't think those two were confused at all.  As a veteran of a long-
term marriage, I can tell you that relationships like that are often very
deliberate choices.  Sometimes they can provide just enough emotional 
release to make it possible to stay in a less-than-satisfying marriage.
Of course it requires a delicate balancing act, and both parties really
have to know where to draw the line (and what their spouses will accept.)

W. Rance Cleaveland writes:

> I'll certainly agree with you that the kind of relationship you describe is
> extremely edifying and satisfying.  It's such a relief to be freed from 
> the onus of wondering whether you're living up to her sexual expectations
> or wondering why she isn't (or is :-)).  

Moira Mallison answers:

> While I agree with you in theory, I've realized it doesn't necessarily 
> always work out that way in practice  (if only because there seems to 
> be an implication of an inherent passage of time).  I've experienced the
> freedom you speak of after just a few hours with one person; on the other 
> hand, it was missing after a few months of non-sexual friendship with another.
> The difference is the open honest communication I enjoy with the first 
> person compared to a situation where that didn't exist in the least.

I agree that it's an oversimplification to say that sexual involvement adds
problems to an otherwise solid relationship.  If problems are there,
they have to do with the way people communicate.  And believe it or not,
there are some multitalented individuals out there who are very good at both
communicating and making love.  (Some of them are even engineers.
Take my word for it.  :-) )  Actually, problems with relationships have less 
to do with individual skills than with the combination of personalities and 
expectations.  Some just don't work very well.  (OK, I'll admit I was a soc 
major.  All you psych types can flame me for that. :-) 

Jane Caputo
{allegra, ihnp4, decvax, ucbvax...}!tektronix!tektools!janec

Jane Caputo
Tektronix, Inc.
M.S. 74-900
P.O. Box 500
Beaverton, OR 97077
(503) 627-1764