Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site utcsri.UUCP Path: utzoo!utcsri!ray From: ray@utcsri.UUCP (Raymond Allen) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: Hurting the other by a "no" Message-ID: <1264@utcsri.UUCP> Date: Wed, 17-Jul-85 12:41:07 EDT Article-I.D.: utcsri.1264 Posted: Wed Jul 17 12:41:07 1985 Date-Received: Wed, 17-Jul-85 13:23:11 EDT References: <5557@cbscc.UUCP><591@unc.UUCP> <854@ihlpg.UUCP> <750@ihuxa.UUCP> Reply-To: ray@utcsri.UUCP (Raymond Allen) Organization: CSRI, University of Toronto Lines: 67 Summary: In article <750@ihuxa.UUCP> hoff@ihuxa.UUCP (Hoff) writes: >> > Having to reject someone is ALMOST as bad as BEING rejected. >> > >> > Frank Silbermann >> >> Yes!!! And I still haven't learned how to do it to my satisfaction (ie, >> gently, but clearly--I tend to err on either side, and resulting situations >> are not nice.) >> I know it's possible--but how? >> >> AMBAR > >I'm a (almost totally) self-actualized individual and I KNOW that my >emotions are my own CHOICE. Yes, folks, choice. If I cannot handle >a no from you, it is my own growing that I had best tend to. > > Gypsy (Julie Hoff) ....!ihnp4!ihuxa!hoff Exactly so! Ideas like this one provided by Gypsy are so universally true that I tend to think of them as Fundamental Laws of human behavior. Fundamental Law #1: No one can make you feel (emotional) pain (or any other type of feeling for that matter). Only YOU can make this happen. To expand a little upon this. Consider the on-going example of rejection: If someone turns you down for a date (or tumble in the hay, etc.) you will only feel hurt under specific and, unfortunately all too common, circumstances. Specifically, YOU CHOOSE to internalize the rejection as a personal affront to your integrity (or sex appeal, or virility, or intelligence, or whatever). Next, good old rationalization take over. The result? Pain (and/or anger, depending upon your personality). This rather self-destructive process gets its start from the fact that *you* chose to relate the rejection with your self-image. The only way to stop this is to change your self-image and your (usually) knee-jerk reactions to these situations. Everyone should, from time to time, take stock of their self-image. Even training yourself to stop and carefully analyze situations that are potentially painful BEFORE the pain begins is a useful tactic. For those of you who are still with me, I now provide some other Fundamental Laws: Fundamental Law #2: No one should EVER try to manipulate, coerce, use forceful or other nasty means to obtain favors, co-operation, etc. from others. If you do this often, then you have a serious flaw in your personality. Its called SELFISHNESS. The proper approach is to apply... Fundamental Law #3: The best way to obtain co-operation, etc. from others is to provide them with a mean(s), an implementation strategy, and reasoning which demonstrates how the application of your idea can be beneficial to them (and, hopefully, yourself also). enuff said, Ray Allen utcsri!ray P.S. Gypsy, you *my* kinda person!!