Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site ut-sally.UUCP
Path: utzoo!decvax!genrad!panda!talcott!harvard!ut-sally!pooh
From: pooh@ut-sally.UUCP (Pooh @ the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: This is really poor...
Message-ID: <2340@ut-sally.UUCP>
Date: Sat, 13-Jul-85 16:17:33 EDT
Article-I.D.: ut-sally.2340
Posted: Sat Jul 13 16:17:33 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 14-Jul-85 02:04:25 EDT
References: <309@faron.UUCP>
Distribution: na
Organization: U. Texas CS Dept., Austin, Texas
Lines: 71

> I would request the advice of someone more knowledgable about the eventual
> course of relationships.
 
Um, well, the only person working here today is me,
so I  hope I'll do. . .

> I had dated the same women for seven years -- I consider seven years to be a
> substantial fraction of my life.  I would say that we were in love.
> Anyway, our relationship began to dissolve and this made me bitter toward
> her.  

This is all natural.  You don't say, though, why it began to
dissolve.  Did you feel that one of you was
"falling out of love" with the other?  Or were you
just going through a stressful time?

> One day in response to
> various things I had said several days earlier I received a letter (she was
> in Amherst and I was in Boston) which I considered insulting.  The letter
> prompted a similar response on my part.  After having posted my response I
> decided that that would be the last time I would ever have anything to do
> with her.  Many months went by and I stuck to my decision and felt
> reasonable about what I had done.  

I don't know how to say this diplomatically, so I won't.
You broke off a seven-year relationship on the basis of
ONE LETTER?

It doesn't sound to me as though you really *wanted*
to keep the relationship going after that.  Did you
simply inform her of your decision, or did she agree to it?

> This morning called her at home only to find that she was on holiday in
> Europe for the entire summer (not entirely alone either).  

This is not surprising.

> I can't get her out of my mind, I can't keep my mind in focus
> on what I'm doing...
> 
> Anyway, what I want to hear, I guess, is that such sentiments are natural
> and will eventually pass... I have few people I can really talk to about
> this. Somehow the net seems like a reasonable place to seek advice.
> 
> Michal

It appears to me that you didn't get any real closure on the
relationship--you just broke it off very suddenly.  It's
entirely normal for you to have those feelings come back;
you didn't "finish it."  I hope you can get in touch with her
when she gets back and perhaps talk things out.  After so
long, though, she may also have a lot of resentment that
will result in her not wanting to bring it all up again.

You broke off a very important part of your life, and it
sounds to me like you never went through the grieving
period that everyone has when he loses something important
to him.  I would advise you to read some books about grief.
You don't have to lose someone to death to grieve for
his/her absence, and the stages and feelings are the same.
They can surface, disappear, and resurface for a long time,
and you need to deal with them if you can.

Good luck to you.

Pooh

pooh@purdue-ecn-cb.ARPA     pooh@ut-sally.ARPA
pur-ee!pooh                 ut-sally!pooh

How the world dearly loves a cage. . .