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From: liberte@uiucdcs.Uiuc.ARPA
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Collected Communication 101
Message-ID: <26600132@uiucdcs>
Date: Thu, 4-Jul-85 03:38:00 EDT
Article-I.D.: uiucdcs.26600132
Posted: Thu Jul  4 03:38:00 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 5-Jul-85 07:41:00 EDT
Lines: 65
Nf-ID: #N:uiucdcs:26600132:000:3141
Nf-From: uiucdcs.Uiuc.ARPA!liberte    Jul  4 02:38:00 1985


Maybe I'm learning something here.  Seems like many (not all) of my more
promising (from my perspective) encounters sound like this:

/* Written  9:55 pm  Jun 29, 1985 by thb@unisoft.UUCP in uiucdcs:net.singles */

     I was walking down the street today, and passed by two quite lovely
women playing folk-music on the sidewalk.  ...

     Yet, I got the feeling I was being ignored.  ...

     I'm not sending out a sob story here, but just want some feedback
on what other people out there see in these kind of unsatisfying specks
of social intercourse, those BLAH happenings that seem to hold so much
promise, and then leave you with that 'Oh, ok... oh well..." feeling.

					- Tim Bessie
/* End of text from uiucdcs:net.singles */


Yes, I get those blahs.  I dont usually extend myself enough to turn them
into crushing defeats.  But the discomfort of having tried and failed is 
enough to give me pause - why does this have to be?

I am not an aggressive kind of guy, unless I am feeling confident and have
something to say or give which I feel (usually without thinking about it)
will be appreciated.  So I have resolved what was shyness into a quite
intensity, ready to jump in when it feels right.

Ah, but there's the rub.  You have to test the waters.  You have to take
some risk - just getting out of bed in the morning, let alone getting in.
And even the most casual social encounter is fraught with potential
disasters.  (E.g. Last week, a woman I barely smiled at in a store later,
outside, gave me the finger.  I was shocked!  I've spent hours trying to
figure out what I might have done to deserve such an offense.)

So given all that could go wrong, why worry?  Actually, most of my
encounters are rather encouraging.  There is usually something interesting
to talk about, and if there isnt, enh!, what does it matter.  Just be
friends, I remind myself.  I've had a fairly fulfilling relationship in the
past which gives me confidence that I can have such things again.

But what about when something more interesting comes up?  This curious
tension creeps up on me.  Do something or you'll miss your chance.  Maybe
this will be good, really good, or maybe not, who knows...  Too early to
think about that.  OK, talk.  Talking...  yes, interesting...  I like her,
hmm..  does she like me.?.  talking...  oh, that was a creepy thing to
say...  sorta like the Woody Allen parallel-dialog with Anne Hall.

Well, the problem is that this unease is born of, perhaps, the wrong
approach, a misguided pursuit of something that will come naturally if it
comes at all.  I have to keep reminding myself to forget about anything else
and just be there - or was that here?  where was I?..  Oh yeah... Remember:
Listen and speak from the heart and mind.  Enjoy life and suddenly discover 
life enjoyable.  Etc...

Hmm.. but my WILL to do something while doing nothing carries me through
the interaction as if I were balancing on one leg with my eyes closed.
I can't do it long, and I fall back into the old firmly rooted pattern.
But I learned a bit more along the way.


Dan LaLiberte
liberte@uiucdcs.Uiuc.ARPA
ihnp4!uiucdcs!liberte