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From: michaelo@tektronix.UUCP (Michael O'Hair)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Warning! Shaggy Dog Story Ahead
Message-ID: <5473@tektronix.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 8-Jul-85 11:21:17 EDT
Article-I.D.: tektroni.5473
Posted: Mon Jul  8 11:21:17 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 11-Jul-85 00:26:05 EDT
Organization: Tektronix, Beaverton OR
Lines: 53


[ null ]

At one time in college, in my callow youth,  I was involved with a group
of practical jokers in my dorm that engaged in the usual tomfoolery, 
stuffing the dorm chaplain's room with wadded up newspaper, making Right
Guard flamethrowers, and the like.  We worked out the guidelines for the
"perfect RF", an acronym that does not mean Rat Fink. It boiled down to
one simple premise: "You can cause freaking out, but no real damage." 

In the dorm was a Melvin. A real one. His name was Melvin Francis Walker,
and he was amiable, trusting, and very gullible. A natural target for all
sorts of harrassment, since he always laughed after the fact. A good 
example was when someone took the very expensive portrait photo of his 
girlfriend (who was, to be charitable, plain), disassembled it, stretched 
clear plastic wrap over the photo, drew a big black mustache under her nose 
and then reassembled the parts.

Mel came back from lunch, saw the graffitum, tried to rub it off, and
of course freaked when he saw that the ink was not on the glass. After
a really impressive blow-up (he was a farm-boy and had developed a good
set of lungs yelling over the noise of harvesters and the like), he
disassembled the portrait and discovered the plastic wrap.  By dinner
time he was laughing over it. Or maybe it was the five quarts of overage
cottage cheese he'd put in my bed.

As things of this sort are wont to do, it escalated. One of RF squad was
taking Chemistry and found some nifty stuff, a clear gel that you could
paint onto something that would insulate it from brief low temperature
flames. Cliff played with this a bit, and showed it to us in his fashion,
setting his hand on fire while we were in his room, sneaking a beer.

He wasn't too happy about my attempt to quench the flames with my beer, but
we had a new trick. About a week later, the dorm held an "ugliest woman on 
campus" contest. I must confess that I made my nominations in this highly
sexist enterprise, but I have had my conciousness raised since then. We
declared a winner and a suitable celebration in the rec-room. Mel came
in and saw his girlfriend's portrait arranged on a little funeral pyre
made of kindling and cardboard. He shrieked as Cliff touched a match
to the pile and it went up with a bright blue flame. Mel was frozen as
he watched the fire consume the portrait. We realized that something had
gone very wrong. Cliff had substituted something that burned much hotter
than the usual lighter fluid.

Mel got really mad and starting reading us the riot act, telling us that
we should be ashamed of ourselves and how we were thoughtless idiots and
more. We said we were sorry and told him we would buy him a replacement.
He stormed out of the room and we looked guiltily at each other and the
charred remains of his girlfriend's photo.

That, of course, was the bier that made Mel Walker shame us.

No, I will not apologize.