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From: ray@utcsri.UUCP (Raymond Allen)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Hurting the other by a "no"
Message-ID: <1264@utcsri.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 17-Jul-85 12:41:07 EDT
Article-I.D.: utcsri.1264
Posted: Wed Jul 17 12:41:07 1985
Date-Received: Wed, 17-Jul-85 13:23:11 EDT
References: <5557@cbscc.UUCP>  <591@unc.UUCP> <854@ihlpg.UUCP> <750@ihuxa.UUCP>
Reply-To: ray@utcsri.UUCP (Raymond Allen)
Organization: CSRI, University of Toronto
Lines: 67
Summary: 

In article <750@ihuxa.UUCP> hoff@ihuxa.UUCP (Hoff) writes:
>> > Having to reject someone is ALMOST as bad as BEING rejected.
>> >
>> > 	Frank Silbermann
>> 
>> Yes!!!  And I still haven't learned how to do it to my satisfaction (ie,
>> gently, but clearly--I tend to err on either side, and resulting situations
>> are not nice.)  
>> I know it's possible--but how?  
>> 
>> 					AMBAR
>
>I'm a (almost totally) self-actualized individual and I KNOW that my
>emotions are my own CHOICE.  Yes, folks, choice.  If I cannot handle
>a no from you, it is my own growing that I had best tend to.
>
>			Gypsy (Julie Hoff)  ....!ihnp4!ihuxa!hoff

	Exactly so!  Ideas like this one provided by Gypsy are so universally
true that I tend to think of them as Fundamental Laws of human behavior.

Fundamental Law #1:

	No one can make you feel (emotional) pain (or any other type of
feeling for that matter).  Only YOU can make this happen.

	To expand a little upon this.  Consider the on-going example of
rejection:  If someone turns you down for a date (or tumble in the hay, etc.)
you will only feel hurt under specific and, unfortunately all too common,
circumstances.  Specifically, YOU CHOOSE to internalize the rejection
as a personal affront to your integrity (or sex appeal, or virility,
or intelligence, or whatever).  Next, good old rationalization take over.
The result?  Pain (and/or anger, depending upon your personality).

	This rather self-destructive process gets its start from the
fact that *you* chose to relate the rejection with your self-image.
The only way to stop this is to change your self-image and your
(usually) knee-jerk reactions to these situations.  Everyone should,
from time to time, take stock of their self-image.  Even training yourself
to stop and carefully analyze situations that are potentially painful
BEFORE the pain begins is a useful tactic.

	For those of you who are still with me, I now provide some other
Fundamental Laws:

Fundamental Law #2:

	No one should EVER try to manipulate, coerce, use forceful
or other nasty means to obtain favors, co-operation, etc. from others.

	If you do this often, then you have a serious flaw in your
personality.  Its called SELFISHNESS.  The proper approach is to
apply...

Fundamental Law #3:

	The best way to obtain co-operation, etc. from others is to
provide them with a mean(s), an implementation strategy, and reasoning
which demonstrates how the application of your idea can be beneficial to
them (and, hopefully, yourself also).

				enuff said,

					Ray Allen
					utcsri!ray

P.S. Gypsy, you *my* kinda person!!