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From: israel@qantel.UUCP ( Renegade@ex2564)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: True Grit Mysteries III - Part 8
Message-ID: <478@qantel.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 1-Jul-85 12:14:12 EDT
Article-I.D.: qantel.478
Posted: Mon Jul  1 12:14:12 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 5-Jul-85 04:29:30 EDT
Reply-To: israel@qantel.UUCP (Paul Israel - Renegade@ex2564)
Organization: MDS Qantel, Hayward, CA
Lines: 90


[ And now, the stunning conclusion... ]

TALES OF ROGER GUTS, P.I.

    The passage went down a steep staircase, then headed east about 400
feet. It occurred to me, as we creeped along the hall, that perhaps
I was a natural for Dungeons & Dragons after all.
   Eventually, we came upon a heavy oaken door at the end of the
hall. I turned to Angel. "Sense anything in there?"
   She concentrated for a moment, then looked puzzled. "Something's
cockeyed, here - it feels like she's in there, but at the same time she
seems to be far away..."
   At that moment, the bolt on the door snapped open, and the door swung
wide - by itself.
   Inside was a large, circular room, with some stairs leading up on the
opposite side. In the middle of the room sat Lisa, crosslegged, eyes closed,
deathly still. Standing around her were five shadowy figures, slowly
congealing into human form - her ghostly thugs.
   Lisa spoke - with a male voice. "So, Guts, we meet at last. I had a
feeling this confrontation was inevitable."
   "Cricket Martin, I presume?"
   "Correct. Very good, Guts, you impress me. As I'm sure you've deduced
by now, Lisa was not a willing partner in my little enterprise. I, uh,
appropriated her body, and her powers, for my purposes."
   "What do you mean - possession?"
   "Precisely. When she accidentally contacted me during one of her little
excursions into the realm of the beyond, I was able to take control of
her, long enough for me to pull off the crime of the decade."
   I smirked. "Ok, fine. You've got the rock. What are you going to do with
it?"
   "Why, what I always do. Fence it. With the money I get, I'll have a
sex change operation performed on this body, then go back into business
as the world's greatest thief..."
   "You scum - you're going to keep her body? I'll plug you first!" I
reached for my Uzi.
   "Tut tut, Mr. Guts - shoot me, and you'll kill an innocent Lisa. I,
of course, am not so restrained."
   He/she motioned to his ethereal thugs, who started heading towards us.
I turned to Angel - she had gone into a trance. As the first thug approached,
she suddenly opened her eyes. Three shadowy figures started forming in front
of us. One of them shouted out "Freeze, turkey! Up against the wall!" With
that, the figures congealed into three FBI agents, and started forcing the
thugs into spread eagle positions for frisking.
   At that point, Lisa stood up. "Blast, you Guts. You'll never take me dead!"
With that, she turned and started running for the stairs. Not knowing what
else to do, I started after her.
   The stairs led up to a panel, which Lisa quickly pushed open. As I reached
it, I noticed we were in the gymnasium. I also noticed Lisa had grabbed a
fencing foil off the wall, and was pointing it in my general vicinity.
Luckily, I noticed another one hanging on the wall beside me, and quickly
grabbed it.
   So we stood there, face to face, foils outstretched. We circled around
each other for a minute, as we studied each other's form.
   "You've never done this before, have you, Guts?"
   "Gee, does it show?"
   With that, she lounged, twirled her foil under my wrist, and sent my
weapon flying across the room. She had her point against my chest, and I was
backed against the wall. "And so, Mr. Guts, you'll now get a glimpse of
my world..."
   "Not so fast, Ms. Travesti. You're under arrest for the Travesti diamond
caper! Drop that sword." It was Artie Lemon, along with four of the boys in
blue from downtown. They had us completely surrounded.
   Lisa turned to me. "In the space of my forty-seven year carreer, I've never
been caught, much less convicted. Why ruin a perfect record, eh?" With that,
she saluted me with her sword, and fainted in a heap to the ground.
   Angel was watching from the stairs. "He's left. Lisa is free of him."
   "And he gets off scot free, once again."
   Angel smiled. "That's what he thinks. Captain De Swell is waiting for him
on the other side, along with a few of his fellow ex-Marines. He'll get what's
coming to him."
   "Great. But where's the rock?"
   Angel stepped over to Lisa's slowly stirring form, and reached into her
hip pocket. She pulled out the diamond. "This what all the fuss is about?"
   Artie looked confused. "I'm confused.", he said. "Who am I supposed to
arrest?"
   "Well, Art, why don't you come with me on down to the John Wayne and
I'll try to explain it all over a couple of belts."
   "Sounds better already", said Lisa, in Lisa's own voice. "I'm buying."

			THE END

		"The Case of the Pilfering Poltergeist"

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