Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site amdahl.UUCP
Path: utzoo!decvax!decwrl!sun!amdahl!gam
From: gam@amdahl.UUCP (G A Moffett)
Newsgroups: net.flame
Subject: "The Net Held Hostage, Day 1"
Message-ID: <1735@amdahl.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 3-Jul-85 03:02:01 EDT
Article-I.D.: amdahl.1735
Posted: Wed Jul  3 03:02:01 1985
Date-Received: Wed, 3-Jul-85 19:15:16 EDT
References: <777@vax2.fluke.UUCP>
Reply-To: gam@amdahl.UUCP (G A Moffett)
Distribution: na
Organization: Blue Mouse Trailer Resort, Hellmouth, CA
Lines: 62

[ Voice over: ]

... brought to you by Beatrice, a manufacturer and distributor
of just about everything you consume.

[ Upbeat, pseudo-teletype music, brass instruments, etc...  fade.
  Camera on the somber face of one of America's most respected
  newspeople. ]

Good evening.  Once again, terror has gripped the hearts and
minds of Usenet users everywhere, as The Net was taken hostage
by yet another deranged, twisted criminal.  Who could have
forseen that out of the sleepy town of Everett, Washington,
an entire communications network could be taken for ransom,
a network whose safety now depends entirely on the whims of a crazed
madman, threatening to unleash the awesome power of The
Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes unless The Net accedes
to his demands.

And just what are his demands?  In his first communique, we heard:

[ Cut to crazed terrorist gripping a seemingly endless stream of
  computer printout ]

> Until creation of net.terror, I will use this general forum to make MY
> demands of the net.  Stop chuqui.  If you do not, I will be forced to
> destroy the entire network by posting hundreds of lightbulb jokes to
> net.sources, and dozens of unrotated obscenities to net.general.

With a resigned, grim-looking Net held as a sheild before him,
this terrorist then demonstrated just a small sample of what
awaits the world if, in fact, net.terror is not created.

[ Subtitle: "The following contains graphic scenes of violence which may
  not be suitable for younger or more sensitive viewers."
  Pause.  More file footage: ]

>        If you doubt my sincerity, I will give you a tiny demonstration of
> my power
> 
>     Q:  What's green, Irish, and stays out all night?
>     A:  Patty O'Furniture!
> 
> Ha Ha Ha!!!  There's no way to stop me!  Better give in to my demands.

What lies ahead?  Over the coming weeks, we will be providing nearly
continuous interruptions of your daily routine to keep you informed
of the latest events in this, the newest hostage crisis.  No detail,
no speculation, no matter how ludicrous or insignificant, will
be overlooked, so that you can be assured of being the most
informed people on the face of the earth.

[ Upbeat, pseudo-teletype music returns.  Newsguy goes back to
  shuffling his notes. ]

[ Voice over: ]

This special report, "The Net Held Hostage, Day 1", has been
brought to you by Beatrice, an international conglomerate and
maker of telecommunications equipment, including the Bell 212A modem.
-- 
Gordon A. Moffett               ...!{ihnp4,cbosgd,sun}!amdahl!gam