Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site tove.UUCP
Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!allegra!bellcore!decvax!genrad!panda!talcott!harvard!seismo!umcp-cs!tove!dsn
From: dsn@tove.UUCP (Dana S. Nau)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: dependence/independence in relationships
Message-ID: <146@tove.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 5-Mar-85 17:59:07 EST
Article-I.D.: tove.146
Posted: Tue Mar  5 17:59:07 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 9-Mar-85 11:53:19 EST
Organization: U of Maryland, Laboratory for Parallel Computation, C.P., MD
Lines: 30

There's a theory that each of us has fundamental needs both for belonging
and for autonomy.  However, different people may want differing amounts of
each--and if this occurs in a romantic relationship, it can cause cyclic
patterns of behavior such as the following:

Suppose A wants closeness and B wants autonomy, and suppose A pushes too
much for closeness.  Then B, believing that his/her autonomy is threatened,
moves farther away.  This makes A get upset and try even harder to get
closeness, causing B to move further away, etc.

Here are some questions for everyone:  have such patterns occured in your
current or previous relationships?  Have you generally been on one side
rather than the other--and if so, what does that suggest to you?  How well
do you think you have handled such situations?

Here are my answers:

At one time or another, I've been on one side or the other in the pattern
described above.  Sometimes the side I was on has changed during the course
of a relationship.  Recently in my current relationship, there was a period
of several weeks where I wanted more closeness and my girlfriend wanted more
independence.  At first I got upset--but then, realizing what was going on,
I simply drew back a bit and became more independent myself, and this solved
the problem.  A few years ago, I probably wouldn't have been able to handle
things nearly as effectively.
-- 
Dana S. Nau		    ARPA:   dsn@maryland
Computer Science Dept.	    CSNet:  dsn@umcp-cs
University of Maryland	    UUCP:   {seismo,allegra,brl-bmd}!umcp-cs!dsn
College Park, MD 20742	    Phone:  (301) 454-7932