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From: carnes@gargoyle.UChicago.UUCP (Richard Carnes)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Recommendations on asking a person out on a date
Message-ID: <354@gargoyle.UChicago.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 5-Mar-85 18:49:20 EST
Article-I.D.: gargoyle.354
Posted: Tue Mar  5 18:49:20 1985
Date-Received: Wed, 6-Mar-85 05:20:11 EST
Organization: U. Chicago - Computer Science
Lines: 67

>> I would guess people who use lines like that do it because it is so
>> hard to turn down a non-specific question like that without obviously
>> and blatantly rejecting them. Have you tried "No, I'm very busy but
>> why don't you call me in 6 months"?

Jeff Sonntag replies:
>    Why does everyone seem to think that it's better to just keep putting
>off someone you don't want to go out with rather than 'blatantly
>rejecting' them?  And did you ever think that people might ask non-specific
>questions like that because what they *really* want to find out is the
>answer to that non-specific question?  (the sly dogs)

Jeff is absolutely right.  There is nothing difficult, or "blatantly
rejecting," about saying:  Thank you, but 

	1.  I'm currently involved with someone else.
	2.  I'm too busy these days to do any dating.
	3.  I'm getting over a relationship that just ended and don't
	    feel like going out just now.
	4.  (Make up your own white lie, but don't say, "You're too
	    short," "you don't make enough money," or the like, and
	    make it clear that the answer is no.)
	5.  No, thank you.  (You don't owe an explanation.)

But "Why don't you call me in six months"???  What the hell is the
asker-outer supposed to understand by this?  It places him in the
dilemma of trying to figure out "What did she mean by that?"  Once I
asked a lady to join me for lunch.  Her reply: "Oh, Richard, I'd
L*O*V*E to have lunch with you, but I'm too busy for the next three
weeks."  After spending a few days wondering what this meant, I
finally decided to forget it.  

The basic problem here is attempting to communicate through "code,"
which I think causes many problems in relationships.  That is,
thinking to oneself:  If I do or say this or that, he'll "get the
message."  -- rather than telling him what you want in plain English.
It doesn't work, because the code you are using is not universally
understood and unambiguous.  You've taken a big step toward maturity
when you realize that:

	-- The best way to get what you want is to ask for it.
	-- The best way not to get what you don't want is to
	   say no to it.
	-- The best way to get someone to change his behavior is
	   to let him know how it makes you feel.

How does this apply to asking for dates?  If you want to get to know
someone (rather than just needing a companion for one specific
occasion) and want to know if the interest is reciprocal, ask the
person if she would like to get together with you sometime, making it
clear that you are not just interested in the specific occasion that
you may mention (you should have *something* in mind).  Then she will
answer yes or no according to whether she is interested or not, and
will leave it to her teenage sister to say things like, "Oh yes,
definitely, but I'm real busy this week," etc.  You can also say such
things as, "I'm looking for a relationship," "Do you have a
boyfriend?" and so on.  IT IS NOT AGAINST THE LAW, folks, to express
your thoughts, feelings, and needs in plain English to someone who
is, or might become, important to you.

What about the guy who won't take no for an answer?  If you have said
"no" CLEARLY several times and he persists, tell him you are insulted
by his behavior and walk away or hang up.  If he harasses you, call
the police, or perhaps a bigger guy whom you know.  

Yours for clear and direct communication,
Richard Carnes, ihnp4!gargoyle!carnes