Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site tove.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!allegra!bellcore!decvax!genrad!panda!talcott!harvard!seismo!umcp-cs!tove!dsn From: dsn@tove.UUCP (Dana S. Nau) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: dependence/independence in relationships Message-ID: <146@tove.UUCP> Date: Tue, 5-Mar-85 17:59:07 EST Article-I.D.: tove.146 Posted: Tue Mar 5 17:59:07 1985 Date-Received: Sat, 9-Mar-85 11:53:19 EST Organization: U of Maryland, Laboratory for Parallel Computation, C.P., MD Lines: 30 There's a theory that each of us has fundamental needs both for belonging and for autonomy. However, different people may want differing amounts of each--and if this occurs in a romantic relationship, it can cause cyclic patterns of behavior such as the following: Suppose A wants closeness and B wants autonomy, and suppose A pushes too much for closeness. Then B, believing that his/her autonomy is threatened, moves farther away. This makes A get upset and try even harder to get closeness, causing B to move further away, etc. Here are some questions for everyone: have such patterns occured in your current or previous relationships? Have you generally been on one side rather than the other--and if so, what does that suggest to you? How well do you think you have handled such situations? Here are my answers: At one time or another, I've been on one side or the other in the pattern described above. Sometimes the side I was on has changed during the course of a relationship. Recently in my current relationship, there was a period of several weeks where I wanted more closeness and my girlfriend wanted more independence. At first I got upset--but then, realizing what was going on, I simply drew back a bit and became more independent myself, and this solved the problem. A few years ago, I probably wouldn't have been able to handle things nearly as effectively. -- Dana S. Nau ARPA: dsn@maryland Computer Science Dept. CSNet: dsn@umcp-cs University of Maryland UUCP: {seismo,allegra,brl-bmd}!umcp-cs!dsn College Park, MD 20742 Phone: (301) 454-7932