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From: rlr@pyuxd.UUCP (Professor Wagstaff)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: dependence/independence in relationships
Message-ID: <667@pyuxd.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 11-Mar-85 22:22:04 EST
Article-I.D.: pyuxd.667
Posted: Mon Mar 11 22:22:04 1985
Date-Received: Tue, 12-Mar-85 22:49:08 EST
References: <146@tove.UUCP>
Organization: Huxley College
Lines: 19

> There's a theory that each of us has fundamental needs both for belonging
> and for autonomy.  However, different people may want differing amounts of
> each--and if this occurs in a romantic relationship, it can cause cyclic
> patterns of behavior such as the following:
> Suppose A wants closeness and B wants autonomy, and suppose A pushes too
> much for closeness.  Then B, believing that his/her autonomy is threatened,
> moves farther away.  This makes A get upset and try even harder to get
> closeness, causing B to move further away, etc.
> Have such patterns occured in your current or previous relationships?  

Sure, and I think it's a sign that maybe the two people involved aren't
quite right for each other because they are ultimately incapable of fulfilling
each other's needs in a relationship.  If the two are really in love, they
might choose to work on it, but if they are really entrenched in their
behaviors it might not be too fruitful.  Which is not to say "Don't".  It's
just that some people may get along as friends or associates or even as lovers
just fine, but try to form a real *relationship* and they might just not be
right for each other.  And that's not the end of the world, or of anything
else they might have going for them.