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From: lfs@lzmi.UUCP (lfs)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: What now?  20+X/X
Message-ID: <312@lzmi.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 17-Jan-85 23:52:57 EST
Article-I.D.: lzmi.312
Posted: Thu Jan 17 23:52:57 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 18-Jan-85 10:17:57 EST
Organization: AT&T Information Systems, Lincroft, NJ
Lines: 41


I've been reading the 40/20 and What Now? articles with considerable interest,
since I just got divorced after 8 years of marriage.  By the time the marriage
ended a lot of hostility had built up, so both of us were glad to be out.
That's not the point though, it wasn't always that way.

Neither one of us felt jilted, but it was still emotionally traumatic.  Trust
that had been taken for granted disappeared.  Images of how we had expected
our marriage and life to work out were shattered.  And consequences of our
actions on our 5 year old daughter weighed heavily on us - fortunately we
still work together for her benefit.

Anyway, for those of you who are just starting the process; I've found this
group to be particularly helpful (even if they do flame each other
periodically :-) ).  They make starting over seem less scary, more like a
second chance to put your life together, to meet new people, to grow in ways
that you may have been stifled in before.  To "Go for it".  If nothing else,
there are enough different views just to get you started thinking and
reorienting yourself.

Besides this group, you really find out who your friends are during the crisis
and those friendships tend to get stronger over time.  You find that most
people (who aren't scared off by your problems) try to help in whatever way
they can.  Very seldom do you reach out, without getting a positive response
back.  And just when you think you've reached your low point, someone will
say or do something that touches you and makes you realize that you aren't
worthless and that people do care about you and that life is worth living.
Don't give up, ever; it does get better.

The worst problem is getting yourself out of a state of isolation and feeling
alone and cut off from everyone and everything.  Sure others have gone through
similar experiences - but they just don't understand your unique situation.
That's true they don't - and they won't - until you open up and tell them.
I have never been very open; I found I'd open up a little until I got the
least bit hurt and I'd close up again.  I'd get up the courage and repeat the
cycle; each time getting more open and closing up less.  I've come a long way,
but it will be a while before I'll love and trust again; but I know I will
because I know what it felt like when I did and I want to feel that way
again.
						Larry Safford
						(pegasus!lzmi!lfs)