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From: raj@bonnie.UUCP (Raju Bopardikar)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: What now?  (Depressed ramblings)
Message-ID: <374@bonnie.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 15-Jan-85 21:46:42 EST
Article-I.D.: bonnie.374
Posted: Tue Jan 15 21:46:42 1985
Date-Received: Wed, 16-Jan-85 05:34:59 EST
References: <263@boulder.UUCP>
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> Feed me ... FEED ME (<..(=..(<..(=..(<..[Please don't eat this line]
> 

	A suggestion to Jon's and Doug's out there ...

	I am new to the net and this is the first time I am posting to it 
	althouhg I have been reading it for a while .

	I have recently have had a similar "break-up" experience, actually 
	it was so much like the one Paul Vixie ((of the love and war fame)
	(part 1 of 2 of course)) had, that he could have been writing about 
	my relationship.

	No matter what the actual circumstances are that lead up to a
	break-up situation, if it has lasted for any length of time 
	it is very painful and as such has the potential to do much more harm.
	Not only in an emotional sense but also your relationships with your
	friends,co-workers and possibly your career.

	In the beginning you tend to withdraw from everybody, can't concentrate
	at work, don't really care about work and generally become
	not such a nice person to be around (in the sense that seeing your 
	depression people will generally leave you alone either because 
	they think you want to be left alone or because they don't want to 
	be pulled down or get depressed .) [the guy who wrote about the
	up and down cycles said it much better] (sorry for not getting your name)

	This is even worse when your girlfriend was your best friend (as was 
	my case too, jon). For me things were compounded by the fact that
	I had been away (in Atlanta) for 4 months and then was placed in a totally
	different location (New Jersey (a few jokes here..)) so the only person 
	that I knew in the area was my girlfriend (she lives near the area).

	[ briefly ... my girlfriend and I met at college in N.Y.C, went out
	  for a year ,  had a long dist. relationship the year after (she 
	  went to grad school in Albany)... lived togeather in a *small*
	  dorm apt. shared between 3 other girls (it was a gilrs dorm and we
	  had our own room) and two cats (my girlfriend's) during a N.Y.C
	  summer with no air-conditioning (of course).... and incredibly
	  SURVIVED .... that fall she left grad school and moved back to 
	  the N.Y.C area to work (she lived in New Jersey this time)
	  (we both lived at home at this time since we couldn't get a apt.)...
	  we saw each other almost every day since we both worked in N.Y.C ...
	  .. year 3 (see above) ]

	I had just being back for about a month when everything went SPLAA.

	And I had the same type of reactions and moments of uncontrolled
	emotion (not always at the best of times) that Jon described.
	I found myself doing some serious self-destructive things, like 
	drinking heavily, driving dangerously fast, etc.
	Needless to say everything was falling apart mostly due to neglect
	on my part. Then one day I got a speeding ticket (for doing about 80
	in a 50 mile zone) and I realized that if kept things up this way
	I would only succeed in getting myself killed.

	So I sat down and decided to make a real effort to stop my present course\
	and maybe turn myself around.

	This is what I did and I believe it might work for others.

	I realized that I was reacting out of fear of being by myself. Like
	Jon my circle of friends had closed down to my girlfriend and one or
	two others.  I had not really been by myself (even when in Atlanta
	we used to talk almost everyday and she had visited me a couple of times)
	But now suddenly I was really alone with no one to really talk to.

	The first thing I did was read a couple of books on stress and stress 
	management, because if anything, THIS was a stressful situation.

	Then I joined a local Y for exercise ... working out does wonders for 
	relieving stress (so does crying but in a limited way).

	I taught myself (or was it forced) to go to restaurants by myself
	believe it or not this is very difficult (at least it was for me)

	Next came going to movies by myself.

	Picking up a hobby also helps. 

	Use this oppurtunity to learn about yourself, do the things that 
	you like to do, most importantly learn to enjoy your own company.

	This is not to imply that I did not try to make friends at work or 
	wherever. Actually I made a few friends at the restaurants and bars 
	that I went to often (yes I still do drink but not heavily).
	What I was trying to do was to be able to enjoy my own company
	so that I wasn't feeling misirable and sorry for myself all the
	time when I was by myself (especially on the weekends).

	It's not easy and its taken me a little over 4 months to get to a
	point where I can write about it. But the trick is to accept the
	situation, recognize that it has the potential to turn into a 
	dangerous situation for you and make a real effort to control it 
	and learn from it.

	I think one of the main reasons we feel like our whole world has just 
	been blown apart is that we had gotten too used to having some around and
	never being really alone. Once we find that we can stand by ourselves
	than it takes a lot of pressure off of our friends. This is particularly
	dangerous, there is a great temptation to go out and GET another 
	girlfriend or try to go to bars and pickup some one up, etc. But 
	these REBOUND relationships or friendships never last very long 
	( two weeks in my case) because we are not forming these new
	friendships because we WANT to but because we NEED to. And if you
	do anything because you NEED to at this time (i.e drink,new girlfriend,etc)
	then you are just headed for more trouble.

	Thats why it is important to learn to be by yourself (there is a lot 
	that I have learned about myself that I don't think I would have
	otherwise). Then you can do things because you WANT to and NOT because
	you NEED to. 

	Of course some pain will always linger on and there will be times
	when you will feel so lonly that you won't be able to stand it.
	Thats usually when I head for a bar (to be among some people that
	I know like the bartender and Mr. Molson). But these times come
	further and further apart.

	Eventually, about a month from now I'll call my girlfriend
	and see if she is interested in becoming friends as by that
	time I'll be able to be a friend and hopefully so will she.

	Sorry for the length of this letter but somehow once the flood
	gates are opened it's hard to close them again.

	One last thing, I think that this net has helped me a lot, by 
	allowing me to see that I was not the only one with a broken heart
	or whatever. 
	
									with warm affection ,

												--- raj

											..clyde!bonnie!raj
										
	(the answer to "what is love ?" is "what was love")