Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site watcgl.UUCP
Path: utzoo!watmath!watcgl!dmmartindale
From: dmmartindale@watcgl.UUCP (Dave Martindale)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: independence-dependence cycles
Message-ID: <959@watcgl.UUCP>
Date: Sun, 13-Jan-85 19:41:54 EST
Article-I.D.: watcgl.959
Posted: Sun Jan 13 19:41:54 1985
Date-Received: Mon, 14-Jan-85 01:59:52 EST
Distribution: net
Organization: U of Waterloo, Ontario
Lines: 64

In reading others' ruminations about their current emotional state
(usually bad), it occurred to me that my own emotional state over time
seems to best be described as a cycle.

Though this cycle has no "beginning", let us start at a point when I
appear to be quite a loner.  I don't spend much time with people, and
though I'm not particularly happy, I'm not particularly unhappy.  I
definitely like myself, and I really don't care very much what other
people think of me.  I am a bit lonely.  At this point, I am perhaps
the most "independent".  I have a good set of defenses against the
world.  This is a fairly stable state, in that it can continue for
quite a while without change.

However, I would really like to spend more time with people than I am,
and in this state of independence and confidence people seem to like me,
so in the natural course of things I start spending time with one or
a few people.  I like communicating with people very openly, so I start
dropping my defenses.  I get to know these people well, and come to like
them.  I get used to having them around, and like that.  At this point,
I am quite vulnerable to what other people think of me.  I *need* other
people's approval.  I become used to having people to talk to when I am
upset, instead of dealing with it alone.  In essence, I become "dependent"
on other people.  But as long as the relationships are working well, I'm
quite happy.  The closer the relationships, and the more I feel valued by
the other people, the happier I feel.

Then, something changes.  People develop new interests, new friends, or
just don't have the time they used to.  Or, I may feel rejected by
someone.  I'm not much fun to be around any more.  I need support,
rather than being able to give it.  I'm depressed.  I'm difficult to
deal with.  People have good reason to avoid me.

Suddenly I don't have people providing the approval that has become
central to my self-esteem.  I feel unwanted and unneeded.  Except for
brief glimpses, I'm quite unable to see that I'm still the same person
that I used to like.  Getting to know new people at this point would
help, but it is difficult to form new friendships while in this sort of
mental state, both because it is difficult for me to believe that
someone would be interested and because I'm simply not very
attractive as a potential friend at this point.

Then I begin to withdraw from the world.  I stop trying to get along
with other people, and I gradually stop caring what they think of me.
Thus, my own opinion of myself becomes most important again.  And, for
the most part, I like myself,  so my self-confidence and "independence"
returns.

And we are back to the point where we began.

So, now for the point of all this:  Is this sort of cycle common?  How
can the cycle be broken?  (I don't much enjoy the "lower" part of the
cycle.)

Don't tell me to just avoid people and stay in the "stable" part of
the cycle.  I like people too much for that, and the way I can talk to
at least a few people is one of the things I like most about life and
about myself.

And please, I'm much more interested in responses that help me
understand what's going on than ones that just sympathize.

	Dave Martindale
	{decvax,ihnp4,clyde,utzoo,utcsrgv,allegra}!watmath!dmmartindale
	dmmartindale@waterloo.csnet