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Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!ihnp4!inuxc!pur-ee!ee!malcolm
From: malcolm@ee.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Mike Royko's answer to Ann Landers
Message-ID: <65500002@ee.UUCP>
Date: Sun, 20-Jan-85 14:09:00 EST
Article-I.D.: ee.65500002
Posted: Sun Jan 20 14:09:00 1985
Date-Received: Tue, 22-Jan-85 05:36:03 EST
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Nf-ID: #N:ee:65500002:000:4033
Nf-From: ee!malcolm    Jan 20 14:09:00 1985


The following is copied without permission.  In the name of spreading
the survey, I'm sure Mike Royko won't mind.

From the Friday January 18, 1985 Midwest Edition of the Chicago Tribune.

What's it gonna be: Putt or Pet?

I hope nobody blushes, but I'm going to pose a rather personal
question to mail readers.  Given a choice, men, would you rather
be having sex with your wife or out bowling with your buddies?

If you aren't a bowler, just substitute fishing, golf, shooting
pool, leaning on a bar, watching TV or whatever your favorite
recreational activity is.

This question was inspired by something my friend Ann Lander
recently wrote.

She asked her female readers if they would be content just being
cuddled and treated tenderly and forget going all the way.

The response was fascinating.  Her readers overwhelmingly voted
in favor of skipping doing it for being cuddled.

Some of them expressed relief that their husbands had died or
become infirm, so they did not have to it it anymore.

The only complaint that I have about Ann's survey is that it was
directed only at females.

But then aren't most sex surveys?

Nobody ever asks us about our needs, our frustrations, our
longing and yearnings.  It's always: "Madam do you have your
quota of orgasms?  Does your husband engage in an adequate amount
of foreplay?  Does the earth shake?"

We have become the forgotten sex, except during the recently
endured Age of the Wimp, when many modern men didn't wait to be
asked but blubbered out their most embarrassing thoughts to
anybody who would tolerate them.

But the average guy is never asked about such things.  So, to
provide some balance to Ann's survey, I am conducting my own.

Naturally, I can't ask the same question- choose between sex or
being cuddled- since that is not a choice most men would make,
although some fellows might feel differently in San Francisco.

So I have substituted other options such as the above-mentioned
choice, here are a few other you might consider.

Given a choice, would you prefer a wife who makes frequent
demands on your weary bod, or one who is content to cook; clean;
shop; tend the house; walk the dog; change the cat litter;
address the Christmas cards; and project a pleasant, obedient,
cheerful demeanor?

In the evening, do you prefer a wife who leers and nudges you
toward the bedroom, or would you rather be allowed to sit up
drinking beer and watching the late, late show until you fall
asleep in your chair and are awakened by the National anthem?

What makes your pulse race faster and your breathing grow
heavier: dropping a 40 foot put, landing a 6-pound bass, bowling
a 230 game, seeing the Sox of Cubs win a pennant or seeing your
wife waddle across the room in a negligee?

Do you prefer an old fashioned woman, who closes her eyes,
clenches her teeth and meekly submits to your carnal demands, or
a modern creature who points at the boudoir and says: "Move-the
mood is upon me"?

If you wish to take part in the survey, all you have to do is
tear out the column, underline your responses and send them to
me.

Or, if you wish, you can elaborate, pour out those innermost
feelings on your needs, your desires, your innermost cravings.
I mean, that's what a newspaper is for, right?

You can write a letter about the above questions or anything you
consider relevant, or even irrelevant.  Omit your name or include
it.  Names will, of course, be kept confidential- unless you want
it published to shock and horrify your wife.

Later, I will tabulate and print the results and some of the more
interesting letters.

I ask only that you write nothing too lewd, since I would not
want my secretary to spend her day blushing.  Or snickering.

Address your letters this way:
	Mike Royko
	Sex or Bowling Clinic
	Chicago Tribune
	435 N. Michigan Avenue
	Chicago, IL 60611

And soon we will have some important scientific and sociological
data.

If nothing else, you will know whether to invest your money in a
company that makes water beds or one that sells putters.