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From: elt@astrovax.UUCP (Ed Turner)
Newsgroups: net.kids
Subject: Re: How to discipline short of spanking
Message-ID: <524@astrovax.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 7-Jan-85 11:51:41 EST
Article-I.D.: astrovax.524
Posted: Mon Jan  7 11:51:41 1985
Date-Received: Tue, 8-Jan-85 03:18:24 EST
References: <286@ho95b.UUCP> <858@amdahl.UUCP> <859@amdahl.UUCP>
Organization: Princeton Univ. Astrophysics
Lines: 59

Discipline is a toughie.  Here are a few things my wife and I have noticed in
the course of raising our own and watching our friends raise theirs.

1) You should ALMOST NEVER (i.e., once a year at most) back down on something
you have said, whether it is telling a child not to do something or 
threatening a specific punishment.  The reason is obvious; how is the child to
know in the future whether you mean it or whether you don't.  Some people get
into an awful trap this way.  They place some act or behavior off limits, but
their child persists, and eventually they relent and allow it.  Next time they
hold their ground longer, but the child still wins out in the end.  The next
time it takes even longer and so on.  Unconsciously, the parents are teaching
the child that he/she need only draw out the issue long enough to have a chance
of getting their way.  Soon even the smallest issues of discipline take hours
or even days to resolve.  Conversely, if you always mean what you say, the
child soon learns to take your word for it.

2) Try no to nag your child and constantly be correcting its behavior on
relatively minor points.  Forbid behavior that is dangerous or really
unacceptable but try not to be authoritarian about things that are merely
annoying.  The main reason for this beyond not overly suppressing the child's
self expression is that children easily learn to "tune out" too frequent
nagging.  Then they almost literally don't hear you when the issue is more
important.

3) Some children (or maybe all children at some age) respond positively to
what their parents consider negative reinforcement.  They so love to be the
center of attention that they prefer being punished to being ignored.  This
can be a particular problem if the child is not getting enough other attention
from the parents; even spankings can be preferable to what is in their eyes
neglect.  In this case ignoring bad behavior and responding strongly with
attention to good behavior can sometimes work wonders.

4) Try to have rules that the child can understand and punishments that are
applied consistently and uniformly.  If the child cannot predict what behavior
will displease you and how it will be punished, he/she is likely to see it as
merely capriscious harrasment on your part.  Problems of this sort can easily
occur for small children who, for instance, cannot easily see why acceptable
behavior at home is unacceptable in a restaurant or at grandparents' house.

5) Spanking (assuming it is not brutal) is not particularly more effective or
more extreme than other punishments except perhaps for very small children
who may not understand what other forms of punishment are all about.  Parents
who spank regularly may still fall into all of the traps described above (and
no doubt others) and have as bad a discipline problems as parents who don't
spank.  Just switching from a no spanking to a spanking policy will not usually
solve your problems.

6) Love your children and let them know they are loved as much as you can. This
will cause them to *want* to please you.  This is the easiest and in the long
run the most effective "discipline".

7) Remember none of this or indeed anything works all the time or for all
children.

Ed Turner
astrovax!elt

P.S. - Please excuse me if this article sounds a bit arrogant or "know it all"
ish.  We have had our discipline problems too.