Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site watcgl.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!watcgl!dmmartindale From: dmmartindale@watcgl.UUCP (Dave Martindale) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: independence-dependence cycles Message-ID: <959@watcgl.UUCP> Date: Sun, 13-Jan-85 19:41:54 EST Article-I.D.: watcgl.959 Posted: Sun Jan 13 19:41:54 1985 Date-Received: Mon, 14-Jan-85 01:59:52 EST Distribution: net Organization: U of Waterloo, Ontario Lines: 64 In reading others' ruminations about their current emotional state (usually bad), it occurred to me that my own emotional state over time seems to best be described as a cycle. Though this cycle has no "beginning", let us start at a point when I appear to be quite a loner. I don't spend much time with people, and though I'm not particularly happy, I'm not particularly unhappy. I definitely like myself, and I really don't care very much what other people think of me. I am a bit lonely. At this point, I am perhaps the most "independent". I have a good set of defenses against the world. This is a fairly stable state, in that it can continue for quite a while without change. However, I would really like to spend more time with people than I am, and in this state of independence and confidence people seem to like me, so in the natural course of things I start spending time with one or a few people. I like communicating with people very openly, so I start dropping my defenses. I get to know these people well, and come to like them. I get used to having them around, and like that. At this point, I am quite vulnerable to what other people think of me. I *need* other people's approval. I become used to having people to talk to when I am upset, instead of dealing with it alone. In essence, I become "dependent" on other people. But as long as the relationships are working well, I'm quite happy. The closer the relationships, and the more I feel valued by the other people, the happier I feel. Then, something changes. People develop new interests, new friends, or just don't have the time they used to. Or, I may feel rejected by someone. I'm not much fun to be around any more. I need support, rather than being able to give it. I'm depressed. I'm difficult to deal with. People have good reason to avoid me. Suddenly I don't have people providing the approval that has become central to my self-esteem. I feel unwanted and unneeded. Except for brief glimpses, I'm quite unable to see that I'm still the same person that I used to like. Getting to know new people at this point would help, but it is difficult to form new friendships while in this sort of mental state, both because it is difficult for me to believe that someone would be interested and because I'm simply not very attractive as a potential friend at this point. Then I begin to withdraw from the world. I stop trying to get along with other people, and I gradually stop caring what they think of me. Thus, my own opinion of myself becomes most important again. And, for the most part, I like myself, so my self-confidence and "independence" returns. And we are back to the point where we began. So, now for the point of all this: Is this sort of cycle common? How can the cycle be broken? (I don't much enjoy the "lower" part of the cycle.) Don't tell me to just avoid people and stay in the "stable" part of the cycle. I like people too much for that, and the way I can talk to at least a few people is one of the things I like most about life and about myself. And please, I'm much more interested in responses that help me understand what's going on than ones that just sympathize. Dave Martindale {decvax,ihnp4,clyde,utzoo,utcsrgv,allegra}!watmath!dmmartindale dmmartindale@waterloo.csnet