Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2.fluke 9/24/84; site fluke.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!sdcsvax!sdcrdcf!hplabs!tektronix!uw-beaver!ssc-vax!fluke!inc From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Gary Benson) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Dave Barry - Postpetroleum Guzzler Message-ID: <489@tpvax.fluke.UUCP> Date: Wed, 2-Jan-85 14:03:44 EST Article-I.D.: tpvax.489 Posted: Wed Jan 2 14:03:44 1985 Date-Received: Tue, 8-Jan-85 05:08:04 EST Distribution: net Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA Lines: 104 *- P O S T P E T R O L E U M G U Z Z L E R -* -By Dave Barry [Reprinted without permission New Shelter, Nov/Dec 1982] I don't want to be judgmental or anything, but if you still heat your home with oil, you are a worthless piece of antienvironment slime. Oil is what we ecology-oriented persons call a "nonrenewable" resource, which means all of it was formed billions of years ago by dinosaurs that fell on the ground and rotted. The dinosaurs were eventually covered with sand, which was in turn covered with Middle Eastern countries, and all this weight caused the dinosaurs to turn into oil. The problem, of course, is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer. This means that the oil you use to heat your home has come all the way from the Middle East by a very complex and wasteful process. Here's how it works: every day, millions of barrels of oil are sucked out of the ground, removed from the barrels, and pumped onto huge ships, which sink instantly. The oil washes up on shore and is collected in buckets by people with filthy legs who load it into fuel-oil-company trucks, which deliver it to your house. Since this is a distance of almost 13,000 miles, much of it over water, only the toughest and fastest trucks get through, and they burn up most of the oil on the way. Geologists now believe that if we continue to consume oil at the current rate, we will use up all of the earth's oil reserves by tomorrow afternoon at around 3:30. So you'd better find some other way to heat your house, pronto. One excellent way is to use wood. Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you come back. Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up. To heat your house with wood, you'll need a good wood source. The best wood sources are woodpiles, which can be found in most suburban backyards in early fall. You should gather your wood very early in the morning, wearing dark clothing and a loaded sidearm. You should try to gather hardwoods, such as veneer, because these extinguish themselves automatically seconds after you light them, which makes them very safe. You should avoid the softwoods, such as cork, because these burn far too easily. You can cause a piece of softwood to explode into flame merely by dropping it on the ground. Now you'll need someplace to burn your wood. You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. Instead of a fireplace, you should heat your house with a woodstove, preferably one that is airtight. To test for airtightness, leave a smallish animal that your children have not grown fond of, such as a chicken, inside the stove for several days. You can use the chicken later to clean your chimney. If you don't want to go the woodstove route, you should consider solar heat. Solar heat comes from the sun, which is really nothing more that a nearby star, which means it could explode at any minute. In the meanwhile, though, the sun is giving off scads of energy in the form of rays, which slam into the earth at nearly the speed of light and bounce back into outer space, where they illuminate the moon, form comets, etc. But these rays can also be trapped and used to form heat. If you could retain just one-billionth of the rays that hit your house every day, all of your appliances would melt. There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. The other popular alternative home heat sources are wind, water, nuclear power, and beer. When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. -- Gary Benson ms232e -*- John Fluke Mfg Co -*- Box C9090 -*- Everett WA 98206 USA {microsoft,allegra,ssc-vax,sun,sb1}{decvax,ihnp4,tektronix!uw-beaver}!fluke!inc giventheappropriatetechnology,ifyouleftyesterdayat1200baudyoucouldbeonsaturnnow