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From: rcd@opus.UUCP (Dick Dunn)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: LAFS and little things
Message-ID: <1016@opus.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 15-Jan-85 03:27:36 EST
Article-I.D.: opus.1016
Posted: Tue Jan 15 03:27:36 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 18-Jan-85 03:10:25 EST
References: <283@sftri.UUCP> <1624@pucc-h> <2135@nsc.UUCP>
Organization: NBI,Inc, Boulder CO
Lines: 45

> > = Jeff;  > = Chuq
>  
> >I suppose I am beginning to reconcile myself to the conclusion that the woman
> >I should marry will not be instantaneously obvious when I first meet her.
>...
> I tried that once, Jeff-- trust me, it doesn't work. For a relationship as
> complex as a working marriage, you really need time to find the quirks. If
> you look at why marriages fail, it isn't major issues-- it is because he
> squeezes the toothpaste in the middle, it is because she hogs the covers,...

Mostly hogwash.  Somewhere we became smart enough to realize that not every
successful relationship comes from "love at first sight" (and the
contrapositive), yet that doesn't mean that "love at first sight" never
happens or won't work.  [In terms of the duration of a successful
relationship, "first sight" probably means the first few hours or first few
encounters.]  It CAN happen and it CAN work.  Chuq is right to the extent
that you'd better give it enough time to figure out that it IS right.  In
my own experience, a big part of it is not trying to fool yourself--if
neither of you have facades up when you meet, things can go remarkably
fast.

Most emphatically, the reason marriages fail is NOT the little things like
the toothpaste or the covers or who loads the dishwasher...those are the
excuses we use, often because the big things are too ephemeral to hang on
to as excuses.  Of course, if you started up a relationship with facades
on, it won't even take big evanescent problems; the simple matter of trying
to maintain the facade will kill it.

But anyway, here are a few issues that people (remarkably) ignore when
trying to decide if they're compatible:
	Do you want kids?
	Where do you want to live?  (City, suburb, country?  East coast, 
		west coast, mountains, plains?)
	Are you a workaholic?
	Do you need to talk about work off-hours?  Are your work associates
		and your friends the same?
	Do you listen to music a lot or a little?  What kind?
Things that matter for a lot of the time are the things that make big
issues.  Oddly-squoze toothpaste requires a maximum of seconds a day to
deal with; if you can't handle a minor irritation that small there's no
hope.  (If you have no more tolerance than that, what the hell do you do to
the paperboy when he misses the porch???)
-- 
Dick Dunn	{hao,ucbvax,allegra}!nbires!rcd		(303)444-5710 x3086
   ...A friend of the devil is a friend of mine.