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From: woods@hao.UUCP (Greg Woods)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Relationships:  do ANY of them work?
Message-ID: <1343@hao.UUCP>
Date: Sun, 20-Jan-85 14:07:01 EST
Article-I.D.: hao.1343
Posted: Sun Jan 20 14:07:01 1985
Date-Received: Tue, 22-Jan-85 06:01:42 EST
References: <1869@wateng.UUCP>
Distribution: net
Organization: High Altitude Obs./NCAR, Boulder CO
Lines: 89

> rarely do I see anything like "don't worry so much...things CAN work out,
> I know because it's working out for me..."  

   Don't worry so much, things CAN work out, I know because they're working
out for me. :-) Sorry, couldn't resist. Seriously, I think the reason that
you see so many negative-sounding postings is not just because there are
lots of breakups (which there are), but because people choose to go deep
into their shit over it, instead of just seeing things the way they are
and get on with your life (as I advised Jon to do). The problem occurs
when people start comparing the world (or their life) the way it *is*
to some belief they have about how it *should* be, and then make a judgment
based on this comparison, such as "my life sucks". This is what causes
depression. I do know about this one, because I've been really good at
it in my life. Fortunately for me, I've been through an awareness training
course, and as a result of that experience I've changed my view of the
world. I'm much more accepting of things the way they are, and spend
much less time wishing they were different (which is a waste of energy,
and, as above, leads to depression). Case in point: around Thanksgiving
time, I started a new relationship with a woman whom I loved very much.
It looked as though the relationship had all the potential in the wold,
but it turned out that she had not been totally honest with me about
what she wanted from the relationship. By Christmas time, the sexual/
romantic part of the relationship was over. At first, I reacted poorly,
and thought "I can't even make a relationship last more than a month",
and started making negative judgments about myself. But then I realized
that I had a belief that a sexual/romantic relationship has to be long
term to be good, and that my "failure" to live up to this was causing
my depression. I immediately slid back up into the real world again.
After all, that relationship was really wonderful while it lasted, and
there is no reason why I should think it was a "bad" relationship.
It was there for a month, we enjoyed it during that time, and that's the 
way it was. The depression period lasted less than a day.
  The point of all this is that the negative articles, and the negative
feelings people have about themselves that prompt those postings,
are not caused by the things that happen to those people, but rather
by the way they choose to react to them. I think my own story here
illustrates this quite well. This isn't the first relationship I've
"lost" (another judgment slipped out there! In fact, she and I are
pretty close friends right now. Why would I want to call that a "loss"?),
but my reaction to the breakup *this* time was much more reasonable and
caused me much less pain. And no, I can't say I never get depressed any more.
I may be more aware of things like this than I used to be, but I'm
still an imperfect human being. What happens now is, when I start feeling 
depressed, I take a look at the comparison and/or judgment that I am
making that is causing my depression. More often than not, once I
see it, the depression goes away.

> I've been there MANY TIMES, and you'll be able to handle it too after you
> build for yourself a strong enough shell." 

  This is, of course, a crock. There's no such thing as a strong enough
shell. To attempt this would be to deny your own needs and desires, something 
which is sure to cause you more pain than you are trying to avoid. Right, Jeff?

> It's getting to the point that
> it doesn't seem possible to keep anything going in this day and age.
  
  All it takes to keep a relationship going is a willingness to be wrong
about some of your preconceptions, and a willingness to serve the
relationship. To use the classic example, suppose he squeezes the
toothpaste in the middle, while Ms. Neat-and-Orderly wants it to be
rolled up from the end.  Suppose she objects to this. He could react
by saying, "I don't believe it makes any difference", and want
to be right about it. She'd probably say "yes it does" and what have you got. 
Hostility, bad feelings, and a relationship almost certain to fail. On the other
hand, he could just forget about it and buy her her own tube. He could then
keep his "malformed" (in her view) tube hidden in the drawer. It is *not*
the little things like this that kill relationships, it's the way people
react to them.

> Are there in fact any people out there who are HAPPY with their lives,
> and with their relationships?

  Yes, there are. These people don't feel the need to flood the net
with articles. It's the same sort of thing that causes the headlines
to usually be bad news. "Frank and Ann got married" doesn't sell
newspapers, but "Frank kills Ann in jealous rage" does. It doesn't
mean marriages don't happen, or that murders happen more than
marriages, it just means that some things are considered "routine"
and not worthy of mention. I suspect we are looking at something like
that here as well.

--Greg
-- 
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       		        !hao!woods
   
     "...sometimes the light's all shining on me;
	 other times I can barely see..."