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From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Gary Benson)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Dave Barry - Grammar Attack
Message-ID: <495@tpvax.fluke.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 8-Jan-85 15:48:46 EST
Article-I.D.: tpvax.495
Posted: Tue Jan  8 15:48:46 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 13-Jan-85 06:59:18 EST
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Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA
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 *-  A N   U T T E R L Y   A B S U R D   L O O K   A T   G R A M M A R  -*

						        -By Dave Barry


    I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.

    What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause of
slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the United
States would have lost World War II."

    The truth is that grammar is not the most important thing in the world.
The Super Bowl is the most important thing in the world. But grammar is
still important. For example, suppose you are being interviewed for a job as
an airline pilot, and your prospective employer asks you if you have any
experience, and you answer: "Well, I ain't never flied no actual airplanes
or nothing, but I got several pilot-style hats and several friends who I
like to talk about airplanes with."

    If you answer this way, the prospective employer will immediately realize
that you have ended your sentence with a preposition. (What you should have
said, of course, is "...several friends with who I like to talk about
airplanes.") So you will not get the job, because airline pilots have to use
good grammar when they get on the intercom and explain to the passengers
that, because of high winds, the plane is going to take off several hours
late and land in Pierre, South Dakota, instead of Los Angeles.

    We did not always have grammar. In medieval England, people said whatever
they wanted, without regard to rules, and as a result they sounded like
morons. Take the poet Geoffrey Chaucer, who couldn't even spell his first
name right. He wrote a large poem called "Canterbury Tales," in which people
from various professions - knight, monk, miller, reever, riveter, eeler,
diver, stevedore, spinnaker, etc. - drone on and on like this:

	In a somer sesun whon softe was the sunne
	I kylled a younge birde ande I ate it on a bunne.

    When Chaucer's poem was published everybody read it and said: "My God we
need some grammar around here." So they formed a Grammar Commission, which
developed the parts of speech, the main ones being nouns, verbs, predicates,
conjunctures, particles, proverbs, adjoiners, coordinates and rebuttals.
Then the commission made up hundreds and hundreds of grammar rules, all of
which were strictly enforced.

    When the colonists came to America, they rebelled against British grammar.
They openly used words like "ain't" and "finalize," and when they wrote the
Declaration of Independence they deliberately misspelled many words. Thanks
to their courage, today we Americans have only two rules of grammar:

Rule 1. The word "me" is always incorrect.

    Most of us learn this rule as children, from our mothers. We say things
    like: "Mom, can Bobby and me roll the camping trailer over Mrs.
    Johnson's cat?" And our mothers say: "Remember your grammar, dear. You
    mean: 'Can Bobby and I roll the camping trailer over Mrs. Johnson's
    cat?' Of course you can, but be home by dinner-time."

    The only exception to this rule is in formal business writing, where
    instead of "I" you must use "the undersigned." For example, this
    business letter is incorrect:

    "Dear Hunky-Dory Canned Fruit Company: A couple of days ago my wife
    bought a can of your cling peaches and served them to my mother who has
    a weak heart and she damn near died when she bit into a live grub. If I
    ever find out where you live, I am gonna whomp you on the head with an
    ax handle."

    This should be corrected as follows: "...If the undersigned ever finds
    out where you live, I am gonna whomp you on the head with an ax handle."

Rule 2. You're not allowed to split infinitives.

    An infinitive is the word "to" and whatever comes right behind it, such
    as "to a tee," "to the best of my ability," "tomato," etc. Splitting an
    infinitive is putting something between the "to" and the other words.
    For example, this is incorrect:

    "Hey man, you got any, you know, spare change you could give to, like, me?"

    The correct version is:

    "...spare change you could, like, give to me?"

				*    *	  *

    The advantage of American English is that, because there are so few
rules, practically anybody can learn to speak it in just a few minutes. The
disadvantage is that Americans generally sound like jerks, whereas the
British sound really smart, especially to Americans. That's why Americans
are so fond of those British dramas they're always showing on public
television, the ones introduced by Alistair Cooke. Americans love people who
talk like Alistair Cooke. He could introduce old episodes of "Hawaii Five-O"
and Americans would think they were extremely enlightening.

    So the trick is to use American grammar, which is simple, but talk with a
British accent, which is impressive. This technique is taught to all your
really snotty private schools, where the kids learn to sound like Elliot
Richardson. Remember Elliot? He sounded extremely British, and as a result
he got to be attorney general, secretary of state, chief justice of the
Supreme Court and vice president at the same time.

    You can do it, too. Practice in your home, then approach someone on the
street and say: "Tally-ho, old chap. I would consider it a great honour if
you would favor me with some spare change." You're bound to get quick
results.

-- 
Gary Benson ms232e -*- John Fluke Mfg Co -*- Box C9090 -*- Everett WA 98206 USA
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