Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84 SMI; site sun.uucp Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!ihnp4!zehntel!dual!amdcad!decwrl!sun!sunny From: sunny@sun.uucp (Sunny Kirsten) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: what is love? Message-ID: <1919@sun.uucp> Date: Mon, 7-Jan-85 11:05:20 EST Article-I.D.: sun.1919 Posted: Mon Jan 7 11:05:20 1985 Date-Received: Wed, 9-Jan-85 05:14:27 EST References: <2139@nsc.UUCP>, <1911@sun.uucp> <383@hou2g.UUCP> Organization: Sun Microsystems, Inc. Lines: 53 > Jerome Scriptunas writes: > Sunny: > You wrote: > > Love is doing what's best for the other person even if doing > >so hurts you, or isn't the best thing for you. > > Why do you say this? I guess what I had in mind was something like this: There may come a time in a relationship when you realize that the two of you have outgrown your relationship, and that the best thing you can do for the other person is to set them free. It is probably hardest of all to admit to yourself that it would be best for the other person's interests for them to move on and find someone else more able to meet their needs. In many relationships there is mutual agreement to not grow, to put "the relationship" above the growth of the individuals involved. To have a relationship, and yet still have each of the involved individuals *remain* individuals, and to have the relationship continue to be fulfilling despite the potential growth of the individuals in different directions, is the most difficult of all, particularly when there is the potential for the growth of the individuals apart from each other to result in the obsolescence of the relationship. Many are the times I've noted that I *had* to grow through the lessons of previous relationships in order to be ready for a new relationship which formed subsequently. Had I not learned the lessons, it would not have been possible to form the newer relationship, which was more mature and healthier than the previous ones. As one who believes that there must be room in a relationship for 2.0 individuals, and that those two should be equal partners, I've found that I've continually had to take the risk that the growth of myself or of my partner might lead us to find the relationship incapable of meeting our new needs, and thus that we might have to change from SOship to "just friends", and move on to new SOs. Many have been the times when the death of a relationship led me to want to die rather than to continue on, as if the relationship was essential to my very life. Yet, in each case, the lessons I've learned from those relations have been essential to being ready to form a newer more rewarding and mature relationship. Once the mourning for the old relationship was over, I found stronger and more rewarding new relations. And it doesn't seem to matter which of the two "initiates" a break-up, it hurts both parties to go through it. Thus I have found that it takes incredible strength to be able to be continually open to the possibility of the other person growing beyond what I have to offer, and to allow that person the freedom to truly be an individual, and to make that growth. Yet, the rewards are worth it. It is too easy to avoid the above mentioned risk, by defining a relationship which has the security of permanence, at the cost of preventing the growth of the involved individuals. Thus you must put the other person's needs of individuality above your interests in maintaining the relationship, in order for both to have the freedom to be individuals. It is a risk. But the alternative is to agree that, "I'll always love you {if you remain as your are, if you remain as I want you}. Sunny -- {ucbvax,decvax,ihnp4}!sun!sunny