Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2.fluke 9/24/84; site fluke.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!sdcsvax!sdcrdcf!hplabs!tektronix!uw-beaver!ssc-vax!fluke!inc From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Gary Benson) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Dave Barry - Your New Years Eve Party Message-ID: <490@tpvax.fluke.UUCP> Date: Wed, 2-Jan-85 14:18:48 EST Article-I.D.: tpvax.490 Posted: Wed Jan 2 14:18:48 1985 Date-Received: Tue, 8-Jan-85 05:08:30 EST Distribution: net Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA Lines: 187 *- R A T I N G Y O U R N E W Y E A R ' S E V E P A R T Y -* -By Dave Barry If you threw a New Year's Eve party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today and call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party next year. What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level: Festivity Level One: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level Two: Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level Three: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level Four: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four. The best way to get to Level Three is eggnog. Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg," meaning, "egg." I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. Then induce your guests to drink this mixture. If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful, in which case they will lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it: Police: Good evening. Are you the host? You: No. Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. You: About the drugs? Police: No. You: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? Police: No, the noise. You: Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors? Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you thing you could ask the host to quiet things down? You: No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down. If you survive the party, and you're looking for something to do that won't take you too far from the bathroom this morning, you should watch the New Year's Day football bowl game parades on television. Bowl game parades offer a world of variety, mainly marching bands, floats, bands of people marching, and large motorized vehicles that are covered with flowers and driven down the street. Famous celebrities like Ed McMahon and Charo are on hand to explain how much fun everything is. Charo: Ed, this tasteful float is the creation of Pi Lambda Zeet fraternity, and its theme is "Everybody Should Be a Lot More Aware of Starvation." It has 65,000 blue carnations to represent the generous spirit of the American people, and 34,000 white carnations to illustrate the value of rice as a protein source. By the way, Ed, last spring 23 members of Pi Lambda Zeet set a world record by hacking a grand piano into raisin-sized pieces in exactly 63 seconds. Ed McMahon: That's marvelous. Were they raising money for charity? Charo: No. Ed McMahon: And here comes a marching band. Charo: Ed, these are the award winning Fighting Marmosets from El Redundo, Texas, playing either "On Wisconsin" or the theme from Star Wars. These kids raised the money to come to this year's parade all by themselves by nagging their parents incessantly. And so it goes, hour after hour, until it's time for the actual football game. Bowl games are extremely important because they decide which of the top college football teams will win the bowl games. The top teams are usually Alabama, Texas, Oklahoma, Texas A&I, Arkansas, Alabama, Oklahoma, Texas I&E, Alabama, Texas AEIO&U, Arkansas, Alabama and Penn State. The games themselves are actually fairly boring, consisting mainly of young men lunging around and risking spinal injury. So to liven things up, the camera often zooms in on attractive female cheerleaders, attractive females in the crowd and the Goodyear Blimp. The people who televise college football have some kind of obsession, obviously sexual, with the Goodyear Blimp. Anyway, here's how the bowl game telecasts go: First Announcer: Well, it's a perfect day for a football game, as you can see from this aerial shot from the Goodyear Blimp. All 650,000 seats here at Eldridge B. Spud Memorial Stadium are filled, and the fans are really excited. Second Announcer: We're expecting a whale of a football game. The obvious favorite is Southern Aeronautical, Botanical, Nautical and Orthodontical State College University; they've won 84 consecutive games, and all of last year's senior starters are back this year under wily veteran coach Bill Ray Joe Ted Parsnip. And now let's meet the starters. (The camera zooms in on an enormous person, who appears to have had his neck surgically removed. He is wearing jersey number 99.) Enormous Person: Hi. I'm the center and my name is...(he looks down at his jersey)...Sixty-Six. (The camera quickly zooms away to an attractive female cheerleader, just as a male cheerleader picks her up by her posterior.) First Announcer: Before we start today's game, we'd like to show you this brief film, which was prepared by Southern ABN&O State College University in cooperation with the National Collegiate Athletic American Association to reassure everybody that, in addition to football teams, these schools have books and classes and stuff like that. (The films opens with pictures of buildings, and an announcer is talking in the background.) "Southern ABN&O University, founded during the Korean War, is dedicated to improving the minds and bodies of young people, as you see by these actual color photographs of large stone buildings. Our students come from all races and sexes. Here, for example, is a picture of a female looking through a microscope. Last year alone, Southern ABN&O granted more than 23,000 diplomas, many of them written in actual Latin words. So we're not just a football school. Really." Then comes the actual game, for the benefit of viewers who have not fallen asleep or switched to a UHF channel to watch "The Bowery Boys Buy Municipal Bonds." -- Gary Benson ms232e -*- John Fluke Mfg Co -*- Box C9090 -*- Everett WA 98206 USA {microsoft,allegra,ssc-vax,sun,sb1}{decvax,ihnp4,tektronix!uw-beaver}!fluke!inc giventheappropriatetechnology,ifyouleftyesterdayat1200baudyoucouldbeonsaturnnow