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From: ariels@orca.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: 40/20 Club
Message-ID: <1308@orca.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 15-Jan-85 20:08:27 EST
Article-I.D.: orca.1308
Posted: Tue Jan 15 20:08:27 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 17-Jan-85 04:23:25 EST
Sender: ariels@orca.UUCP
Organization: Tektronix, Wilsonville OR
Lines: 71

Posting for Jane Caputo, who's machine is having problems...

Welcome to the club, Doug.  No, folks, Ariel isn`t 40.  She`s just
posting this for me (Jane Caputo).  I`m a year shy, but they let me in on 
probation. :-)  I`ve been separated for 3 months.

It sounds to me like you`re doing things right so far, reading to help
understand what happened, relying on your friends, and trying to broaden
your support group.  There`s a book called The 20-Year Phenomenon by
Jean Brody and Gail Osborne that you might find helpful.  The case histories
are all men who left their wives, but the underlying conditions were similar
to my situation, and probably yours too.  It`s just that more women are taking
the initiative today, mainly because more are in a position to survive without
a husband.

I guess the other things I`d suggest are:

Get some counseling.  If you can get your wife to go, so much the better.
You need to figure out what happened, so you don`t go out and do it over again.
Your insurance will pay 80% of the cost.  

Develop some people skills.  Learn something about body language.  Get in the
habit of considering the emotional content of what people say, as well as the
logical meaning.  If you really didn`t see the separation coming, you have a
long, long way to go.  It took my husband 10 years or more to figure out that I 
was getting my emotional support from other men (and longer to care) but even he
could see that I was unhappy.  

Do some different things.  No matter how happy you were before, there were
some things you gave up because you were married.  (I know, it`s difficult
to remember what those things even are.)  Don`t be afraid of making a fool
of yourself.  You can`t think much less of yourself than you already do, and
everyone else will be tolerant because they know what you`re going through. :-)

Do something to improve your appearance.  People may not even notice, but
you`ll feel better about yourself.  And they`ll notice that.  Exercise helps,
and it`s by far the best way to fight depression, too.

Don`t feel that she left you for another man.  There will always be women who
constantly go where the grass is greener (though most of us now understand  
it`s really hiding a septic tank underneath :-) ).  But a woman who`s been
faithful for 20 years doesn`t fit that description.  It`s far more likely 
that she began thinking the unthinkable, and it was simply too awful to confide
to any of her friends.  So she found an outsider who was willing to listen
and eventually fell in love with him.  It happens with analysts and clergymen
all the time.

What are your objective chances of getting her back?  If she`s spent a lifetime
doing things by herself, the two of you probably have nothing in common by now.
But if you still want the same things, you might have a chance.  Affairs
don`t usually last forever, especially not the first one after a divorce.
When you know what went wrong and you have a life set up for yourself that 
someone might enjoy sharing, try courting her again.  

In the meantime, this is your chance to learn to enjoy women without any of
the ulterior motives that we thought we had to consider the first time around.
Appropriateness (= marriageability = some idealized Hollywood rendition
of sex roles) is no longer a concern.  I think of this as a sort of return to
junior high school, when I hung around boys because, well, it was fun.

It`s a strange world out there, definitely not 1965 anymore.  From the married
couples who live in separate cities, to the roommates who don`t socialize with
each other, to the friends who sleep together while they look for their next
romance, it`s impossible to figure out who`s available.  As we say in      
net.singles, you just have to ask.  But some things don`t change.  It`s always
difficult to find a good, stable, caring man.  And the older you get, the
greater the shortage of single men.  So my best advice is to become that
sort of man, and someone will be looking for you.  I really hope it will be
your wife.  But if not, then someone else.  I`m sure of it.  Good luck.

                  Jane