Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site bonnie.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!raj From: raj@bonnie.UUCP (Raju Bopardikar) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: What now? (Depressed ramblings) Message-ID: <374@bonnie.UUCP> Date: Tue, 15-Jan-85 21:46:42 EST Article-I.D.: bonnie.374 Posted: Tue Jan 15 21:46:42 1985 Date-Received: Wed, 16-Jan-85 05:34:59 EST References: <263@boulder.UUCP> Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories, Whippany NJ Lines: 137 > Feed me ... FEED ME (<..(=..(<..(=..(<..[Please don't eat this line] > A suggestion to Jon's and Doug's out there ... I am new to the net and this is the first time I am posting to it althouhg I have been reading it for a while . I have recently have had a similar "break-up" experience, actually it was so much like the one Paul Vixie ((of the love and war fame) (part 1 of 2 of course)) had, that he could have been writing about my relationship. No matter what the actual circumstances are that lead up to a break-up situation, if it has lasted for any length of time it is very painful and as such has the potential to do much more harm. Not only in an emotional sense but also your relationships with your friends,co-workers and possibly your career. In the beginning you tend to withdraw from everybody, can't concentrate at work, don't really care about work and generally become not such a nice person to be around (in the sense that seeing your depression people will generally leave you alone either because they think you want to be left alone or because they don't want to be pulled down or get depressed .) [the guy who wrote about the up and down cycles said it much better] (sorry for not getting your name) This is even worse when your girlfriend was your best friend (as was my case too, jon). For me things were compounded by the fact that I had been away (in Atlanta) for 4 months and then was placed in a totally different location (New Jersey (a few jokes here..)) so the only person that I knew in the area was my girlfriend (she lives near the area). [ briefly ... my girlfriend and I met at college in N.Y.C, went out for a year , had a long dist. relationship the year after (she went to grad school in Albany)... lived togeather in a *small* dorm apt. shared between 3 other girls (it was a gilrs dorm and we had our own room) and two cats (my girlfriend's) during a N.Y.C summer with no air-conditioning (of course).... and incredibly SURVIVED .... that fall she left grad school and moved back to the N.Y.C area to work (she lived in New Jersey this time) (we both lived at home at this time since we couldn't get a apt.)... we saw each other almost every day since we both worked in N.Y.C ... .. year 3 (see above) ] I had just being back for about a month when everything went SPLAA. And I had the same type of reactions and moments of uncontrolled emotion (not always at the best of times) that Jon described. I found myself doing some serious self-destructive things, like drinking heavily, driving dangerously fast, etc. Needless to say everything was falling apart mostly due to neglect on my part. Then one day I got a speeding ticket (for doing about 80 in a 50 mile zone) and I realized that if kept things up this way I would only succeed in getting myself killed. So I sat down and decided to make a real effort to stop my present course\ and maybe turn myself around. This is what I did and I believe it might work for others. I realized that I was reacting out of fear of being by myself. Like Jon my circle of friends had closed down to my girlfriend and one or two others. I had not really been by myself (even when in Atlanta we used to talk almost everyday and she had visited me a couple of times) But now suddenly I was really alone with no one to really talk to. The first thing I did was read a couple of books on stress and stress management, because if anything, THIS was a stressful situation. Then I joined a local Y for exercise ... working out does wonders for relieving stress (so does crying but in a limited way). I taught myself (or was it forced) to go to restaurants by myself believe it or not this is very difficult (at least it was for me) Next came going to movies by myself. Picking up a hobby also helps. Use this oppurtunity to learn about yourself, do the things that you like to do, most importantly learn to enjoy your own company. This is not to imply that I did not try to make friends at work or wherever. Actually I made a few friends at the restaurants and bars that I went to often (yes I still do drink but not heavily). What I was trying to do was to be able to enjoy my own company so that I wasn't feeling misirable and sorry for myself all the time when I was by myself (especially on the weekends). It's not easy and its taken me a little over 4 months to get to a point where I can write about it. But the trick is to accept the situation, recognize that it has the potential to turn into a dangerous situation for you and make a real effort to control it and learn from it. I think one of the main reasons we feel like our whole world has just been blown apart is that we had gotten too used to having some around and never being really alone. Once we find that we can stand by ourselves than it takes a lot of pressure off of our friends. This is particularly dangerous, there is a great temptation to go out and GET another girlfriend or try to go to bars and pickup some one up, etc. But these REBOUND relationships or friendships never last very long ( two weeks in my case) because we are not forming these new friendships because we WANT to but because we NEED to. And if you do anything because you NEED to at this time (i.e drink,new girlfriend,etc) then you are just headed for more trouble. Thats why it is important to learn to be by yourself (there is a lot that I have learned about myself that I don't think I would have otherwise). Then you can do things because you WANT to and NOT because you NEED to. Of course some pain will always linger on and there will be times when you will feel so lonly that you won't be able to stand it. Thats usually when I head for a bar (to be among some people that I know like the bartender and Mr. Molson). But these times come further and further apart. Eventually, about a month from now I'll call my girlfriend and see if she is interested in becoming friends as by that time I'll be able to be a friend and hopefully so will she. Sorry for the length of this letter but somehow once the flood gates are opened it's hard to close them again. One last thing, I think that this net has helped me a lot, by allowing me to see that I was not the only one with a broken heart or whatever. with warm affection , --- raj ..clyde!bonnie!raj (the answer to "what is love ?" is "what was love")