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From: woods@hao.UUCP (Greg Woods)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: What now?  (Depressed ramblings)
Message-ID: <1328@hao.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 11-Jan-85 16:01:36 EST
Article-I.D.: hao.1328
Posted: Fri Jan 11 16:01:36 1985
Date-Received: Mon, 14-Jan-85 00:41:49 EST
References: <263@boulder.UUCP>
Organization: High Altitude Obs./NCAR, Boulder CO
Lines: 109


  Jon: I was going to mail this to you, but it has relevance to several people
I can think of in this group. I hope you don't mind my posting it instead.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  I think the first thing you have to do is accept the fact that she is gone.
I know that is easier said than done, but it is essential. The reason you are
depressed is because you are comparing the world as it is to the way you
*wish* it were. This accomplishes nothing, and burns up a lot of your energy
that could be used to improve your life. I'm not trying to make a judgment
here; I'm not saying that what you are doing is good or bad, just calling
it as I see it. Lord knows I've spent more time than I care to in that space
myself. But I can see now that I was doing it to myself, just as you are now
doing it to *your*self.
  You must realize several things. (Gee, I feel strange telling someone else
the way it is, when up til a few months ago I was one of the most confused
people I knew!) First off, you have a lot of beliefs about why she did what
she did, and you are determined to be right. This is blinding you. Secondly,
this woman clearly loved you a lot. Why would you think that no one else would?
Thirdly, just because it didn't work out with *this* woman doesn't mean
it couldn't work with someone else. Let me show you what I mean by analyzing
some quotes from your article. BTW I admire your courage and honesty in telling
this story to the whole net. How come I never met or heard about this lady
before?

>  of things, like "I don't want to commit myself to sleeping with one person"
>  and other sayings that women have always told me when they mean that they
>  are not interested.

   Why would you interpret that statement to mean she's not interested? Sounds
like that's what you *want* to have it mean, so you can be right about some
belief you have (like maybe the same one that I had, that you aren't attractive
to women?) I can see several other possible interpretations. First off, maybe
she meant exactly what she said! Just from a 90-line article, I can see that
*you* want that kind of commitment. I'm sure that after three years of being
as close as you were, *she* can see it too. Again, that's not a judgment, just 
a statement. It's not good or bad, but you do have to be honest about what it 
is that you want. Perhaps she saw that the two of you were not in alignment on
the relationship, by which I mean that you wanted different things from it.
Relationships that are not in alignment eventually "fail", by which I mean
that one or the other party decides that the relationship is no longer meeting
their needs. A second possibility is that maybe she's just plain scared of that
type of commitment, and rather than face her fear, she's running away. I don't
have enough information to determine which of these it is (or even if some 
other interpretation is possible), but I can tell you one thing for sure: you
are invalidating evidence so that you can be right about your belief. A woman
doesn't hang around for three years if she isn't interested, you can bet on
that!

>  Damn it, I don't understand.  

   Stop trying to understand. You are wasting your energy. Just accept things
the way they are. Eventually, you are going to have to. Resisting the way
things are doesn't work. You may as well accept it *now* and get on with
your life. If this woman found you desireable, there will be others.
  I don't want to seem unfeeling here. I too often waste energy trying to 
understand things that simply are. That's the bottom line. It really doesn't
matter whether you understand it or not, that's just the way it is.

>  So here I am.  My best friend is gone, and I have nobody to talk to.  My
>  self esteem is crushed; I can't see any woman being interested in me now,
>  if Becky isn't after all the love and good times we shared.  

    As for the first part, I guarantee that isn't true. I am here for you and
I will support you in any way I can. I'm sure Forrest (a mutual friend, for 
those of you out there in netland) feels the same way, and
I'll bet if you take off your blinders and look, there are plenty of others.
About the self-esteem part: consider that maybe *she* is the one who is messed
up, not you. It was *her* decision to leave, wasn't it? Sounds pretty stupid
to me, considering what you had. As for women not being interested in you, I 
suggest you give up that belief. You can be right or you can be happy, take
your pick. Personally, I'd rather be wrong and be happy. Evaluate each woman
you meet on an individual basis. Don't start by assuming she isn't interested,
or worse, by wanting to *prove* she isn't interested (I'm real good at that
one!)

> I have no social life left to speak of.  

   Then start one! I'd be glad to meet you at Old Chicago for a beer one
night next week. I know I'm not Becky, I'm not even a woman, but you have to 
start *somewhere*!

>  I am seriously wondering why I should
>  even continue to try to make something out of life, now that the most
>  valuable part of it has left.

   Well, that's bullshit. *You* are the most valuable part of your life. You
and the ability *you* have to touch the lives of others. I personally find
your company quite enjoyable. If a relationship with a woman is what makes
you happy, then work on starting a new one! You did it once, you can do it
again.

>  So here I am babbling out my situation to hundreds of strangers, and a
>  few semi-strangers (hi, Greg!).  I don't know what sort of response I
>  expect, if any.  I just need to talk and there is nobody to talk to.

  I don't know what kind of a reponse you will get either, but I can tell you
this much: sharing yourself with people as you have done is a good way to
turn strangers into friends, as long as you don't blind yourself to the love
and caring when it comes back to you (HEAR THAT, JEFF?)

Love to all,
--Greg
-- 
{ucbvax!hplabs | allegra!nbires | decvax!stcvax | harpo!seismo | ihnp4!stcvax}
       		        !hao!woods
   
     "...once in a while you can get shown the light
         in the strangest of places if you look at it right..."