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From: mmf@sdchema.UUCP (Marsha Fanshier)
Newsgroups: net.women
Subject: Men and Parenting
Message-ID: <314@sdchema.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 21-Dec-84 16:07:29 EST
Article-I.D.: sdchema.314
Posted: Fri Dec 21 16:07:29 1984
Date-Received: Sun, 23-Dec-84 01:46:52 EST
Organization: U.C. San Diego Chemistry Dept
Lines: 76



With a new year approaching I'd like to ask some questions of the male readers
of net.women.  I assume you read this group because you are interested in
the many facets of the female life.  I have also noted that the men who
contribute to this group have endless observations to make and opinions to
state on the barriers to equality that women face.  This is in net.women,
for one reason, because there is no net.men and because it is my opinion
that this subject relates very strongly to the issue of equality for
women.

I am interested in hearing from fathers and fathers-to-be regarding their
feelings toward their responsibility to their jobs and careers and also
their responsibility towards their children.  What are the conflicts you
encounter when facing these responsibilities?  Specifically,
what sacrifices have you made in your career in order to be a more
responsible and attentive parent?

Just about every young woman I know has spent countless hours of her life
trying to reconcile these conflicting responsibilities.   Should she work
towards strengthing those qualities that will make her a good mother or
those qualities that will make her better at her job?   After the baby
is born should she continue to work full-time, part-time, not at all?   If
you have children and a mate who was/is working you should be familiar
with the conflict she went through.

The question here is, did you ever consider working part-time or
quitting entirely in order to raise your children?   If you have never
seriously considered this possibility I'd like to ask that you
do so at this time.   What would it involve?   How would
you like to walk up to your manager and tell him that you are committed
to the best upbringing that you can possibly provide for your children and
that you have decided that they need the time and attention that only you
can give them, therefore you would like to cut your working hours.   What is 
this going to do to your career?   What about your present earning power and
the goals you have been working towards?

I've heard a lot from the men I know lately about how women need to learn
a lot about being in the working world.   The most common theme I hear is
that women are insecure.   I've got a news flash for you guys.   Most of
the women you know were raised to be nurturers.   The qualities that have
been reinforced in them are very different from the qualities that have
been reinforced in you.   I don't think it is very surprising that many
of them feel insecure venturing out into waters they have never before
navigated.   These women are taking new and difficult steps and a lot of
them are falling on their faces.  These same women get back up again and
fall again.  In my book that takes a *lot* of courage.  Are you ready
to match these women in courage?

If you have not made any sacrifices in your career for your children,
why not?  Is the project you are working on for your company more
important than the child you created?   What about the woman in your life?
Would it not ease some of the pressures on her if you were willing to
accept an equal share in the responsibility of parenting?   What is her
responsibility to the family income?   What goals and dreams has she
put on hold in order to be an attentive and responsible parent?   Are you
willing to match her?

To the fathers to be:   Let's say that your wife has plans to take six
months off after the baby is born to care for the child.  Why don't you
take the second six months off?  That way you would be on a more equal
level with her when it comes to the sacrifices she is making and you
would have an equal opportunity to take an active role in that important
first year of your child's life.   You would know the same risks and the
same joys.  Are you willing to match her?  Do you have the courage?

Sure there are still a lot of barriers to equality for women.  I believe
that one of the largest barriers is that men are not yet willing to
assume their fair share of the parenting responsibilities.   How 'bout
giving it some thought for the new year.

Happy Holidays,

Marsha Fanshier
UCSD
Dept. of Chemistry