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From: dickau@tools.DEC (Martin Dickau)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Beliefs and What Works in Relationships
Message-ID: <261@decwrl.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 14-Dec-84 02:55:01 EST
Article-I.D.: decwrl.261
Posted: Fri Dec 14 02:55:01 1984
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As an "enlightened" Christian, I figured I would express a few thoughts on
what works in a relationship.

One note before I start rambling: In keeping with the recent theme, I'm only
(well, we'll see) going to talk about religion in relationships.

I find a successful relationship involves what I call "comfort" for lack of
a better term. This comfort involves not having to be at all concerned about
what your partner thinks of you or what you do -- you are accepted exactly
the way you are, and there is no attempt at changing you. This is not to say
that you should not change...

As I said before, I don't see anything inherently wrong in a relationship
where the two people involved are of different religions. There would be a
problem for me if my partner were trying to "convert" me either from my own
religion (as an agnostic might try to do) or to another (Jehovah's Witnesses
comes to mind). I wouldn't feel threatened by this conversion attempt, but it
would violate the sense of comfort I would be looking for.

Fortunately, I don't feel the need to convert anyone. I am content to let 
people believe what they want to believe. As part of my Christian faith, I
espouse of one of Christ's great commands ("Go therefore and make disciples
of all nations..."). For me, this means I do my best to make sure that the 
people I associate with are aware of Christ's teachings, and the basic tenets
of the Christian faith. After that, the decision is theirs, and I am quite
content to leave it at that.

I am afraid I don't quite understand Chuck's point about centralized and
decentralized faith and the belief in God vs. a back-to-earth type of faith
and what that has to do with a relationship. I disagree with the idea of a
"dominant" God, as well. Yes, I believe in God, and yes, I believe in God's
power, but I also believe that we are all left to make our own choices and to
live with the consequences of them. I suspect that the reason Chuck sees so
many successful relationships, even between Christians, is that in order to
achieve the "comfort" I was talking about, you have to understand the other
person. Heinlein's "grok" is a good way to describe that understanding. I
guess "resonating" is another. If you cannot feel your partner's responses
to you, then I think you could not be sure of the affects of your actions
and so you would worry. After all, you cannot "know" how someone will react
without learning about that person first.

In addition, I think I should point out that the Christian faith does not
teach any kind of removal from other people, but rather it encourages the
kind of closeness and understanding necessary for a relationship to work.
I point you here to another command: "Do unto others as you would have them
do unto you." Rather than a sense of aloneness and self-reliance, my faith
gives me a sense of being in a broad relationship with all people, and of
realizing that I have much to share with others, and they have much to share
with me.

And a successful relationship is one giant mutual sharing.

Martin

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