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From: gm@trsvax.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Holiday Parties
Message-ID: <53100080@trsvax.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 18-Dec-84 13:07:00 EST
Article-I.D.: trsvax.53100080
Posted: Tue Dec 18 13:07:00 1984
Date-Received: Fri, 21-Dec-84 01:59:12 EST
Lines: 98
Nf-ID: #N:trsvax:53100080:000:4008
Nf-From: trsvax!gm    Dec 18 12:07:00 1984

This article appeared on the net last year after  New  Year.   It
originally  appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer, but the author
in unknown. Since there are a lot of new people on the net, I de-
cided to post this again.
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If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can  do
would be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up to-
day, and call you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll  be  be
expected to throw another party next year.

What you should do is throw the kind of party  where  your  guest
wake  up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out
if they've been indicted for anything.  You want your guests   to
be  so  anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they im-
mediately start planning parties of their own, a   year   in  ad-
vance, just to prevent you from having another one.

Festivity level One.

Your guests are chatting amiably with each other,  admiring  your
Christmas-tree  ornaments,  singing carols around the upright pi-
ano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity level Two.

Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes  to  each  other,  and
sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree orna-
ments, singing " I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping
their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity level Three.

Your guests are arguing violently - with inanimate objects, sing-
ing  "  I  can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples
drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments  and  placing  hors
d'oeuvres  in the upright piano to see what happens when the lit-
tle hammers strike.

Festivity level Four.

Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their  naked  bodies
are  performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree.
The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level Three,  unless
you  rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to
level Four.  The best way to get to level Three is egg-nog.

Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented  by  the  English.
Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first
syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning  ''egg''.   I
don't know where the "nog" comes from.

To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and,  if  they
are in season, eggs.  Combine all ingrediants in a large, festive
bowl.  Then induce your guests to drink this mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your  door,
unless  your party is very successful in which case they will lob
tear gas through your living room window.  As host, your  job  is
to  make sure that they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead
set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't  you.
The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their un-
iforms and assure them that you aren't  doing  anything  illegal.
Here's how to handle it.

Police - Good evening, are you the host?

You - No.

Police - We've been getting complaints about this party.

You - About the drugs?

Police - No.

You - About the guns, then?  Is somebody  complaining  about  the
guns?

Police - No, the noise.

You - Oh, the noise.  Well that makes sense because there are  no
guns  or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the back-
ground.) Or fireworks.  Whose complaining about the  noise?   The
neighbors?

Police - No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago.   Most  of  the
recent  complaints  have  come from Pittsburgh.  Do you think you
could ask the host to quiet things down?

You - No Problem. ( At this point, a Volkswagon bug  with  primi-
tive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the  lawn,
where  it  smashes into a tree.  Eight guests tumble out onto the
grass, moaning.)  See?  Things are starting to wind down.
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