Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Path: utzoo!nonh From: nonh@utzoo.UUCP (Chris Robertson) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Comments for Jeff Message-ID: <4849@utzoo.UUCP> Date: Sun, 30-Dec-84 01:04:18 EST Article-I.D.: utzoo.4849 Posted: Sun Dec 30 01:04:18 1984 Date-Received: Sun, 30-Dec-84 01:04:18 EST Organization: U of Toronto Zoology Lines: 56 Jeff writes: >... I'm likely to mess up relationships. I did, >royally, this fall; though that was partially because I was not fully honest >in the earlier stages, because I did not at all want the woman to have to >experience rejection -- since she would hurt, and also since she would proceed >to reject me; so when I finally was honest and indicated that I really did not >want to be involved, I hurt her a lot worse than I should have. I probably >could not have done a better job of hurting her if I'd deliberately set out >to do so. How can I accept a self that does things like that? You are not alone in doing this sort of thing, Jeff -- fear of hurting someone keeps many people doing/saying things they really don't mean in a relationship (and I don't mean trivial stuff like letting your SO think you just love her/his collection of polished fribbits, when you think they're ridiculous...). But there's good news -- as you gain more experience, you stop doing this sort of thing. You learn to evaluate situations for potentially hurtful things, and are able to make judgements about what's going to hurt more -- honesty now, or painful disillusionment later. You also learn how to phrase these things without being horribly embarrassed about it, so that "I'd prefer not to get too involved right now" or its equivalent doesn't have to find its way around the foot in your mouth. Consider your own experience in this -- you now know that you should indicate non-interest *soon* if you yourself are sure. You are making progress. In a different article, Jeff writes about a bunch of people with whom he has very little in common: >... Until I can be truly >warm and loving and accepting to such people, with whom by nature I have no >desire to associate, I am not being the loving person I am supposed to be, >and thus I am a first-class failure at being a Christian, which is the >central thing in my life. It's been quite a while since I read the relevant bits of the Bible, Jeff, but I don't recall Jesus saying you have to love people *en masse*! Jesus said you ought to love your *neighbour* -- I always interpreted that as *individual people*. If I recall correctly, He found crowds of folks clamouring at him noticeably unlikeable ("Heal yourselves!"). The point I'm trying to make is that it's no good damning yourself because you can't do the impossible. Why don't you consider instead whether you could contemplate reacting to one of these guys *as an individual* in a warm and accepting manner? You also seem to be casting them as stereotypes (AAACCCKKKK!!!! not stereotypes again!) -- and how lovable are most of *those*? Don't stack the deck against yourself! So quit using a very ordinary human reaction to beat yourself over the head with, and concentrate on *real* problems! Such as *not* hanging on grimly to your rotten self-image at all costs, because it's the only one you have -- whip up your courage, man, and discard it. --chris