Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site utcsrgv.UUCP Path: utzoo!utcsrgv!ray From: ray@utcsrgv.UUCP (Raymond Allen) Newsgroups: net.singles,net.social Subject: Re: friendships with SO's Message-ID: <597@utcsrgv.UUCP> Date: Mon, 17-Dec-84 15:48:32 EST Article-I.D.: utcsrgv.597 Posted: Mon Dec 17 15:48:32 1984 Date-Received: Mon, 17-Dec-84 16:34:39 EST References: <344@hercules.UUCP> <608@rayssd.UUCP> <2551@sdcc3.UUCP> Organization: CSRI, University of Toronto Lines: 66 From sdcc3!fritzz: > Is it really possible to break > off a relationship like that without remebering all the wonderful things > that happened between two people? Or is it that I'm expecting people to > develop something deeper than a mere physical attraction when they start > "going out"? > Obviously it's possible to continue a relationship after a relationship. > What I'd like to know is why it is so rare, and why people don't try to > do it more often. It certainly is possible. I broke up an engagement with a woman about 2 years ago. We have remained close friends to this day. The vital difference between this relationship and those I've had with other women was that both of us had a friendship that extended far beyond the romantic and sexual. Even though we had to face the fact that we couldn't get married (at least for the time being) we both agreed that the time we had spent together (and could continue to spend together) was just too valuable to throw away in a fit of emotional pique. In my opinion, this experience (and the googol of more or less successful experiences which I have heard about) underlines what has got to be the most frustrating dilemma that occurs between individuals. The issue of "friends" vs. "more than friends". EVERYONE has had the experience of being attracted to someone (romantically, that is) and being told that "we're just friends" or "I don't feel that way about you". What can be done about this? Hell, I don't know, but I'll toss some personal observations and inferences onto the net traffic just for fun: I seem to observe that there is a significant difference between what people desire, expect from, etc. from their friends and from their SO's (isn't that brilliant? :-) ). It is my conjecture, however, that these criteria are sometimes defective or ill-chosen ESPECIALLY in the case of the SO. It has always been my personal belief that a solid friendship is an absolute necessity as a basis for any romantic relationship. Now I'm sure that my terminal is going to rock with responses claiming, in effect: "Of course I know that! I am always close friends with my SO." OK, but my suggestion is that wheras people always claim that such is the case, they do not actually put such opinions into action as effectively as they might. I can't really speak for anyone on the net, but much personal experience with myself and my friends has suggested that many people have a real double standard for friends and SO's. By far the worst thing people do is to decide that a person is a candidate for romantic affection on the basis of a "tingle" or some other type of transient emotional reaction. This is REALLY DUMB. Would you choose all your friends this way? I doubt it. People tend to take too emotional an approach towards choosing a SO. They refuse to look at a situation rationally and try to understand what are the dynamics between themselves and their SO. I personally feel that if you cannot satisfy yourself that you could become close, lasting friends with this individual then you are courting disaster by trying to turn them into a romantic object. Why? Because during the times when your gonads are in remission, when all the hype and emotional highs are lows, you're going to need all the trust and faith you can muster between the two of you in order to have your relationship survive. Such stuff is also the main ingredient in any solid friendship. I've rambled on enough. If anyone reacts to this I'll be glad to discuss this subject more. Let the jousting begin: Ray Allen utcsrgv!ray