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Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!decwrl!dec-rhea!dec-comet!timpson
From: timpson@comet.DEC
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: I don't get any respect
Message-ID: <57@decwrl.UUCP>
Date: Sun, 23-Dec-84 21:44:52 EST
Article-I.D.: decwrl.57
Posted: Sun Dec 23 21:44:52 1984
Date-Received: Thu, 27-Dec-84 04:39:23 EST
Sender: daemon@decwrl.UUCP
Organization: DEC Engineering Network
Lines: 166

From:	MARIAH::MOZEY        "Dave Mozey DTN 522-3236"    2-NOV-1984 12:54  
To:	COMET::TIMPSON
Subj:	ENJOY

From:	BISON::TEDONE       "Matt Tedone  DTN 522-2254"  6-JAN-1984 15:28
To:	NERMAL::RUBKE,MARIAH::MOZEY
Subj:	exit

From:	VAGIAS          6-JAN-1984 13:36  
To:	TEDONE



From:	POPEYE::VAGIAS "Jim Vagias"    6-JAN-1984 13:33  
To:	BISON::VAGIAS
Subj:	FWD: Enclosed file POPEYE::[30,4]RESPECT.NO From: VANDERWAALL

From: VANDERWAALL "Jerry Vanderwaall"	Date: 06-Jan-84 01:21 PM
To: VAGIAS
Subject: Enclosed file POPEYE::[30,4]RESPECT.NO




Rodney Dangerfield 

What a crowd!



ROUGH DAY:

  - I tell ya, what a day I had today.  When I got up I looked in the mirror,
    my reflection threw-up.

  - I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right.   When I put on my shirt
    the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
    I tell ya I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

BAR(NO RESPECT):
   
  - I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, 
    "What'll you have bud"?  I said," I don't know, surprise me".  So he showed
    me a nude picture of my wife.
 	
  - I tell ya I don't get no respect.   I met a girl at a bar.  She said, 
    "Come on over to my place.  There's  nobody home."  
    So I went over -- nobody was home.

WIFE:

  - My wife and I only smoke after sex.  I've had the same pack since 1967.
    She's up to three packs a day.

  - My wife likes to scream when she has sex -- especially when I walk in on
    them.

  - My wife is a real beauty, she cut done our sex to once a month.
    That's not too bad, I know guys she cut out completely.

  - My wife loves to talk after sex, last night she called me from a hotel.

SON:

  - My boy is mean kid.  I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
    to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.

  - Well only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt
    with a bulls-eye on the back.

DAUGHTER(KIDS):

  - People call my daughter "Federal Express".  When she goes over to a guy's
    place, she absolutely, positively, has to be there overnight!

  - Her high school yearbook picture was the only one that was horizontal.

  - She got pregnant and I said ,"How?".  She said, "Well we were eating
    chicken and it was finger linking good and one good thing led to another."

  - I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."  One of them 
    said, "So will you."

TOUGH LIFE:

  - I tell ya, I had a rough life.  When I was born the doctor slapped my
    mother.  He said, "We did everything we could, but he still survived."

  - When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.

  - When I was raised my father used to breast feed me.

  - Growing up was tough.  My parents kept trying to run away from home.

  - I tell ya I was an ugly kid.  I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's
    picture that came with the wallet he bought.

  - My dad wasn't too bright.  He got fired from a bank for stealing pens.
 
  - We were poor when I was growing up.  I tell ya it was worst during 
    Christmas, we didn't tinsle on the tree until Grandpa sneezed.

DENTIST:

  - I went to my dentist the other day and said, "Doc you gotta help me my 
    teeth are all turning yellow".  He said, "Did you try wearing a brown tie."

DOCTOR(SHRINK):

  - My shrinks no help.  I went into his office and he told me to lie down on 
    the couch,  face down.

  - I told him when I look in the mirror I want to throw-up.  What's wrong with
    me.  He said "I don't know but your eye-sight is perfect."

  - He told me I was crazy, I said if you don't mind doc, I'ld like a second 
    opinion.  He said, "Well your ugly too."

  - I called him up the other night and said, "Doc you got to help me I just
    swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills". He told me to have a few drinks, 
    get some rest and not to worry about it.

LUCK:

  - I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me.  Last week I went to
    the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

  _ Well just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
    fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table.
    I said, "Hey buddy, I got your check", he said, "thanks".

NIGHTLIFE: 

  - I went to a wild party last night.  I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
    a new version of Russian roulette.  We passed around six girls and one
    of them had V.D..

DRUGS:

  - I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me.  The first time I tried smoking
    pot I didn't know what I was doing.  I smoked half the joint, got the 
    munchies, and ate the other half.

  - Well the first time I tried coke I was so embarressed.  I kept getting the 
    bottle stuck up my nose.

UGLY GIRLS:

  - I tell ya, I've gone out with some real beauts in my time.  My last girl
    friend was an ugly girl.  
    She was so ugly:
		- that when she was a kid, her parents had to tie a sausage 
         	  around her neck just so the dog would play with her.
  		- that she had little rings around her neck from guys touching
		  her with ten foot poles.
		- that we called her a two-bagger.  You put a bag over your
		  head just in case the bag over her head breaks.
		- that "peeping Toms" boo at her.
		- you looked up the word ugly in the dictionary and her 
		  picture's there.

DUMB GIRLS:

  - This girl I'm seeing know is dumb.  I tell ya she's so dumb, that it takes
    her an hour and a half just to watch "60 MINUTES".