Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site decwrl.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!decwrl!dec-rhea!dec-comet!timpson From: timpson@comet.DEC Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: I don't get any respect Message-ID: <57@decwrl.UUCP> Date: Sun, 23-Dec-84 21:44:52 EST Article-I.D.: decwrl.57 Posted: Sun Dec 23 21:44:52 1984 Date-Received: Thu, 27-Dec-84 04:39:23 EST Sender: daemon@decwrl.UUCP Organization: DEC Engineering Network Lines: 166 From: MARIAH::MOZEY "Dave Mozey DTN 522-3236" 2-NOV-1984 12:54 To: COMET::TIMPSON Subj: ENJOY From: BISON::TEDONE "Matt Tedone DTN 522-2254" 6-JAN-1984 15:28 To: NERMAL::RUBKE,MARIAH::MOZEY Subj: exit From: VAGIAS 6-JAN-1984 13:36 To: TEDONE From: POPEYE::VAGIAS "Jim Vagias" 6-JAN-1984 13:33 To: BISON::VAGIAS Subj: FWD: Enclosed file POPEYE::[30,4]RESPECT.NO From: VANDERWAALL From: VANDERWAALL "Jerry Vanderwaall" Date: 06-Jan-84 01:21 PM To: VAGIAS Subject: Enclosed file POPEYE::[30,4]RESPECT.NO Rodney Dangerfield What a crowd! ROUGH DAY: - I tell ya, what a day I had today. When I got up I looked in the mirror, my reflection threw-up. - I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya I was afraid to go to the bathroom. BAR(NO RESPECT): - I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. - I tell ya I don't get no respect. I met a girl at a bar. She said, "Come on over to my place. There's nobody home." So I went over -- nobody was home. WIFE: - My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967. She's up to three packs a day. - My wife likes to scream when she has sex -- especially when I walk in on them. - My wife is a real beauty, she cut done our sex to once a month. That's not too bad, I know guys she cut out completely. - My wife loves to talk after sex, last night she called me from a hotel. SON: - My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. - Well only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. DAUGHTER(KIDS): - People call my daughter "Federal Express". When she goes over to a guy's place, she absolutely, positively, has to be there overnight! - Her high school yearbook picture was the only one that was horizontal. - She got pregnant and I said ,"How?". She said, "Well we were eating chicken and it was finger linking good and one good thing led to another." - I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." TOUGH LIFE: - I tell ya, I had a rough life. When I was born the doctor slapped my mother. He said, "We did everything we could, but he still survived." - When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends. - When I was raised my father used to breast feed me. - Growing up was tough. My parents kept trying to run away from home. - I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought. - My dad wasn't too bright. He got fired from a bank for stealing pens. - We were poor when I was growing up. I tell ya it was worst during Christmas, we didn't tinsle on the tree until Grandpa sneezed. DENTIST: - I went to my dentist the other day and said, "Doc you gotta help me my teeth are all turning yellow". He said, "Did you try wearing a brown tie." DOCTOR(SHRINK): - My shrinks no help. I went into his office and he told me to lie down on the couch, face down. - I told him when I look in the mirror I want to throw-up. What's wrong with me. He said "I don't know but your eye-sight is perfect." - He told me I was crazy, I said if you don't mind doc, I'ld like a second opinion. He said, "Well your ugly too." - I called him up the other night and said, "Doc you got to help me I just swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills". He told me to have a few drinks, get some rest and not to worry about it. LUCK: - I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun. _ Well just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, "Hey buddy, I got your check", he said, "thanks". NIGHTLIFE: - I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had V.D.. DRUGS: - I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the munchies, and ate the other half. - Well the first time I tried coke I was so embarressed. I kept getting the bottle stuck up my nose. UGLY GIRLS: - I tell ya, I've gone out with some real beauts in my time. My last girl friend was an ugly girl. She was so ugly: - that when she was a kid, her parents had to tie a sausage around her neck just so the dog would play with her. - that she had little rings around her neck from guys touching her with ten foot poles. - that we called her a two-bagger. You put a bag over your head just in case the bag over her head breaks. - that "peeping Toms" boo at her. - you looked up the word ugly in the dictionary and her picture's there. DUMB GIRLS: - This girl I'm seeing know is dumb. I tell ya she's so dumb, that it takes her an hour and a half just to watch "60 MINUTES".