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Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!cbosgd!ihnp4!bbncca!sdyer
From: sdyer@bbncca.ARPA (Steve Dyer)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Signals (digression)
Message-ID: <1229@bbncca.ARPA>
Date: Sun, 23-Dec-84 14:30:37 EST
Article-I.D.: bbncca.1229
Posted: Sun Dec 23 14:30:37 1984
Date-Received: Mon, 24-Dec-84 03:21:24 EST
References: <1555@pucc-h>, <1882@sun.uucp> <1591@pucc-h> <241@stat-l>
Organization: Bolt, Beranek and Newman, Cambridge, Ma.
Lines: 65

>> When in doubt, ASK!  There is NO substitute for openness and honesty.
>> If you give these, and presume the same, you won't be wrong.

> From: aeq@pucc-h (Jeff Sargent)
>
> Just hurt.

Gaak! Jeff, my comments should be construed as being entirely constructive,
so please don't take them the wrong way, but sometimes strong language is
necessary.

Who gave you the corner on being "hurt" or feeling inadequate?  How are
you so special?  What supreme arrogance you display as you trumpet your
supposed inadequacies before this readership.  Surely no one else could
even approach the depths of depravity that you experience daily.  Bah!

Listen, Jeff, your feelings are nothing special.  All of us deal with the
same issues every day, just a part of being human.  The difference is
simply that we don't let them get in the way with our day-to-day lives.
Methinks you've too much time on your hands, you direct it towards
ruminations about yourself, and don't use the opportunity to balance your
impressions against your everyday experience with other people.

I know a lot of people are going to charge me with being a two-bit shrink
but I like to give advise when I think it fits and when it probably won't
do any harm.  You're not yet a fully social being, you don't feel in touch
with others' signals, you don't yet have all the rules down pat.  And you
use this sense of awkwardness which you derive from day-to-day life to
reinforce your own distorted self-image.  Trouble is, you have falsely
identified this self-image as your Self, and every mistake real or imagined
you make is an opportunity to further denigrate your Self, thus contributing
to the "reality" of your self-image.

I *really* think that one way to get out of this cycle is to simply get
more experience with social interactions.  And I'm going to repeat a
suggestion I made a long time ago: group therapy.  This affords a safe
arena where you can get feedback from others on your presentation to the
world, and also contribute towards others' efforts too.  Think of it as
a laboratory where you get evidence about yourself and can experiment with
ways of dealing with people.

You mention that you are seeing an individual therapist, and that's great,
but it doesn't always focus on the problem at hand--how to deal with
everyone you meet in a day.  My own feeling is that anyone can spend years
with all the drek that they accumulate internally, but it won't have
fast (if any) results.

In some sense, you are already trying to use net.singles as a kind of group
therapy session, and it can have only limited success.  First, the level of
impersonality and remoteness in electronic communication is too great: a
screen is cold and bright, and there is little emotional resonance in
anyone's phrases.  If comments get too rough, one can always type the 'n'
key.  Unfortunately, Real Life doesn't come with an 'n' key.  Second,
the feedback loop is much too large--days and weeks can pass before getting
an appropriate response.

It might be worth considering a "real-time" group therapy session in
addition to your current therapy.  If you don't agree, fine, just don't
respond here with excuses like "Purdue is a dump which doesn't have any
resources"--I refuse to believe that a university like Purdue does not
provide any suitable mental-health services.
-- 
/Steve Dyer
{decvax,linus,ima,ihnp4}!bbncca!sdyer
sdyer@bbncca.ARPA