Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2.fluke 9/24/84; site fluke.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!tektronix!uw-beaver!ssc-vax!fluke!inc From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Gary Benson) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Dave Barry - Simple, Homespun Gifts Message-ID: <484@tpvax.fluke.UUCP> Date: Mon, 17-Dec-84 13:08:21 EST Article-I.D.: tpvax.484 Posted: Mon Dec 17 13:08:21 1984 Date-Received: Sat, 29-Dec-84 22:28:23 EST Distribution: net Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA Lines: 93 SIMPLE, HOMESPUN GIFTS The kind everybody talks about but nobody wants to get -By Dave Barry [The Boston Globe, Dec. 22, 1983] We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly. No, wait -- this is going to be cheerful. This is going to be about how to have an old-fashioned Christmas, like back in the old days, when people gathered around the open hearth and sang carols and coughed alot, inasmuch as the old open hearth produced very little heat. In those days, people exchanged simple, humble, homemade gifts, such as molasses. Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your children open their old-fashioned presents. Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" Your son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, and I get this cretin TOP?" Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" Your daughter: "It looks like goat barf." There's no reason why you can't extend this old-fashioned notion of giving cheap, homespun things to everybody on your Christmas list, except your boss and anybody else in a position to retaliate. Here are some ideas for extremely traditional, old-fashioned gifts that you can make yourself: o Pine cones with red and green sequins pasted on them. Actually, you don't have to use pine cones. At Christmastime, you can paste red and green sequins on anything -- rocks, celery, old toasters, wadded-up Kleenex -- and claim it's a decorative gift item. o Fruitcake. You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses. o Yarn knotted together with great effort. People are always impressed when they get a wad of yarn all knotted together because they know that, rather than go out and spend money, you took the time to knot some yarn together. If your wad is 8 inches in diameter or less, you should say it is a potholder, a tea cozy, an antimacassar, a tea holder, a book warmer, a pot cozy, or a doily. If it is any larger, claim it's a comforter. So there you have three easy, traditional homespun Christmas gifts that cost almost nothing yet are virtually worthless. The folks on your gift list are bound to be impressed and will no doubt show their appreciation next year by sending you something equally thoughtful, such as a really long newsletter droning on and on about how well their children are doing in graduate school. (Ed. note: An antimacassar is a protective covering for the backs of chairs and sofas, for them what don't know [as I didn't].) -- Gary Benson ms232e -*- John Fluke Mfg Co -*- Box C9090 -*- Everett WA 98206 USA {microsoft,allegra,ssc-vax,sun,sb1}{decvax,ihnp4,tektronix!uw-beaver}!fluke!inc giventheappropriatetechnology,ifyouleftyesterdayat1200baudyoucouldbeonsaturnnow