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Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!ihnp4!arizona!titus
From: titus@arizona.UUCP (Titus Purdin)
Newsgroups: net.misc,net.jokes
Subject: Re: MERRY CHRISTMAS
Message-ID: <19032@arizona.UUCP>
Date: Sat, 15-Dec-84 15:49:37 EST
Article-I.D.: arizona.19032
Posted: Sat Dec 15 15:49:37 1984
Date-Received: Sun, 16-Dec-84 09:18:33 EST
References: <413@hoxna.UUCP>
Organization: Dept of CS, U of Arizona, Tucson
Lines: 254
Xref: watmath net.misc:7135 net.jokes:9955

> 
>                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
>                                 69 Cash Avenue
>                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
> 
>                                 December 14,1981
> 
> Dearest John,
> 
> I went to  the  door  today  and  the  postman  delivered  a
> partridge  and  a  pear  tree.  What a thoroughly delightful
> gift.  I couldn't have been more surprised.
> 
> 
>               With deepest love and devotion,
> 
> 
>                            Agnes
> 
> 
> 
>                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
>                                 69 Cash Avenue
>                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
> 
>                                 December 15, 1981
> 
> Dearest John,
> 
> Today the postman brought your vey sweet gift.  Just imagine
> -  two  turtle doves!  I'm delighted at your very thoughtful
> gift.  They are just adorable.
> 
> 
>                         All my love,
> 
> 
>                            Agnes
> 
> 
> 
>                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
>                                 69 Cash Avenue
>                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
> 
>                                 December 16, 1981
> 
> Dear John,
> 
> Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant  one!   Now  I  must  really
> protest.   I  don't  deserve  such generosity - French hens.
> They are just darling, but I must insist - you've  been  too
> kind.
> 
> 
>                            Love,
> 
> 
>                            Agnes
> 
> 
> 
>                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
>                                 69 Cash Avenue
>                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
> 
>                                 December 17, 1981
> 
> Dear John,
> 
> Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.   Now,  really,
> they  are  beautiful,  but don't you think enough is enough?
> You're being too romantic.
> 
> 
>                       Affectionately,
> 
> 
>                            Agnes
> 
> 
> 
>                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
>                                 69 Cash Avenue
>                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
> 
>                                 December 18, 1981
> 
> Dearest John,
> 
> What a surprise!   Today  the  postman  delivered  5  golden
> rings,  one for every finger.  You're just impossible, but I
> love it.  Frankly, all those birds squawking were  beginning
> to get on my nerves.
> 
> 
>                         All my Love,
> 
> 
>                            Agnes
> 
> 
> 
>                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
>                                 69 Cash Avenue
>                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
> 
>                                 December 19, 1981
> 
> Dear John,
> 
> When I  opened  the  door  there  were  actually  six  geese
> a-laying  on  my  front  steps.  So you're back to the birds
> again, huh?  Those geese are huge.  Where will I  ever  keep
> them?   The  neighbors  are  complaining  and  I can't sleep
> through the racket.
> 
> Please Stop.
> 
>                          Cordially,
> 
>                            Agnes
> 
> 
>                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
>                                 69 Cash Avenue
>                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
> 
>                                 December 20, 1981
> 
> John,
> 
> What's with  you  and  those  fucking  birds?   Seven  swans
> a-swimming.   What  kind  of  goddamn joke is this?  There's
> bird shit all over the house and they never  stop  with  the
> racket.   I  can't  sleep  at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
> It's not funny, so stop with those fucking birds.
> 
> 
>                          Sincerely,
> 
>                            Agnes
> 
> 
> 
>                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
>                                 69 Cash Avenue
>                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
> 
>                                 December 21, 1981
> 
> OK, Buster,
> 
> I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to  do
> with  eight maids a-milking?  It's not enough with all those
> birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their
> goddamn  cows.   There's shit all over the lawn, and I can't
> move in my own house.  Just lay off me, smartass.
> 
> 
>                            Agnes
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
>                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
>                                 69 Cash Avenue
>                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
> 
>                                 December 22, 1981
> 
> Hey, Shithead,
> 
> What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there's nine pipers
> playing.   And  Christ, do they play.  They've never stopped
> chasing those maids since they got here  yesterday  morning.
> The  cows  are  getting  upset and they're stepping all over
> those screeching  birds.   What  am  I  going  to  do?   The
> neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
> 
>                      You'll get yours,
> 
>                            Agnes
> 
> 
> 
> 
>                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
>                                 69 Cash Avenue
>                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
> 
>                                 December 23, 1981
> 
> You Rotten Prick,
> 
> Now there's ten ladies dancing.  I don't  know  why  I  call
> those  sluts  ladies.  They've been balling those pipers all
> night long.  Now  the  cows  can't  sleep  and  they've  got
> diarrhea.    My  living  room  is  a  river  of  shit.   The
> Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me  to  give  cause
> why the building shouldn't be condemned.
> 
> I'm siccing the police on you.
> 
>                      One who means it.
> 
> 
> 
>                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
>                                 69 Cash Avenue
>                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
> 
>                                 December 24, 1981
> 
> Listen, Fuckhead,
> 
> What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on  those  maids  and
> ladies?   Some of these broads will never walk again.  Those
> pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy
> with  the cows.  All 23 of the birds are dead.  They've been
> trampled to death in the orgy.  I hope you're satisfied, you
> rotten, vicious swine.
> 
>                      Your sworn enemy,
> 
>                            Agnes
> 
> 
> 
>                                 Law Offices
>                                 Badger, Bender, and Cahole
>                                 303 Knave Street
>                                 Denver, Colorado
> 
>                                 December 25, 1981
> Dear Sir:
> 
> This is to acknowledge your latest gift of  twelve  fiddlers
> fiddling  which  you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
> Miss Agnes McHolstein.   The  destruction,  of  course,  was
> total.  All correspondence should come to our attention.  If
> you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein  at  Happy  Dale
> Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on
> sight.  With this letter please find attached a warrant  for
> your arrest.
> 
> 
> 
>                          Cordially,
> 
>                  Badger, Bender and Cahole

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