Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site arizona.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!ihnp4!arizona!titus From: titus@arizona.UUCP (Titus Purdin) Newsgroups: net.misc,net.jokes Subject: Re: MERRY CHRISTMAS Message-ID: <19032@arizona.UUCP> Date: Sat, 15-Dec-84 15:49:37 EST Article-I.D.: arizona.19032 Posted: Sat Dec 15 15:49:37 1984 Date-Received: Sun, 16-Dec-84 09:18:33 EST References: <413@hoxna.UUCP> Organization: Dept of CS, U of Arizona, Tucson Lines: 254 Xref: watmath net.misc:7135 net.jokes:9955 > > Miss Agnes McHolstein > 69 Cash Avenue > Beaver Valley, Colorado > > December 14,1981 > > Dearest John, > > I went to the door today and the postman delivered a > partridge and a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful > gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. > > > With deepest love and devotion, > > > Agnes > > > > Miss Agnes McHolstein > 69 Cash Avenue > Beaver Valley, Colorado > > December 15, 1981 > > Dearest John, > > Today the postman brought your vey sweet gift. Just imagine > - two turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful > gift. They are just adorable. > > > All my love, > > > Agnes > > > > Miss Agnes McHolstein > 69 Cash Avenue > Beaver Valley, Colorado > > December 16, 1981 > > Dear John, > > Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must really > protest. I don't deserve such generosity - French hens. > They are just darling, but I must insist - you've been too > kind. > > > Love, > > > Agnes > > > > Miss Agnes McHolstein > 69 Cash Avenue > Beaver Valley, Colorado > > December 17, 1981 > > Dear John, > > Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now, really, > they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? > You're being too romantic. > > > Affectionately, > > > Agnes > > > > Miss Agnes McHolstein > 69 Cash Avenue > Beaver Valley, Colorado > > December 18, 1981 > > Dearest John, > > What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 golden > rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I > love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning > to get on my nerves. > > > All my Love, > > > Agnes > > > > Miss Agnes McHolstein > 69 Cash Avenue > Beaver Valley, Colorado > > December 19, 1981 > > Dear John, > > When I opened the door there were actually six geese > a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds > again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep > them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep > through the racket. > > Please Stop. > > Cordially, > > Agnes > > > Miss Agnes McHolstein > 69 Cash Avenue > Beaver Valley, Colorado > > December 20, 1981 > > John, > > What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven swans > a-swimming. What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's > bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the > racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. > It's not funny, so stop with those fucking birds. > > > Sincerely, > > Agnes > > > > Miss Agnes McHolstein > 69 Cash Avenue > Beaver Valley, Colorado > > December 21, 1981 > > OK, Buster, > > I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do > with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those > birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their > goddamn cows. There's shit all over the lawn, and I can't > move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass. > > > Agnes > > > > > > Miss Agnes McHolstein > 69 Cash Avenue > Beaver Valley, Colorado > > December 22, 1981 > > Hey, Shithead, > > What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers > playing. And Christ, do they play. They've never stopped > chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. > The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over > those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The > neighbors have started a petition to evict me. > > You'll get yours, > > Agnes > > > > > Miss Agnes McHolstein > 69 Cash Avenue > Beaver Valley, Colorado > > December 23, 1981 > > You Rotten Prick, > > Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call > those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all > night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got > diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The > Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause > why the building shouldn't be condemned. > > I'm siccing the police on you. > > One who means it. > > > > Miss Agnes McHolstein > 69 Cash Avenue > Beaver Valley, Colorado > > December 24, 1981 > > Listen, Fuckhead, > > What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and > ladies? Some of these broads will never walk again. Those > pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy > with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been > trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you > rotten, vicious swine. > > Your sworn enemy, > > Agnes > > > > Law Offices > Badger, Bender, and Cahole > 303 Knave Street > Denver, Colorado > > December 25, 1981 > Dear Sir: > > This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers > fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, > Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was > total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If > you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale > Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on > sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for > your arrest. > > > > Cordially, > > Badger, Bender and Cahole *** REPLACE THIS LINE WITH YOUR MESSAGE ***