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From: bob@islenet.UUCP (Robert P. Cunningham)
Newsgroups: net.followup,net.jokes
Subject: Re: Lets get 1600 Penn. Ave on the net. (spoof)
Message-ID: <853@islenet.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 19-Dec-84 14:50:34 EST
Article-I.D.: islenet.853
Posted: Wed Dec 19 14:50:34 1984
Date-Received: Fri, 21-Dec-84 07:42:26 EST
References: <330@stcvax.UUCP> <210@calmasd.UUCP> <509@uwmacc.UUCP>
Organization: Hawaii Institute of Geophysics
Lines: 167
Xref: watmath net.followup:4299 net.jokes:10031

[with apologies to Kevin Throop]

Most of you have seen occasional future-dated mail and news articles
occasionally showing up thru uucp -- the so-called "time warp" bug/feature.

While cleaning out the /usr/spool/uucp directory here the other day, I
discovered some future-dated mail reply messages with an intriguing
signature.  Could these possibly be future mail replies to various people
on Usenet from a Significant Person in the White House?

I'm reproducing the messages here, for you to decide (after deleting the
possibly-erroneous dates and the names of the addressees to preserve the
privacy of what might be private mail).

--------

To:

I cannot but agree with your arguments that those responsible for
the development and deployment of weapons used to kill and maim must
share the guilt for the thousands of innocent victims.

By the way, who did invent the automobile?

		curiously,

		whouse!pres

--------

To:

From the sound of it, the hardware modifications you've done on your
microcomputer are Really Neat, and we appreciate your offer to do the
same for the ones around here.  But I really don't think it's right for me to
have Customs "look the other way" when you bring in all the necessary parts
from the orient.

		conscientiously,

		whouse!pres


--------

To:

I'm really sorry I haven't found time for detailed replies to your letters.

The reason is that, while I would never question that your ideas are
profoundly important and urgently needed by mankind, you couch them
in such language that I can seldom figure out what they are.

Dialog is more fun when both parties share some idea of what they're
talking about.

I can hardly wait to learn more details on how you plan to save the world,
but I'm afraid you'll have to explain it in a language I understand.
May I suggest something other than LISP?

		eagerly,

		whouse!pres

--------

To:

Thanks for your suggestion on cutting governmental costs.  Your proposal
to stop paying the interest on -- and not repaying not repaying the
principal of -- the national debt certainly would trim the budget.

However, there would be some side effects.

Many individuals, businesses and virtually all the banks hold government
bonds.  Having those assets vanish overnight would not only be disconcerting,
but would also probably lead to the collapse of the banking system, most
businesses, and probably the entire world economy.

Not to mention what it would do to the government's credit rating...

		
		regretfully,

		whouse!pres


--------

To:

The results from your input-output analysis of the entire world's economy
for the next century certainly are interesting.  So were your projections
on the strategic alternatives open to the Soviet Union over the next
decade.  Almost as interesting as the results of your global climate model
showing the effects of shifting from petrochemical fuels to alternative
energy sources.

Strangely enough, after I receive your analyses via net mail,
I usually receive a similar report through official channels from the
government "think tank" where you work ...  supposedly authored by a
whole team of Ph.D.s

While I'm sure that you've really done all that work -- as a summer hire
jr. assistant student programmer -- I'd really hate to put all those Ph.D.s
out of work.  Instead of the net mail previews, why don't we just let the
results of those massive studies come through official channels, and let those
scientists with all those Ph.D.s feel that they're doing something productive
for the country?

		considerately,

		whouse!pres


--------

To:

I read with interest your urging fellow netlanders to transmit
supposedly-encrypted nonsense files overseas to amuse and entertain the
people in the various government agencies that monitor overseas
communications links to find out if national secrets are being disclosed
to potential adversaries.

It seems that enough people have taken your advice that the appropriate
agencies have asked me for additional staff and computer facilities to
handle the extra volume of possibly-encrypted telecommunications traffic
and sort the garbage from the potentially important material.

However, don't you agree it's not really all that fair to charge this
extra cost to the average American taxpayer?

I'm sure you'll agree. I'm charging the cost to your VISA bill.

I'm sure you'll be amused and entertained ... for the next few centuries it
will take to pay it off.

		always cost-conscious,

		whouse!pres


--------

To:

Your idea of an artificial intelligence program which can handle network
note and mail responses certainly would be a time-saver for a busy executive
such as myself.  The A.I. program could answer electronic mail for me that
I don't have time for.

As you point out, if done well, the recipients of the notes and electronic
mail would never realize that what they were receiving the output of an
artificial intelligence program.

Alas, your idea is not original.  In fact, several government
labs have been working to refine such a program for several years already.

I don't see the need for the government to fund such work.  Anymore.

		yours in A.I.,

		whouse!pres
-- 
Bob Cunningham   ..{dual,ihnp4,vortex}!islenet!bob
Honolulu, Hawaii