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From: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford)
Newsgroups: net.motss,net.singles,net.social,net.news.group
Subject: Re: net personals ... a pointer to a proposal (tonga plugs)
Message-ID: <11372@gatech.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 18-Dec-84 13:05:12 EST
Article-I.D.: gatech.11372
Posted: Tue Dec 18 13:05:12 1984
Date-Received: Wed, 19-Dec-84 19:41:47 EST
References: <622@pucc-k> <11069@gatech.UUCP> <107@ncr-tp.UUCP> <11173@gatech.UUCP> <758@oliven.UUCP>
Reply-To: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford)
Organization: The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech
Lines: 79
Keywords: tonga plugs, wombats, duct tape

In article <758@oliven.UUCP> hawk@oliven.UUCP (Rick) writes:
>>BTW, anyone who knows me well might be rather reluctant to trust me,
>>especially with a cream pie in my hand...or a set of tonga plugs.
>
>OK, I'll ask.  What the hell is a tonga plug?
>
>rick

For some reason, a number of people have asked me this (usually from
people in the Midwest -- it figures).  Since we're all friends here,
and hopefully mature, I'll be frank (or gene) and provide a brief
description.  If there are any young children present, please ask them
not to read along with you.

First off, let me note that there is no such thing as just a "tonga
plug."  They always come in pairs.  Just like you never find a "pant,"
but you always find a pair of "pants." After all, it takes two to
tonga.

The origin of tonga plugs is shrouded in mystery.  Some people claim
that they were first used in ancient Atlantis, whilst others make a
strong case for their creation during an a "love-in" of the 70's.  The
technology behind their manufacture and use was certainly not beyond
Bronze Age man, although there is some question of whether they had the
requisite advanced knowledge of physiology, sociology, astronomy,
electrical engineering and animal husbandry required to operate them to
their full, very stimulating, capacity.

No matter what their origin,  tonga plugs have become an indispensible
addition to the games room of any adventuresome and sensitive adult, as
you well know.  Their only other known use is by licensed  physical
therapists, and their somewhat controversial use by ministers of
certain fundamentalist religious groups in the mountains of Appalachia;
this is much more dangerous to the inexperienced than snake handling,
however, but these groups are protected under the Constitution (they
argue).  There may be some truth to the rumor that certain South
American dictatorships use tonga plugs to whip political prisoners into
a frenzy, continuing only when the hapless victims agree to sign a
confession or betray their comrades.  This is, of course, a blatant
violation of numerous international treaties, the UN Charter, and the
Geneva conventions -- not to mention a terrible affront to human
dignity.  Amnesty International has yet to fully document such a case,
since such misuse rarely results in a survivor (at least a sane one).
However, this is off the subject of your question.

Tonga plugs vary in size from about 10 cm. long (major axis) on up to
almost a full meter, although rumor has it that the NSA is working on a
two meter set.  Traditional tonga plugs may be made of steel, brass,
hard plastic, or shatterproof (obviously!) glass; some back-to-nature
types have had success with tonga plugs made of varnished wood or fried
tofu, however.  Your usual set of tongas are roughly cylindircal,
usually tapered towards one end, and curved ever so slightly (too large
a curve may result in them slipping from between your feet should you
apply too much mayonaise).  Exactly 1.72 meters of rope, cable, or
chain is connected to an inset eyelet at the major end of each plug; a
non-conductive connector is obviously required in the case of metal
plugs.  The surface of one plug is usually etched or inscribed
(patterns vary widely) to distinguish it from the one used with the
wombat.  Colors vary, if used,  with the exception that it should not
be any shade matching the feathers or the jackstand -- this is
considered to be "bad luck."

I think that covers most of the major features.  My apologies for not
being able to present a sketch or picture, but not only is this medium
somewhat limited in that regard, but I would not wish to run afoul of
some of the rather archaic (but nasty and unrepealed) federal
regulations concerning the manufacture, illustration, transportation
across state lines, and conversion (to fully automatic) of tonga
plugs.  Lucky for us, OSHA and the EPA have decided not to challenge
the federal court decision that tonga plugs are legal when used in
private by consenting adults, provided that proper permits have been
granted by the FCC and the ASPCA.

If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to ask.
-- 
Gene "8 months and counting" Spafford
The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332
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