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From: geoff@desint.UUCP (Geoff Kuenning)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: wearing rings (really men shopping for wives)
Message-ID: <285@desint.UUCP>
Date: Sun, 30-Dec-84 03:44:35 EST
Article-I.D.: desint.285
Posted: Sun Dec 30 03:44:35 1984
Date-Received: Mon, 31-Dec-84 02:17:32 EST
References: <954@utastro.UUCP> <861@watcgl.UUCP>
Organization: his home computer, Manhattan Beach, CA
Lines: 52

In article <954@utastro.UUCP> mjs@utastro.UUCP (Pooh @ Across the Eighth Dimension) writes:

>I have dated men in the past who were actively shopping
>for wives...when I did something they DIDN'T like,
>I could see a little mental "x" going on the list.  In
>some cases, the man was only willing to continue the relationship
>with me until he decided whether I was The One he wanted to
>marry.  If the answer was no, it seemed that he no longer
>wanted to waste time being involved with me.
>
>Needless to say, this is not my attitude towards relationships,
>and I feel hurt when this is done.

You have put your finger on a dilemma, Pooh, for those of us who *are* out
"shopping," for almost anything.  For example, I figured out about 4 years ago
that I had made a major mistake by not having children.  After thinking about
it, I decided that the thing I most wanted in life was the pitter-patter of
little feet about my house.  So now I find myself in the position of "shopping"
for a woman who feels similarly.

So what do I do here?  Suppose I meet a woman I really love, who absolutely
refuses to have children.  (Maybe, like some of my friends, she is smart
enough to realize that she would not make a very good parent.)  I don't really
want to break off a rewarding relationship with a wonderful person.  But at
the same time, in our monogamous society, my chances of meeting a person who
*does* want kids are vastly reduced while I am in that relationship.

In article <861@watcgl.UUCP> dmmartindale@watcgl.UUCP (Dave Martindale) writes:

>And I think your explanation is the right one - they were
>interested in finding a specific sort of relationship, and felt like
>they were somehow "running out of time" and just didn't want to "waste
>time" on relationships which weren't going to accomplish that goal.

Unfortunately, you too are right, Dave.  I *do* feel like I'm running out of
time.  Not fast, mind you.  If I got somebody pregnant today, I would be
55 years old when the kid graduated from college, which is perfectly ok.  But
it's not too hard to visualize situation where I am 65 or even older when my
youngest kid got out of college.  I don't want that -- I want to be young
enough to enjoy my kids and let them enjoy me.

Certainly, those of us who are in this "shopping" situation bear a
responsibility to not be assholes.  This applies to everyone else just as
much, however.  Whether a relationship has gone on for ten days or ten years,
it can become clear that it is preventing you from going in the direction you
want to take.  If so, you may decide to break the relationship to allow
yourself to go in that direction.  But I think you still have a
responsibility to do this in the most considerate way possible.
-- 

	Geoff Kuenning
	...!ihnp4!trwrb!desint!geoff