Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site pucc-k
Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!ihnp4!inuxc!pur-ee!CS-Mordred!Pucc-H:Pucc-I:Pucc-K:agz
From: agz@pucc-k (Andrew Banta)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: re: friendships with SO's
Message-ID: <723@pucc-k>
Date: Wed, 19-Dec-84 12:19:35 EST
Article-I.D.: pucc-k.723
Posted: Wed Dec 19 12:19:35 1984
Date-Received: Fri, 21-Dec-84 01:53:40 EST
References: <2537@saturn.UUCP>
Organization: Dept. of  Mental Instability, Purdue University
Lines: 67

[]

From: peters@saturn.UUCP (Liz Peters)
> One reason it might be difficult to maintain such a close relationship 
> with former SO's is that current SO's can be jealous of this other 
> relationship.  There are alot of insecure people out there, and it can 
> be difficult to believe that there isn't something going on.

I think this might warrant a little further discussion.  Now I know all
of you kind people will correct me if I'm wrong, but it has always been
my impression that people outgrow jealousy.  I mean at some point in
ones life, not necessarily marked by any big event, it becomes
acceptable to have friends of the the opposite sex.  My current SO goes
out to dinner, and whatever with an ex-SO (one that her parents hope
she'll marry) on a regular, if not common basis.  It doesn't bother me,
because, as I see it, one of the first things you and your SO have to do
is learn to trust one another.  By the same token, I often have my
friends over (some of which are (gasp!) female) for drinks, cards,
discussion, just plain fun (there are fun things to do other than sex
:-) ).  If my SO can't attend these, I feel that she trusts me in the
same sense.  I know that I would not be able to limit my social life
based on the jealousy of a SO, and wouldn't want anyone to limit their
social life because of my feelings.

> Another reason (and to me the more important one) is that there is usually 
> alot of pain involved when a relationship breaks up (or changes state, at
> least).  It usually takes time for the pain to diminish.  Thoughts of things 
> that could have been keep fliting through your brain.  It will often depend 
> on the people involved.  

I can agree with this more readily.  In fact I would go as far as saying
that sometimes the pain never does diminish to the extent that would
allow any other form of relationship.  Probably the hardest thing to do
is to form a "new" relationship with an old SO.  In spite of this, it
almost always has to be done.  It's obvious that things can't and won't
continue as they were, and one of the biggest hurts is knowing that
though you may still talk to and love each other, you can't express your
affection in the same way you once did. I think this may be one of the
hardest things in overcoming the SO to friendship transition.

> It can be hard to stop thinking of someone in sexual and "possesive" terms 
> (haven't you ever felt deprived when seeing an ex-SO with someone else?) 
> and the time apart can be beneficial to the long-term friendship.  

I once again agree here, to a certain extent at least.  I often feel
happy when I see and ex-SO with someone else.  It means that they have
been able to bounce back and didn't mope till the end of time over the
break-up.  One exception to this is when the ex-SO rubbed in the fact
that she was seeing someone else.  This is the only bitter parting I had
(of course, I've had so *many* partings :-) ).  The time you have to
think of a relationship after its end is important to where the
relationship will go from there.  I always try to think of what did
happen and a lot of the better aspects of the relationship, rather than
harp on the short comings and "what could have been".  I realize that
this is idealistic, and I can't say that I've always been able to do
this, but at least trying helps.

Well, out of here for now ...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andy Banta			{decvax!allegra!ihnp4}!pur-ee!pucc-k!agz
Dept. of Mental Instability, Purdue University --- "I'm OK, You're a CS Major"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Sex is not the answer.
 Sex is the question.
 'YES' is the answer."
(I better include a :-) with that)