Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site mcnc.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!sdcsvax!dcdwest!ittvax!decvax!mcnc!bch From: bch@mcnc.UUCP (Byron Howes) Newsgroups: net.singles,net.social Subject: Re: Meeting the Parents Message-ID: <2392@mcnc.UUCP> Date: Wed, 28-Nov-84 22:26:23 EST Article-I.D.: mcnc.2392 Posted: Wed Nov 28 22:26:23 1984 Date-Received: Sat, 1-Dec-84 19:27:35 EST References: <614@pucc-k>Reply-To: bch@mcnc.UUCP (Byron Howes) Organization: North Carolina Educational Computing Service Lines: 54 Xref: sdcsvax net.singles:4969 net.social:311 Summary: In article aeq@pucc-h (Jeff Sargent) writes: >Admittedly I haven't personal experience to back this up, but have you >considered *residing* together, as distinct from the usual sense of >"living together"? It occurs to me that if you and your SO could >successfully deal with the stresses of sharing a residence, for an >extended period, *without* using sex to paper over disagreements, then >your friendship would be so solid that you would greatly increase your >chances of a successful marriage, should you decide to exercise that option. Of course in the ideal world we are all friends before we become intimate. In practice, as someone (perhaps on the net) has said "First you find out if the hardware is compatible, *then* you worry about the software..." Realistically, couples who cohabit for more than purely economic reasons are more than likely to have slept together, probably for some time. Perhaps someone with more self-discipline than I could deal with the loss of sexual contact while negotiating "the stresses of living together." In my case, it would have induced enough additional stress to have guaranteed a break-up. From my own experience, sex is hardly used to "paper over" disagreements. The influence is usually in the other direction. One tries to resolve (in some sense) disagreements before going into the bedroom so that they don't follow you in. Sex as a tool of placation is a definite bummer for everyone involved. Too, the stresses of living together don't ever go away (sorry to pop your balloon.) No matter how long-term the relationship, there are always the proverbial hairs in the sink or toothpaste squeezed from the wrong end of the tube and a million other things that make you momentarily wish you were living with *anyone* but your partner. You learn to adapt, but most of all you learn to care. The world won't end if you move away from the way you've always done things just a bit to leave some space for someone you love. Finally, living together ain't a whole lot different than being married. It hurts just as much when it dissolves (I speak from experience) even when relatively "amicable." The major difference is that when you've only been cohabiting the lawyers and the courts don't have to get involved. When you go through a divorce, the lawyers and the courts are the least of your problems. Advice? Hardly any. Living together isn't the romantic ideal folks cook it up to be, but then neither is marriage. (Sound of more balloons popping?) You make your relationships the best way you know how, which never seems as good as it could be. Me? I wouldn't trade it for anything -- Byron C. Howes ...!{decvax,akgua}!mcnc!ecsvax!bch