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From: bch@mcnc.UUCP (Byron Howes)
Newsgroups: net.singles,net.social
Subject: Re: Meeting the Parents
Message-ID: <2392@mcnc.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 28-Nov-84 22:26:23 EST
Article-I.D.: mcnc.2392
Posted: Wed Nov 28 22:26:23 1984
Date-Received: Sat, 1-Dec-84 19:27:35 EST
References: <614@pucc-k> 
Reply-To: bch@mcnc.UUCP (Byron Howes)
Organization: North Carolina Educational Computing Service
Lines: 54
Xref: sdcsvax net.singles:4969 net.social:311
Summary: 

In article  aeq@pucc-h (Jeff Sargent) writes:

>Admittedly I haven't personal experience to back this up, but have you
>considered *residing* together, as distinct from the usual sense of
>"living together"?  It occurs to me that if you and your SO could
>successfully deal with the stresses of sharing a residence, for an
>extended period, *without* using sex to paper over disagreements, then
>your friendship would be so solid that you would greatly increase your
>chances of a successful marriage, should you decide to exercise that option.

Of course in the ideal world we are all friends before we become
intimate.  In practice, as someone (perhaps on the net) has said "First
you find out if the hardware is compatible, *then* you worry about the
software..."

Realistically, couples who cohabit for more than purely economic
reasons are more than likely to have slept together, probably for some
time.  Perhaps someone with more self-discipline than I could deal with
the loss of sexual contact while negotiating "the stresses of living
together." In my case, it would have induced enough additional stress
to have guaranteed a break-up.

From my own experience, sex is hardly used to "paper over" disagreements.
The influence is usually in the other direction.  One tries to resolve
(in some sense) disagreements before going into the bedroom so that they
don't follow you in.  Sex as a tool of placation is a definite bummer
for everyone involved.

Too, the stresses of living together don't ever go away (sorry to pop
your balloon.)  No matter how long-term the relationship, there are
always the proverbial hairs in the sink or toothpaste squeezed from the
wrong end of the tube and a million other things that make you
momentarily wish you were living with *anyone* but your partner.  You
learn to adapt, but most of all you learn to care.  The world won't end
if you move away from the way you've always done things just a bit to
leave some space for someone you love.

Finally, living together ain't a whole lot different than being
married.  It hurts just as much when it dissolves (I speak from
experience) even when relatively "amicable."  The major difference is
that when you've only been cohabiting the lawyers and the courts don't
have to get involved.  When you go through a divorce, the lawyers and
the courts are the least of your problems.

Advice?  Hardly any.  Living together isn't the romantic ideal folks
cook it up to be, but then neither is marriage.  (Sound of more
balloons popping?) You make your relationships the best way you know
how, which never seems as good as it could be.  Me?  I wouldn't trade
it for anything

-- 

						Byron C. Howes
				      ...!{decvax,akgua}!mcnc!ecsvax!bch