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Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!gatech!spaf
From: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford)
Newsgroups: net.motss,net.singles,net.social,net.news.group
Subject: Re: net personals ... a pointer to a proposal
Message-ID: <11069@gatech.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 30-Nov-84 22:00:46 EST
Article-I.D.: gatech.11069
Posted: Fri Nov 30 22:00:46 1984
Date-Received: Sun, 2-Dec-84 04:36:24 EST
References: <622@pucc-k>
Organization: The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech
Lines: 91
Xref: gatech net.motss:1181 net.singles:3670 net.social:243 net.news.group:1886

Well, if we have a net.personals, let's get it off to a proper start:

SLIM WHITE MALE, aged 35, seeks attractive white female, 27.  Must have
tattoo (dogs, butterflies okay; no rainbows, gnomes or battle scenes).
Must own late-model foreign car with radial tires (and snows).  Should
be well tanned, blue eyed, blond (sunny yellow, not platinum or
dishwater) and have own luggage.  Must be T'ai Chi expert and familiar
with multiple body-rub techniques.  Must have own chili recipe (no
celery).  Must bathe, not shower.  Must have working command of Latin
(hear it, speak it, order and hail cabs in it).  Should have own
collection of Johnny Tillotson records.  Command of knots is vital.
Must adore the color red.  Must be willing to submit to oral-pedal
penetration.  Must have firm, long, well-lacquered nails.  Must enjoy
buttock derision and rum puppies.  Must be into body paint by numbers.
Should have high-pitched squeals and throaty grunts.  Must be expert
with Chinese brim pluckers.  Must know available hedopropylist for
group knee bends.  Must be well versed in pasta fixations.  Must have
own flesh-pulley equipment and collection of travelogues, intermission
reels and wrestling magazines (circa 1950-54, good to mint condition,
bagged for clean and easy storage).  Must possess own lifelike false
face and iron-on refrigerator decals.  Must be familiar with various
fun party games, such as Supermarket Peekaboo, and Who's Got the Guppy
Wrench?  Must be heavily into nostalgia.  Must collect ice-cream scoops
and beer-can molds.  Must have variegated nipples (1" to 1-1/4"
horizontal only...minor variance of up to 1/16" okay).  Must have own
seltzer bed and tugbowl equipment.  Should have bright disposition and
long fuse.  Must have own set of tonga plugs (his, hers, like new, or
forget it).  Must be able to decipher the following: FHDSS YR F
MDXSZHDVN HD FKKKKLAVM, JFFE TI! DNQQD HDL CLSKDIAZZIRT?  Clue: Y = Y.
Must be patient, discreet and charming.  Must have semi-pro porno
background and yet be technically a virgin (please, no
bicycle-seat/picket-fence tales).  Must have northern European
background, with papers to prove it.  Should know and be capable of
tutoring others in the traditional cross-country donkey paddle.  Must
have own collection of porcelain barnyard animals.  Should enjoy
cinnamon suppository treatment and wearing Victorian corsets.  Must
know Japanese secret of Jell-O inflation.  Can be pensive but not
moody.  Must dig roller opera.  Must possess lots (I mean it) of
ketchup.  Should enjoy keeping copious notes.  Must be able to compose
own satirical Gregorian chants.  Must like pizza, beer and
country-and-western music (own jukebox would be nice, but not
necessary).  Should be acquainted with the many uses of cable grips and
lockstraws.  Can't be shocked by my drag habits and trans-species
getups.  Must chain-smoke and be gifted with accompanying hoarse cough
(bellowing, rippling and liquid...I love it).  Multiple credit cards a
necessity.  Must not have job.  Should be well versed in Benji bells
and seed puckers, and be willing to share the dual joys of my
baked-bean-bag chair.  Must blush on command, and have a dreamy kind of
toilet wit about herself.  Must realize "A shaved private part is the
way to my heart!" Should know what a Toe Bunny is and be willing to eat
one if necessary.  Must stay for the night.  Must be willing to submit
to oriental weight training and cigar bends.  Should be blessed with a
housewife's sense of the carnally absurd.  Own lubrication devices a
must.  College degree okay.  Must prefer the spelling t-e-a-t-s to the
vulgarized American version.  Should exercise a modicum of discretion
when performing oral sex in crowded restaurants.  Must be willing to
tutor me in bathtub bowling and capricious restroom behavior.  Should
be lithe enough to perform prolonged monolingus.  Must have pleasant
(not too professional) smile.

No weirdos, KM freaks, sock bandits, Germans, riot types, caviar mechanics,
funnel gunners, bartenders, whale shapes, fannie floats, screamers, scotch
mongers, scarfaces, nose bleeders, nurses, sharecroppers, sickies, limb
lickers, bug lovers, bondage burgers, real-estate types, strictly orals, B&T,
S&K, hairy foxes, lesbians, leather cupcakes, oil merchants, fattos, baldies,
tailor mades (maids), nukes, masc/dom, biwingers, prominent noses, loop
lovers, fifty-inch wonders.  Polaroidos, Midwesterners, swap jockies,
transsexuals, vacationers, short termers, ex-cons, civil servants, waddle
butts, shame mongers, home wreckers, scoot bunnies, pros, roll tops,
submissos, wick burners, schoolmarms, nonconfidentials, no-tastes,
cellulites, piano ribs, perverts, ale suckers, rowdies, rag bait,
cross-eyeds, six footers, celebrities, colony canaries, clay bods,
left-handers, snide types, vinyl pants, moonies, retailers, crazies, lounge
lizards, high-heelers, discos, porkballs, roadhogs, sveltos, PWTs, portlies,
irreverents, punks, seedlings, and wacko-fetish types need apply.


Still searching, 
--Spaf

=============================================

(Thanks to John Caldwell and his marvelous book, "The Book of
Ultimates" published by McGraw-Hill, 1983.  ISBN 0-07-009608-2.
Copyright by John Caldwell.  Consider this quote a very positive
review.)
-- 
Gene "8 months and counting" Spafford
The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332
CSNet:	Spaf @ GATech		ARPA:	Spaf%GATech.CSNet @ CSNet-Relay.ARPA
uucp:	...!{akgua,allegra,hplabs,ihnp4,linus,seismo,ulysses}!gatech!spaf