Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site aecom.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!cbosgd!ihnp4!zehntel!hplabs!hao!seismo!cmcl2!philabs!aecom!werner From: werner@aecom.UUCP (Craig Werner) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: LBJs not found in Canonical List (i.e. New to Usenet) Message-ID: <986@aecom.UUCP> Date: Sat, 1-Dec-84 19:05:14 EST Article-I.D.: aecom.986 Posted: Sat Dec 1 19:05:14 1984 Date-Received: Wed, 5-Dec-84 00:56:58 EST Distribution: net Organization: Albert Einstein Coll. of Med., NY Lines: 103 <><><><><><><><><><><> ALL NEW, NEVER SEEN BEFORE ON USENET (I hope!) LIGHT BULB JOKES. Several months ago, two versions of The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes were posted byand I've combined these lists and a few other reasonably original LB jokes that appeared on the net, and then compared other sources for jokes that didn't appear in any of these lists. The following is the result. Sources are given in all cases. Although, in some instances, I may have paraphrased to improve the joke's delivery. Send replies to werner@aecom.UUCP (philabs!aecom!werner). Don't post. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The following jokes or variations are from: _How_Many_Zen_Buddhists_Does_It_Take_to_Screw_in_a_Light_Bulb?_ by Matt Freedman and Paul Hoffman c. 1980 (Paperback, illustrated.) Alternate Answer: Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and a second to hand our leaflets. Alternate Answer: Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady? The following do not appear in the canonical list in any form: (still from _How_Many_Zen_Buddhists_....) Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Seventeen. One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the stepladder. Four to hold the stepladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink martinis with the WASPs. Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: At least three. (Notes: think height!) Q: How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room to go to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress? Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on. Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,0000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. (Notes: this joke might be dated.) Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent. Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: All of them. Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One and a half. Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies. Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In." >The following appeared in the comic strip "Hello Carol." Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. >The following is attributed to Michael Anderson '83, a student activist at Harvard. Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a lightbulb? A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb! (Notes: Sparts are members of the Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that is 100% Stalinist in orientation, and are considered to give leftist activists a bad name.) >The following cropped up while I was in anatomy lab doing a dissection. >(I'm a 1st year Med student.) We are currently looking for a better >answer than the one provided. Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. -- Craig Werner !philabs!aecom!werner What do you expect? Watermelons are out of season!