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From: greg@bnl.UUCP (Gregory Campbell)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: The night before Christmas
Message-ID: <812@bnl.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 6-Dec-84 20:50:01 EST
Article-I.D.: bnl.812
Posted: Thu Dec  6 20:50:01 1984
Date-Received: Thu, 13-Dec-84 01:35:44 EST
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.     Found in an old MAD magazine:
 


         THE 1981 NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS


 'Twas the night before Christmas, and one thing was clear-
 That old yuletide spirit no longer was here;
 Inflation was rising; the crime rate was trippling;
 The fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;

 I opened a beer as I watched the TV,
 Where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
 The kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
 Or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.

 While ma with her ball-point pen was making a fuss
 'Bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
 "Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
 "Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"

 When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
 'Twas our burglar alarm, and I hollered,"Who's there?"
 I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
 And, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

 Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
 Was caught in our eight-foot electrified fence;
 He called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
 Said I, "If you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"

 But, lo, as his presence grew clearer to me,
 I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
 I called off our doberman clawing at his sleigh
 And, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's okay."

 I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
 And he poured out the following tale of despair;
 "On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
 But now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."

 "You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
 And without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
 Although I would like to continue to use them,
 The wild life officials believe I abuse them."

 "To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
 And told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
 I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
 And bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."

 "Last April my workers came forth with demands,
 And I soon had a general strike on my hands;
 I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
 So the missus and I did the work by ourselves."

 "And then, later on, came additional trouble-
 An avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
 My Allstate insurance was worthless, because
 They had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause"
 
 "And after that came an I.R.S audit;
 The government claimed I was out to defraud it;
 They finally nailed me for 65 grand,
 Which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."

 "And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
 Flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
 Not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
 Taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."

 "My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
 I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
 And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
 It's from flying too close to a nuclear site."

 He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
 And I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
 "I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
 But I fear that today I've become obsolete."

 He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
 And these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
 "No longer can I do the job that's required;
 If anyone asks, just say,'Santa's retired!'"


    Rewritten without permission of course.