Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site gatech.UUCP
Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!gatech!spaf
From: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford)
Newsgroups: net.singles,net.social
Subject: Gifts (rerun)
Message-ID: <11282@gatech.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 12-Dec-84 01:02:58 EST
Article-I.D.: gatech.11282
Posted: Wed Dec 12 01:02:58 1984
Date-Received: Thu, 13-Dec-84 02:30:42 EST
Distribution: net
Organization: The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech
Lines: 79
Xref: watmath net.singles:4838 net.social:351

Maybe it is a bit conceited of me, but I'm going to post this again.
The last two times I posted it, I got a lot of fairly positive
feedback.  I think it still says something important, and there are
probably many readers of this group who haven't seen it the last two
years around.  Considering the time of year, and some of the hype that
goes with holiday gift-giving, I figured I'd just post it again. 

As a bit of background, I originally wrote it to net.singles in
response to an article about a lady being terribly disappointed on her
birthday.  It seems that her boyfriend didn't do much of anything for
her birthday except gift her with a used TV set.  It was his first
serious romantic relationship, and she wasn't sure what future was in
it.  So, as you sit amidst your holiday gifts, consider:

    As to the fellow who gave the old TV... sometimes the things we
    prize are incomprehensible to others.  My cat brings in mice and
    birds that he catches and lays them at my feet, proud of his gifts
    and unswerving in his devotion.  I thank kitty (named Waldo the
    Wonder Duck) and put him and his prize back outside.  I would much
    prefer he bring in a live redhead for me, but I recognize the
    intent despite my interest in other gifts.

    Each of us has some kind of mental picture of what an "appropriate"
    type of gift might be.  Much of that is conditioned by what we
    value and what we have been given through our lives.  This
    particular instance could be one of someone who is not used to
    material presents and who was attempting to play the game based on
    what he had seen and heard others do ("Hey, a TV is an expensive
    gift.  Will this do?").  I mean, maybe he isn't into giving alcohol
    and dead vegetable matter (champagne and flowers).  Chocolate makes
    you fat.  And so it goes.  You do stupid things sometimes when you
    don't know the rules of the game.

    Experience is what helps you prevent making the same mistake twice
    (you make different mistakes, instead).  The lady should talk to
    the guy and make him aware of her particular feelings and
    expectations.  If he cares, he can show it in other ways.  How does
    he act the rest of the time?  Does she believe he cares?

    Some people find it difficult to touch one another, with hugs or
    with words.  That doesn't mean the affection isn't there -- it just
    means that they express things differently.  You have to learn some
    of their "language" and teach them some of yours.  Communication
    isn't easy.  Neither is a relationship.  Love doesn't mean living
    happily ever after, but it sure can help. Instead, love means
    you're willing to try -- again and again, even when the odds look
    very bad.

    I was very involved with one special lady for 4.5 years.  In all
    that time, I think she said "I love you" in words only 3 times.  In
    fact, we discussed it once or twice, and she indicated it made her
    want to cry if she tried it.  Yet, I never had any doubts.  I knew
    what she was saying when she sent me a card, or gave me a hug, or
    smiled at me.  I would trade my last ten birthdays to have those
    smiles once again.

    My dad has never said "I love you" nor has he ever come up with any
    kind of birthday gift that stuck in my mind much.  But I have what
    I am today and the memories of all the things he has done for me.
    And does. That's the gift that really matters to me.

    If the guy is a crummy gift-giver, educate him.  If he's a lousy
    kisser, help him practice.  If he has lousy taste in clothes, help
    him shop.  But do it if you care for him and he cares for you, not
    if you think you can "transform" him into someone you can love.
    Talk it over -- don't let it fester inside.  Look at the other
    things about him and see if he's worth it on that level.  What will
    you miss most -- him, or a birthday celebration which never
    happened?

    ...what I would give for those smiles again...


My wishes for peaceful and happy holidays to you all,
-- 
Gene "8 months and counting" Spafford
The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332
CSNet:	Spaf @ GATech		ARPA:	Spaf%GATech.CSNet @ CSNet-Relay.ARPA
uucp:	...!{akgua,allegra,hplabs,ihnp4,linus,seismo,ulysses}!gatech!spaf