Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site loral.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!sdcsvax!sdcc6!loral!jlh From: jlh@loral.UUCP (Walter Mitty) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: A christmas re-run Message-ID: <700@loral.UUCP> Date: Fri, 7-Dec-84 18:21:23 EST Article-I.D.: loral.700 Posted: Fri Dec 7 18:21:23 1984 Date-Received: Sun, 9-Dec-84 03:42:08 EST Distribution: net Organization: at the end of the pointed finger Lines: 66 And by popular demand, (well, actually my retarded wombat wanted it) here is some Christmas cheer I saved from last year. T H E N I G H T B E F O R E C H R I S T M A S --------------------------------------------------- Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Were empties and butts left around by some louse. And the best quart I hid by the chimney with care, Had been swiped by some bum who'd found it there. My guests had long since been poured in their beds To wake in the morning with God - awful heads. My wife too was cold with her chin in her lap And me - I was dying for one more nightcap. When out from the lawn there came such a smell I sprang to my feet to see what the hell- Away to the window I tore like a flash Fell over the table - broke a chair with a crash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow Made me think of the coal bill and all that I owe. And what to my wondering eyes should show up- But eight bloated reindeer - hitched to a beer truck. With a little old driver who looked like a hick I saw it was Santa - as tight as a tick. Like General Grants Tanks - those reindeer they came And he hiccoughed and belched as he called them by name. On Schenley - On Seagram, we ain't got all night You too Haig and Haig - and you Black and White. Scram up on the roof get the hell off this wall, Get going you dummies - we've got a long haul. So up the roof went reindeer and truck But a tree branch hit Santa before he could duck And then, in a twinkling I heard from above A hell of a noise that was no cooing dove. And I pulled in my head and cocked a sharp ear Down the chimney he came right smack on his rear. He was dressed in furs - with no cuffs on his pants And the way the guy squirmed - I guess he had ants. His droll little mouth made him look a bit wacky And the beard on his chin was stained with tobaccy. He had pints and quarts in the sack on his back And a breath that would blow a train off the track. He was chubby and plump and he tried to stand right But he didn't fool me - he was high as a kite. He spoke not a word but went straight to his work And missed half the stocking -- the plastered old jerk! Then putting five fingers to the end of his nose-- He gave me the bird - and up the chimney he rose. He sprang for his truck at so fast a pace He fell over his feet and slid on his face. But I heard him burp back as he passed out of sight -- Merry Christmas you rum-dumms -- Now really get tight!