Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site gatech.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!emory!gatech!spaf From: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: The Purity/Experience Tests (Long!!!) Message-ID: <11098@gatech.UUCP> Date: Sun, 2-Dec-84 00:27:45 EST Article-I.D.: gatech.11098 Posted: Sun Dec 2 00:27:45 1984 Date-Received: Tue, 4-Dec-84 06:11:05 EST References: <3193@mit-eddie.UUCP> Reply-To: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford) Distribution: net.singles Organization: The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech Lines: 326 In article <3193@mit-eddie.UUCP> rh@mit-eddie.UUCP (Randy Haskins) writes: >Well, here it is, folks. I got quite a number of responses, so >I decided to post. Note that this stuff isn't for the faint of heart, >some of these questions can be pretty rude. They're also fairly hilarious. >There are three tests listed here: my own experience test, and the Male >and Female Purity Tests (I would rather be experienced than pure, but >that's the way it goes. As I had mentioned, I have a program written in >Tops-20 Assembler that will administer these tests, given a file in a >certain format. Imagine what you could have written had you done it in Ada!! >So, without further ado, here's 500+ lines of stuff designed to see what >you're made of. Snips, snails, and puppy dog tails. The young lady to my immediate left (Kathy) is made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Together, with the help of sufficient quantites of Sabra, we'll provide some special answers to your test, and suggest some new lines of questioning. > The Unisex Experience Test (having never experienced Unisex, we're already at a loss) > SOMEONE means a member of the opposite sex. > > Have you ever... >1. Been sexually aroused? ...during this test? >4. Kissed someone (French kissed)? ...does Irish kissing count? (Brace yourself, Kathy...) >5. Kissed someone other than on the lips? ...which ones? >6. Slept with someone (just slept)? ...does my Calculus class count? >7. Had a date past 4:00 AM? ...yup, and figs too! (we're daring) >11. Ear Frenched (or by) someone? ...is that where you stick your ear in someone else's mouth? >12. Necked continuously for more than 15 minutes? ...heck, we've had these necks almost 29 years! >14. Petted below the shoulders? ...can 90 million cats and dogs be wrong? >17. Exaggerated about your sexual experience? ...we haven't stopped long enough to exaggerate. >18. Gone out with only one person for a while? ...that's what we tell each other. >21. Stuffed a bra or pants? ...hint: don't use mashed potatoes. >22. Picked someone up, or let someone pick you up? ...by what? > > BEEN ON EITHER END OF THE FOLLOWING FIVE ITEMS: > >25. Fondling the bare breast of a woman who was picked up? ...we assume she was picked up by her blouse and it ripped off? >26. Sucking a woman's nipple? ...hey, men got nipples too! > > CONTINUE NORMALLY: ...for us, no such thing... > >36. Gone through the motions of sexual intercourse with clothes on? ...what, and get Vaseline and tread marks on our shirts? >38. Seen someone completely nude? ...we've got mirrors. >39. Been seen completely nude by someone? ...does my pediatrician count? >40. Been with someone with both of you completely nude? ...under our clothes. >43. Gone steady with more than one person at the same time? ...huh? Could you please explain that? >45. Told or listened to dirty jokes in mixed company? ...does this count? >46. Read pornographic literature? ...does this count? >48. Bought sexual objects (like from a sex shop or mail order)? ...if it's longer than it is wide, it's phallic. Loaves of bread, carrots, tubes of toothpaste.... >51. Masturbated? ...does this count? >52. Masturbated with any foreign object? ...nope, US made only. >53. Masturbated out of doors? ...usually just out the window. >54. Masturbated somewhere where someone could have discovered you? ..and then the bright lights of Hollywood? >55. Masturbated while someone was watching? ...does this count? >59. Discussed masturbation with a member of the opposite sex? ...is it masturbation if you do it with a member belonging to someone of the opposite sex? > > DRUGS, ETC. > >60. Smoked a cigarette, cigar, or pipe? ...simultaneously? >61. Smoked or eaten marijuana? ...I've eaten smoked ham.... >62. Had an alcoholic drink? ...I've had a number of alcoholics drink. >63. Been intoxicated? ...just by each other >66. Completely forgotten what happened while you were very drunk? ...does this count? >81. Tripped ten or more times? ...sure, I'm very clumsy. >82. Had sex while tripping? ...I'm clumsy, not acrobatic! >83. Been arrested? ...yes, for having attempted sex while tripping. >85. Committed any felony not listed on this test? ...does this count? > > SERIOUS SEX: ...the other kind is more fun > >86. Been propositioned by someone? ...that's why there's a break between #66 and #81 >89. Fondled someone who was asleep? ...that usually is what put them to sleep. >90. Attempted to seduce someone? ...yeah, I'm very clumsy. >92. Been on either end of an attempted (or successful) rape? ...Now wait a moment. In all seriousness (which the rest of this isn't), rape is not in any way to be considered serious sex. It is a brutal act of violence, and its inclusion here is totally offensive. Now we resume our nonsense, already in progress. >93. Performed oral sex on someone? ...nope, just with someone >95. Done both simultaneously (69)? ...doing it on myself count? >96. Performed mutual masturbation? ...izat like Mutual of Omaha? >97. Maneuvered someone into bed with you somewhat against their will? ...no, just against my mattress. >98. Successfully used any drug to lower someone's inhibition? ...only Novocaine. And what good are inhibitions around their knees? >100. Had (heterosexual) sex without any form of birth control? ^ and what other kind would need birth control? >111. Had anal sex? ...does that mean once a year? >112. Had sex in any position other than those mentioned? ...does this count? >117. Had sex ten or more times with one person? ...yes, between questions #66 and #81, above. >121. Had sex with someone of a different race? ...and in this case, different species. >125. Had sex in a place where you could be discovered? ...and then the bright lights of Hollywood? >126. Had sex for money, or paid for sex yourself? ...I usually make HER pay. >130. Had sex with someone 15 or more years older or younger than you? ...they didn't look it until after sex with me... >133. Been married yourself? ...How could you marry yourself? >134. Been in a menage a trois? ...Is that near the Plaza del Sol? >135. Been or caused someone to be pregnant? ...No, see #137 >137. Had or caused someone to have an illegitimate child? ...Yes, see #135 >138. Had venereal disease? ...Chapped lips? >140. Transmitted venereal disease to someone? ...Federal Express > > SERIOUSLY KINKY THINGS: ...not really > >194. Used a feather? ...lots. I don't like Dacron pillows >196. Used a basket? ...Picnic! >197. Worn a grope suit? ...Maybe you meant a GRAPE suit. No, purple just isn't my color. >198. Used ropes or chains or handcuffs for bondage? ...I use little plastic strips with gauze for bondages. >199. Had sex on a waterbed? ...How is that seriously kinky? UNDER would be kinky! >200. Had sex with someone who was blind-folded? ...Well, sex with somebody blind, but never folded! >201. Had sex with someone who was gagged? ...She eventually learned to swallow. >203. Used tacks and/or salt? ...How else do you make a carpet Margarita? >204. Used a whip or something similar for pain? ...For faster relief, try aspirin or Motrin. >205. Fist-fucked? ...Masturbation again? >206. Performed oral sex after intercourse (without washing)? ... I don't care if my sheets are clean! Laundry can wait! >207. Drawn blood or had blood drawn by biting? ...The Red Cross is seriously kinky? >215. Kissed your partner after oral sex? ...Sometimes I give her a gold star, too. >216. Put your hand in your mouth after masturbating? ...only if the other thing won't reach. >217. Had oral sex in a moving car? ...How do you get them up on the dash in back of the steering wheel? >218. Had intercourse in a moving car? ...it was rocking back and forth -- does that count as movement? >219. Licked your partner's feet, or had your feet licked? ...in a moving car? >220. Been involved in oxygen-deprivation for sexual enhancement ...how about farts under the sheets? >222. Had sex with an animal? ...we prefer to think of it as "making love". Baaaaa >224. Had sex with more than one kind of animal? ...do shellfish count? >226. Had sex with a small animal (dog, cat, chicken, hamster, etc.)? ...break out the duct tape, laddie! >227. Played piano (or some other instrument), hacked computers, > watched TV, or something along these line while having sex? ...does this count? >229. Been involved in nude picture-taking? ...That's how to trip the shutter release in a self-portrait! >234. Been in a group of ten or more people having sex? ...I like to watch. >235. Had sex with two or more members of a nuclear family (at different times)? ...they were easier to find under the sheets when they glowed in the dark. >239. Had sex in a tree? ...how about WITH a tree? >240. Had sex underwater? ...see #199, above. >245. Done anything so extreme that it wasn't on here? ...does this count? > >**************************************************************** > > MALE PURITY TEST > > Have you ever... >4. Had a wet dream? ...see #240, above. >5. Had a date with a real live girl? ...I prefer the dead ones, myself. >11. Kissed a girl on the neck? ...I have to start somewhere >16. Danced with a girl cheek to cheek? ...yeah, it keeps our buns warm >37. Seen a completely nude woman in the flesh? ...I've seen one out of her flesh, and she looked terrible! >39. Had a girl completely undress you? ...it's hard to get good help these days. >42. Been in bed since age 15 with a woman who was not more than 3 years > younger than yourself? ...No, I've had to get up occasionally to go to the bathroom and get something to eat. And change the sheets. >51. Told dirty jokes to, or been told by a girl? ...English, she is a complex language, no? >59. Successfully used alcohol to lower a girl's resistance? ...Copper wire is better yet, and less flammable. >93. Been watched during intercourse by an impartial observer? ...I don't know how impartial he was, but he scored me a 9.4 > > > FEMALE PURITY TEST > > Have you ever... >2. Used a tampon? ...Isn't that a citizen of Tampa? >3. Had a clitoral erection? ...What other kind could I have? >5. Kissed a man? ...where? >17. Lied to break a date? ...he was broke before I lied to him. >18. Gone steady? ...up until the first few drinks >19. Petted below the shoulders? ...above isn't nearly as much fun. >22. Had your bare breast fondled by a man? ...Just one?? >23. Had a man fondle your bare breast? ...How is this different from #22? Oh, the OTHER breast! >24. Had a man remove your brassiere? ...only under the supervision of a licensed surgeon. >25. Done No. 23 in the last three months? ...I've done #1 and I've done #2, but #23!? >28. Had your nipple sucked by a man subsequent to his weaning? ...That's as good a time to start as any. >30. Had a man's hand under your skirt? ...I use underwear. It fits better. >35. Gone through the motions of sexual intercourse while completely dressed? ...While waiting for buses, in elevators, at lunch.... >40. Had two dates on the same night with two different men? ...Two dates on the same night with the same man? >41. Gone steady with two men at the same time? ...in the same room. >43. Read pronographic literature? ...does this count? pronographic? Is that lying down? >49. Masturbated with foreign objects (e.g. coke bottle, cylindrical > slide rule, etc.)? ...The Eiffel Tower? >52. Smoked a cigarette, cigar, pipe, or used chewing tobacco? ...Have YOU ever smoked used chewing tobacco? Ick! >59. Had a homosexual experience with another woman? ...How could I have one with a man? >62. Been engaged? ...in what? >67. Sucked a penis (a man's)? ...a woman's? >68. Participated in cunnilingus with a man? ...a man's got one of those? >78. Done No. 70 dog fashion (from rear)? ...I approached him from the rear? >82. Done No. 70 with a man of a different race? ...Gene's a Vegan -- does that count? >88. Done No. 70 more than ten times with one particular man > (or one that is not so particular)? ...often on the same night. >90. Been "employed" in a house of ill repute? ...no, I was just volunteering >97. Committed statutory rape (oh yes, you can)? ...thanks for the encouragement. >100. Committed a felony (other than the ones above)? ...does this count? -- Gene "8 months and counting" Spafford The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332 CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf%GATech.CSNet @ CSNet-Relay.ARPA uucp: ...!{akgua,allegra,hplabs,ihnp4,linus,seismo,ulysses}!gatech!spaf