Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site bnl.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!mcnc!philabs!sbcs!bnl!greg From: greg@bnl.UUCP (Gregory Campbell) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: The night before Christmas Message-ID: <812@bnl.UUCP> Date: Thu, 6-Dec-84 20:50:01 EST Article-I.D.: bnl.812 Posted: Thu Dec 6 20:50:01 1984 Date-Received: Thu, 13-Dec-84 01:35:44 EST Distribution: net Lines: 89 . Found in an old MAD magazine: THE 1981 NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS 'Twas the night before Christmas, and one thing was clear- That old yuletide spirit no longer was here; Inflation was rising; the crime rate was trippling; The fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling; I opened a beer as I watched the TV, Where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie; The kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should; Or else they were stoned, which was almost as good. While ma with her ball-point pen was making a fuss 'Bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us; "Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist; "Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!" When out in the yard came a deafening blare; 'Twas our burglar alarm, and I hollered,"Who's there?" I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night, And, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight. Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense Was caught in our eight-foot electrified fence; He called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!" Said I, "If you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!" But, lo, as his presence grew clearer to me, I saw in the glare that it just might be he! I called off our doberman clawing at his sleigh And, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's okay." I led him inside where he slumped in a chair, And he poured out the following tale of despair; "On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling, But now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling." "You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year, And without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer; Although I would like to continue to use them, The wild life officials believe I abuse them." "To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by And told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky; I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections, And bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections." "Last April my workers came forth with demands, And I soon had a general strike on my hands; I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves, So the missus and I did the work by ourselves." "And then, later on, came additional trouble- An avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble; My Allstate insurance was worthless, because They had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause" "And after that came an I.R.S audit; The government claimed I was out to defraud it; They finally nailed me for 65 grand, Which I paid through the sale of my house and my land." "And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare Flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air; Not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread, Taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead." "My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings, I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings. And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight, It's from flying too close to a nuclear site." He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh, And I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye; "I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat, But I fear that today I've become obsolete." He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh, And these last words he spoke as he went on his way; "No longer can I do the job that's required; If anyone asks, just say,'Santa's retired!'" Rewritten without permission of course.