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From: jeb@eisx.UUCP (Jim Beckman)
Newsgroups: net.movies
Subject: JOE BOB Goes to the Drive-in
Message-ID: <786@eisx.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 18-Sep-84 14:43:45 EDT
Article-I.D.: eisx.786
Posted: Tue Sep 18 14:43:45 1984
Date-Received: Wed, 26-Sep-84 00:37:41 EDT
Organization: AT&T Info. Sys. Labs, South Plainfield NJ
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<>
Somebody forwarded me some clippings from the Fort Lauderdale News/Sun
including a couple of old Joe Bob reviews.  The following was dated
June 8, 1984, but I don't remember seeing it on the net.  Anyway, for
those who need a Joe Bob fix, here it is:  (remember the date)

                  JOE BOB goes to the drive-in

Dear Ronnie,
   I realize you're not gonna have anywhere to hang out when you come to
Dallas this summer to get crowned king of America.  The Dallas high
sheriffs are doing everything they can to make sure it's the most boring
convention in the history of the world, including make all the communist
protesters go 15 miles out to a campground so they won't mess up the
valet parking.  We called up John Hinckley's dad the other day to see if
they're gonna let the boy come home anytime soon for a visit, but the
doctors said no way, Jose, even though he han't said anything about
Jodie Foster's thighs in several weeks.  The only thing else that might
happen is we could have some folks coming down from the hippie camps in
Tennessee where they've been smoking Arkansas Polio Weed ever since 1967
and waiting for the end of the world.  So those people might have group
sex out in front of Neiman-Marcus, but other than that there won't be
anything to look at.
   That's why I'm writing to you, Big Fella.
   A few of us were out at the Gemini Drive-In committing Class C
misdemeanors the other night, and somebody mentioned that we would
either have to bus in some guys from Houston so we could beat the
stuffings out of 'em or else we would need some other form of
entertainment during the GOP Toga Party.
   Then somebody said that we already *got* everything we need in the
drive-in archives.
   We got GIRLS ON PROBATION, that law-and-order classic.
   We got COWBOY FROM BROOKLYN. (Love your Texas accent, Ron.)
   We got NAUGHTY BUT NICE. Of course you were naughty.
   Of *course* we got AN ANGEL FROM TEXAS. (Starring you and the ex.)
   We got JUKE GIRL. (Nice vigilante stuff.)
   We got THE GIRL FROM JONES BEACH, the flick based completely on
the shape of Virginia Mayo's body.
   We got TUGBOAT ANNIE SAILS AGAIN, where you worked for The Skipper,
aka Alan Hale.
   In other words, we've decided you're really a drive-in kind of guy.
You were making drive-in movies before there was hardly any drive-ins.
Now a lot of indoor-bullstuff people han't seen all these flicks and so
they wondered what the big deal was about your acting, and I had to
tell 'em, "Ron was the guy that, five minutes after you saw the movie,
you never could remember he was in it."
   And you and I both know, every movie *needs* a guy like that to do a
little plot in the middle of the story, like the time when you made the
speech about academic freedom right in the middle of SHE'S WORKING HER
WAY THROUGH COLLEGE, and the entire cast had to act like they were
listening to you.  I don't have to remind *you*, Ron, that it's durn
thankless work to always be walking around behind Errol Flynn holding
his sword and being a wimp for Barbara Stanwyck to step on.
   But what I'm trying to say is, since you don't have anything to do
here for the whole week, we'd preciate the heck out of it if you'd make
like a bakery truck and haul buns out to the Lewisville Drive-In or the
Kaufman Pike or any other drive-in site of your choosing and prove to
America that you *are* a drive-in kind of guy and we'll put a mike up
top the concession stand so you can address the non-communist drive-in-
going public of America and then we'll show HONG KONG, where you star as
a guy who opens his own Army surplus store, and after that if we have
time we'll watch THAT HAGEN GIRL, where you fall for Shirley Temple
even though she's jailbait.
   Also, maybe the hippies will put up a picket line and we'll have to
bring in the Dallas SWAT team and billy-club 'em into submission.
   Or if you don't like that idea, we can tool over to Fort Worth and
get sloshed.
   Either way, lemme know in the next week or so which flicks you
want us to put up on the big screen.
Just between you and me, dude, this could be extremely important in the
white-trash precincts, including my own trailer park, if you know what
I mean and I believe you do.
   We're already chalking you up for the "W" column, Ronnieboy, mainly
because Walter Mondale is a box of rocks and Gary Hart is so pink they
have to stick his head in a vat of Johnson's baby powder every morning
just to get him ready for TV.
   And Ron, one more thing.  When you get out to the drive-in that night,
try to keep it clean.  I don't want to have to mention that again.
   OK.  This week, in Big Ron's honor, I took the Toronado down off
blocks and gunned it out to Abilene to see CHATTANOOGA CHOO CHOO,
because this flick is by the same guys out of cincinnati that made
HARPER VALLEY PTA and they come out with a new movie ever three years
and they're pretty much the hottest thing going in the Cincinnati film
industry.  They were pretty proud of CHOO CHOO as the only flick in the
U.S. of A. that opened on the same day as INDIANA CLONES AND THE TEMPLE
OF DUMB.
   Anyhow, the reason I say this review is in Big Ron's honor is, the
*entire* cast is people you recognize but you can't hardly remember
who they were.  We got Barbara (I Dream of Jeannie) Eden.  We got
Joe (I Dream of Acting) Namath, running around in a lavender jogging
suit and showing everybody how he's been putting away a few Big Macs.
We got George the fat guy in Cool Hand Luke Kennedy.  We got the
Doublemint Twins bimbos, Candi and Randi.
   But here's the best part:  There's not any movie.
   It's a joke.
   It looks like a movie.  It lasts an hour and a half.  There's
stuff up there on the screen.  There's no plot to get in the way of
the story, of course, which gets it an automatic two stars.  But
there's nothing else in the sucker either.
   No blood.
   No breasts.
   No beasts.
   No acting.
   CHATTANOOGA CHOOO CHOO may be the first clean sweep in the history
of "Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-in."  Absolutely *nothing* on the screen
to get in the way of enjoying the total drive-in experience.  Oh, OK,
I do admit there's a little wiggling around by the bimbo cheerleader
squad, and there's some fairly decent kung fu by this fat Chinaman
with a goatee who goes around cracking motorcycles in half and throwing
wimps through plate-glass windows.  But other than that, for all I
know Ronald could've been in this flick.
   There's some more stuff in it, but I forgot.
   Take mind-altering substances and dates old enough to remember the
1967 Super Bowl.  Two stars sober.  Two-and-a-half on Miller.  Three
on Bud.  Best disposable airhead flick since SPRING BREAK.
   Joe Bob says check it out.