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From: drlmain@ut-ngp.UUCP (Tim Meluch)
Newsgroups: net.movies
Subject: At the Drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs
Message-ID: <953@ut-ngp.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 21-Sep-84 11:32:25 EDT
Article-I.D.: ut-ngp.953
Posted: Fri Sep 21 11:32:25 1984
Date-Received: Wed, 26-Sep-84 04:09:50 EDT
Organization: U.Texas Computation Center, Austin, Texas
Lines: 62



Celebrate 'Massacre's' 10th birthday

by Joe Bob Briggs (as usual without permission)

  A lot of people got their _Hustlers_ late in the mail this month, and the 
only thing I can figure out is my good friend and fellow Babtist, Donnie 
Wildmon of Tupelo, Miss., is out there gumming up the works again, trying to 
get the U.S. mail to hold those suckers up till watermelon season is over. I
only read _Hustler_ for the articles, but this month there's a gardening featurein there called "Big Melons" which all I can figure out is they got those melonsin Hope, Ark., the watermelon capital of North America, and if I lived in Hope 
I'd be a little p.o.ed because they don't give the 800 number or anything where you can buy 'em.
   Maybe you already know how Donnie got _Hustler_ and _Playboy_ took out of
Gulf gas stations and Eckerd's drug stores, so we been boycotting those turkeys
ever since.  Let's face it, some people are too poor for a mail-in subscription,they got to pony up for one issue at time, so I don't know what Donnie has  
against poor people but I'm sick of this.  And, Donnie, you're gonna be ashamed
of yourself when you hear this, but this month _Hustler_ has an interview in 
there with _me_ and so you can see what kind of damage you're doing to Babtist
evangelism in America ever time you start monkeying around with literature.
   But this time I'm gonna make an exception for _some_ of the lies printed 
about me in _Hustler_.  After all, it took me a long time to get there.  When
I started out writing this column, all I could get was articles in _The Wall 
Street Journal_.  Then I got wrote up in _Time_, _Us_, the _New York Crimes_, a bunch of wimpola magazines for drunk congressmen in D.C. _Rolling Stone_ (which is for geeks who watch Empty V) and _Playboy_.  I knew I had a chance when I gotthe _Playboy_ 
hot.  Then one day _Hustler_ sent out a letter and it said,  
"Would you consent to an in-depth personal interview?"  And I sent back to 'em
and said, "Only if you promise to make up some good lies to go in there with it"and they came back with, "OK, and we'll throw in some complimentary toll-free
Dial-an-Orgasm numbers," and I said, "One more thing," and they said, "What's
that?" and I said, "I won't do anything that violates my professional ethics,"
and they said, "Would you take off your pants for five bucks and let us take
pictures of you with seven 12-year old Watusi girls?" and I said "Yeah, but
only if it was in good taste."
   OK, I put it off long enough.  I know what you're all waiting for.  We all 
know what week this is.  I don't have to tell you where I'll be tonight.  It 
don't really seem line 10 years when you think about it, the time went so fast,
but here we are, talking decade.
   "Saw" is 10 years old today.
   They're bringing out "Texas Chain Saw Massacre" again, and it's the kind of
thing that's got everybody turning nostalgic and talking about the years before
we all sold out and got jobs at Wal-Mart.  A lot of beautiful things happened atthat flick.  I think we all remember exactly where we were when we first saw it,probly who we saw it with, how we felt the first time Franklyn eats the barbecuesausage, how o
r kidneys felt the first time Leatherface started hanging people
up on meathooks.
   We all have our favorite scenes in "Saw."  I guess mine is when the cannibal
family tries to feed Mayilyn Burns to Grandpa, but Grandpa's too weak to suck 
through a straw or lift his dinner hammer high enough to crush her brain into 
potato salad.  A lot of people like the Pam-in-the-deepfreeze scene, or the one
where Franklyn is running his wheelchair through the woods and _whining_ about
how he's a paraplegic and all of a sudden he gets a stomach massage with a Blackand Decker.
   Let's face it, Marylin Burns is the best screamer in the history of the drivein, and all this Jamie Lee Curtis cult worship don't hold water when you really
look at the evidence.  Also, Tobe Hooper made this sucker down in Austin, and   you notice he hasn't made jack since then cause they moved him indoors and 
forced him  to make crapola like "Poltergeist."  Gunnar Hansen?  He's up in 
Maine making pottery or something; Leatherface was his first, last and only 
performance, sort of like Margaret Mitchell writing "Gone With the Wind."  When
we talk "Saw," we're talking more talent in one place than any movie since
"Bloodthirsty Butchers."  In fact, this movie's so famous now they're gonna showit in walk-ins this week, even though in 1974 the walk-ins were too _good_ for
it.  Hell, they had to beg the _drive-ins_ to play the mother.  But that's what
happens in America.  You take a work of art and somebody decides they have to 
get rich off it.  They have to _pervert_ it for their own purpose.  I'm sorry, 
but when they start showing "Saw" in shopping malls I've got two words to say.
Puke City.
   Four stars forever.
   Check "Saw" out the way God meant for it to be seen, outdoors.

Copyright 1984 Los Angeles Times Syndicate