Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/17/84 chuqui version 1.7 9/23/84; site nsc.UUCP
Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!cmcl2!seismo!nsc!chuqui
From: chuqui@nsc.UUCP (Zonker T. Chuqui)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: FOTOS, intimacy in relationships
Message-ID: <1565@nsc.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 11-Oct-84 17:13:05 EDT
Article-I.D.: nsc.1565
Posted: Thu Oct 11 17:13:05 1984
Date-Received: Sat, 13-Oct-84 01:27:04 EDT
References: <241@pertec.UUCP>
Organization: The Warlocks Cave, Castrovalva
Lines: 32

> Back to my problem.  I have found over recent years that in my personal
> relationships that intimacy has been mistaken for sex, both in a positive
> and negative fashion (i.e. I wasn't suggesting anything by my wanting to
> cuddle, but 1) he took it as yes and went for it  2) he took it as 'she
> wants', and felt demanded upon).  Is there anything I could do to aliviate
> this?  Discussion hasn't always helped, and I fear in the second case
> I feel a possible distance growing.

Lots of things come to mind on this-- the possible reasons for this are
probably infinite and I've probably tripped over most of them at one time
or another. The immediate one I think of is simply hormones-- sometimes you
simply forget to think about things or the future implications. A lack of
understanding of the difference between intimacy and being intimate. A lack
of communication (sometimes it is really impossible to communicate ideas
properly, and you usually don't know you haven't until too late).
Differening definitions for things-- sometimes you use the same words and
they mean very different things. And sometimes the person you're involved
with simply doesn't have any idea what they really want, and it isn't until
they realize they've got the wrong thing that they know it. 

How to deal with it? Sometimes you can't. Sometimes you just back away and
try not to hurt yourself or the others as much as possible. Sometimes
talking helps, sometimes crying helps (it sometimes helps the talking-- for
some reason people seem a bit more willing to listen to someone crying--
perhaps they think you are serious about it then). Sometimes backing off a
bit and giving it space and time helps. Sometimes nothing helps. sigh.

-- 
From the Department of Bistromatics:                   Chuq Von Rospach
{cbosgd,decwrl,fortune,hplabs,ihnp4,seismo}!nsc!chuqui  nsc!chuqui@decwrl.ARPA

How about 'reason for living?'