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Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!decwrl!sunny
From: sunny@sun.uucp (Sunny Kirsten)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: FOTOS, intimacy in relationships
Message-ID: <1740@sun.uucp>
Date: Thu, 11-Oct-84 21:31:40 EDT
Article-I.D.: sun.1740
Posted: Thu Oct 11 21:31:40 1984
Date-Received: Tue, 16-Oct-84 05:36:32 EDT
References: <241@pertec.UUCP> <1565@nsc.UUCP>
Organization: Sun Microsystems, Inc.
Lines: 129

[Appologies for editing quotes to conserve space yet retain context]

> > intimacy has been mistaken for sex, both in a positive and negative fashion > > (i.e. I wasn't suggesting anything by my wanting to
> > cuddle, but 1) he took it as yes and went for it  2) he took it as 'she
> > wants', and felt demanded upon).  Is there anything I could do to aliviate
> > this?  Discussion hasn't always helped, and I fear in the second case
> > I feel a possible distance growing.
> 
> or another. The immediate one I think of is simply hormones-- sometimes you
> simply forget to think about things or the future implications. A lack of
> understanding of the difference between intimacy and being intimate. A lack
> of communication (sometimes it is really impossible to communicate ideas
> properly, and you usually don't know you haven't until too late).
> Differening definitions for things-- sometimes you use the same words and
> they mean very different things. And sometimes the person you're involved
> with simply doesn't have any idea what they really want, and it isn't until
> they realize they've got the wrong thing that they know it. 
> 
> How to deal with it? Sometimes you can't. Sometimes you just back away and
> try not to hurt yourself or the others as much as possible. Sometimes
> talking helps, sometimes crying helps (it sometimes helps the talking-- for
> some reason people seem a bit more willing to listen to someone crying--
> perhaps they think you are serious about it then). Sometimes backing off a
> bit and giving it space and time helps. Sometimes nothing helps. sigh.
> 

Oh this all ends on such a sad note.

It's really not all that bad.  A few simple principles are required though:
1)  Be honest.  Really?  Really.  I mean *really* honest.  *really*?  REALLY!
2)  Be selfish.  You can't give love to another person until you have a 
	surplus in the first place.  Where does that surplus come?  From
	loving yourself so much that you've got too much.  When you've
	thoroughly overindulged in selfishness, you'll get bored and want to
	start giving to other people.  It's ok to want what you want.
	Don't take denial from anyone, family, relatives, friends, aliens.
	You have the right to want and to have anything you want, within
	the restraints of the law, honor, honesty, decency, grace.
3)  Be selfless.  When someone comes to you and asks for something, give it
	to them if you at all can.  Most of all, welcome them with open arms
	and warm loving hugs.  It's important to have an agreed upon DMZ.
	(	De	-	Militarized	Zone	)
	Any relationship has it's up's and downs, but through it all, you
	need some safety and security.  There has to be some agreed-upon
	middle ground that's safe and secure for both persons.  Safe from
	sex, violence, anger, fear, engulfment, abandonment, etc.  If you
	can always count on the other person for a *silent* hug.  The problem
	is that words are not clear.  You just can't be in touch with all
	your feelings at once, much less express them all acurately in
	words.  There will be misunderstandings in communication.  That's
	why you have to both instantly be able to drop whatever you were doing,
	and go simultaneously into the DMZ, with mutual assurance and safety.
	The best way I know to do this is to hug.  A hug expresses caring.
	If you are silent, then there can be NO misunderstanding of that
	message.  By forcing and focusing the interaction onto one specific
	predefined activity as the safe DMZ we can better guarantee it's
	success at bringing true loving and caring back into the gestalt
	now of the interaction, to replace the anger, hurt, fear, resentment...
	by focusing on a non-verbal form of communication, and simply remaining
	silent until true peace has returned and you can both smile at each
	other, and be friends.  Hugs are safe from any sexual connotations.
	It must be made clear that a hug NEVER implies sexuality.  Period.
	There must be intimacy without ANY implied sexuality.  Hugs are
	intimacy.  Just make sure they're reserved to this sactified place.
	Teddy Bears help when there's no one there to really hug you.  If
	a hug with a person is worse than a hug with your Teddy Bear, then
	it's time to trade in your person on a different model.
4)  Be understanding.  Men and women, though equally wonderful and falable in
	their own ways, *are* different.  Hormones alone account for an
	entirely different outlook on life.  The male hormones promote
	agressiveness, both sexual and violent.  The female hormones promote
	emotionality, sensitivity.  The two sexes approach sexuality from
	opposite poles.  A woman focuses on the spiritual, sensual, and whole
	body aspects of sexuality and sensuality, while a male is much more
	focused on genitalia and orgasm.  The female is much less focused in
	time, in location of sensation, in rushing to reach orgasm.  A common
	failing is to rush intimate time, or dilute it with distractions.
	Sometimes you simply have to lock the rugrats in the coat lockers at
	the local bus terminal, and disconnect the phone, and turn off the
	TerminalVidiotbox.  Then you take the entire day to get in tune
	with each other slowly, serenely, spiritually.
5)  There are many levels of relationship.
	a)  strangers
	b)  acquaintences
	c)  relatives
	d)  friends
	e)  close friends ( signifigant other )
	f)  lovers	  ( sexual      other )
	g)  mate(s)	  ( a mate of the physical world )
	h)  soul mate(s)  ( a mate of the spiritual world )
6)  There are many levels of sexual relation.
	a)  physical
		(Fact:  the united states average insertion is 2.5 minutes)
	b)  extended sexual orgasm
		use of a meditative state during insertion to prolong relations
		to over an hour, with focus not on orgasm, but maintained
		elevated sensitivity and sensuality
	c)  spiritual
		not only do the bodies mate, the spirits melt together also.
		There is a true oneness of the mates, a joining of 2 spirits
		into one, just as is so often described in marriage vows, but
		so seldom found in practice.  ESO (6b above) is not required
		for this level, which is the ultimate in the spiritual plane,
		versus ESO, the ultimate in the physical plane.
		This is very difficult to describe, as I've only experienced
		this to such a depth with one mate.  If one is mindful of the
		true integral of the mating going on, one can maximize the
		spiritual energy being focussed into the bodies.  Much hugging,
		and keeping the two heart chakras facing each other (breast
		to breast (hmm. does favor "missionary" position)), and
		placing the mind's eyes (third eyes) together (forheads, for 
		you westerners) help focus spiritual energy into each others
		bodies, rather than letting it dissipate into the environment.
		A warm(thermally,emotionally,decoratively,sensually)environment.
7)  Expectations are the root of all evil.  
	a)	Never expect someone else to change for you.
			They won't.
	b)	Never expect someone to remain the same for you.
			They can't.  And you wouldn't want to be with someone
			whose growth had been stifled for as many years as
			you're going to be friends
	c)	Never expect anything, that way your feelings won't be hurt
		when you don't get it.  Love has to be giving, not demanding.
8)  No matter how bad it looks, you aren't *really* stuck in the lousy
	situation you now find yourself stuck in, no matter how much you
	rationalize that it will be worse if you leave.  It won't.  It can't.
	Every experience is full of lessons to be learned, growth opportunites.
-- 
{ucbvax,decvax,ihnp4}!sun!sunny (Sunny :-> Kirsten of Sun Microsystems Inc.)