Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/17/84 chuqui version 1.7 9/23/84; site nsc.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!cmcl2!seismo!nsc!chuqui From: chuqui@nsc.UUCP (Zonker T. Chuqui) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: FOTOS, intimacy in relationships Message-ID: <1565@nsc.UUCP> Date: Thu, 11-Oct-84 17:13:05 EDT Article-I.D.: nsc.1565 Posted: Thu Oct 11 17:13:05 1984 Date-Received: Sat, 13-Oct-84 01:27:04 EDT References: <241@pertec.UUCP> Organization: The Warlocks Cave, Castrovalva Lines: 32 > Back to my problem. I have found over recent years that in my personal > relationships that intimacy has been mistaken for sex, both in a positive > and negative fashion (i.e. I wasn't suggesting anything by my wanting to > cuddle, but 1) he took it as yes and went for it 2) he took it as 'she > wants', and felt demanded upon). Is there anything I could do to aliviate > this? Discussion hasn't always helped, and I fear in the second case > I feel a possible distance growing. Lots of things come to mind on this-- the possible reasons for this are probably infinite and I've probably tripped over most of them at one time or another. The immediate one I think of is simply hormones-- sometimes you simply forget to think about things or the future implications. A lack of understanding of the difference between intimacy and being intimate. A lack of communication (sometimes it is really impossible to communicate ideas properly, and you usually don't know you haven't until too late). Differening definitions for things-- sometimes you use the same words and they mean very different things. And sometimes the person you're involved with simply doesn't have any idea what they really want, and it isn't until they realize they've got the wrong thing that they know it. How to deal with it? Sometimes you can't. Sometimes you just back away and try not to hurt yourself or the others as much as possible. Sometimes talking helps, sometimes crying helps (it sometimes helps the talking-- for some reason people seem a bit more willing to listen to someone crying-- perhaps they think you are serious about it then). Sometimes backing off a bit and giving it space and time helps. Sometimes nothing helps. sigh. -- From the Department of Bistromatics: Chuq Von Rospach {cbosgd,decwrl,fortune,hplabs,ihnp4,seismo}!nsc!chuqui nsc!chuqui@decwrl.ARPA How about 'reason for living?'