Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site politik.UUCP
Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!decwrl!amd!dual!ptsfa!politik!paul
From: paul@politik.UUCP (Paul Vixie)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: A love and war story (long)
Message-ID: <16@politik.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 5-Oct-84 02:06:29 EDT
Article-I.D.: politik.16
Posted: Fri Oct  5 02:06:29 1984
Date-Received: Sun, 7-Oct-84 21:34:33 EDT
Organization: Clinton Reilly Campaigns, SF
Lines: 181

[Who 'ya gonna call?  BUG BUSTERS]

Hi there, all you net.singles fans.  At last I have my own little war story
to relate to you all; I hope you find my mistakes and learning experiences
enlightening and/or humorous:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

This relationship lasted from March-1982 to the present (October-1984).
The male was born in May-1963 and the female in August-1964, putting their
ages at 18-21 (male) and 17-20 (female).

The female instigated the relationship, although until enlightened, the male
thought *he* had (this is common).  The female wanted a very intense set-up,
with lots of time spent together and lots of commitment.  The male was
more distant, preferring the freedom he had known while unattached (these, too,
are also common).

The female wanted a classic, exclusive relationship; she also wanted long-term
commitment, preferrably with marriage as the long-term goal.  The 
male was a believer in Free Love as practiced in Robert Heinlein's more risque
books; he did not want to be exclusive or committed and thought of marriage as
a blight or plague.

The female suffered.  She put up with: long periods of neglect (sometimes
several consecutive weekends); lack of feelings of love/support from the male
(there were such, but not on par with her needs/desires); always fearing that
the relationship would terminate anytime soon.

The male suffered.  He put up with: long periods without "alone time" (some-
times several consecutive weekends); feeling of "clinginess" from the female;
always fearing that the relationship would last forever.

Communication was good; chemistry was good; sex was great.  The male had a
domination-complex; he had to be in control of the relationship.  The female
resented this, possibly because it reminded her of her father but certainly
because it was a rude trait and anybody would resent it.

The female was very emotional; she would display her feelings almost instantly,
always honestly.  The male was less free: his behaviour was governed by his
concepts of "reason" and "correctness"; emotions were carefully filtered, often
ignored if they did not "fit in".  Many emotions went unrecognized, but the
facilities for suppressing them grew very strong and quite automatic.  (This
is common).

The female eventually started hoping the relationship would end, because she
was not "getting back" as much as she was "putting in" *by a large margin*.
Even so, she always hoped that someday things would change, "work out", and
that marriage or other long-term commitment would result.

The male eventually started hoping the relationship would last forever, as
his suppressed emotions (love, mostly, in unfiltered form) started seeping
through and affecting him.  Even so, he always hoped the relationship would
end so he could get back to other, more important things.

Finally the female's dissatisfactions led her to make plans (exact nature
unknown) that would end the relationship under certain combinations of
conditions.  She didn't really want it to happen, but 2.5 years without
notable feedback (re: long-term commitment, etc.) was a *long time*.

Finally, the male's seeping emotions had him making plans so that the
relationship would become permanent under certain combinations of conditions.
He never completed these plans, since he didn't really agree (via his concepts
of reason and correctness) that emotion was a good motive.  He would change
his mind often, one day (or hour) desiring the end, the next desiring forever.
He decided that if one force eventually dominated the other, he would follow
it.  Alas, this was not a likely event given his shaky emotional interface,
and when this finally did happen it was too late.  But read on...

The female's combination of conditions finally occurred; she found someone
else more suitable to her needs, and informed the male of the new arrangement.

The male, of course, went bananas.  He quelled the surge of emotion which
occurred when he was told of the other male, but what leaked through did
some permanent damage.  He was able to stick to his Free Love guns; he
said "That's fine.  Is he a nice guy?", and "How does this change our
situation?", and "Please call me if you have any trouble adjusting to
this fellow; I am still available".  [Note: the male never actually put
any of his Free Love stuff to use for himself; he *was* exclusive, but he
just didn't want to have to *promise* to be.]  However, after the communication
was closed, he was unable to settle back into his routine.  His feelings about
the new situation changed every 15 or 30 seconds, not hourly.  His heart beat
a fast and heavy tune; his stomach was in knots; he could not sleep.  Finally
he wrote his feelings and the events causing them in his journal, and since
the night was almost over, he arose and went to work.

It finally occurred to him while en route to work to be angry: after all,
the female should have consulted him first!  She knew nothing of his other
plans!  He resolved to call her later and arrange to meet and talk.  However,
while he was performing a routine task at work that morning, he suddenly
burst into tears!  This was unheard of!  Where were his controls?  He had not
cried since age 12, you see.  It was a "weakness".  A half hour later it
happened again...  Major distress...  He had to talk to the female at once
and reverse this awful thing before it got too powerful to stop.  He arranged
the meeting, and sped hastily toward it (no speeding ticket, but nobody was
watching him).  He was frantic.  He finally met the female and said:
	"I can't face life without you.  Please undo this thing and let us
	try to work things out together - we have so much love and potential;
	we can work anything out".
And then he proceded to outline his complete agreement to the female's long-
held desire to a long-term commitment.  He was beyond ego, pride, reason,
control.... he would forsake *anything* to maintain the relationship; in fact,
he had learned from his tears that he wanted the female on the terms he had
often scoffed... *really wanted it*... "Exclusive, long-term."  He used
words and phrases that the female had often used, and he suddenly felt their
meaning, and knew that the female had indeed suffered greatly at his indiff-
erence.  He apologized profusely.

The female's reply:  "This is just barely too late, and maybe too early".
After a short while it became apparent that the female's mind was really made
up and that no change on his part would change that mind.  His sudden plunge
into the classical love he had often laughed at and derided was only more
pain for him.  He returned to his vehicle, closely followed by the female, to
his great surprise.  She wanted to comfort him, but he started sobbing again,
saying "I don't know what I'll do."  She said "I have to think about it".
He sobbed and moaned and cried for another 10 minutes, met the female once
more, asking "Please give me another chance.  I know we can make it work."
She said "I have to think about it."  He finally returned to work.  Unable
to concentrate, and feeling eviscerated(sp?), he went home early.  Sleep
was still impossible; food was impossible; everything in his home was very
depressing.  Everything everywhere was very depressing.  He eventually called
the female again, asking her help in transporting laundry (his car was
conveniently in the shop).  She arrived later, after minutes counted
singly or in twos by the waiting male - and this gets dull after an hour and a
half.

While the laundry was gurgitating, he spoke again, at length this time,
telling of his changed perspective, his sorrow and regret, his hopeful plans
for the future.  She was unmoved.  She said "I waited for you for 2.5 years.
All I can offer you now is friendship."  He spoke again, again at length,
suggesting alternatives such as freezing the situation until they could come
to an agreement, and returning to the previous status until she could verify
his changed nature.  His concern: if she started dating this new male, it
would be impossible to return to anything acceptable to him.  Her answer:
"No." and again "No."  Finally, frantically searching for things to slow
down this steady march of disaster, he asked certain pointed questions as
to when her mind had been made up and why.  His suspicion: the new male had had
something to do with it.  Her reply: "I'm not ready to talk about it."

Thus, the female was unwilling to return in any immediate way to the male,
at least as an SO.  Her suggestion that it may happen in the future was
not well met; the male was certain that he would not stand up well to the
knowledge of her new romantic interest.  He began to wonder how she could
have so suddenly divorced herself from the *very intense* feelings he had
been privileged to receive even three days previous.  He knew her well; he
expected at least a tear of remorse as he detailed his plans, so similar
to her onetime desires, and now hopelessly out of reach.  Nothing.  Utter
calm and coolness.

And So It Was that the female adopted the male's habit of suppressing
emotions, and the male learned at last from the female how to be straight
out with his feelings and to allow them the control they would eventually
get anyway.  A certain swap.  But for eachother only, or would these be
the new "emotional interfaces" for each of them as they faced the world?
Only Time Will Tell.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was just dropped off with my laundry a short while ago.  I have learned
of classic love, but too late to help the cause of that learning.  I have
learned of emotional honesty, both within myself and for public viewing.
I have perhaps united my "reasoning" and "feeling" identities so that I
will have a single nature, for a time at least.  Things look utterly dim
now, and Everything is still very depressing.  I know that I will live
beyond this experience, and that someday there will be another who I will
love as much.  I am up to my neck in grief, however, at the thought of
what Michelle and I could have shared, if I had learned these things
sooner or if she had been willing to try again.  I wonder what she feels?

So I will now face life alone again, for a time, and as I look around my
suddenly-very-empty-feeling house here, I think I will not like that one bit.
I was 2.5 years learning to love, and now the knowledge is going to make
things Pretty Damned Difficult.  I hope I do not forget or turn hard again.

	Paul Vixie

	sun!texsun     \
	ucbvax!mtxinu --> politik!paul
	dual!ptsfa     /

	"Life and love are both very real."