Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10 beta 3/9/83; site pertec.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!sdcsvax!sdcrdcf!hplabs!pesnta!pertec!kitten From: kitten@pertec.UUCP (karen hettinger) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: FOTOS, intimacy in relationships Message-ID: <241@pertec.UUCP> Date: Tue, 16-Oct-84 01:34:10 EDT Article-I.D.: pertec.241 Posted: Tue Oct 16 01:34:10 1984 Date-Received: Thu, 11-Oct-84 08:07:54 EDT Organization: Pertec Computer Corp., Irvine, CA Lines: 52 Someone mentioned the other day about FOTOS (Friend of the Opposite Sex), and I wished to comment on the subject on how it has affected me in my life, and ask for response and feedback on the net. I'm the youngest of three females, and was my father's last shot at having a boy. Well, Dad lost his 50-50 bet. Looking back, I see things that I did as a child to make up for it, without really realizing it. I wasn't really a tomboy, but I certainly was non-conformist. I was intersted in things boy were interested in...cars and airplanes and such, and these interests have carried over into adulthood. My desire to further my knowledge in technical fields, enjoying discussions, etc., has been filled by FOTOS's. I always found it easier to relate to men. We had so many common interests. Presently, most of my friends are men, and this dates back to when I first started in college ('77). A few of these relationships were intimate...and some were *also* intimate and physical (sexual). Whatever type of relationship it was, I found them all satifying and rewarding. Now as time has past, both old and newly established relationships have changed. Indeed, few here would argue that a sexual relationship with a caring close friend wouldn't be enjoyable. But now even more than in the past I find more to enjoy in intimacy than sex. The problem seems to lie in that the definition between sex and intimacy is blurred. In my book they are two intities that can and do go hand in hand well, but are not mutually exclusive. To me, intimacy is things like hugging just because, curling up with each other watching tv, falling asleep together watching tv :-) . Being together, touching each other, reassuring the other with a physical showing of the emotional bond. And lately there have been tests proving the benifits of embrace, on the physiological, emotional, and mental(spiritual) levels. They have said that women need hugs more than men. Well, I'm one of them. And I think men are that way only because of 'training'. Back to my problem. I have found over recent years that in my personal relationships that intimacy has been mistaken for sex, both in a positive and negative fashion (i.e. I wasn't suggesting anything by my wanting to cuddle, but 1) he took it as yes and went for it 2) he took it as 'she wants', and felt demanded upon). Is there anything I could do to aliviate this? Discussion hasn't always helped, and I fear in the second case I feel a possible distance growing. One thing I have *always felt and communicated to my FOTOS is that the friendship was the most important. If things changed and a physical realtionship was not desired by one or both, that it was the friendship that was first and foremost. Well, I don't know if my article says what I wanted to communicate best. This is my first personal addition to this newsgroup. I hope it touches off some good new discussion, and would like to request responses from ladies with similar experiences (most friends are FOTOS's). Thanks in advance. -- kitten~ {ucbvax!unisoft | scgvaxd | trwrb | felix}!pertec!kitten