Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site politik.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!decwrl!amd!dual!ptsfa!politik!paul From: paul@politik.UUCP (Paul Vixie) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: A love and war story (long) Message-ID: <16@politik.UUCP> Date: Fri, 5-Oct-84 02:06:29 EDT Article-I.D.: politik.16 Posted: Fri Oct 5 02:06:29 1984 Date-Received: Sun, 7-Oct-84 21:34:33 EDT Organization: Clinton Reilly Campaigns, SF Lines: 181 [Who 'ya gonna call? BUG BUSTERS] Hi there, all you net.singles fans. At last I have my own little war story to relate to you all; I hope you find my mistakes and learning experiences enlightening and/or humorous: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- This relationship lasted from March-1982 to the present (October-1984). The male was born in May-1963 and the female in August-1964, putting their ages at 18-21 (male) and 17-20 (female). The female instigated the relationship, although until enlightened, the male thought *he* had (this is common). The female wanted a very intense set-up, with lots of time spent together and lots of commitment. The male was more distant, preferring the freedom he had known while unattached (these, too, are also common). The female wanted a classic, exclusive relationship; she also wanted long-term commitment, preferrably with marriage as the long-term goal. The male was a believer in Free Love as practiced in Robert Heinlein's more risque books; he did not want to be exclusive or committed and thought of marriage as a blight or plague. The female suffered. She put up with: long periods of neglect (sometimes several consecutive weekends); lack of feelings of love/support from the male (there were such, but not on par with her needs/desires); always fearing that the relationship would terminate anytime soon. The male suffered. He put up with: long periods without "alone time" (some- times several consecutive weekends); feeling of "clinginess" from the female; always fearing that the relationship would last forever. Communication was good; chemistry was good; sex was great. The male had a domination-complex; he had to be in control of the relationship. The female resented this, possibly because it reminded her of her father but certainly because it was a rude trait and anybody would resent it. The female was very emotional; she would display her feelings almost instantly, always honestly. The male was less free: his behaviour was governed by his concepts of "reason" and "correctness"; emotions were carefully filtered, often ignored if they did not "fit in". Many emotions went unrecognized, but the facilities for suppressing them grew very strong and quite automatic. (This is common). The female eventually started hoping the relationship would end, because she was not "getting back" as much as she was "putting in" *by a large margin*. Even so, she always hoped that someday things would change, "work out", and that marriage or other long-term commitment would result. The male eventually started hoping the relationship would last forever, as his suppressed emotions (love, mostly, in unfiltered form) started seeping through and affecting him. Even so, he always hoped the relationship would end so he could get back to other, more important things. Finally the female's dissatisfactions led her to make plans (exact nature unknown) that would end the relationship under certain combinations of conditions. She didn't really want it to happen, but 2.5 years without notable feedback (re: long-term commitment, etc.) was a *long time*. Finally, the male's seeping emotions had him making plans so that the relationship would become permanent under certain combinations of conditions. He never completed these plans, since he didn't really agree (via his concepts of reason and correctness) that emotion was a good motive. He would change his mind often, one day (or hour) desiring the end, the next desiring forever. He decided that if one force eventually dominated the other, he would follow it. Alas, this was not a likely event given his shaky emotional interface, and when this finally did happen it was too late. But read on... The female's combination of conditions finally occurred; she found someone else more suitable to her needs, and informed the male of the new arrangement. The male, of course, went bananas. He quelled the surge of emotion which occurred when he was told of the other male, but what leaked through did some permanent damage. He was able to stick to his Free Love guns; he said "That's fine. Is he a nice guy?", and "How does this change our situation?", and "Please call me if you have any trouble adjusting to this fellow; I am still available". [Note: the male never actually put any of his Free Love stuff to use for himself; he *was* exclusive, but he just didn't want to have to *promise* to be.] However, after the communication was closed, he was unable to settle back into his routine. His feelings about the new situation changed every 15 or 30 seconds, not hourly. His heart beat a fast and heavy tune; his stomach was in knots; he could not sleep. Finally he wrote his feelings and the events causing them in his journal, and since the night was almost over, he arose and went to work. It finally occurred to him while en route to work to be angry: after all, the female should have consulted him first! She knew nothing of his other plans! He resolved to call her later and arrange to meet and talk. However, while he was performing a routine task at work that morning, he suddenly burst into tears! This was unheard of! Where were his controls? He had not cried since age 12, you see. It was a "weakness". A half hour later it happened again... Major distress... He had to talk to the female at once and reverse this awful thing before it got too powerful to stop. He arranged the meeting, and sped hastily toward it (no speeding ticket, but nobody was watching him). He was frantic. He finally met the female and said: "I can't face life without you. Please undo this thing and let us try to work things out together - we have so much love and potential; we can work anything out". And then he proceded to outline his complete agreement to the female's long- held desire to a long-term commitment. He was beyond ego, pride, reason, control.... he would forsake *anything* to maintain the relationship; in fact, he had learned from his tears that he wanted the female on the terms he had often scoffed... *really wanted it*... "Exclusive, long-term." He used words and phrases that the female had often used, and he suddenly felt their meaning, and knew that the female had indeed suffered greatly at his indiff- erence. He apologized profusely. The female's reply: "This is just barely too late, and maybe too early". After a short while it became apparent that the female's mind was really made up and that no change on his part would change that mind. His sudden plunge into the classical love he had often laughed at and derided was only more pain for him. He returned to his vehicle, closely followed by the female, to his great surprise. She wanted to comfort him, but he started sobbing again, saying "I don't know what I'll do." She said "I have to think about it". He sobbed and moaned and cried for another 10 minutes, met the female once more, asking "Please give me another chance. I know we can make it work." She said "I have to think about it." He finally returned to work. Unable to concentrate, and feeling eviscerated(sp?), he went home early. Sleep was still impossible; food was impossible; everything in his home was very depressing. Everything everywhere was very depressing. He eventually called the female again, asking her help in transporting laundry (his car was conveniently in the shop). She arrived later, after minutes counted singly or in twos by the waiting male - and this gets dull after an hour and a half. While the laundry was gurgitating, he spoke again, at length this time, telling of his changed perspective, his sorrow and regret, his hopeful plans for the future. She was unmoved. She said "I waited for you for 2.5 years. All I can offer you now is friendship." He spoke again, again at length, suggesting alternatives such as freezing the situation until they could come to an agreement, and returning to the previous status until she could verify his changed nature. His concern: if she started dating this new male, it would be impossible to return to anything acceptable to him. Her answer: "No." and again "No." Finally, frantically searching for things to slow down this steady march of disaster, he asked certain pointed questions as to when her mind had been made up and why. His suspicion: the new male had had something to do with it. Her reply: "I'm not ready to talk about it." Thus, the female was unwilling to return in any immediate way to the male, at least as an SO. Her suggestion that it may happen in the future was not well met; the male was certain that he would not stand up well to the knowledge of her new romantic interest. He began to wonder how she could have so suddenly divorced herself from the *very intense* feelings he had been privileged to receive even three days previous. He knew her well; he expected at least a tear of remorse as he detailed his plans, so similar to her onetime desires, and now hopelessly out of reach. Nothing. Utter calm and coolness. And So It Was that the female adopted the male's habit of suppressing emotions, and the male learned at last from the female how to be straight out with his feelings and to allow them the control they would eventually get anyway. A certain swap. But for eachother only, or would these be the new "emotional interfaces" for each of them as they faced the world? Only Time Will Tell. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was just dropped off with my laundry a short while ago. I have learned of classic love, but too late to help the cause of that learning. I have learned of emotional honesty, both within myself and for public viewing. I have perhaps united my "reasoning" and "feeling" identities so that I will have a single nature, for a time at least. Things look utterly dim now, and Everything is still very depressing. I know that I will live beyond this experience, and that someday there will be another who I will love as much. I am up to my neck in grief, however, at the thought of what Michelle and I could have shared, if I had learned these things sooner or if she had been willing to try again. I wonder what she feels? So I will now face life alone again, for a time, and as I look around my suddenly-very-empty-feeling house here, I think I will not like that one bit. I was 2.5 years learning to love, and now the knowledge is going to make things Pretty Damned Difficult. I hope I do not forget or turn hard again. Paul Vixie sun!texsun \ ucbvax!mtxinu --> politik!paul dual!ptsfa / "Life and love are both very real."