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From: lfs@lzmi.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: What is sensitivity good for anyway?
Message-ID: <258@lzmi.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 9-Oct-84 13:50:07 EDT
Article-I.D.: lzmi.258
Posted: Tue Oct  9 13:50:07 1984
Date-Received: Wed, 10-Oct-84 04:55:35 EDT
Organization: AT&T Information Systems, Lincroft, NJ
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> I agree with Chuqui on one point, anyway: both sexes are fond of abusing the 
> trust of the other.  I fact, I'm afraid that men are probably more often at
> fault, especially where the woman is financially dependent on her man.  Men
> are just more likely to be able to destroy a relationship and then walk
> away, especially when it comes to economics and social support.

FLAME ON
I don't know how much objectivity I have on this subject, but when it comes
to economics, social support, and custody - fault has very little to do
with who gets what.  Kramer vs. Kramer not withstanding, if a woman destroys
a marital relationship she is still going to get custody and support
whether she earned it or not.  And generally speaking, her social network
is more developed - so she gets more social support, too.  Even in this day
and age.  The man gets nothing in the divorce except independence
and the woman gets that too.
FLAME OFF

>> My experience is that the more immature and self-centered someone is, the
>> more they are likely to experience a breakup as ``getting their teeth
>> kicked in.''  Often there is no one to blame, but an immature person needs
>> to find blame, and needs to exorcize the feeling of rejection by fixing
>> that blame solely on the other person.  Breaking up hurts--no doubt about
>> that--but this hurt does not mean one has been emotionally assaulted.

I don't think blame is the question, there is, hopefully, a learning
experience in divorce.  From that standpoint it is necessary to determine
(1) what you did to contribute to the breakup - so that you can correct
the problem or at least minimize it in future relationships and
(2) what was bad in the combination - so that you can avoid similar choices
of mates in the future.

Admittedly, there are times that this introspection breaks down into
very unpleasant name calling, blaming, fuming, etc.  But then there
is generally hostility when people's emotions, family, and support are being
ripped apart - and the hostility has to be vented (i.e. remember the FRAM
commercial, "you can pay me now, or you can pay me later").  What you
see as immature exorcism, may actually be a very necessary venting
of hostility.  (I realize none of us on the net ever find that
necessary, since we are always logical and control our emotions
with an impeccable and balanced view of life.)      :-)

Logic is extremely useful when you are trying to pick up the pieces,
but there should be some recognition that some problems are really
emotional and as such require that you deal with them on an emotional
level.  Ever notice how much better you feel after a good cry -
where's the logic in that - you haven't actually solved the problem,
but you still feel better.  Hopefully later you'll solve the problem.

							Larry
							pegasus!mi!lfs