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From: kitten@pertec.UUCP (karen hettinger)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: FOTOS, intimacy in relationships
Message-ID: <241@pertec.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 16-Oct-84 01:34:10 EDT
Article-I.D.: pertec.241
Posted: Tue Oct 16 01:34:10 1984
Date-Received: Thu, 11-Oct-84 08:07:54 EDT
Organization: Pertec Computer Corp., Irvine, CA
Lines: 52

Someone mentioned the other day about FOTOS (Friend of the Opposite Sex),
and I wished to comment on the subject on how it has affected me in my
life, and ask for response and feedback on the net.

I'm the youngest of three females, and was my father's last shot at having
a boy.  Well, Dad lost his 50-50 bet.  Looking back, I see things that I
did as a child to make up for it, without really realizing it.  I wasn't
really a tomboy, but I certainly was non-conformist.  I was intersted in
things boy were interested in...cars and airplanes and such, and these
interests have carried over into adulthood.  My desire to further my
knowledge in technical fields, enjoying discussions, etc., has been
filled by FOTOS's.  I always found it easier to relate to men.  We had
so many common interests.  Presently, most of my friends are men, and
this dates back to when I first started in college ('77).  A few of these
relationships were intimate...and some were *also* intimate and physical
(sexual).  Whatever type of relationship it was, I found them all satifying
and rewarding.  Now as time has past, both old and newly established
relationships have changed.  Indeed, few here would argue that a sexual
relationship with a caring close friend wouldn't be enjoyable.  But now
even more than in the past I find more to enjoy in intimacy than sex.

The problem seems to lie in that the definition between sex and intimacy
is blurred.  In my book they are two intities that can and do go hand in
hand well, but are not mutually exclusive.  To me, intimacy is things
like hugging just because, curling up with each other watching tv,
falling asleep together watching tv  :-) .  Being together, touching
each other, reassuring the other with a physical showing of the emotional
bond.  And lately there have been tests proving the benifits of embrace,
on the physiological, emotional, and mental(spiritual) levels.  They
have said that women need hugs more than men.  Well, I'm one of them.
And I think men are that way only because of 'training'.

Back to my problem.  I have found over recent years that in my personal
relationships that intimacy has been mistaken for sex, both in a positive
and negative fashion (i.e. I wasn't suggesting anything by my wanting to
cuddle, but 1) he took it as yes and went for it  2) he took it as 'she
wants', and felt demanded upon).  Is there anything I could do to aliviate
this?  Discussion hasn't always helped, and I fear in the second case
I feel a possible distance growing.  One thing I have *always felt and
communicated to my FOTOS is that the friendship was the most important.
If things changed and a physical realtionship was not desired by one or
both, that it was the friendship that was first and foremost.

Well, I don't know if my article says what I wanted to communicate best.
This is my first personal addition to this newsgroup.  I hope it touches
off some good new discussion, and would like to request responses from
ladies with similar experiences (most friends are FOTOS's).  Thanks in
advance.

-- 
	kitten~
	{ucbvax!unisoft | scgvaxd | trwrb | felix}!pertec!kitten