Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site stat-l Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!mgnetp!ihnp4!inuxc!pur-ee!CS-Mordred!Pucc-H:Pucc-I:Stat-L:ab3 From: ab3@stat-l (Rsk the Wombat) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Supplies for End-of-the-World Party Message-ID: <85@stat-l> Date: Mon, 4-Jun-84 20:00:34 EDT Article-I.D.: stat-l.85 Posted: Mon Jun 4 20:00:34 1984 Date-Received: Wed, 6-Jun-84 06:02:24 EDT Organization: Pucc Unix Systems Group Lines: 108 Since I can't make it to the Big Bash, I thought I'd provide this checklist for those of you who are going, in order to make sure that you're properly prepared. 1 Tennis Racket Since Chuq lives in a cave, you'll probably want to keep this handy to swat the bats if they get pesky. Those of you who wish to play improvisational tennis in this manner should be forewarned that it is extremely difficult to dink a bat. 1 Stage Smoke Generator (Heavy Metal Size) 1 Sunn Coliseum Lead Amplifier 1 Fur-covered Fender Guitar 10 Supertrooper Spotlights With Filters 1 Pair Sequined Leather Pants 1 Frederick's of Hollywood See-through Blouse or 1 Hell's Angels Leather Vest 1 Wig, Red-and-Blue Checkered 1 Set Bizarre Jewelry 1 Set Generic Unrelated Props, including a cow, a slick sports car, a blast furnace, four thousand ping pong balls, a lipstick case, a candle, a telephone and so forth. These will undoubtably be of value during the production of the video. It is suggested that you practice the following facial expressions as well: pout, snarl, ecstatic scream, leer. 1 Stinger Mark VII Surface-to-Air Missile Just in case those wild and crazy guys, the Iranian army, get carried away and try to crash the party (perhaps mistaking it for an Iraqui refinery). 1 Nametag, Pre-labeled This is not for the benefit of the other guests, who will either forget your name, or not learn it to begin with; this is just in case you have that one extra drink, and forget just who you think you are. 1 Portable Waterbed 1 Bottle Chateau Lafitte '59 2 Wineglasses (clean) 1 Candle (Red) 1 Recording of Ravel's "Bolero" 4000 Contraceptives of your choice or 1 Notarized Copy of Hospital Bill for Appropriate Surgical Procedure Well, one must do *something* during those lulls in the action. In dire circumstances, you may substitute Copland's "Fanfare for the Comman Man". Anyone bringing Riunite will be shot on sight. 1 Acme ("Love that Coyote") Electric Foghorn. Very useful for warding off any stray oceanliners, racing yachts, or supertankers that might happen to be in the pool. Doubles as a brontosaurus lure. 1 "My Name's Friday--I Carry a Badge" police disguise kit Just in case the place gets raided, slip into this and say things like "Take them out front", and "Take them out back", and "Take them out the side door"; and then calmly walk away from the bust. 1 Caterpillar Tractor D-10 Track-Type Bulldozer This will be useful for a number of things; clearing your way through the massed guests, cleaning up spills, removing walls which block nice vistas, and freeing up a parking spot. 1 Small Grove Orange Trees, 1 Small Grove Lemon Trees, 1 Small Grove Lime Trees, 1 Tomato Garden, 1/2 Salt Mine, 1 50-gallon Drum Tabasco, 3 Railroad Tank Cars (Canada Dry Ginger Ale, Coca-Cola & Seven-Up), 40 Bushels Celery Stalks, 1 Truckload Swizzle Sticks, 2 Tons Doritos, 5 Wheelbarrows Mixed Nuts, 100 pounds Triscuits, 1 Refrigerator Assorted Cheeses Chances are that the rate of alcoholic beverage consumption will increase exponentially; there will certainly be no problem with the supply of the alcohol, considering the hosts for the party; however, it is likely that the local supply of mixers and other additives will be rapidly exhausted, including every 7-11 from Chula Vista to Eureka. The above-mentioned supplies may be somewhat difficult to transport, unless one is careful to also have the following item: 1 Saturn Five Ground Tranport Vehicle. This makes it relatively easy to transport the above supplies. An additional feature is that the house, gardens, pool, and nude beach may all be loaded on with room to spare. This is necessary to prevent the so-called "Party Dislocation Syndrome"; since all reasonable estimates place the 6 9 duration of the party between 4 x 10 and 6 x 10 years, the GTV may be used to keep the location of the affair constant; thus compensating for continental drift and other spurious motions. -- Rsk the Wombat UUCP: { allegra, decvax, ihnp4, harpo, teklabs, ucbvax } !pur-ee!rsk { cornell, eagle, hplabs, ittvax, lanl-a, ncrday } !purdue!rsk