Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 (Tek) 9/26/83; site tektronix.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!hou3c!hocda!houxm!houxz!vax135!cornell!uw-beaver!tektronix!moiram From: moiram@tektronix.UUCP (Moira Mallison ) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: marriage, desperation et al Message-ID: <2732@tektronix.UUCP> Date: Fri, 8-Jun-84 16:07:28 EDT Article-I.D.: tektronix.2732 Posted: Fri Jun 8 16:07:28 1984 Date-Received: Sun, 10-Jun-84 00:30:02 EDT Organization: Tektronix, Beaverton OR Lines: 56 Apologies to Jeff Sargent if my speculations here are erroneous, but I can't help connecting the statements about insecurities, 'not feeling like a real man', all the other 'stuff' which you say is a by-product of your parents' divorce and the statements about marriage for life. Well, Jeff, I'm here to tell you that a lot of my 'stuff' comes from the relationship my parents had as I was growing up...and they didn't get divorced. They thought about it long and hard through most of my adolescence and chose to remain married because 1) the marriage vow is sacred, and 2) they each preferred the company of the other to the prospect of going it alone. From the outside looking in, it was a *good* marriage. My parents were openly affectionate with each other and us. They frequently spent an hour or so after dinner together, alone, talking (woe to the kid who knocked on the bedroom door without a damn good reason...they SAID they were talking :-). There was not a lot of fighting. They seemed to support each other in pursuing separate and common interests. On the other hand, even at 12 and 13, I knew something wasn't right: my mother was in a powerless position, and my father continuously and sub- consciously undermined what personal power she did have. It didn't look like a lot of fun to me, and my feministic leanings, my insecurities about relationships with men, and some excess pounds stem from my protecting myself in the only way I knew how from getting into that situation myself. My mother's feelings on this matter were confirmed about six months ago when I was moaning and groaning about not having an SO, and how I couldn't hope to have a relationship with a man that was as good as hers & Dad's. She shared with me some of what she had given up to maintain the status quo; that the marriage was not as idyllic as I was thinking on a conscious level. That some of the powerlessness I saw on a less conscious level was real. I dont judge their actions...it was their decision to make, and they are willing to live with the consequences...but I can't help but think that my life would have been different if my mother had been more sure of herself, had presented me with a stronger, more powerful role model, had had the courage to 'go it alone' and left my father. (I would have had a different set of hang-ups...and they might have been a whole lot more boring :-). I would hope that if and/or when I get in the position of considering marriage, both of us would be committed enough to want to really work on making a marriage work. But to be realistic, or perhaps just cynical, there aren't any guarantees, and I'm not going to keep trying when it seems clear that the relationship wont work anymore. Besides, if there is an agreement to stay with it come hell or high water, doesn't that leave a lot of room for taking the other person for granted? If I don't make that choice each and every day, where's the joy in the remaining married...even my parents were conscious of that choice. Moira Mallison tektronix!moiram