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From: nathanm@hp-pcd.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: New Anti-Smoking Device
Message-ID: <7300012@hp-pcd.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 21-Jun-84 16:00:00 EDT
Article-I.D.: hp-pcd.7300012
Posted: Thu Jun 21 16:00:00 1984
Date-Received: Tue, 26-Jun-84 06:25:29 EDT
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Portable Computer Division - Corvallis, OR
Lines: 56
Nf-ID: #N:hpcvre:7300012:000:2282
Nf-From: hpcvre!nathanm    Jun 21 15:00:00 1984

The Department of Health, Education and Welfare has announced
plans to develop a new, sophisticated system designed to reduce
smoking in the workplace.  Dubbed "Water Wars", it is based on
the Reagan "Star Wars" anti-ballistic defense strategy.

The system is designed to create a "shield of invulnerability"
around non-smoking areas.  Through sophisticated sensors based
in desks, in water fountains and hanging from lighting fixtures,
the system will detect burning ash as it approaches the sensitive
area.  When intrusion is imminent, a carefully aimed heat-seeking
water projectile will disable the offending hardware with
minimal loss of human life and buildings.

In accordance with OSHA directives, the system will be designed
to use as much of existing sprinkler systems as is practical.

--

A spokesman for the United Insurers of America, a lobby representing
the insurance industry, indicated that the probable effect
of the new system would be lower health insurance costs and
complete suspension of the water damage clause in building
insurance.

Water Cannon Enterprises, a defense contractor based in Secaucus,
NJ, has indicated its support for the plan and provided hundreds of
pages of feasibility studies.

House Speaker Thomas ("Tip") O'Neill has expressed strong support
for the project in the form proposed by the Massachusetts-based 
Technisplash Corporation.

The proposed system is not, however, without its detractors.

The United Auto Workers union has expressed strong opposition
to the plan based on early field tests conducted near spot-welding
machines at several sites in Detroit.

A California-based lobbying group headed by Howard Jarvis, "Citizens
for Self-Determinization", has also expressed strong opposition
to using tax dollars to fund a project that will deprive so many
Americans of such an important civil right.

--

The project is currently being shuffled between the House Water 
Resources subcommittee, the Health subcommittee and the Senate
Armed Services committee.  It is expected to come to the floor
shortly as an amendment to the pending trade agreement with
the Peoples Republic of China.

-----------------------------------------------------

Nathan Meyers, hp-pcd!nathanm
Jim Donnelly, hp-pcd!jimd
and a cast of other squirts