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From: apple@ihuxn.UUCP (Randy Applegate)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Staying friends with an ex--followup and summary.
Message-ID: <709@ihuxn.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 4-Jun-84 19:18:09 EDT
Article-I.D.: ihuxn.709
Posted: Mon Jun  4 19:18:09 1984
Date-Received: Wed, 6-Jun-84 04:49:50 EDT
Organization: AT&T Bell Labs, Naperville, IL
Lines: 58



I'd like to thank the people who took the time to contribute their
comments, opinions, and personal experiences (both via mail and net
articles) in response to my original posting.  I will try to summarize
the responses and highlight what I thought were pertinent and interesting
points (i.e., ones I agree with).

     1. Just because everything someone says indicates they know a
        relationship isn't really going anywhere, it isn't at all
	safe to assume they are ready to give up or back off on it.
	You may be surprised to find that they are hurt far more
        than you might think by the news that you want a change.

     2. Usually the person who did not instigate the breakup is more
        reluctant to keep in touch--not surprising, our egos being the
	fragile things they are.  Seeing the other person may serve as
	a constant reminder of rejection, no matter how gentle, so a
	period of total separation will very likely be necessary.
	After the hurt heals, hopefully the person will remember the
	good things about the relationship and decide they want to get
	back in touch.  Unfortunately, it also seems likely they may
	decide it is easiest not to stir up old feelings.  Therefore,
	a card or phone call once in a while to let the person know
	you still care might be a good idea.

     3. By far the most important thing is DON'T PUSH!  If efforts to
        keep in touch only upset the injured party, nothing good will
	come of it, you only reopen old wounds.  Patience is the most
	important thing, and alas, I see now the the wait for wounds
        like this to heal is measured not in a few weeks or months,
	but in many months or even years.

     4. There is no hard and fast rule about whether things will work
        out or not.  Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.  Most
	people seemed to think that it was at least worth trying.

One or two respondents thought the effort to maintain a friendship
was hopeless and even pathetic (quote: a sad way of clinging on
to something that is finished; unquote).  To those people, thanks for
those comments, but to you I say: plotz!  If things don't
work out in a few years, then I will reluctantly give up, but:

   1. I have one former SO who is this day a close friend;

   2. If what you say is true, then anytime you fall in love with
      a friend, you must either
         a) end up married to them, or
         b) face the eventual loss of that friend forever.

      Sorry, but I just don't buy it!

Thanks again to all who responded.
-- 

				Randy Applegate
				AT&T Bell Laboratories
				..ihuxn!apple