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From: rlr@pyuxn.UUCP (Rich Rosen)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: RE: New Sexual Technique
Message-ID: <477@pyuxn.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 24-Feb-84 13:40:09 EST
Article-I.D.: pyuxn.477
Posted: Fri Feb 24 13:40:09 1984
Date-Received: Sat, 25-Feb-84 08:11:59 EST
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Organization: Central Services Org., Piscataway N.J.
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Some important updates on the "new sexual technique":

1.  The Pope has banned use of this particular sexual technique
	among practicing Catholics, since it obviously subverts
	the notion of sex for the sole purpose of procreation.
	However, non-practicing Catholics (i.e., those who have
	the technique down cold and don't need any practice) may
	employ this technique, as long as a *real* watermelon is
	used (artificial watermelons are still frowned upon by the
	church).

2.  Because of the inherent dangers of employing this technique in
	open places, prominent sexologists, including Dr. Ruth
	Westheimer, have published warnings in their newspaper
	columns and on their radio/TV shows, informing people of
	the dangers of using this technique out in the open.
	Aside from the reactions of onlookers (embarrassment, disgust,
	confusion), there is the everpresent danger of mosquitoes,
	who are attracted to the scent of the pineapple/apricot lotion
	used on the giraffe.  Also, the rubber garments do not provide
	enough insulation in cold weather, and provide too much
	insulation in warm weather, thus making the whole process
	rather difficult and cumbersome when done outdoors.

3.  Since a number of people have had problems the first time they try
	to use this technique, and since more than a few have gotten
	themselves into positions and predicaments they were unable to
	extricate themselves from (including many who consider themselves
	experienced in this technique), we recommend you have the
	following items within arm's reach (or foot's reach, if necessary)
	when attempting "the technique":

	1)  a can of 3-in-1 oil
	2)  an acetylene torch
	3)  a Boy Scout handbook
	4)  2 packages of powdered milk
	5)  the telephone number of an experienced (and discreet) plumber
	6)  a telephone
	7)  a flashlight
	8)  2 toothbrushes (1 soft bristles, 1 hard bristles)
	9)  7 tubes of Prell shampoo
	10) 3 cans of Spam, Vegemite, or Marmite
	11) an inflatable rubber raft
	12) a knife (to cut the watermelon---only in emergencies!!)
	13) a shoehorn
	14) another shoehorn
	15) a pre-written note to pin to the giraffe (to send him off for help)
	16) a Jerry Vale record
	17) the cardboard from a package of Twinkies
	18) another shoehorn

I should add that this is one case where even Dr. Ruth refrains from her
usual warning to all of her callers to be sure to use contraceptives.
"Vair vood joo poot zem ven jure dooink zumpsink like ziss tekneeek??
Zuh giraffe doozint need vun.  Unt zerrrtinly nott zuh vattermelloon!"
-- 
Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway oh, god, I'm so depressed...
	Rich Rosen    pyuxn!rlr