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From: jab@uokvax.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Duck and Cover! - (nf)
Message-ID: <6159@uiucdcs.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 13-Mar-84 03:50:35 EST
Article-I.D.: uiucdcs.6159
Posted: Tue Mar 13 03:50:35 1984
Date-Received: Thu, 15-Mar-84 01:01:17 EST
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#N:uokvax:7500132:000:3541
uokvax!jab    Mar 10 11:33:00 1984

A friend recently wrote a paper on the importance of the duck in the past.
If you don't object, I'd like to pass it on.

	The Duck in History and Fable

	(by Rory MacLeod)

A woefully neglected area in the study of history is the relationship
between man and duck.  The duck has not always been the humble denizen
of the farmpond that he is today; the duck has been one of the leading
shapers of culture and history. Throughout history, ducks have been
fierce warrios, great scholars, and desirable guests. Nobles of all
lands have traditionally reserved table space for the lordly duck.

The formost duck of fable is, of course, Sir Caraduck. Legend has it
that Caraduck appeared at Castle Terrabyl early one morning, and
challenged Kind Arthur to tilt. Arthur, having titled a few too many
the night before[1], dispatched the Knights of the Round Table to deal
with this "upstart duck". A fearsome battle ensued, in which Caraduck
unhorsed thirty knights, and so annoyed Sir Lancelot that he could
never endure the presence of a duck thereafter[2]. Arthur, impressed
with Caraduck's prowess, invited Caraduck to feast. During the feast,
a treacherous knight seized Caraduck and carried him off to Durance
Vile[3]. There Sir Caraduck was placed beneath a barn door, on which
great rocks were piled. So great was the weird of the rocks that
Caraduck was pressed [4] through the earth, emerging in Cathay. The
dashing and intrepid Caraduck soon became the favorite of the
Emperor's Courtg, a position he enjoyed until one fateful day when he
was found boring a peephole in the wall of the Empess's bathhouse[5].
The enraged palace guard seized Caraduck, stripped him, and roasted
him over a slow fire.

Second in ferocity only to Caraduck is the Dread Viking Attch Duck.
Bread for battle by the Jarls of Scandinavia, the Attack Duck in his
beserk rage was the epitome of avain pique. The Attack Duck, in his
scaleshirt and conical helm, with his round shield and long-handled
saucepan at the ready, could, it seems, only achieve an altitude of
about five feet, and thus posed a serious hazard to anyone standing
erect. The waves of attack ducks accompanying Harold Hardaade's
invasion of England in 1066 so terrorized the army of England that to
this day English speakers still prostrate themselves at the cry "duck!"

At least one attack duck achieved Valhalla, where he severly angered a
hungover Thor. It is recorded that the bleary-eyed thunder god later
savaged a valkery; he had mistaken her winged helm and waddling figure
for the profile of the offending duck.

In a little know incident, the great Thomas More held discourse with a
duck. More, which in Durance Vil[6] prior to his execution fell into
conversation with a passing teal. The duck inquired as to Thomas'
state of mind; More replied that he had hope. "Well," replied the
fowl, "Duck's clothes is down, but hope's is up." "Just what I need,"
replied More, "A down conforter."

Footnotes

[1] Possibly the origin of the phrase "For the morning after, a
Terrabyl knight..."
[2] Prof. Percy Smythason-Jones theorizes that Lancelot's subsequent
darkness was triggered by the discovery that he was sleeping upon a
down matress.
[3] A small village near the Welsh border.
[4] The first recorded Pressed Duck.
[5] The "Peking Duck" incident.
[6] The aforementioned small village in Wales. For a more complete
discussion of the impact of this town on history and literature, see
my article "Durance Vile: Escape from Farm Life in the Middle Ages."

---

	Jeff Bowles
	Lisle, IL