Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site pyuxn.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!floyd!whuxle!spuxll!abnjh!u1100a!pyuxn!rlr From: rlr@pyuxn.UUCP (Rich Rosen) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: RE: New Sexual Technique Message-ID: <477@pyuxn.UUCP> Date: Fri, 24-Feb-84 13:40:09 EST Article-I.D.: pyuxn.477 Posted: Fri Feb 24 13:40:09 1984 Date-Received: Sat, 25-Feb-84 08:11:59 EST References: <512@aplvax.UUCP> <13300001@hpfclg.UUCP> Organization: Central Services Org., Piscataway N.J. Lines: 58 Some important updates on the "new sexual technique": 1. The Pope has banned use of this particular sexual technique among practicing Catholics, since it obviously subverts the notion of sex for the sole purpose of procreation. However, non-practicing Catholics (i.e., those who have the technique down cold and don't need any practice) may employ this technique, as long as a *real* watermelon is used (artificial watermelons are still frowned upon by the church). 2. Because of the inherent dangers of employing this technique in open places, prominent sexologists, including Dr. Ruth Westheimer, have published warnings in their newspaper columns and on their radio/TV shows, informing people of the dangers of using this technique out in the open. Aside from the reactions of onlookers (embarrassment, disgust, confusion), there is the everpresent danger of mosquitoes, who are attracted to the scent of the pineapple/apricot lotion used on the giraffe. Also, the rubber garments do not provide enough insulation in cold weather, and provide too much insulation in warm weather, thus making the whole process rather difficult and cumbersome when done outdoors. 3. Since a number of people have had problems the first time they try to use this technique, and since more than a few have gotten themselves into positions and predicaments they were unable to extricate themselves from (including many who consider themselves experienced in this technique), we recommend you have the following items within arm's reach (or foot's reach, if necessary) when attempting "the technique": 1) a can of 3-in-1 oil 2) an acetylene torch 3) a Boy Scout handbook 4) 2 packages of powdered milk 5) the telephone number of an experienced (and discreet) plumber 6) a telephone 7) a flashlight 8) 2 toothbrushes (1 soft bristles, 1 hard bristles) 9) 7 tubes of Prell shampoo 10) 3 cans of Spam, Vegemite, or Marmite 11) an inflatable rubber raft 12) a knife (to cut the watermelon---only in emergencies!!) 13) a shoehorn 14) another shoehorn 15) a pre-written note to pin to the giraffe (to send him off for help) 16) a Jerry Vale record 17) the cardboard from a package of Twinkies 18) another shoehorn I should add that this is one case where even Dr. Ruth refrains from her usual warning to all of her callers to be sure to use contraceptives. "Vair vood joo poot zem ven jure dooink zumpsink like ziss tekneeek?? Zuh giraffe doozint need vun. Unt zerrrtinly nott zuh vattermelloon!" -- Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway oh, god, I'm so depressed... Rich Rosen pyuxn!rlr