Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1a 7/7/83; site rlgvax.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!seismo!rlgvax!tom From: tom@rlgvax.UUCP Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Freezing under pressure -- the replies Message-ID: <892@rlgvax.UUCP> Date: Mon, 25-Jul-83 17:54:39 EDT Article-I.D.: rlgvax.892 Posted: Mon Jul 25 17:54:39 1983 Date-Received: Tue, 26-Jul-83 23:26:13 EDT Organization: CCI Office Systems Group, Reston, VA Lines: 232 A while back I sent out a message asking for help for a friend for whom nervousness and tension under pressure were a problem. She felt that these obstacles were interfering with such things as job hunting, meeting friends, etc. The response was very good, and I would like to thank everyone who lent their views and suggestions. I have consolidated them here for everyone else who may be looking for tidbits of help in this area. I have eliminated the usual heading garbage, as well as any identification of individual authors, so they might remain anonomous. Each response is separated by a line of '='s. - Tom Beres {seismo, allegra, brl-bmd, mcnc, we13}!rlgvax!tom ======================================= this isn't much help for informal stuff, but helping the person reherse his/her lines beforehand can be a big help. going over something with friends first makes it an awful lot easier to do it in front of strangers (this from personal experience). ======================================= Take the Dale Carnegie Course on Effective Speaking and Human Relations. It's about 400 - 500 dollars, so it's best if the company can send her. It really helps. ================================= Hello, Your friend sounds just like me. I now do very well in work situations, public speaking, etc., to the extent that I have been complimented by members of the audience on my speaking. The trick is this: Become someone else. (A bit of explaination is in order.....) It is possible to change one's mind set to acquire psychological characteristics different from the ones you usually have. You must spend a certain amount of time "psyching yourself up"; simply imagine, quite strongly, that you have those attributes. This takes concentration and energy, and is an *unstable* system; i.e., when you relax, you go back to your old self. I first used this system when I had to teach a graduate physics class. In that case I first became completely familiar with the material. That was necessary so that the self image I was building up wouldn't fall apart at the first question. After all, I was a completely self-confident expert in the field, whose motive in teaching was to impart knowledge, as clearly and concisely as possible, to those who knew less than I did; not knowing the answer to a reasonable question would kill the self-image. The next occasion I had to use this was during job interviews. I had to sell myself as a competent, self-confident, friendly person. These occasions took a great deal of energy, since the image had to be held for entire days, often when I was already tired from traveling. I now make regular use of this technique for occasions when I have to speak in front of large groups of people. NOTE BENE: This system a) Gets easier with practice. b) Works only if you *want* to temporarily acquire the attributes you are setting up for yourself; you can't get very far if you are fighting yourself. c) Can have permanent effects: if the attributes you practice are those you discover you want to keep on a permanent basis, you will discover yourself keeping them. You may find them slipping slightly under periods of extreme emotional stress, but they come back. d) Does require a great deal of psychological energy; you are, after all, pushing yourself out of the mold you *now* see yourself in, even if only temporarily. e) There is a definite relationship among points a, b, c, and d above, having to do with the nature of your own reality and the influence of beliefs on reality. You are what you think you are, and you can change yourself if you can change your beliefs about youself: temporarily if it is a short propaganda job; permanently if the belief change is permanent. I welcome any questions if your friend is interested in this. I realize that it may sound a little vague trying to present it quickly. P.S. I still hate parties (other than small ones of known friends); who wants to have to *work* at a party? I'll be my shy self in my personal life. =============================== I can really relate to those feelings. I used to be very shy and unable to communicate well, even with friends. In more formal situations I was a basket case. Heaven forbid I would have to give an oral report! I don't really know how I began to change. I did have a couple close friend who would work (and I mean they worked at it) to draw me out. They would ask me questions make me examine my feelings. They would never let me get away with my favorite cop out, "I don't know". They would tell me, "You do know, you have an idea, you're not dumb, TELL US". And then, as we all do, I grew older. I am 26 now and I have gained immense amounts of confidence through time. The more I experienced life the more confident I became of my abilities. My advice to your shy friend would be to LOOK AROUND. Watch others. See, they are all making blunders. See that person over there doing a dumb thing. Listen to that person saying all that nonsence. Realize that there is nothing to fear. This is two fold. First, by watching others observe that you are as coordiated, or as witty, or even more so than them. Compare yourself and you will find that you do measure up, you do have unique ideas, you do know some things that they don't and use these discoveries to bolster your self image. Second, while observing the people around you going about their business, making the mistakes that we all do, realize that it's OK to sound dumb. It's OK to try and fail. Trying is the FUN part. I used to cringe to think that I would say something and that someone might laugh. Now I will laugh with them. It is in the actual doing things and saying things that the enjoyment lies. If you can find the kernal of FUN then you will begin to DO and SAY more for the sheer exuberance of it and the interest of seeing others reactions instead of fearing them. Well, I certainly went on and on about this but it is a subject that is close to my heart because it is not someting I have conquered but is is something I am always striveng to improve in myself. Godd luck and best wishes to your shy friend. ================================ I had the same problem myself as when I was younger: I was so painfully self-conscious that I would die rather than have to speak in public; I avoided sports activities because the spectators might laugh at me; I was painfully shy with girls; ... My solution to this was to force myself into situations - real or simulated - where I would *have* to do the things I was so desperately afraid of doing. At college I took part in organized debates, and participated in student legislatures where I *had* to assert myself to get things done : that worked wonders for my public speaking. I worked at sports and ultimately made the college athletics team. I attended parties and forced myself onto the dance floor, and then realized that *that* wasn't as difficult as I'd thought either! All this wasn't easy. It was agony at first, but as I realized that I wasn't in any way inferior to those around me, my fears began to subside. I'll say this: I found this method cheap and effective ... the only requirement is that one has to be motivated enough. For myself, I think I'm a much better adjusted person now than I used to be for this. ================================== I took an assertiveness training class because of problems similar to those you describe. I found it an enormous help and recommend it highly. However you must WANT to change otherwise you are wasting your time. Such classes are offered by community colleges from time to time and also sometimes by guidance counsellors. I could be more specific if you where in this (the SF Bay) area. ================================================= Your friend might try talking to people under non-pressure, non-threatening circumstances. For example, simply go to every shop on a block and ask a question of the sales clerk. After a few tries, she will notice that she is interacting in a cool, friendly, non-freezeup manner. Then comes the black belt--go back to the most attractive person encountered in the lesson and give him a compliment on how well he presents his sales. It might work! ======================================================= I book I can personnaly recommend is "The Art of Hanging Loose In An Uptight World". I don't remember the author, but his main message is how not to take yourself or others too seriously. ======================================================= in reply to your question on help for nervous/shy people.... Many people that freeze up in a situation do it because they are not really sure what is the correct or expected thing to do, and they are very concerned about making a good impression. When they freeze this just makes them feel worse about the whole thing, and feedback begins. I don't have much experience with the party/light conversation situations, but an excellent method for formal situations (like job interviews) is play acting. Have your friend and you (or someone else she is very relaxed with) set up a situation, you as the inteviewer; then play it to the hilt. Many people will become more adept at dealing with questions and suggestions after they have practiced in a "safe" situation. ================================================== There are a large number of books, tapes, seminars, courses one could use to help overcome freezing. All of those that one might find successful hinge around changing the way one views oneself. If theory is of interest, Psychocybernetics, by Maxwell Maltz (sp?) is probably the classic book around (basic idea: the mind is a goal-seeking mechanism; the goal sought is to keep "performance" and "self-image" [the way you think you are] identical). From a more motivational perspective, You Can Become the Person You Want to Be, by Robert Schuller, is an enjoyable book (Schuller is a minister, so the book has some religious overtones -- if that bothers you, most of them can be ignored; I'm Jewish, Schuller's Christian, and I enjoyed the book). I was initially exposed to this field through sports and a desire to improve my performance therein; the overall application and implications are exciting. All the books, all the tapes, all the seminars will do not a bit of good unless a) change is desired, and b) the self-image changes. ======================================================== You asked Dear Abby, so here goes Dear Shy In my experience, shyness indicates a refined and sensitive nature. Unless of course, you find it difficult to talk to anyone at all, or that getting out of your house and into your office causes nervous attacks each day, your shyness is a virtue instead of a fault. In fact, if your commute to work includes a trip on the Beltway or over the George Washington Bridge, a few nervous attacks are not out of order. So, such problems as 1) Inability to mix readily at parties 2) Disinclination to knock complete strangers over with displays of your complete superiority in business matters 3) Hesitancy in achieving full intimacy with a MOTOS you have known for a whole week are not problems. Some very neurotic people manage to do all three things listed above. Many of them feel compelled to, whether they enjoy it or not. These souls are ready to join the sacred ranks of the shy, but are holding back. Many institutions in society discourage shyness. It is a difficult trait, after all, for others to exploit (though not to appreciate). How much better some people would like it if you were assertive, as well as greedy, lustful and stupid. You would fit much better into the schemes of the majority. So, dear shy person, wherever you may be hiding out, know the very best in humanity is hiding there with you, and saying "Peek out, would you, and let me know if it is safe yet."