From: utzoo!decvax!harpo!eagle!mhuxt!mhuxi!mhuxj!presley
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Title: National Enquirer 1982 Predictions
Article-I.D.: mhuxj.1094
Posted: Sun Jan  9 10:47:55 1983
Received: Mon Jan 10 00:58:19 1983

The following are predictions for the second half of 1982, as
revealed in the July 6, 1982 edition of National Enquirer.
These are from "10 leading (sic) psychics".  It's up to you
to decide if they were right.  At least they're good for laughs.
--------------------------------
	[ New Jersey's own Dorothy Allison - who claimed she helped
	  the Atlanta police catch the child killer ]
The economic gloom and doom of early 1982 will fade.
Catherine Bach will become a blonde.
Ed Asner survives a murder attempt by an outraged Latin American.
Alan Alda will star in an intergalactic version of M*A*S*H.
Liz Taylor will have an affair with Robert De Niro.
	[ Georgian Bill O'Hara ]
Angie Dickinson and Burt Bacharach will remarry.
Congress will legalize marijuana.
Henry Winkler will quit Happy Days and become a motorcycle daredevil.
Sonny and Cher will reunite.
Richard Simmons will go on an eating binge and get to 250 pounds.
	[ NY seer Shawn Robbins ]
Newman and Redford will do a TV series based on Butch Cassidy movie.
A star running back of a top pro team will be caught with 1 pound of cocaine.
A great white shark will terrorize New Jersey.
Larry Hagman will join the advisory board of a major oil company.
Sinatra will be sued for divorce.
Blue aliens will abduct an Ohio MD who will spend 1 week in their UFO.
	[ Barbara Donchess - she predicted Mt St. Helens eruption (surprise!) ]
Tatum O'Neal will elope with a rock star.
A famous actress will be blackmailed for her lesbian activities.
Soap opera "General Hospital" will be canceled.
Jackie Onassis gives her share of Ari's fortune to charity.
Herve Villechaize saves Playboy bunnies from fire at Playboy Mansion.
Brooke Shields gets marriage proposal from Arab sheik.
	[ Irene Hughes ]
Scientists in Utah implant world's first artificial liver. ((close!!))
Fidel Castro will be overthrown.
Priscilla Presley and daughter will establish a drug rehab center in
  honor of Elvis.
Princess Stephanie of Monaco will be kidnapped by terrorists.
Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin will blow the lid off a UFO cover-up by
  the government.
	[ Astrologer Frederick Davies ]
Farrah Fawcett breaks with Ryan O'Neal; falls in love with Timothy Hutton.
Margaret Thatcher will be target of assassin's bullet which misses.
Lee Majors and Sally Field fall in love.
A gang consisting of scientists cut from space program use lasers to
  break into NYC bank vault and get $20M.
White House appoints Richard Pryor special ambassador to African states.
	[ Clarisa Bernhardt ]
Ghost of Mae West haunts authors of new book about her.
George Wallace will become governor of Alabama.  ((too easy))
A new messiah will emerge in El Salvador.
An AF pilot dumps fuel over campground before crash and starts worst
  brush fire ever in LA area.
	[ Florence Vaty - she predicted Nixon's resignation ]
Israel and Arab nations settle their differences.
Robert Wagner romances Stefanie Powers.
Electronics wizards develop a tiny heart monitor.
	[ Mickie Dahne ]
California doctors discover a chemical in a tiny African insect which
  destroys brain cancers and leukemia.
Joan Collins poses nude in Playboy, gets fired from "Dynasty".
New York doctors develop eye drop which cures poor eyesight.
	[ John Catchings ]
Sophia Loren suffers a breast cancer scare.
Reagan announces he's not running for second term.
Frank Sinatra and Princess Grace team up to star in a hit TV series.
  He'll play the part of Prince Rainier.
Michael Landon weds a teenage actress.
A Western senator will be forced to resign in sex-drugs scandal.
Burt Reynolds will marry Loni Anderson.
--------------------------
There you are.  Everything above was supposed to happen in 1982.  The
predictions for 1983 in the Irrational Enquirer (the NE parody) try to
be ridiculous by have a hard time matching the "serious" predictions
in the National Enquirer.

	Joe Presley	(mhuxj!presley)
	BTL Murray Hill, NJ