From: utzoo!andy Newsgroups: net.women Title: Fed-up and healthy Article-I.D.: utzoo.2789 Posted: Thu Feb 3 12:35:32 1983 Received: Thu Feb 3 12:35:32 1983 Rather than reply to all you hecklers via mail, I though I would save myself a lot of typing and do it here. To all those who mailed me their "comments" and flames, thanks for your concern but all you have done is reinforce my (ok guys, jump on this; I said MY, not OUR) convictions. I have to admit I find the need to justify and defend the moral obligations of parents and the rights of children distasteful and troubling (but after reading the pro-abortionists' articles it is easier to understand). Is it so unreasonable and unsavory to give your children the love, attention and care they deserve? Is a career or money or "ME" all that matters? It is a sad commentary on our society that we can rationalize and justify our selfishness and then mock and attack those that refuse to accept cop-outs. Sure there are exceptions, the single parent who needs to work, the rape victim whose child would be an unwanted further trauma. But let's not generalize and rationalize on the basis of a comparatively small number of cases. It all boils down to convenience and the ME generation. Sacrifice vs. convenience. If you choose to let someone else raise your children or if you choose to abort a child conceived as a result of an "accident", in most cases (I repeat MOST, not all) it is out of convenience. You may feel guilty about it but you do it anyway because it's your life and you come first. If you put yourself or your career ahead of your children you rationalize it by saying you need to be happy with yourself or you need the "experience" or "self-fulfillment". You can have your career and make up for time lost when you come home after work--it's quality not quantity that counts anyway, so you just try harder in the little time you have. Come on people, open your eyes. Do you really think that after a day of full-time work you can give your child the attention and love it desperately needs? Your children will be sent to school soon enough, don't rush them out of the house even before they can walk. How many sitters and daycare workers hear a child's first words; how many children adopt views and develop personalities with little or no parental input; how many children (or adults for that matter) can really talk to their parents and consider them friends? Sure, there are children that are indeed better off with both parents at work, but again, let's not get bogged- down with comparatively small percentages. Maybe I am an overly- sensitive, emotional jerk. But when my children grow up I won't be worried by doubts that I didn't sacrifice and didn't try to do my best. Being a parent is a sacrifice, don't ever doubt it, but if you think your children aren't worth that sacrifice and that you are number one on the priority list, don't have children. And don't assume that all non-working mothers are mindless, subservient char ladies. And also don't assume their working husbands are selfish, chauvinist pigs. Mothers are the ones who accept the responsibility of the most important and rewarding career there is. Fathers are the ones who are forced to make enough money to pay the bills (that's a fact of life; men make more money than women.) and spend what little free time they have with their children in the hope they can in some way make up for time lost at the workplace (in between helping clean house, do shopping, fixing cars, maintaining the home, etc.--maybe it's time for a men's liberation movement.). Maybe I am living on another planet and my neighbors and I are atypical of the "average" family, but that's the way it is. My wife is lucky enough (those are her words, not mine, so dont flame at me) to be able to actively partake in the care and nurturing of our children. She is a mother, the heart of our family, someone that keeps it all together and makes all of us thankful that the ME-generation advocates haven't succeeded in their brainwashing. So please don't belittle her and other mothers by assuming all non-working mothers are forced into their position by domineering husbands--just because you wouldn't want to do it doesn't mean everyone thinks likewise. I have been talking about sacrifice and I am sure there are many itching fingers out there ready to blast me with the question, "What are YOU sacrificing while your wife raises YOUR children?" I have to admit that my sacrifices don't seem like very much. Sure I go out and work and will do so for the next 30 years, I do all I can to help with cleaning and maintaining the house, I babysit when my wife goes to evening classes or needs a "night out", I take the children to the zoo or for a walk in the woods to give my wife some quiet time for herself, and other seemingly trivial things that all responsible fathers/husbands normally do. I don't have an expensive wardrobe, I fix my own car, I don't "go out with the boys", I have abandoned most of my hobbies, etc., but I don't really feel I am sacrificing anything. Whatever I do or don't do is because I love my children. I have yet to sit around grumbling about reading some dumb story to the children when I could be out fishing. I don't begrudge the last 30 dollars in the checkbook when it goes for gymnastics lessons, books or something one of my daughters wants (not needs) instead of a few fishing lures or something else for myself. I guess what I am saying is that the sacrifice is just something to think about before having children. Once they are born, the word "sacrifice" doesn't seem to mean anything any more. You just want the best for your children and don't consider yourself a martyr when "denied" or "forced" into doing things. I don't think I have been very successful in articulating the feeling; maybe only parents reading this know what I mean. We thought about the change in lifestyle and "sacrifices" ahead when we decided to have children. We decided we were ready to accept the responsibility and sacrifices. The decision who would stay at home was made for us. In our case, we were lucky because it was mutually agreeable (i.e. my wife wanted to stay at home and my salary was twice hers). So long as you are willing to accept sacrifices (perhaps other parents may indeed feel they are making sacrifices), both parents are supportive of each other (don't forget the working parent needs a pat on the back too), and you are willing to put your children at the top of your priority list, then you have the makings of a good parent. Remove any one of these three prerequisites and your chances of success are diminished (I am not saying it's impossible, it's just very difficult and the odds are against you.) An obstinate but proud parent Andy Rubaszek decvax!utzoo!andy