From: utzoo!decvax!ucbvax!faustus
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Title: Shaggy Dog Story
Article-I.D.: ucbvax.606
Posted: Sat Jan 15 15:46:14 1983
Received: Tue Jan 18 03:44:45 1983


Once there was a rather ordinary person named Joe. One dark and
stormy night he was driving down a lonely road (he was going to
visit his mother in Boonieville) when he had a flat tire. Not
having any means of fixing the flat, he got out of his car and 
started walking down the road in search of a house or anything
that he could call a towtruck from.

Eventually, he came to a big and foreboding house. It seemed
quite fearsome, reminding him of all the old ghost stories he
had heard involving big and foreboding houses, but, in light of
the circumstances, he conquered his fears and walked up to the
door and knocked loudly.            

After a few minutes a short and twisted old man opened the door.
"Eh, what do you want here?", he croaked. Nervously, Joe replied,
"M-my car broke down. I, uh, can I use your phone to call some-
one? I'll only be a minute...".  "What, clone? I don't have any
clones around here.", the man mumbled. "No, PHONE, I'd like
to use your phone". "Oh, phone. Don't got one of them either.
Ate the last one a month ago. Eh.. (cough, cough) If you want
to stay here overnight, though, I can let you do that. It's
raining mighty hard". Joe gulped. Stay HERE? Still, it was
better than nothing... "O. K.", he replied, "I'll do that. Thank
you very..". "No, don't mention it", said the man as he led 
Joe into the house. "Follow me."

Joe looked around the house. It was just like all the haunted
houses he had seen in movies: cobwebs, suits of armor, closed
doors with green light shining out from beneath, the whole
works. The man led him through a number of long and dark  
corridors, his one candle casting bizarre shadows and making
the place even more unreal than ever. Eventually, they reached
a door which the old man pointed to and said "That there's
your room for the night. But you see that door down the hall,
the big iron one? Don't go in there. If you do, well, I won't
tell you exactly, but let us say that you will never leave here
alive." Joe shivered. "Don't worry", he said as he entered his
room. But he thought to himself, "What could be in there? It 
couldn't be that bad. Or could it...". His room was somewhat
less foreboding than the rest of the house, so he was able
to get to sleep. But he soon woke up, the forbidden door still
on his mind. "What could it be? I just have to find out..."

Quietly, he got out of bed, got dressed, and left the room. The
door was the same as it was when he saw it earlier. "It couldn't
be THAT bad..", he thought as he walked to the door and listened.
Hearing nothing, he carefully opened the door and stuck his
candle in the room. He was amazed at what he saw. The entire room was 
filled with gold, jems, bags of money, and all sorts of great
things. "No wonder the guy didn't want me to come in here",
he said as he waded into the room and begun filling his 
pockets. All of a sudden, he heard a terrible sound to his
right. He turned, and saw... a huge purple monkey! He staggered
back in horror. Could it be? Yes, it was! The legendary Great
Grape Ape! Parylized with fear, he watched as the Ape approached
him, claws bloody, fangs dripping with sulfuric acid, eyes 
burning with the unquenchable fires of hell. (This was a REALLY
scary monster.) Just as the Ape's claws closed around him, he
overcame his fear and dodged the creature's deadly grasp. With
a speed born of terror, he darted out of the room and down the hall.
As soon as he judged that he had outrun the beast, he looked
over his shoulder. To his horror, the Ape was following him. 
At that point he fell down a flight of stairs, as he was not
looking where he was going. He picked himself up and continued to
run. He could tell that the Ape was gaining on him from the
pounding of the Ape's gargantuan feet on the floor behind him.
Taking a desperate risk, he dove through a closed window, shattering
the glass but avoiding any real injury to himself (he had once
worked as a stuntman). Finding himself outside, he continued to
run, now in the direction of the highway. He increased his pace 
significantly when he heard what he judged to be the Ape smashing
through the wall he had just come through. Reaching the highway,
he quickly scanned it for passing cars. To his great relief, he
saw a Yellow Cab coming towards him, he flagged in down and jumped
in. "Metropolis, driver, and step on it!". The cab took off, and
Joe breathed a sigh of relief. He had never had such a close call
in his life. 

After a few minutes the driver said, "Hey, Bud, look what's following
us. Some crazy jogger or somethin'. " Joe whirled, and saw
through the rear window... Yes, it was the Ape running after
the car! He gasped and shouted to the driver, "Faster, he's 
gaining on us!". The next twenty miles were quite suspenseful
for Joe, who was by now half insane with terror. The cabbie
eventually asked Joe, "Where to, Bud? This citie's a big place."
Joe, thinking quickly, said "The airport! Hurry!". When they 
got to the airport, Joe leaped out of the car, tossed the driver
a handful of money, and headed for the flight desk. "The next
flight to France! When does it leave?", he gasped. "5 minutes,
sir", responded the attendant. "Smoking or non-smoking, window
or aisle seat, plastic steak or styrofoam spagetthi?". "Whimper",
responded Joe, looking fearfully at the door. Just as he got his
boarding pass the Ape burst in. Ignoring a man who accosted him
with "You don't have to run through airports anymore with Aphid",
and stepping on a bunch of Hari Krishnas who offered him flowers,
he headed straight for Joe, who had in the meantime run off
as fast as he could in the direction of his flight. 

Reaching the plane just as it began to taxi, he jumped up onto
the wing and, wrenching open the emergency hatch, tumbled into
the aisle. "Coffee, tea, or..." offered a shapely flight 
attendant as he pushed past her and wearily sprawled into his
seat. "Hello, this is Captain Oveur", the loudspeaker blared.
"I will be your Captain today as we fly nonstop.." Having 
already seen the movie four times, Joe promptly went to sleep 
as the mighty cylinder of steel hurdled across the deep blue
Atlantic on its way to Europe and safety...

About a half hour before the scheduled arival time in Paris,
Joe woke up and reflected upon his narrow escape. Just the
sort of thing to turn a man into a born again Christian, he
mused as he absentmindedly glanced out of the window. To his
amusement he saw a small figure swimming in the ocean below 
him. "Probably some crazy athlete swimming the English Channel
or something", he thought. Then a terrible thought crossed his
mind. He took a closer look, and confirmed the thought which
his entire being struggled to deny. It was the Ape! "Oh God,
he thought, I'm done for now! But, maybe... maybe he can't
climb!", he thought. Sustained by this idea, he waited in
dreadful expectation until the plane landed in Paris. He jumped
out and headed for the Eiffel Tower. He reached it just as the
Ape came around the corner and, smashing a few buildings
for effect, charged at the Tower. Joe, who was a very good
climber, reached the top just as the Ape stopped at the 
bottom of the tower. He held his breath, hoping that he
would be safe. To his intense dismay, however, the Ape began
to climb towards him.

"Now I'm done for", Joe thought. "There's nowhere else to run
to. I've been beaten. Oh...". The Ape continued his climb
until he reached Joe. Joe had by then given up all hope and
become a born again Christian. The Ape reached out, and as
Joe fearfully watched, tagged him and said "You're it!"


	Wayne Christopher
	whereever...