From: utzoo!watmath!jamcmullan Newsgroups: net.women Title: Re: unfriendly women Article-I.D.: watmath.4734 Posted: Mon Mar 14 16:26:37 1983 Received: Tue Mar 15 01:02:06 1983 I have found work to be one of the WORST places to meet women. It seems that unless I am working directly with a woman, or have some other "legitimate" reason for talking to her, there is no way to get beyond some sort of barrier I perceive. If I happen to pass a woman in a corridor, for instance, her eyes are usually downcast or shifted to the side so that no contact is possible. If I say, "hi", I usually get no response or very little response. I know it's not me, since I have no trouble at singles groups, church, parties, and some other places. Also, I have heard this from many other men. What is going on here? I agree with ricki simon that work is not the place to initiate man-woman relationships and that responding to this kind of friendly greeting is usually interpreted as flirting. (Don't tell me that's not how you meant it. That's how it is often meant & I can't tell the difference). I have to fight a lot of feeling that only men do "real" work & what is a nice "girl" like you working for? So, I try to remember to be as businesslike as possible at my work place (sometimes I forget & have a giggle with the co-op student, in the lab). Furthermore, I have had VERY bad luck talking to men I don't know. Occasionally nothing comes of it beyond a few minutes of conversation but far too often I have been followed around the street/subway/building until I lost him or I have been cornered somewhere for a quick "feel". I have only been attacked once (just slapped a bit) on a quiet street. These incidents have all been in public. They are a bit scary. The worst that has happened at work is that some clown that I responded to took to greeting me in a loud voice by giving me his idea of compliments on portions of my anatomy. This was very embarrassing in front of colleagues with whom I was trying to maintain a competent & businesslike image. ...and there is very little chance of being attacked by merely smiling and saying "hi". So, what's the reason for this behavior? Fear? Fear of what? Unconcern? Preoccupation? I have learned the hard way to avoid men I don't know. I avert my eyes. I play deaf if they speak to me. A lot of times I hate this but the times when I break these rules are the times I have gotten scared. I have discussed this with some of my close men friends. Many men don't seem to realize the very real fears for physical safety that all women live with every day of their lives. It happens that there IS a chance (I admit that it is a little chance) of being attacked as a result of saying "hi" because a large proportion of rapes are done by acquaintances. Some one once asked men "Why are you afraid of women?" The response: "We are afraid they will laugh at us". She asked women "Why are you afraid of men?" The response: "We are afraid they will kill us". Now, please don't think I am terrified of all men or that all women are the same as I am. Some are less concerned about these things and say "I can take care of myself". But you asked why so many women are unfriendly and I am quite certain that basic fear is the real reason that underlies their behaviour. They are not quaking in their boots every minute. It is just that they have learned how to avoid (but not escape) the unwelcome advances, the lewd shouts, etc. --Judy McMullan