From: utzoo!decvax!harpo!eagle!mhuxt!mhuxj!mhuxi!mhuxv!burl!sb1!sb6!lhs1 Newsgroups: net.jokes Title: Thought of the day (c source) Article-I.D.: sb6.125 Posted: Tue Feb 8 14:14:57 1983 Received: Fri Feb 11 07:26:29 1983 NOTE ---- File contains 400+ lines ---------------------- cut here --------------------- /* I found this list of enlightnment in net.jokes. Being the remains of a burnt out hacker, I built this little program to provide guidance during times of need. Larry Sikes ..!ll1!sb1!lhs PS: For anyone thinking of a negative reply as to location of this posting or size of the file may I take this time to respond in advance ----- PFFFFFFT! */ char *rule[] = { "Achilles' Biological Findings:\n\ (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If\n\ he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.\n\ (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came\n\ first-the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the\n\ rooster.\n\ ", "Adam's Law:\n\ (1) Women don't know what they want; they don't like what\n\ they have got.\n\ (2) Men know very well what they want; having got it, they\n\ begin to lose interest.\n\ ", "Adler's Distinction:\n\ Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,\n\ and from the bureaucrats.\n\ ", "Advertising Rule:\n\ In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince\n\ the reader that he has the disease he is reading about;\n\ secondly, that it is curable.\n\ ", "Air Force Inertia Axiom:\n\ Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.\n\ ", "Alden's Laws:\n\ (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause\n\ of pregnancy.\n\ (2) Always be backlit.\n\ (3) Sit down whenever possible.\n\ ", "Andrea's Admonition:\n\ Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.\n\ If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,\n\ it isn't and he can.\n\ ", "Armstrong's Collection Law:\n\ If the check is truly in the mail, it is surely made out to\n\ someone else.\n\ ", "Bagdikian's Observation:\n\ Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American \n\ newspaper is like trying to play Bach's \"St. Matthew Passion\"\n\ on a ukelele.\n\ ", "Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:\n\ A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides\n\ by governors.\n\ ", "Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:\n\ The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat\n\ upon by the bee.\n\ ", "Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:\n\ (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes and a shelf for\n\ his toiletries, the relationship ends.\n\ (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary to continue the\n\ correspondence, he stops writing.\n\ ", "Barker's Proof:\n\ Proofreading is more effective after publication.\n\ ", "Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:\n\ (1) Houses are for people to live in.\n\ (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.\n\ (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.\n\ ", "Bierman's Laws of Contracts:\n\ (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the \n\ \"what if's\".\n\ (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved\n\ \"what if's\".\n\ (3) Every resolved \"what if\" creates two unresolved\n\ \"what if's\".\n\ ", "Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:\n\ The judge's jokes are always funny.\n\ ", "Blutarsky's Axiom:\n\ Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen\n\ to reason.\n\ ", "Boucher's Observation:\n\ He who blows his own horn always plays the music several\n\ octaves higher than originally written.\n\ ", "Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:\n\ When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more\n\ easily by reducing it to the question, \n\ \"How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?\"\n\ ", "Brogan's Constant:\n\ People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the \n\ front of the bus.\n\ ", "Bunker's Admonition:\n\ You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.\n\ ", "Bureau Termination, Law of:\n\ When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the\n\ number of employees in that bureau will double within 12\n\ months after the decision is made.\n\ ", "Carson's Observation on Footwear:\n\ If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.\n\ ", "Chism's Law of Completion:\n\ The amount of time required to complete a government project is\n\ precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.\n\ ", "Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:\n\ The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the \n\ fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes\n\ hard while crackers become soft.\n\ ", "Cohen's Law:\n\ There is no bottom to worse.\n\ ", "Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:\n\ If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to\n\ be held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal\n\ duties.\n\ ", "Crinklaw's Observation:\n\ Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,\n\ marriage follws, and after marriage comes abstinence.\n\ ", "Davis' Law of Traffic Density:\n\ The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to\n\ 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.\n\ ", "Drakenberg's Discovery:\n\ If you can't seem to find your glasses, it's probably because\n\ you don't have them on.\n\ ", "Gilbert's Discovery:\n\ Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces\n\ sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.\n\ ", "Gomme's Laws:\n\ (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.\n\ (2) Time accelerates.\n\ (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.\n\ ", "Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:\n\ (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft\n\ will encounter turbulence.\n\ (2) The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to \n\ the temperature of you coffee.\n\ ", "Hale Mail Rule, The:\n\ When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least\n\ one of the following:\n\ (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.\n\ (b) Stationery.\n\ (c) Postage stamp.\n\ (d) The letter you are answering.\n\ ", "Hall's Laws of Politics:\n\ (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.\n\ (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want\n\ something fixed.\n\ (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend\n\ military spending, and conservatives social spending in \n\ their own districts).\n\ ", "Hanson's Treatment of Time:\n\ There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many\n\ days before Saturday.\n\ ", "Harriet's Dining Observation:\n\ In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats increases\n\ in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.\n\ ", "Hawkeye's Conclusion:\n\ It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the\n\ whole circus.\n\ ", "Hempstone's Question:\n\ If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?\n\ ", "Hewett's Observation:\n\ The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his\n\ or her position in the governmental hierachy and to the\n\ number of peers similarly engaged.\n\ ", "Hitchcock's Staple Principle:\n\ The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying\n\ to staple something.\n\ ", "Hoffer's Discovery:\n\ The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly\n\ revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.\n\ ", "Immutability, Three Rules of:\n\ (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.\n\ (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.\n\ (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.\n\ ", "Jim Nasium's Law:\n\ In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people\n\ using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next\n\ to each other so that everybody is cramped.\n\ ", "Kennedy's Market Thereom:\n\ Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, you've\n\ got to go broke.\n\ ", "Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:\n\ Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.\n\ ", "Kington's Law of Perforation: \n\ If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such\n\ as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the \n\ strongest part of the paper.\n\ ", "Kliban's First Law of Dining:\n\ Never eat anything bigger than your head.\n\ ", "Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:\n\ No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats-\n\ approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.\n\ ", "Lewis's Law of Travel:\n\ The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong\n\ to anyone, ever.\n\ ", "Magary's Principle:\n\ When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any\n\ government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do\n\ the cutting, and the public's services are cut.\n\ ", "Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:\n\ Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a\n\ simple yes or no answer.\n\ ", "McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:\n\ When traveling with a herd of elephants, don't be the first\n\ to lie down and rest.\n\ ", "Miller's Slogan:\n\ Lose a few, lose a few.\n\ ", "Mix's Law:\n\ There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.\n\ There is nothing more permanent than a temporaty tax.\n\ ", "Mom's Law:\n\ When they finally do have to take you to the hospital, your\n\ underwear won't be clean or new.\n\ ", "Murphy's Discovery:\n\ Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk\n\ to women? They say, \"Trust me, go all the way with me, and\n\ everything will be all right.\" And what happens? Nine\n\ months you're in trouble!\n\ ", "Murray's Rule:\n\ Any country with \"democratic\" in the title isn't.\n\ ", "Newlan's Truism:\n\ An \"acceptable\" level of unemployment means that the \n\ government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.\n\ ", "Newman's Discovery:\n\ Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will\n\ your worst dreams.\n\ ", "Nusbaum's Rule:\n\ The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the\n\ organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the\n\ Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted\n\ to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)\n\ ", "Ozman's Laws:\n\ (1) If someone says he will do something \"without fail,\" he won't.\n\ (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.\n\ (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.\n\ (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.\n\ ", "Pecor's Health-Food Principle:\n\ Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a \"y\" in it.\n\ ", "People's Action Rules:\n\ (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.\n\ (2) Some people who should, won't.\n\ (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.\n\ (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.\n\ (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.\n\ ", "Peterson's Rules:\n\ (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something\n\ sticky.\n\ (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.\n\ (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.\n\ (4) Suicide only works when you are bluffing.\n\ ", "Pickle's Law:\n\ If Congress must do a painful thing, the thing must be done\n\ in an odd-number year.\n\ ", "Pollyanna's Educational Constant:\n\ The hyperactive child is never absent.\n\ ", "Poorman's Rule:\n\ When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser\n\ package, you always get hold of the closed end and try \n\ to pull it open.\n\ ", "Pryor's Observation:\n\ How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are\n\ going to be dead.\n\ ", "Quigley's Law:\n\ Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small,\n\ will atttempt to use it.\n\ ", "Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:\n\ If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.\n\ ", "Renning's Maxim:\n\ Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.\n\ ", "Ritchie's Rule:\n\ (1) Everything has some value-if you use the right currency.\n\ (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.\n\ (3) Search and ye shall find-but make sure it was lost.\n\ ", "Rudd's Discovery:\n\ You know that any senator or congressman could go home and\n\ make $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because\n\ they can stay in Washington and make it there.\n\ ", "Savage's Law of Expediency:\n\ You want it bad, you'll get it bad.\n\ ", "Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:\n\ Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.\n\ ", "Slous' Contention:\n\ If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.\n\ ", "Spence's Admonition:\n\ Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.\n\ ", "Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:\n\ If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.\n\ ", "Udall's Fourth Law:\n\ Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences\n\ you don't like.\n\ ", "Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:\n\ Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a \n\ hammmer or get a splinter in it.\n\ ", "Walters' Rule:\n\ All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from\n\ the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation\n\ on a plane that left Gate 1.\n\ ", "Weed's Axiom:\n\ Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply\n\ will discuss the one in which you are least interested\n\ and say nothing about the other.\n\ ", "Zisla's Law:\n\ If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind \n\ the elephants.\n\ ", 0 }; main() { long time(); srand((unsigned)time((long *)0)+getpid()); printf("%s",rule[rand()%(sizeof(rule)/sizeof(char *))]); }