From: utzoo!decvax!ucbvax!CAD:tektronix!teklabs!mikec
Newsgroups: net.religion
Title: Biblical Contradictions
Article-I.D.: teklabs.1822
Posted: Mon Mar 14 18:19:57 1983
Received: Fri Mar 18 02:08:14 1983


  While the death of Judas has been described as a "great
theological mystery", let me assure the reader that this
is not the only mysterious death recorded in the Bible. I
now present two more "deaths" that fall into the category of
"even more absurd". References are to the King James Version.

  In a rather fanciful tale in 1 Samuel, the Philistines show
up to do battle with the armies of Israel (1 Samuel 17:1..3).
But those sneaky Philistines have a dirty trick up their sleeve
having enlisted the aid of a personage of gigantic stature (the
original Big Foot ?)(1 Samuel 17:4). Goliath is, of course, quite
ignorant of any of the laws of physics. Strength is proportional
to the square of size while mass is proportional to the cube of
size. Thus, spiders have skinny legs relative to their bodies,
and elephants have thick legs relative to their bodies. This is
why VERY LARGE people (of carnival and sideshow fame) have severe
difficulty walking (or even standing) for very long. The narrator
of this fable continues to stuff both of his feet into his mouth
by telling us how impressive Goliath is bedecked out in his VERY
HEAVY armor (1 Samuel 17:4..7). Goliath then challenges the poor
Israelites, who are now shaking in their boots, ("... they were
dismayed, and greatly afraid.") to do battle (1 Samuel 17:8..11).
Lacking sufficient faith, the armies of Israel are forced to back
down and let a mere sheperd boy confront this menace face to face.
David then assaults the "big bad guy" with a sling causing Goliath
to respond with a definite change of attitude (from perpendicular
to parallel)(1 Samuel 17:12..49). Thus David slew mighty Goliath
(1 Samuel 17:50). You may have been led to believe that the story
ended there. However, a close examination of 2 Samuel 21:19 shows
that Goliath was killed at least twice ("... Elhanan ... slew THE
BROTHER OF Goliath ... whose spear was like a weaver's beam.").
Note that "the brother of" is in italics indicating that these
words did not appear in the original manuscript. The "ever pious"
translators tried to remove this contradiction by creating a long
lost brother for Goliath. The reference to a "weavers beam" also
occurs in 1 Samuel 17:7. The plains must have been littered with
the remains of giants named Goliath.

  Another funny fable is about the death of Saul. Saul committed
suicide by falling on his own sword (1 Samuel 31:4..6). Then Saul
talks an Amalekite into killing him (2 Samuel 1:8..19). Somewhat
later, Saul gets killed by the Philistines in Gilboa (2 Samuel 21
:12). Later yet, Saul kills himself (again ?) by falling on his
own sword (1 Chronicles 10:4). But the author of Chronicles gives
the final credit to God (1 Chronicles 10:13..14 "... therefore he
(God) slew him ...). It would seem that Saul tried to fall on his
own sword, but botched the job. Thus God, disguised as a Amalekite
impersonating a Philistine visiting Gilboa, had to finish him off.


Theological reasoning is sooo much fun. I think that I might have
cracked a rib.


Micheal D. Cranford
Tektronix
Teklabs