From: utzoo!decvax!harpo!eagle!allegra!psuvax!dww
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Title: realists horoscope
Article-I.D.: psuvax.1204
Posted: Tue Mar 15 15:23:10 1983
Received: Tue Mar 22 20:04:57 1983

"A Realist's Horoscope", by Andrew J. Rooney:

Aries (Mar.21 - Apr.19)  You are a wonderfully interesting,
honest, hard-working person and you should make many new friends,
but you won't because you've got a mean streak in you a mile wide.

Taurus (Apr.20 - May 20)  Take advantage of this opportunity to
get a little extra sleep, because you're going to miss the bus
again today anyway.  You will decide to lose weight today, just
like yesterday.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)  A day to take the initiative.  Put
the garbage out, for instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry
cleaners.  Watch the mail carefully, although there won't be
anything good in it today, either.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)  This is a good time for those of you
who are rich and happy, but a poor time for those of you born
under this sign who are poor and unhappy.  To tell you the truth
\any/ day is tough when you're poor and unhappy.

Leo (July 23 - Aug.22)  Your determination and sense of humor
will come to the fore.  Your ability to laugh at adversity
will be a blessing because you've got a day coming you wouldn't
believe.  As a matter of fact, if you can laugh at what happens
to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.

Virgo (Aug.23 - Sept.22)  Learn something new today, like how
to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers.  Be
careful dressing this morning.  You may be hit by a car later in
the day and you wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office
in some of that old underwear you own.

Libra (Sept.23 - Oct.23)  Major achievements, new friends, and
a previously unexplored way to make a lot of money will come to a
lot of people today, but unfortunately you won't be one of them.
Consider not getting out of bed today.

Scorpio (Oct.24 - Nov.21)  You will receive word today that you
are eligible to win a million dollars in prizes.  It will be from
a magazine trying to get you to subscribe, and you're just dumb
enough to think you've got a chance to win.  You never learn.

Sagittarius (Nov.22 - Dec.21)  Your efforts to help a little
old lady cross a street will backfire when you learn that she
was waiting for a bus.  Subdue impulse you have to push her out
into traffic.

Capricorn (Dec.22 - Jan.19)  Play your hunches.  This is a day
when luck will play an important part in your life.  If you were
smarter, you wouldn't need so much luck and you wouldn't be
reading your horoscope, either.  You are a suspicious person,
and it will occur to you that astrologers don't know what they're
talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.

Aquarius (Jan.20 - Feb.18)  You are the type of person who never
has enough money to do what you want.  Don't expect things to get
any better today, either.  As a matter of fact they might get worse.
Intensify your relationship with your bank and any friends you have
who might be able to lend you a few bucks.

Pisces (Feb.19 - Mar.20)  You will get some very interesting
news of a promotion today.  It will go to someone in the office
you dislike and will be the job you wanted.  Don't lend anyone
a car today.  You don't have a car.

                                  Not afraid to name my sign:
                                  Scorpio (Oct.24 - Nov.21)