From: utzoo!decvax!ucbvax!CAD:tektronix!teklabs!mikec Newsgroups: net.religion Title: Biblical Contradictions Article-I.D.: teklabs.1822 Posted: Mon Mar 14 18:19:57 1983 Received: Fri Mar 18 02:08:14 1983 While the death of Judas has been described as a "great theological mystery", let me assure the reader that this is not the only mysterious death recorded in the Bible. I now present two more "deaths" that fall into the category of "even more absurd". References are to the King James Version. In a rather fanciful tale in 1 Samuel, the Philistines show up to do battle with the armies of Israel (1 Samuel 17:1..3). But those sneaky Philistines have a dirty trick up their sleeve having enlisted the aid of a personage of gigantic stature (the original Big Foot ?)(1 Samuel 17:4). Goliath is, of course, quite ignorant of any of the laws of physics. Strength is proportional to the square of size while mass is proportional to the cube of size. Thus, spiders have skinny legs relative to their bodies, and elephants have thick legs relative to their bodies. This is why VERY LARGE people (of carnival and sideshow fame) have severe difficulty walking (or even standing) for very long. The narrator of this fable continues to stuff both of his feet into his mouth by telling us how impressive Goliath is bedecked out in his VERY HEAVY armor (1 Samuel 17:4..7). Goliath then challenges the poor Israelites, who are now shaking in their boots, ("... they were dismayed, and greatly afraid.") to do battle (1 Samuel 17:8..11). Lacking sufficient faith, the armies of Israel are forced to back down and let a mere sheperd boy confront this menace face to face. David then assaults the "big bad guy" with a sling causing Goliath to respond with a definite change of attitude (from perpendicular to parallel)(1 Samuel 17:12..49). Thus David slew mighty Goliath (1 Samuel 17:50). You may have been led to believe that the story ended there. However, a close examination of 2 Samuel 21:19 shows that Goliath was killed at least twice ("... Elhanan ... slew THE BROTHER OF Goliath ... whose spear was like a weaver's beam."). Note that "the brother of" is in italics indicating that these words did not appear in the original manuscript. The "ever pious" translators tried to remove this contradiction by creating a long lost brother for Goliath. The reference to a "weavers beam" also occurs in 1 Samuel 17:7. The plains must have been littered with the remains of giants named Goliath. Another funny fable is about the death of Saul. Saul committed suicide by falling on his own sword (1 Samuel 31:4..6). Then Saul talks an Amalekite into killing him (2 Samuel 1:8..19). Somewhat later, Saul gets killed by the Philistines in Gilboa (2 Samuel 21 :12). Later yet, Saul kills himself (again ?) by falling on his own sword (1 Chronicles 10:4). But the author of Chronicles gives the final credit to God (1 Chronicles 10:13..14 "... therefore he (God) slew him ...). It would seem that Saul tried to fall on his own sword, but botched the job. Thus God, disguised as a Amalekite impersonating a Philistine visiting Gilboa, had to finish him off. Theological reasoning is sooo much fun. I think that I might have cracked a rib. Micheal D. Cranford Tektronix Teklabs