From: utzoo!decvax!genradbo!grkermit!markm Newsgroups: net.jokes Title: HHGttN 11 + 12; One mo' time Article-I.D.: grkermit.288 Posted: Tue Feb 1 11:33:01 1983 Received: Wed Feb 2 06:00:53 1983 Expires: Tue Mar 1 00:00:00 1983 There seem to have been real problems getting 11 and 12 out yonder. I'm reposting them together to (hopefully) rectify the situation. Apologies to anyone who has received 11 and 12. Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net Episode 11 - Life, The Net, and Everything Part 1 (Xaphod, Rod, Gillian, and Arnold Lint have just received the 'Video Testament' - a scripture said to contain the answer to Life, the Net, and Everything.) Rod: Well, go on, read it. Arnold Lint: Do you think we should? Xaphod: Yah, why not. Martin: I can think of a few reasons. Gillian: Quiet, we're going to find out what it all means. Aren't you the least bit excited. Martin: (droning sarcasticly) Oh yes, I can hardly contain myself. Xaphod: Never mind him, lets read this amazingly amazing book. (They open the book and it speaks to them.) Book: Hark, who goest there. Rod: Uh, who are you? Book: I . . . am the Video Testament. The compendium of all knowledge and smart stuff from the mythical age of Kubla Konthemasus. You may call me . . . Ralph. [***************************************************************************** "The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" has this to say about the mythical ruler Kubla Konthemasus: He was reported to be from Austria or Germany. He was supposed to be short and have a funny little mustache. He was supposed to have died in 1945 and then be reborn in Argentina. His followers looked upon him as a sort of Messiah, who lead them to the land of Silk and Money. All of this is, of course, purely hypothetical; as were Konthemasus' friends Herman (Hermie) McGoering, and Crazy Joe Stalinson. *****************************************************************************] Xaphod: Ralph? Ralph: Well, what do you expect? Rod: Well, not Ralph. Gillian: Can you tell us . . . Ralph: The answer to Life, the Net, and Everything. Gillian: . . . why yes. Arnold Lint: That's amazing. Xaphod: To you it would be. Rod: Tell us what it all means. Ralph: You won't like it. Martin: That's no surprise. Xaphod: Just ignore him. Ralph: Well, it all began sometime in the 1950's. A group of very wealthy and powerful men assembled in Argentina under the guidance of a man calling himself Kubla Konthemasus. This group of magnates were from various political affiliations - Nazis, Communists, Capitalists, and Urologists. They all liked money and wanted to rule the world. They also realised that TV was going to be the tool that would give them the leverage they needed. Xaphod: I don't like the way this is starting to sound. Rod: Me neither. Ralph: I warned you. Martin: You should have listened to him. Arnold Lint: Go on. Ralph: Well, they began to infiltrate the TV industry. Soon they not only owned huge percentages of each network, but had also emplaced their own people into many of the creative positions at each network. Then they began to manipulate things. They decided to cast the world in an image that they could easily control. So each little kid on TV was either predictably (and sickeningly) nice and helpful, or predictably always getting into trouble. Women were either predictably aggressive or predictably obtuse. You see, they set up patterns of behavior that they could count on. Once they could predict and control how the public would react to something, they could do whatever they wanted. Whenever they wanted to do something really tricky (like when they took over the Mid-East oil fields in the late 70's and early 80's) they made sure to get the country thinking their way before hand with a massive TV bombardment. If it was a topic that they knew nobody would go for no matter how they publicised it, they flooded the airways with those sickening human emotion type TV-movies. Things like "Plight of the Forgotten Children" or "Why is Daddy always angry?". The kind of stuff that makes you want to blow lunch. Rod: Wow, thats amazing. Xaphod: Yah. Ralph: Their greatest triumph was getting a president elected. Their plan was simple. They made sure that the east coast was for their candidate, leaving the west coast alone. Then, on election day, the TV 'predictions' claimed their candidate to be a sure winner. Due to the time difference, all the people on the west coast thought the election was over anyway and didn't even bother to vote. Xaphod: Wow, imagine getting a president elected by manipulating the media. Ralph: And guess what . . . he was an actor! Gillian: What a coincidence. Rod: Yah, imagine that. Martin: Doesn't surprise me . . . I expect such things from humans. Arnold Lint: But what does all this have to do with the Net? Gillian: Yah, controlling TV is great but most people in the Net are far too dedicated to their work to partake of anything as tacky as TV. We're all thoroughly dedicated professionals. (If it were possible for an andriod to supress a burst of uncontrollable laughter, that is what Martin could now be described as doing.) Rod: Yah what about the Net!? Ralph: Well . . . ******************** End Of Part 11 ******************** What are the interests of this Neo-Nazi-Communist-Capitalist organization in the Net? The answer will surprise you - unless you're a great stupid twit. To find out more . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel. Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net Episode 12 - Life, The Net, and Everything Part 2 (Ralph, the 'Video Testament' is just about to explain Life, the Net, and Everything to the crew of the Infinity) Gillian: Tell us, what does all this neo-Nazi stuff have to do with the Net. Arnold Lint: I don't think I want to know. Martin: Me neither. Rod: Quiet. Xaphod: Go on . . . Ralph: Anyway, Kubla Konthemasus' followers were doing great. Anything they showed on TV was immediately accepted as truth. Disco became an overnight sensation, and then was phased out when the profit wasn't great enough. It was soon realised that there was a significant group of people in computer related fields who possessed considerable wealth. It was also realised that these people were not being taken in by the video blitz. Arnold Lint: Good for us! Martin: Not really, I'm afraid. Ralph: Very perceptive, robot. Konthemasus' research showed that hackers do not believe what they see or hear, unless it comes across a computer terminal. It was fast becoming apparent that computers would be vital to the power of the new regime, so it was vital that anyone who worked with computers could be controlled. Gillian: Yes, but what does that have to do with the Net? The Net is an exchange of ideas and ideals between computer professionals! (Martin starts coughing sarcasticly) Ralph: Kubla Konthemasus, in a brilliant stroke, figured out a way to not only carry out an experiment in behavioral psychology on the computing professionals, but also to put into action all his findings. He created the Net. You see, there are a few key links in the Net controlled by his men. At first they tried a variety of topics and tested reactions. Then they started trying to bend the opinion of Net-landers. First by trying to get everyone to like current trends in music, then by trying to create the impression that North Dakota does not exist. Anyone who rejected the ideas they tried to push, and was fool enough to say so, was put onto a list. This list will be used to purge the society of all those who would corrupt the purity of essence of Konthemasus' new order of conformity and religious fulfillment. Xaphod: Wow, that's unbelievable. Rod: Yah, I don't think I do believe it. Arnold Lint: Me neither . . . An actor in the white house? . . . No North Dakota? . . . Couldn't happen! Gillian: I don't know, maybe . . . Ralph: Well, that's about it. I've got to go, lots to do. Rod: What could a book have to do? Ralph: About an ounce of cocaine! (With that, Ralph vanishes into thin air. The crew of the Infinity is left standing, dumbfounded by what they have heard. They start to leave and come to the door. There is a moment of hesitation.) Gillian: If anyone of you open the door for me, I'll put the boot in. Arnold Lint: What's with her. Rod: she's an ERA. Arnold Lint: A what? Xaphod: ERA - An Extra Rights Activist. [***************************************************************************** According to "The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net", the Extra Rights Activists group was started by a group of women who were quite upset by their station in life. They didn't just want equality, they wanted superiority. They figured they could get all the privileges of equality with men, and yet retain all the conveniences regarded them as women. They wanted equal pay for less work, lower taxes for women, shorter work hours. After all, the fairer sex shouldn't have to work so hard, but they do deserve the same pay. They didn't want to join the army though. They felt that in some cases, where it was convenient, men could still have it all. The one thing you could do to make an ERA mad was to hold the door for her. They took it as a sign of harassment . . . no one knows why. Other acts of courtesy were also mistaken as antagonising the ERA movement. Helping an ERA with her coat was the same as telling her she smelled like bathroom at the National Food Poisoners Convention. Helping an ERA with her chair in a restaurant was tantamount to clubbing her about the head with a moldy Albatros. In response to this threat to male dominated society, the all-male anti-ERA faction MCP (Male Counter-ERA Pact) circulated a pamphlet explaining what a man could do if the woman he was with gave any indications of trying to open the door before he could open it for her. It read as follows: ============================================================================= ** How not to hold the door for an ERA ** If the woman you are with starts to race for the door so she can open it for herself, and this upsets you, here are a few things you can do to make sure it won't happen again. * Just as she gets up to speed, trip her from behind. * When she has a large enough lead, and has the door open, stop to tie your shoe. * If there is a convenient doorway (like a men's room) nearby, what until she isn't looking and duck in as she opens the door. * If she is holding the door, take hold of it as you enter the doorway and close it behind. Locking it is a sure-fire clue to her that you are displeased. * If there is a long corridor before the offending door, and she starts to speed up, keep pace with her. When you both hit a dead run, body check her into the wall. A well timed 'Ooops' will make it all look innocent. This is dangerous if you are with a lady roller derby player. * If you really don't care about offending her, give her a quick feel just as she turns away from you to head for the door. Of course, she may never turn her back on you again. Remember, there is nothing wrong with being courteous. But if she won't take it gracefully, make it bloody inconvenient for her to keep doing so. ============================================================================= The ERA movement, surprisingly, took no action against the MCP. Rumor has it that they settled the debate in some non-violent manner. History notes that there followed a sudden increase in the sale of plastic drop clothes and corn oil followed by a sudden increase in births about 9 months later. *****************************************************************************] ******************** End Of Part 12 ******************** Will Arnold Lint hold the door for Gillian? Or will he become a soprano? To find out . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.