From: utzoo!utcsrgv!larry
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Title: Drinkers Fault Finding Guide!
Article-I.D.: utcsrgv.806
Posted: Wed Jan  5 09:44:36 1983
Received: Wed Jan  5 10:27:26 1983



		DRINKERS   FAULT   FINDING   GUIDE
		----------------------------------


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
	SYMPTOM	    |	     FAULT	    |		ACTION TO BE TAKEN
--------------------+-----------------------+-----------------------------------
Drinking fails to   | Mouth not open while  | Buy another pint and practice in
give satisfaction   | drinking OR Glass     | front of a mirror.  Continue with
and taste; shirt    | being applied to wrong| as many pints necessary until
front wet.	    | part of face.	    | drinking technique is perfect.
--------------------+-----------------------+-----------------------------------
Drinking fails to   | 			    |
give satisfaction   |			    | Find someone who will buy you
and taste; beer	    | Glass empty.	    | another pint.
unusually pale and  |			    |
clear.		    |			    |
--------------------+-----------------------+-----------------------------------
Feet cold and wet.  | Glass being held at   | Turn glass the other way up so
		    | incorrect angle.      | that the open end is pointing
		    |			    | towards the ceiling.
--------------------+-----------------------+-----------------------------------
		    |			    | Go and stand next to the nearest
		    |			    | dog - after a while complain to
Feet warm and wet.  | Loss of self control. | its owner about its lack of house
		    |			    | training and demand a pint in
		    |			    | compensation.
--------------------+-----------------------+-----------------------------------
		    | You are looking	    | Find someone who will buy you
Bar blurred.	    | through the bottom of | another pint.
		    | your empty glass.	    |
--------------------+-----------------------+-----------------------------------
		    | Air turbulence	    |
Bar swaying.	    | unusually high - maybe| Insert a broom handle down the
		    | due to the darts match| back of jacket.
		    | in progress.	    |
--------------------+-----------------------+-----------------------------------
		    |			    | Find out if you are being taken to
Bar moving.	    | You are being carried | another pub - if not complain
		    | out.		    | loudly that you are being
		    |			    | hi-jacked.
--------------------+-----------------------+-----------------------------------
You notice that the |			    | If glass is still full and no one
wall opposite is    | You have fallen over  | is standing on your drinking arm,
covered with ceiling| backwards.	    | stay put.  If not, get someone to
tiles, and has a    |			    | to help you up and lash yourself
fluorescent light   |			    | to the bar.
strip across it.    |			    |
--------------------+-----------------------+-----------------------------------
Everything has gone |			    |
dim and you have a  | Your have fallen over | As for falling over backwards.
mouthfull of dog-   | forwards.		    |
ends and teeth.	    |			    |
--------------------+-----------------------+-----------------------------------
You have woken up to|			    |
find your bed hard  |			    |
cold and wet.  You  | You have spent the    | Check your watch to see if it is
cannot see your     | night in the gutter.  | opening time - if not treat 
bedroom walls or    |			    | yourself to a lie-in.
ceiling.	    |			    |
--------------------+-----------------------+-----------------------------------
Everything has gone | The pub is closing.   | Panic!!
dark.		    | 			    |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------