From: utzoo!decvax!ucbvax!faustus Newsgroups: net.jokes Title: Shaggy Dog Story Article-I.D.: ucbvax.606 Posted: Sat Jan 15 15:46:14 1983 Received: Tue Jan 18 03:44:45 1983 Once there was a rather ordinary person named Joe. One dark and stormy night he was driving down a lonely road (he was going to visit his mother in Boonieville) when he had a flat tire. Not having any means of fixing the flat, he got out of his car and started walking down the road in search of a house or anything that he could call a towtruck from. Eventually, he came to a big and foreboding house. It seemed quite fearsome, reminding him of all the old ghost stories he had heard involving big and foreboding houses, but, in light of the circumstances, he conquered his fears and walked up to the door and knocked loudly. After a few minutes a short and twisted old man opened the door. "Eh, what do you want here?", he croaked. Nervously, Joe replied, "M-my car broke down. I, uh, can I use your phone to call some- one? I'll only be a minute...". "What, clone? I don't have any clones around here.", the man mumbled. "No, PHONE, I'd like to use your phone". "Oh, phone. Don't got one of them either. Ate the last one a month ago. Eh.. (cough, cough) If you want to stay here overnight, though, I can let you do that. It's raining mighty hard". Joe gulped. Stay HERE? Still, it was better than nothing... "O. K.", he replied, "I'll do that. Thank you very..". "No, don't mention it", said the man as he led Joe into the house. "Follow me." Joe looked around the house. It was just like all the haunted houses he had seen in movies: cobwebs, suits of armor, closed doors with green light shining out from beneath, the whole works. The man led him through a number of long and dark corridors, his one candle casting bizarre shadows and making the place even more unreal than ever. Eventually, they reached a door which the old man pointed to and said "That there's your room for the night. But you see that door down the hall, the big iron one? Don't go in there. If you do, well, I won't tell you exactly, but let us say that you will never leave here alive." Joe shivered. "Don't worry", he said as he entered his room. But he thought to himself, "What could be in there? It couldn't be that bad. Or could it...". His room was somewhat less foreboding than the rest of the house, so he was able to get to sleep. But he soon woke up, the forbidden door still on his mind. "What could it be? I just have to find out..." Quietly, he got out of bed, got dressed, and left the room. The door was the same as it was when he saw it earlier. "It couldn't be THAT bad..", he thought as he walked to the door and listened. Hearing nothing, he carefully opened the door and stuck his candle in the room. He was amazed at what he saw. The entire room was filled with gold, jems, bags of money, and all sorts of great things. "No wonder the guy didn't want me to come in here", he said as he waded into the room and begun filling his pockets. All of a sudden, he heard a terrible sound to his right. He turned, and saw... a huge purple monkey! He staggered back in horror. Could it be? Yes, it was! The legendary Great Grape Ape! Parylized with fear, he watched as the Ape approached him, claws bloody, fangs dripping with sulfuric acid, eyes burning with the unquenchable fires of hell. (This was a REALLY scary monster.) Just as the Ape's claws closed around him, he overcame his fear and dodged the creature's deadly grasp. With a speed born of terror, he darted out of the room and down the hall. As soon as he judged that he had outrun the beast, he looked over his shoulder. To his horror, the Ape was following him. At that point he fell down a flight of stairs, as he was not looking where he was going. He picked himself up and continued to run. He could tell that the Ape was gaining on him from the pounding of the Ape's gargantuan feet on the floor behind him. Taking a desperate risk, he dove through a closed window, shattering the glass but avoiding any real injury to himself (he had once worked as a stuntman). Finding himself outside, he continued to run, now in the direction of the highway. He increased his pace significantly when he heard what he judged to be the Ape smashing through the wall he had just come through. Reaching the highway, he quickly scanned it for passing cars. To his great relief, he saw a Yellow Cab coming towards him, he flagged in down and jumped in. "Metropolis, driver, and step on it!". The cab took off, and Joe breathed a sigh of relief. He had never had such a close call in his life. After a few minutes the driver said, "Hey, Bud, look what's following us. Some crazy jogger or somethin'. " Joe whirled, and saw through the rear window... Yes, it was the Ape running after the car! He gasped and shouted to the driver, "Faster, he's gaining on us!". The next twenty miles were quite suspenseful for Joe, who was by now half insane with terror. The cabbie eventually asked Joe, "Where to, Bud? This citie's a big place." Joe, thinking quickly, said "The airport! Hurry!". When they got to the airport, Joe leaped out of the car, tossed the driver a handful of money, and headed for the flight desk. "The next flight to France! When does it leave?", he gasped. "5 minutes, sir", responded the attendant. "Smoking or non-smoking, window or aisle seat, plastic steak or styrofoam spagetthi?". "Whimper", responded Joe, looking fearfully at the door. Just as he got his boarding pass the Ape burst in. Ignoring a man who accosted him with "You don't have to run through airports anymore with Aphid", and stepping on a bunch of Hari Krishnas who offered him flowers, he headed straight for Joe, who had in the meantime run off as fast as he could in the direction of his flight. Reaching the plane just as it began to taxi, he jumped up onto the wing and, wrenching open the emergency hatch, tumbled into the aisle. "Coffee, tea, or..." offered a shapely flight attendant as he pushed past her and wearily sprawled into his seat. "Hello, this is Captain Oveur", the loudspeaker blared. "I will be your Captain today as we fly nonstop.." Having already seen the movie four times, Joe promptly went to sleep as the mighty cylinder of steel hurdled across the deep blue Atlantic on its way to Europe and safety... About a half hour before the scheduled arival time in Paris, Joe woke up and reflected upon his narrow escape. Just the sort of thing to turn a man into a born again Christian, he mused as he absentmindedly glanced out of the window. To his amusement he saw a small figure swimming in the ocean below him. "Probably some crazy athlete swimming the English Channel or something", he thought. Then a terrible thought crossed his mind. He took a closer look, and confirmed the thought which his entire being struggled to deny. It was the Ape! "Oh God, he thought, I'm done for now! But, maybe... maybe he can't climb!", he thought. Sustained by this idea, he waited in dreadful expectation until the plane landed in Paris. He jumped out and headed for the Eiffel Tower. He reached it just as the Ape came around the corner and, smashing a few buildings for effect, charged at the Tower. Joe, who was a very good climber, reached the top just as the Ape stopped at the bottom of the tower. He held his breath, hoping that he would be safe. To his intense dismay, however, the Ape began to climb towards him. "Now I'm done for", Joe thought. "There's nowhere else to run to. I've been beaten. Oh...". The Ape continued his climb until he reached Joe. Joe had by then given up all hope and become a born again Christian. The Ape reached out, and as Joe fearfully watched, tagged him and said "You're it!" Wayne Christopher whereever...