From: utzoo!decvax!genradbo!grkermit!markm
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Title: HHGttN #10
Article-I.D.: grkermit.268
Posted: Fri Jan 14 12:47:34 1983
Received: Sat Jan 15 08:31:19 1983


					 Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
							  Episode 10

(Zaphod, Rod, Gillian, and Marvin are still on their way to find out
more about Life, the Net, and Everything. From off in the distance
they hear a hollow roar punctuated by gunfire. Before they have a
chance to grasp the situation, a huge battle tank screeches to a halt
in front of them. It is a fearsome device with great nasty teeth
painted on it. The cannon looks as if it could punch a hole through a
small planet. A hatch opens and a rightly uniformed man steps out,
crushing a passing cat under his boot.)

Cat:	(splat)
Rod:	Wh . . . who are you?
Roarin' George:	I'm General Roarin' George Pahton. I heard there was
	some Singularans around here. Thought I'd do some American style
	joggering.
Zaphod:	Oh yeah, they went that a way.
Arnold Lint:	Why does everyone pick on the Singularans? They only
	seek meaningful personal relationships with people they find special.
Roarin' George:	Right, that's it, we're gonna have some order around
	here. No more of these damn cliches. From here on out, the following
	rules will apply: Anyone who uses the phrases 'special', 'personal
	relationship', or 'meaningful relationship' WILL be fined twenty
	dollars for the first offense. Subsequent offenders will have their
	genitalia removed with a sharp rock. Anyone who corrects the spelling
	of another, WILL be fined 100 dollars. I won't stand for any
	namby-pamby intellectuals checking spelling when there's so much to
	do. Anyone caught agreeing with anything an oppositly gendered
	personnel says in an obvious attempt to make points, WILL have both
	kneecaps shattered with a ball-pean hammer. Likewise, anyone saying
	things which are right out of soap operas with the intentions
	mentioned above WILL also have his (or her) kneecaps shattered with a
	ball-pean hammer. Remember, this is the NET, it's tough out there.
	Keep your emotions to yourself, do you want a bunch of commies to
	read that gooey crap? Why they'll think we're wimps, then they'll
	invade. They've started infiltrating already - ever been to one of
	the dating service places? They're all commies, draining away our
	precious bodily fluids. Now, get back to work!

(With that, he climbs back into the tank and drives off, casually
blowing a 4 foot hole in a nearby wall. Just then, the 12" CRT on
Zaphod's shoulder springs to life. On it is a man in a white suit
with a bible in one hand and a microphone in the other. He speaks:
"Friends. Why are we here today? We are here to hear the words -
(Amen) - to hear the holy words from the Holy Box - (Amen). Oh
blessed be the Holy Box, and it's disciples: Prophit Ronko, Prophit
K-Dul, and the Prophit Popeel - (Amen Amen Amen). Yes, they lead is
to immaculate spending. We here at the Church of the Divine Vision
believe in Johnny and Merv and Mike. TV is the reflection of life, and
life is a reflection of reality, therefore TV IS REALITY.  Yes, Mrs
Olson may be a Nazi, but if you buy Foljers, you can bake just like
her. And Robert Yung may have multiple personalities and a penchant for
farm animals, but if you drink his coffee, you can remain calm in the
midst of a nuclear explosion . . . ")

Rod:	Shut that OFF.
Zaphod:	Bloody religious fanatics.
Arnold Lint:	What an odd religion, worshipping a TV, seems hard to
	believe.
Martin:	Not really, just another awful attempt to deal with this
	miserable Net. It's all a cop out. You can't understand something so
	you pretend that there is something else in control. It's all rubbish.
Gillian:	Quiet. Of course there's a supreme being.
Martin:	If you say so, but if God didn't already exist, he would have
	to be invented.
Rod:	It's hopeless talking to him.

[*****************************************************************************

"The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" indicates that the members of the
Church of the Divine Vision are basically agnostics. They prefer to
believe what they see on the tube to what some half starved people
wrote about over 2000 years ago. They can't meet God, but if the TV
gives them trouble, they can always replace it. Their belief led to
the writing of the Video Testament, which is the gospel for all
believers in the Holy Box. Although it seems unlikely, the Church of
the Divine Vision was supposed to have formed some amazing concepts
as to how the Net exists.

*****************************************************************************]

Gillian:	Let's go.
Martin:	Do we have to?

(They all ignore Martin and press on. Two days later they arrive at
their destination. In front of them is a rather bug-eyed looking
lizard.)

Zaphod:	Hey man, are you the one with the dope on Life, the Net, and
	Everything.
Lizard:	Yes, I am Teddy the Wonder Lizard. I know all there is to
	know about Life, the Net, and Everything. 
Rod:	Well, tell us!
Gillian:	Please do!
Teddy:	You won't like it.
Martin:	(sarcasticly) Now that's a real surprise.
Teddy:	Are you sure you want to know?
Arnold Lint:	Yes, what is it, got to more than forty-bloody-two.
Teddy:	Yes, that was the answer we told the Net. We figured that the
	real answer was so awful, they'd rather get something vague and argue
	about it forever.
Zaphod:	Well, out with it.
Teddy:	It's all here, in the Video Testament!

(He hands Zaphod an old looking book, pops about a dozen valiums, and
then switches on a nearby TV set. He is watching 'Real People'.)

Zaphod:	Well, that should finish him off.
Arnold Lint:	The drugs?
Rod:	No, 'Real People', lowers the IQ so much that the brain just
	packs it in and you die.
Gillian:	Find the answer already!
Zaphod:	Okay, now lets see . . .

		******************** End Of Part 10 ********************

What is the answer to Life, the Net, and Everything? Why are we here?
Are we here? And why is it that vampires never attack Jewish
nieghborhoods? For the answers to some of these questions . . . Tune
in next time . . .  same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.