From: utzoo!watmath!cbostrum
Newsgroups: net.singles
Title: Dependency in relationships
Article-I.D.: watmath.4145
Posted: Fri Dec 31 09:35:59 1982
Received: Sat Jan  1 00:32:15 1983

I dont think the issue of dependency is nearly as simple as some people
have made it out to be. The replies seem to suggest that many of us really
do toe the good old american line of "I am a rock". Especially for men, right?
Note the the question being bandied about was whether a *woman* could stand
a *man* who was overly dependent. (Now of course, expressing his behavior like 
that makes it bad by definition; we should really be asking what sort
and degree of dependence is bad.)
Perhaps it was phrased this way because of the original question, but there
is no denying that different sorts of dependency are expected in the typical
monogamous heterosexual relationship (TMSR, is there a TMGR yet?). This is
no point to go into how traditionally, men are supposed to be strong,
independent, blah blah, and women weak, dependent, more blah blah.

I imagine that most people here take as some form of laudable ideal a type
of monogamous relationship where there is the "one special person" (OSP).
The thing is that this by its very nature implies quite a great deal of
dependence. This is easy to see if one notes that traditional sort of
behavior expected from each of the OSP's in the TMR. 

This really does expose some very interesting questions about value and
the meaning of life. One way of giving your life value is by doing interesting,
great, and beautiful things, or things that are concretely useful for others.
Loving someone, or being loved, in the traditional monogamous relationship,
is another.

I think that many people would feel most uncomfortable with the sort of
dependency that would result when one partner is using the TMR as 
the primary way of providing his or her life with meaning.
This is certainly true of me; I would comfortably accept quite a high
degree of what is normally considered dependence provided that the
relationship was not producing the primary source of value for my OSP.
This would probably allow all sorts of things that many people would not;
many types of traditionally undesireable dependence would be tolerated if the
person obtained a great deal of value from independent sources. 
It really wouldnt be the type of dependence, but some sort of quantitative
sume total of all dependence that was the deciding factor. The more value
obtained elsewhere, the more dependence is tolerated. 

In such a situation, I see nothing wrong with dependence, and in fact I
think there could even be some positive results from such a dependence.