From: utzoo!watmath!cbostrum Newsgroups: net.singles Title: Dependency in relationships Article-I.D.: watmath.4145 Posted: Fri Dec 31 09:35:59 1982 Received: Sat Jan 1 00:32:15 1983 I dont think the issue of dependency is nearly as simple as some people have made it out to be. The replies seem to suggest that many of us really do toe the good old american line of "I am a rock". Especially for men, right? Note the the question being bandied about was whether a *woman* could stand a *man* who was overly dependent. (Now of course, expressing his behavior like that makes it bad by definition; we should really be asking what sort and degree of dependence is bad.) Perhaps it was phrased this way because of the original question, but there is no denying that different sorts of dependency are expected in the typical monogamous heterosexual relationship (TMSR, is there a TMGR yet?). This is no point to go into how traditionally, men are supposed to be strong, independent, blah blah, and women weak, dependent, more blah blah. I imagine that most people here take as some form of laudable ideal a type of monogamous relationship where there is the "one special person" (OSP). The thing is that this by its very nature implies quite a great deal of dependence. This is easy to see if one notes that traditional sort of behavior expected from each of the OSP's in the TMR. This really does expose some very interesting questions about value and the meaning of life. One way of giving your life value is by doing interesting, great, and beautiful things, or things that are concretely useful for others. Loving someone, or being loved, in the traditional monogamous relationship, is another. I think that many people would feel most uncomfortable with the sort of dependency that would result when one partner is using the TMR as the primary way of providing his or her life with meaning. This is certainly true of me; I would comfortably accept quite a high degree of what is normally considered dependence provided that the relationship was not producing the primary source of value for my OSP. This would probably allow all sorts of things that many people would not; many types of traditionally undesireable dependence would be tolerated if the person obtained a great deal of value from independent sources. It really wouldnt be the type of dependence, but some sort of quantitative sume total of all dependence that was the deciding factor. The more value obtained elsewhere, the more dependence is tolerated. In such a situation, I see nothing wrong with dependence, and in fact I think there could even be some positive results from such a dependence.