From: utzoo!utcsrgv!larry Newsgroups: net.jokes Title: Drinkers Fault Finding Guide! Article-I.D.: utcsrgv.806 Posted: Wed Jan 5 09:44:36 1983 Received: Wed Jan 5 10:27:26 1983 DRINKERS FAULT FINDING GUIDE ---------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SYMPTOM | FAULT | ACTION TO BE TAKEN --------------------+-----------------------+----------------------------------- Drinking fails to | Mouth not open while | Buy another pint and practice in give satisfaction | drinking OR Glass | front of a mirror. Continue with and taste; shirt | being applied to wrong| as many pints necessary until front wet. | part of face. | drinking technique is perfect. --------------------+-----------------------+----------------------------------- Drinking fails to | | give satisfaction | | Find someone who will buy you and taste; beer | Glass empty. | another pint. unusually pale and | | clear. | | --------------------+-----------------------+----------------------------------- Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at | Turn glass the other way up so | incorrect angle. | that the open end is pointing | | towards the ceiling. --------------------+-----------------------+----------------------------------- | | Go and stand next to the nearest | | dog - after a while complain to Feet warm and wet. | Loss of self control. | its owner about its lack of house | | training and demand a pint in | | compensation. --------------------+-----------------------+----------------------------------- | You are looking | Find someone who will buy you Bar blurred. | through the bottom of | another pint. | your empty glass. | --------------------+-----------------------+----------------------------------- | Air turbulence | Bar swaying. | unusually high - maybe| Insert a broom handle down the | due to the darts match| back of jacket. | in progress. | --------------------+-----------------------+----------------------------------- | | Find out if you are being taken to Bar moving. | You are being carried | another pub - if not complain | out. | loudly that you are being | | hi-jacked. --------------------+-----------------------+----------------------------------- You notice that the | | If glass is still full and no one wall opposite is | You have fallen over | is standing on your drinking arm, covered with ceiling| backwards. | stay put. If not, get someone to tiles, and has a | | to help you up and lash yourself fluorescent light | | to the bar. strip across it. | | --------------------+-----------------------+----------------------------------- Everything has gone | | dim and you have a | Your have fallen over | As for falling over backwards. mouthfull of dog- | forwards. | ends and teeth. | | --------------------+-----------------------+----------------------------------- You have woken up to| | find your bed hard | | cold and wet. You | You have spent the | Check your watch to see if it is cannot see your | night in the gutter. | opening time - if not treat bedroom walls or | | yourself to a lie-in. ceiling. | | --------------------+-----------------------+----------------------------------- Everything has gone | The pub is closing. | Panic!! dark. | | --------------------------------------------------------------------------------