From: utzoo!decvax!genradbo!grkermit!markm
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Title: HHGttN 11 + 12; One mo' time
Article-I.D.: grkermit.288
Posted: Tue Feb  1 11:33:01 1983
Received: Wed Feb  2 06:00:53 1983
Expires: Tue Mar  1 00:00:00 1983

 
There seem to have been real problems getting 11 and 12 out yonder. I'm
reposting them together to (hopefully) rectify the situation. Apologies to
anyone who has received 11 and 12.


					 Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
		   Episode 11 - Life, The Net, and Everything Part 1

(Xaphod, Rod, Gillian, and Arnold Lint have just received the 'Video
Testament' - a scripture said to contain the answer to Life, the Net,
and Everything.)

Rod:	Well, go on, read it.
Arnold Lint:	Do you think we should?
Xaphod:	Yah, why not.
Martin:	I can think of a few reasons.
Gillian:	Quiet, we're going to find out what it all means. Aren't
	you the least bit excited.
Martin:	(droning sarcasticly) Oh yes, I can hardly contain myself.
Xaphod:	Never mind him, lets read this amazingly amazing book.

(They open the book and it speaks to them.)

Book:	Hark, who goest there.
Rod:	Uh, who are you?
Book:	I . . . am the Video Testament. The compendium of all
	knowledge and smart stuff from the mythical age of Kubla Konthemasus.
	You may call me . . . Ralph.

[*****************************************************************************

"The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" has this to say about the
mythical ruler Kubla Konthemasus: He was reported to be from Austria
or Germany. He was supposed to be short and have a funny little
mustache. He was supposed to have died in 1945 and then be reborn in
Argentina. His followers looked upon him as a sort of Messiah, who
lead them to the land of Silk and Money. All of this is, of course,
purely hypothetical; as were Konthemasus' friends Herman (Hermie)
McGoering, and Crazy Joe Stalinson.

*****************************************************************************]

Xaphod:	Ralph?
Ralph:	Well, what do you expect?
Rod:	Well, not Ralph.
Gillian:	Can you tell us . . .
Ralph:	The answer to Life, the Net, and Everything.
Gillian:	. . . why yes.
Arnold Lint:	That's amazing.
Xaphod:	To you it would be.
Rod:	Tell us what it all means.
Ralph:	You won't like it.
Martin:	That's no surprise.
Xaphod:	Just ignore him.
Ralph:	Well, it all began sometime in the 1950's. A group of very
	wealthy and powerful men assembled in Argentina under the guidance of
	a man calling himself Kubla Konthemasus. This group of magnates were
	from various political affiliations - Nazis, Communists, Capitalists,
	and Urologists. They all liked money and wanted to rule the world.
	They also realised that TV was going to be the tool that would give
	them the leverage they needed.
Xaphod:	I don't like the way this is starting to sound.
Rod: Me neither.
Ralph:	I warned you.
Martin:	You should have listened  to him.
Arnold Lint:	Go on.
Ralph:	Well, they began to infiltrate the TV industry. Soon they not
	only owned huge percentages of each network, but had also emplaced
	their own people into many of the creative positions at each network.
	Then they began to manipulate things. They decided to cast the world
	in an image that they could easily control. So each little kid on TV
	was either predictably (and sickeningly) nice and helpful, or
	predictably always getting into trouble. Women were either
	predictably aggressive or predictably obtuse. You see, they set up
	patterns of behavior that they could count on. Once they could
	predict and control  how the public would react to something, they
	could do whatever they wanted. Whenever they wanted to do something
	really tricky (like when they took over the Mid-East oil fields in
	the late 70's and early 80's) they made sure to get the country
	thinking their way before hand with a massive TV bombardment. If it
	was a topic that they knew nobody would go for no matter how they
	publicised it, they flooded the airways with those sickening human
	emotion type TV-movies. Things like "Plight of the Forgotten
	Children" or "Why is Daddy always angry?". The kind of stuff that
	makes you want to blow lunch.
Rod:	Wow, thats amazing.
Xaphod:	Yah.
Ralph:	Their greatest triumph was getting a president elected. Their
	plan was simple. They made sure that the east coast was for their
	candidate, leaving the west coast alone. Then, on election day, the
	TV 'predictions' claimed their candidate to be a sure winner. Due to
	the time difference, all the people on the west coast thought the
	election was over anyway and didn't even bother to vote.
Xaphod:	Wow, imagine getting a president elected by manipulating the
	media.
Ralph:	And guess what . . . he was an actor!
Gillian:	What a coincidence.
Rod:	Yah, imagine that.
Martin:	Doesn't surprise me . . . I expect such things from humans.
Arnold Lint:	But what does all this have to do with the Net?
Gillian:	Yah, controlling TV is great but most people in the Net
	are far too dedicated to their work to partake of anything as tacky
	as TV. We're all thoroughly dedicated professionals.

(If it were possible for an andriod to supress a burst of
uncontrollable laughter, that is what Martin could now be described
as doing.)

Rod:	Yah what about the Net!?
Ralph:	Well . . .

		******************** End Of Part 11 ********************

What are the interests of this Neo-Nazi-Communist-Capitalist
organization in the Net? The answer will surprise you - unless you're
a great stupid twit. To find out more  . . . Tune in next time . . .
same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.



					 Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
		   Episode 12 - Life, The Net, and Everything Part 2

(Ralph, the 'Video Testament' is just about to explain Life, the Net,
and Everything to the crew of the Infinity)

Gillian:	Tell us, what does all this neo-Nazi stuff have to do
	with the Net.
Arnold Lint:	I don't think I want to know.
Martin:	Me neither.
Rod:	Quiet.
Xaphod:	Go on . . .
Ralph:	Anyway, Kubla Konthemasus' followers were doing great.
	Anything they showed on TV was immediately accepted as truth. Disco
	became an overnight sensation, and then was phased out when the
	profit wasn't great enough. It was soon realised that there was a
	significant group of people in computer related fields who possessed
	considerable wealth. It was also realised that these people were not
	being taken in by the video blitz.
Arnold Lint:	Good for us!
Martin:	Not really, I'm afraid.
Ralph:	Very perceptive, robot. Konthemasus' research showed that
	hackers do not believe what they see or hear, unless it comes across
	a computer terminal. It was fast becoming apparent that computers
	would be vital to the power of the new regime, so it was vital that
	anyone who worked with computers could be controlled.
Gillian:	Yes, but what does that have to do with the Net? The Net
	is an exchange of ideas and ideals between computer professionals!

(Martin starts coughing sarcasticly)

Ralph:	Kubla Konthemasus, in a brilliant stroke, figured out a way to
	not only carry out an experiment in behavioral psychology on the
	computing professionals, but also to put into action all his
	findings. He created the Net. You see, there are a few key links in
	the Net controlled by his men. At first they tried a variety of
	topics and tested reactions. Then they started trying to bend the
	opinion of Net-landers. First by trying to get everyone to like
	current trends in music, then by trying to create the impression that
	North Dakota does not exist. Anyone who rejected the ideas they tried
	to push, and was fool enough to say so, was put onto a list. This
	list will be used to purge the society of all those who would corrupt
	the purity of essence of Konthemasus' new order of conformity and
	religious fulfillment. 
Xaphod:	Wow, that's unbelievable.
Rod:	Yah, I don't think I do believe it.
Arnold Lint:	Me neither . . . An actor in the white house? . . .
	No North Dakota? . . . Couldn't happen!
Gillian:	I don't know, maybe . . .
Ralph:	Well, that's about it. I've got to go, lots to do.
Rod:	What could a book have to do?
Ralph:	About an ounce of cocaine!

(With that, Ralph vanishes into thin air. The crew of the Infinity is
left standing, dumbfounded by what they have heard. They start to
leave and come to the door. There is a moment of hesitation.)

Gillian:	If anyone of you open the door for me, I'll put the boot
	in.
Arnold Lint:	What's with her.
Rod:	she's an ERA.
Arnold Lint:	 A what?
Xaphod:	ERA - An Extra Rights Activist.

[*****************************************************************************

According to "The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net", the Extra Rights
Activists group was started by a group of women who were quite upset
by their station in life. They didn't just want equality, they wanted
superiority. They figured they could get all the privileges of
equality with men, and yet retain all the conveniences regarded them
as women.  They wanted equal pay for less work, lower taxes for
women, shorter work hours. After all, the fairer sex shouldn't have to
work so hard, but they do deserve the same pay. They didn't want to
join the army though. They felt that in some cases, where it was
convenient, men could still have it all. The one thing you could do
to make an ERA mad was to hold the door for her. They took it as a
sign of harassment . . . no one knows why. Other acts of courtesy
were also mistaken as antagonising the ERA movement. Helping an ERA
with her coat was the same as telling her she smelled like bathroom
at the National Food Poisoners Convention. Helping an ERA with her
chair in a restaurant was tantamount to clubbing her about the head
with a moldy Albatros.  In response to this threat to male dominated
society, the all-male anti-ERA faction MCP (Male Counter-ERA Pact)
circulated a pamphlet explaining what a man could do if the woman he
was with gave any indications of trying to open the door before he
could open it for her. It read as follows:

=============================================================================

			   ** How not to hold the door for an ERA **

If the woman you are with starts to race for the door so she can open
it for herself, and this upsets you, here are a few things you can do
to make sure it won't happen again.

*	Just as she gets up to speed, trip her from behind.
*	When she has a large enough lead, and has the door open, stop to
	tie your shoe.
*	If there is a convenient doorway (like a men's room) nearby, what
	until she isn't looking and duck in as she opens the door.
*	If she is holding the door, take hold of it as you enter the
	doorway and close it behind. Locking it is a sure-fire clue to her
	that you are displeased.
*	If there is a long corridor before the offending door, and she
	starts to speed up, keep pace with her. When you both hit a dead run,
	body check her into the wall. A well timed 'Ooops' will make it all
	look innocent. This is dangerous if you are with a lady roller
	derby player.
*	If you really don't care about offending her, give her a quick
	feel just as she turns away from you to head for the door. Of course,
	she may never turn her back on you again.

Remember, there is nothing wrong with being courteous. But if she
won't take it gracefully, make it bloody inconvenient for her to keep
doing so.

=============================================================================

The ERA movement, surprisingly, took no action against the MCP. Rumor
has it that they settled the debate in some non-violent manner.
History notes that there followed a sudden increase in the sale of
plastic drop clothes and corn oil followed by a sudden increase in
births about 9 months later.

*****************************************************************************]


		******************** End Of Part 12 ********************

Will Arnold Lint hold the door for Gillian? Or will he become a
soprano? To find out . . . Tune in next time . . .  same Net-time . .
. same Net-channel.