From: utzoo!decvax!genradbo!grkermit!markm
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Title: HHGttN #1,#2 Copies
Article-I.D.: grkermit.256
Posted: Tue Jan  4 09:18:41 1983
Received: Wed Jan  5 01:12:32 1983

 
A few people have asked for copies of HHGttN numbers 1 and 2. Rather than
send them out, which doesn't always seem to work, I'll post them here. Those
of you who have read them already, hit 'q'. Sorry for any inconvenience . . .



					 Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
					   Episode 1 - First Meeting

One day, not long after tomorrow, Arnold Lint was busy scrolling
through the seemingly infinite reaches of the Net. All of a sudden
the news stopped with an abrupt thud, followed by the angry message
"YOUR NODE HAS BEEN REDUCED TO A LITTLE BLACK, GREASY SPLOTCH IN MY
MEMORY SPACE!!".  No sooner had he assimilated this horrendous event
when a great suction like noise began to eminate from his terminal.
"This is it", he said to himself, "I'm going to die". The screen on
his terminal the imploded and he suddenly found himself sucked into
the terminal . . . . . . . . . . . .

(Arnold Lint regains consciousness, only to find  himself in the
company of an odd trio. One of the trio is an apparently normal human
male (named Rod Perfect) and the second is a voluptuos young woman
(named Gillian). The third is also a normal male (named Xaphod
Gronklebox), except for a third, mechanical, arm and a 12" CRT on his
shoulder that keeps scrolling "Pieces of Eight, Pieces of Eight".)

Rod: Evening all! I'm Rod Perfect, awfully rude of you imploding on
	us this way, you silly twit.
Arnold Lint: Sorry. Am I dead?
Xaphod: Obviously not, you semi-evolved simian! Are all you
	net-landers so stupid. If you were dead would I be talking to you?
	I'm Xaphod Gronklebox, the famous inter-net-al criminal and dog
	molester - you must have heard of me.
Arnold Lint: Actually, no, I haven't.
Xaphod: Oh well, your loss. I just hijacked this node! It's called
	the Infinity, isn't it wild. Just imagine the places we can go in this
	baby.

(Rod notices that Arnold's eyes are transfixed on the young woman)

Rod: Her name's Gillian, at least that's what she wants to be called.
	Actually, her real name is Gertrude Floogie, but she didnt't like it,
	so she changed it.

(Arnold Lint detects a mechanical sound to his right. A robot soon
walks into view)

Robot: My name is Martin. I am sure you will have an absolutely awful
	time on this node, I always have. I do not know why they insist on
	trying to do things to change the Net, they can only make it worse.
	No matter what happens, some one always says something stupid and
	ruins everything. Then someone else feels obliged to a rebuttal, and
	on and on it goes. How awful. Still, what do you expect from an
	imperfect Net.
Rod: Martin is a bit, well, depressing.
Xaphod: He's a real downer, man!
Martin: That's right, ridicule me. See what I care. I'm only an
	android. Just another example of cruelty in this awful Net.

(***************************************************************************** 
The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" defines cruelty as having to see
constant repetitions of the same salutory comment in more than 20
messages.  History shows that a war was fought over the repetition of
the statement "If you don't like my name - push off, signed xxxx"
appearing in 200 messages from the node of Moronicus. Since that
time, any time a salutory message is used more than 20 times,
subsequent violators have their pelvis screwed to a cake stand while
they are forced to watch repeats of "The Gong Show".
*****************************************************************************)

Arnold Lint: Well, what do we do now? 
Xaphod: We're on our way to Netrothea. (The 12" CRT on his shoulder
	now starts repeating "Polly want a sedative, Polly want a sedative")
	There's supposed to be all sorts of wild and amazingly great things
	in that place!
Rod: Martin, set course for Netrothea!
Martin: All right, but you're not going to like it.
Gillian: What will we find on Netrothea?
Xaphod: Well, there's supposed to be a huge stockpile of data there
	that we can sell to the Net for millions.
Arnold Lint: A stockpile of what?
Xaphod: Data! Data! You idiot. Knowledge is power in the Net. All
that data has been accumulating over the centuries. Just imagine the
amazingly amazing philosophical Net-discussions that it stored. I mean,
the Net is the focal point of all wisdom. Just think of all that
smart stuff! Wow!

(*****************************************************************************
The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" insists that the focal point of all
knowledge in not the Net itself. Rather, it is the fourth stall in
the mens room in Grand Central Station. No one has ever been dumb
enough to waste time disproving this wild claim, so the publishers
avoided some nasty laws suits.
*****************************************************************************)

Xaphod: We'll have millions! We'll by everything! No, we'll have
	billions, trillions, . . . .

(Xaphod begins to shake violently and froth at the mouth, then he
falls over backward. A few seconds later he comes to.)

Xaphod: Well, lets go!
Rod: You all right?
Xaphod: Yah, sure. Just the excitement of new conquests.
Arnold Lint: Looked more like Flamers-syndrome to me.
Xaphod: You should talk, you  key-pounding half-wit.
Gillian: If we're going to go, lets go already.
Martin: Do we really have to?
Rod: YES!

(Just as the node starts on it's way, a host of flame-shaped vessels
became visible on the scanners)

Rod: Funny you should mention Flamers-syndrome.
Xaphod: Oh, hell!
Gillian: What are they?
Xaphod: Damn, those are ships belonging  the Flamers. They go after
	anything, no matter how pointless or unimportant it is. If they catch
	us, we could suffer permanent brain damage, or worse yet - join the
	Moral Majority
Arnold Lint: So this it it, we're all going to die!
Martin: I told you that you would like it.
Others: Oh Shut Up!

		******************** End Of Part 1 ********************

Will Arnold and his new travelling companions escape the Flamers? Or will
they end up playing rock albums backwards at 66.6 RPM? For the answers to
these, and countless other pointless questions . . . Tune in next time . . .
same Net-time . . . same Net-channel


					 Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
					   Episode 2 - The Flamers


(The Infinity's scanners are showing the Flamer's ships approaching
fast.  Arnold Lint and Rod Perfect are franticly scurrying about.
Xaphod is trying to figure out how to fly the node, and Gillian is
fixing her makeup. Martin the android is off on a corner moping about
how he's too young to die.)

Xaphod:	This is the node Infinity, we are on a peaceful, although a
	bit mercenary, mission. Hold your fire.

(The commander of the Flamer's fleet appears on the screen. He
appears to be a normal human, except for a small silver halo stapled
to his head.)

Flamer:	I am Adolf Riteyus, commander of the Flaming Queen. You have
	violated Flaming space and must be blasted. You will be given a
	fair and drawn out hearing before you are found guilty.
Rod:	We didn't know this was Flaming space!
Adolf:	Ignorance is no excuse. Do you think that just because you
	don't know something you shouldn't be responsible for it? Why, if we
	didn't go around blasting people who thought they were innocent,
	there'd be no order. The whole power structure of the Net is based on
	the inalienable right to flame. He who flames the loudest and
	strongest will prevail, for he will have maintained purity of essence
	by not compromising his principles. It doesn't matter what one flames
	about, as long as one comes out a winner. Winning the argument for
	mandatory retroactive birth control is one of our greatest victories.
	We Flamers always win because we never give up. No, things are either
	our way or they're WRONG.

[The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" lists the Flamers as one of the
most argumentative races in the Net. History shows that the Flamers
went to war over the right to keep and bear tongue depressors. They
also had a violent and bloody discussion over the morality of Odor
Eaters. The only time the Flamers can be easily beaten in combat is
on Sunday mornings when they all watch evangelist shows, or during
Ronco "Mr. Microphone" commercials (their symbol of worship).]

Gillian:	What should we do?
Xaphod:	How 'bout evasive actions?
Marvin:	It won't help.
Rod:	Oh shut up!
Rod:	OK, evasive action!
Adolf:	Where do you come from?
Xaphod:	Not from around here.
Adolf:	Where are you headed?
Rod:	Left.
Gillian:	That's telling him?
Adolf:	What is your favorite color?
Arnold Lint:	My what?
Adolf:	Your favorite color!
Rod:	White!
Adolf:	What is the maximum warp speed of a ladened Swaldrel?
Xaphod:	Denebian or Rigelian?
Adolf:	I don't know that . . . all right, enough evading, if you
	don't surrender in the next five seconds I'll blast you right out of
	existance.
Rod:	Well, now what.
Adolf:	Five!
Arnold Lint:	What's this button do?
Adolf:	Four!
Xaphod:	That's the Illogical Drive. It propels the node on power from
	hard drugs and acid rock. It's kind of dangerous though.
Adolf:	Three!
Arnold Lint:	Should we try it?
Adolf:	Two!
Rod:	Well, lets not . . . Four!
Adolf:	Four!
Arnold Lint:	So this is it, we're all going to die.
Adolf:	Three!
Martin:	I warned you about this trip.
Adolf:	Two!
Xaphod:	All right, all right, engage the Illogical Drive!
Adolf:	One!

(Arnold Lint engages the Illogical drive. Images of the movie "Easy
Rider" float across the view port. "In-a-gadda-da-vida" starts coming
across the radio. The 12" CRT on Xaphod's shoulder starts scrolling
"Wow man, what a trip!". The scanners show that the Flamers couldn't
handle the sudden flood of sensory excitation and burst their brains.
This only made their reactions a bit slower though as the Flamer's brain
is remarkably small. The Infinity, charged up with Liquid Super
Duetrillium, was able to make warp speed and turn the corner before
the Highway patrol picked them up on radar. This was fortunate for it
meant that they wouldn't be caught by  Spiny Norman, the 45 foot blue
hedgehog that had been following them.)

Gillian:	We made it.
Rod:	Yah, where are we Martin.
Martin:	We're way out man.
Xaphod:	Oh, he's useless now - it'll take a while before he comes
	down.
Arnold Lint:	At least he isn't so gloomy.
Martin:	Nooo body knows, the trouble I've see . . . have any of you
	ever contemplated the death of a grain of salt? 

[The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" points out that the life and
death of a grain of salt can have amazing importance in the course of
life on the Net.  On particular grain of salt (named Nigel) was
responsible for the overthrow of an entire government. Nigel gave his

                  . <- Nigel

life by falling into the barrel of a shotgun that was aimed that the
planets dictator. Thanks to lousy marksmanship on the part of the
rebels, only Nigel was able to hit the dictator. The rest of the buck
shot killed the dictator's pet salmon, Eric.  Nigel, however,
penetrated the dictators eye and eventually killed him 8 months later
just before a firing squad cut the dictator in two.]

Rod:	Shut Up!
Xaphod:	Well, lets get back on course.
Arnold Lint:	What are those?

(The scanners now show a dozen ships shaped like the number one
heading toward the Infinity.)

Xaphod:	Those are Singularan ships. They're worse than flamers!  
Rod: Oh yeah, they're worse than a visit from an insurance salesman. 
Gillian:	They're normally mild mannered computer scientists. But
	when they get on the Net, they become endowed with a superhuman
	ability to talk about incredibly personal things, things they
	couldn't otherwise discuss. 
Arnold Lint:	Sounds awful.
Martin:	That's what I keep telling you.
Rod:	Shut up!
Xaphod:	If we don't get out of here fast, we'll end up debating which
	finger a divorced person should wear his or her ring on  when going
	to homosexual orgies - or worse, have to go to a Pot Luck Dinner
	where all that the people do is talk.

		******************** End Of Part 2 ********************

Will the crew of the infinity avoid the clutches of the Singularans?
Or will they end up exchanging recipes for onion dip. For the answers
to these and several other amazingly unimportant questions . . . Tune
in next time . . .  same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.