From: utzoo!andy
Newsgroups: net.women
Title: Fed-up and healthy 
Article-I.D.: utzoo.2789
Posted: Thu Feb  3 12:35:32 1983
Received: Thu Feb  3 12:35:32 1983


Rather than reply to all you hecklers via mail, I though I would save myself
a lot of typing and do it here. To all those who mailed me their "comments"
and flames, thanks for your concern but all you have done is reinforce
my (ok guys, jump on this; I said MY, not OUR) convictions.

I have to admit I find the need to justify and defend the moral obligations
of parents and the rights of children distasteful and troubling (but after
reading the pro-abortionists' articles it is easier to understand). Is it
so unreasonable and unsavory to give your children the love, attention
and care they deserve? Is a career or money or "ME" all that matters? It
is a sad commentary on our society that we can rationalize and justify
our selfishness and then mock and attack those that refuse to accept
cop-outs. Sure there are exceptions, the single parent who needs to
work, the rape victim whose child would be an unwanted further trauma.
But let's not generalize and rationalize on the basis of a comparatively
small number of cases. It all boils down to convenience and the ME
generation. Sacrifice vs. convenience. If you choose to let someone
else raise your children or if you choose to abort a child conceived
as a result of an "accident", in most cases (I repeat MOST, not all)
it is out of convenience. You may feel guilty about it but you do
it anyway because it's your life and you come first.

If you put yourself or your career ahead of your children you rationalize
it by saying you need to be happy with yourself or you need the "experience"
or "self-fulfillment". You can have your career and make up for time lost
when you come home after work--it's quality not quantity that counts
anyway, so you just try harder in the little time you have. Come on people,
open your eyes. Do you really think that after a day of full-time
work you can give your child the attention and love it desperately needs?
Your children will be sent to school soon enough, don't rush them out
of the house even before they can walk. How many sitters and daycare
workers hear a child's first words; how many children adopt views and
develop personalities with little or no parental input; how many
children (or adults for that matter) can really talk to their parents
and consider them friends? Sure, there are children that are indeed
better off with both parents at work, but again, let's not get bogged-
down with comparatively small percentages. Maybe I am an overly-
sensitive, emotional jerk. But when my children grow up I won't
be worried by doubts that I didn't sacrifice and didn't try to do
my best. Being a parent is a sacrifice, don't ever doubt it, but
if you think your children aren't worth that sacrifice and that you
are number one on the priority list, don't have children.

And don't assume that all non-working mothers are mindless, subservient
char ladies. And also don't assume their working husbands are selfish,
chauvinist pigs. Mothers are the ones who accept the responsibility
of the most important and rewarding career there is. Fathers are the
ones who are forced to make enough money to pay the bills (that's a
fact of life; men make more money than women.) and spend what little
free time they have with their children in the hope they can in some
way make up for time lost at the workplace (in between helping clean
house, do shopping, fixing cars, maintaining the home, etc.--maybe it's
time for a men's liberation movement.). Maybe I am living on another
planet and my neighbors and I are atypical of the "average" family,
but that's the way it is. My wife is lucky enough (those are her words,
not mine, so dont flame at me) to be able to actively partake in
the care and nurturing of our children. She is a mother, the heart
of our family, someone that keeps it all together and makes all of
us thankful that the ME-generation advocates haven't succeeded in
their brainwashing. So please don't belittle her and other mothers
by assuming all non-working mothers are forced into their position
by domineering husbands--just because you wouldn't want to do it
doesn't mean everyone thinks likewise.

I have been talking about sacrifice and I am sure there are many itching
fingers out there ready to blast me with the question, "What are YOU
sacrificing while your wife raises YOUR children?" I have to admit
that my sacrifices don't seem like very much. Sure I go out and work
and will do so for the next 30 years, I do all I can to help with
cleaning and maintaining the house, I babysit when my wife goes to
evening classes or needs a "night out", I take the children to the
zoo or for a walk in the woods to give my wife some quiet time for
herself, and other seemingly trivial things that all responsible
fathers/husbands normally do. I don't have an expensive wardrobe, I
fix my own car, I don't "go out with the boys", I have abandoned most
of my hobbies, etc., but I don't really feel I am sacrificing anything.
Whatever I do or don't do is because I love my children. I have yet
to sit around grumbling about reading some dumb story to the children
when I could be out fishing. I don't begrudge the last 30 dollars in
the checkbook when it goes for gymnastics lessons, books or something
one of my daughters wants (not needs) instead of a few fishing lures
or something else for myself. I guess what I am saying is that the
sacrifice is just something to think about before having children.
Once they are born, the word "sacrifice" doesn't seem to mean anything
any more. You just want the best for your children and don't consider
yourself a martyr when "denied" or "forced" into doing things. I don't
think I have been very successful in articulating the feeling; maybe
only parents reading this know what I mean. We thought about the change
in lifestyle and "sacrifices" ahead when we decided to have children.
We decided we were ready to accept the responsibility and sacrifices.
The decision who would stay at home was made for us. In our case, we
were lucky because it was mutually agreeable (i.e. my wife wanted to
stay at home and my salary was twice hers). So long as you are willing
to accept sacrifices (perhaps other parents may indeed feel they are
making sacrifices), both parents are supportive of each other (don't
forget the working parent needs a pat on the back too), and you are
willing to put your children at the top of your priority list, then
you have the makings of a good parent. Remove any one of these three
prerequisites and your chances of success are diminished (I am not
saying it's impossible, it's just very difficult and the odds are
against you.)

	An obstinate but proud parent
	Andy Rubaszek
	decvax!utzoo!andy