From: utzoo!decvax!genradbo!grkermit!markm Newsgroups: net.jokes Title: HHGttN #1,#2 Copies Article-I.D.: grkermit.256 Posted: Tue Jan 4 09:18:41 1983 Received: Wed Jan 5 01:12:32 1983 A few people have asked for copies of HHGttN numbers 1 and 2. Rather than send them out, which doesn't always seem to work, I'll post them here. Those of you who have read them already, hit 'q'. Sorry for any inconvenience . . . Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net Episode 1 - First Meeting One day, not long after tomorrow, Arnold Lint was busy scrolling through the seemingly infinite reaches of the Net. All of a sudden the news stopped with an abrupt thud, followed by the angry message "YOUR NODE HAS BEEN REDUCED TO A LITTLE BLACK, GREASY SPLOTCH IN MY MEMORY SPACE!!". No sooner had he assimilated this horrendous event when a great suction like noise began to eminate from his terminal. "This is it", he said to himself, "I'm going to die". The screen on his terminal the imploded and he suddenly found himself sucked into the terminal . . . . . . . . . . . . (Arnold Lint regains consciousness, only to find himself in the company of an odd trio. One of the trio is an apparently normal human male (named Rod Perfect) and the second is a voluptuos young woman (named Gillian). The third is also a normal male (named Xaphod Gronklebox), except for a third, mechanical, arm and a 12" CRT on his shoulder that keeps scrolling "Pieces of Eight, Pieces of Eight".) Rod: Evening all! I'm Rod Perfect, awfully rude of you imploding on us this way, you silly twit. Arnold Lint: Sorry. Am I dead? Xaphod: Obviously not, you semi-evolved simian! Are all you net-landers so stupid. If you were dead would I be talking to you? I'm Xaphod Gronklebox, the famous inter-net-al criminal and dog molester - you must have heard of me. Arnold Lint: Actually, no, I haven't. Xaphod: Oh well, your loss. I just hijacked this node! It's called the Infinity, isn't it wild. Just imagine the places we can go in this baby. (Rod notices that Arnold's eyes are transfixed on the young woman) Rod: Her name's Gillian, at least that's what she wants to be called. Actually, her real name is Gertrude Floogie, but she didnt't like it, so she changed it. (Arnold Lint detects a mechanical sound to his right. A robot soon walks into view) Robot: My name is Martin. I am sure you will have an absolutely awful time on this node, I always have. I do not know why they insist on trying to do things to change the Net, they can only make it worse. No matter what happens, some one always says something stupid and ruins everything. Then someone else feels obliged to a rebuttal, and on and on it goes. How awful. Still, what do you expect from an imperfect Net. Rod: Martin is a bit, well, depressing. Xaphod: He's a real downer, man! Martin: That's right, ridicule me. See what I care. I'm only an android. Just another example of cruelty in this awful Net. (***************************************************************************** The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" defines cruelty as having to see constant repetitions of the same salutory comment in more than 20 messages. History shows that a war was fought over the repetition of the statement "If you don't like my name - push off, signed xxxx" appearing in 200 messages from the node of Moronicus. Since that time, any time a salutory message is used more than 20 times, subsequent violators have their pelvis screwed to a cake stand while they are forced to watch repeats of "The Gong Show". *****************************************************************************) Arnold Lint: Well, what do we do now? Xaphod: We're on our way to Netrothea. (The 12" CRT on his shoulder now starts repeating "Polly want a sedative, Polly want a sedative") There's supposed to be all sorts of wild and amazingly great things in that place! Rod: Martin, set course for Netrothea! Martin: All right, but you're not going to like it. Gillian: What will we find on Netrothea? Xaphod: Well, there's supposed to be a huge stockpile of data there that we can sell to the Net for millions. Arnold Lint: A stockpile of what? Xaphod: Data! Data! You idiot. Knowledge is power in the Net. All that data has been accumulating over the centuries. Just imagine the amazingly amazing philosophical Net-discussions that it stored. I mean, the Net is the focal point of all wisdom. Just think of all that smart stuff! Wow! (***************************************************************************** The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" insists that the focal point of all knowledge in not the Net itself. Rather, it is the fourth stall in the mens room in Grand Central Station. No one has ever been dumb enough to waste time disproving this wild claim, so the publishers avoided some nasty laws suits. *****************************************************************************) Xaphod: We'll have millions! We'll by everything! No, we'll have billions, trillions, . . . . (Xaphod begins to shake violently and froth at the mouth, then he falls over backward. A few seconds later he comes to.) Xaphod: Well, lets go! Rod: You all right? Xaphod: Yah, sure. Just the excitement of new conquests. Arnold Lint: Looked more like Flamers-syndrome to me. Xaphod: You should talk, you key-pounding half-wit. Gillian: If we're going to go, lets go already. Martin: Do we really have to? Rod: YES! (Just as the node starts on it's way, a host of flame-shaped vessels became visible on the scanners) Rod: Funny you should mention Flamers-syndrome. Xaphod: Oh, hell! Gillian: What are they? Xaphod: Damn, those are ships belonging the Flamers. They go after anything, no matter how pointless or unimportant it is. If they catch us, we could suffer permanent brain damage, or worse yet - join the Moral Majority Arnold Lint: So this it it, we're all going to die! Martin: I told you that you would like it. Others: Oh Shut Up! ******************** End Of Part 1 ******************** Will Arnold and his new travelling companions escape the Flamers? Or will they end up playing rock albums backwards at 66.6 RPM? For the answers to these, and countless other pointless questions . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net Episode 2 - The Flamers (The Infinity's scanners are showing the Flamer's ships approaching fast. Arnold Lint and Rod Perfect are franticly scurrying about. Xaphod is trying to figure out how to fly the node, and Gillian is fixing her makeup. Martin the android is off on a corner moping about how he's too young to die.) Xaphod: This is the node Infinity, we are on a peaceful, although a bit mercenary, mission. Hold your fire. (The commander of the Flamer's fleet appears on the screen. He appears to be a normal human, except for a small silver halo stapled to his head.) Flamer: I am Adolf Riteyus, commander of the Flaming Queen. You have violated Flaming space and must be blasted. You will be given a fair and drawn out hearing before you are found guilty. Rod: We didn't know this was Flaming space! Adolf: Ignorance is no excuse. Do you think that just because you don't know something you shouldn't be responsible for it? Why, if we didn't go around blasting people who thought they were innocent, there'd be no order. The whole power structure of the Net is based on the inalienable right to flame. He who flames the loudest and strongest will prevail, for he will have maintained purity of essence by not compromising his principles. It doesn't matter what one flames about, as long as one comes out a winner. Winning the argument for mandatory retroactive birth control is one of our greatest victories. We Flamers always win because we never give up. No, things are either our way or they're WRONG. [The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" lists the Flamers as one of the most argumentative races in the Net. History shows that the Flamers went to war over the right to keep and bear tongue depressors. They also had a violent and bloody discussion over the morality of Odor Eaters. The only time the Flamers can be easily beaten in combat is on Sunday mornings when they all watch evangelist shows, or during Ronco "Mr. Microphone" commercials (their symbol of worship).] Gillian: What should we do? Xaphod: How 'bout evasive actions? Marvin: It won't help. Rod: Oh shut up! Rod: OK, evasive action! Adolf: Where do you come from? Xaphod: Not from around here. Adolf: Where are you headed? Rod: Left. Gillian: That's telling him? Adolf: What is your favorite color? Arnold Lint: My what? Adolf: Your favorite color! Rod: White! Adolf: What is the maximum warp speed of a ladened Swaldrel? Xaphod: Denebian or Rigelian? Adolf: I don't know that . . . all right, enough evading, if you don't surrender in the next five seconds I'll blast you right out of existance. Rod: Well, now what. Adolf: Five! Arnold Lint: What's this button do? Adolf: Four! Xaphod: That's the Illogical Drive. It propels the node on power from hard drugs and acid rock. It's kind of dangerous though. Adolf: Three! Arnold Lint: Should we try it? Adolf: Two! Rod: Well, lets not . . . Four! Adolf: Four! Arnold Lint: So this is it, we're all going to die. Adolf: Three! Martin: I warned you about this trip. Adolf: Two! Xaphod: All right, all right, engage the Illogical Drive! Adolf: One! (Arnold Lint engages the Illogical drive. Images of the movie "Easy Rider" float across the view port. "In-a-gadda-da-vida" starts coming across the radio. The 12" CRT on Xaphod's shoulder starts scrolling "Wow man, what a trip!". The scanners show that the Flamers couldn't handle the sudden flood of sensory excitation and burst their brains. This only made their reactions a bit slower though as the Flamer's brain is remarkably small. The Infinity, charged up with Liquid Super Duetrillium, was able to make warp speed and turn the corner before the Highway patrol picked them up on radar. This was fortunate for it meant that they wouldn't be caught by Spiny Norman, the 45 foot blue hedgehog that had been following them.) Gillian: We made it. Rod: Yah, where are we Martin. Martin: We're way out man. Xaphod: Oh, he's useless now - it'll take a while before he comes down. Arnold Lint: At least he isn't so gloomy. Martin: Nooo body knows, the trouble I've see . . . have any of you ever contemplated the death of a grain of salt? [The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" points out that the life and death of a grain of salt can have amazing importance in the course of life on the Net. On particular grain of salt (named Nigel) was responsible for the overthrow of an entire government. Nigel gave his . <- Nigel life by falling into the barrel of a shotgun that was aimed that the planets dictator. Thanks to lousy marksmanship on the part of the rebels, only Nigel was able to hit the dictator. The rest of the buck shot killed the dictator's pet salmon, Eric. Nigel, however, penetrated the dictators eye and eventually killed him 8 months later just before a firing squad cut the dictator in two.] Rod: Shut Up! Xaphod: Well, lets get back on course. Arnold Lint: What are those? (The scanners now show a dozen ships shaped like the number one heading toward the Infinity.) Xaphod: Those are Singularan ships. They're worse than flamers! Rod: Oh yeah, they're worse than a visit from an insurance salesman. Gillian: They're normally mild mannered computer scientists. But when they get on the Net, they become endowed with a superhuman ability to talk about incredibly personal things, things they couldn't otherwise discuss. Arnold Lint: Sounds awful. Martin: That's what I keep telling you. Rod: Shut up! Xaphod: If we don't get out of here fast, we'll end up debating which finger a divorced person should wear his or her ring on when going to homosexual orgies - or worse, have to go to a Pot Luck Dinner where all that the people do is talk. ******************** End Of Part 2 ******************** Will the crew of the infinity avoid the clutches of the Singularans? Or will they end up exchanging recipes for onion dip. For the answers to these and several other amazingly unimportant questions . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.