From: utzoo!decvax!harpo!npoiv!npois!wbux5!wb2!houxz!ihnp4!iwlc7!dfz
Newsgroups: net.cooks
Title: heavy cream finally explained
Article-I.D.: iwlc7.147
Posted: Tue Mar 22 10:54:41 1983
Received: Wed Mar 23 19:17:19 1983
Reply-To: dfz@iwlc7.UUCP (David F. Ziffer)

I suspect that "heavy cream" is analogous to "heavy water", that is,
it is made from cows' milk containing hydrogen atoms in the form of
deuterium or tritium.  Such milk is derived, of course, only from
"heavy cows", which are distinct from "normal" cows not only in their
tremendous weight, but also in their tendency to glow in the dark.
"Heavy cows" are best bred in the vicinity of nuclear reactors and
show best results when feeding on "heavy grass".  The latter substance
is best obtained in Miami, near the Mexican border, or at parties
where such materials are consumed for non-agricultural porpoises.
Another way of inducing this condition in livestock is to pipe into
their stalls a constant dose of "heavy metal", although this tends to
cause deafness and a subsequent loss of response to loud, oncoming objects
(i.e. trains, cars, tractors, etc.). "Heavy-handed discipline" can also
bring about better results; some excellent examples are striking one's
cattle with a "heavy-duty" farm implements or hiring a "heavyweight"
to administer punishment for bovine infractions.

I hope this has been of some help.

				-Yours in heavy thought,
				 Dave Ziffer
				 ..!decvax!ihnss!iwlc7!dfz