From: utzoo!decvax!harpo!utah-cs!haas
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Title: GSU boys
Article-I.D.: utah-cs.918
Posted: Thu Aug 19 18:15:23 1982
Received: Fri Aug 20 04:35:18 1982

The recent rash of disgusting sexist jokes demeaning to women suggests
to my logical (?) mind that we should have a few disgusting sexist
jokes demeaning to MEN.  Herewith I offer something that was given to
me by a lady I used to date.  She claims its not to be taken personally.
Funny, she never did really explain why she didn't want to go out
with me any more...


                    CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE:

The average cucumber is at least six inches long.

Cucumbers stay hard for a week.

Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.

Cucumbers don't get too excited.

Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.

Cucumbers are easy to pick up

You can handle a cucumber in the supermarket... and you know how firm it is
before you take it home!

Cucumbers can get away any weekend.

With a cucumber you can get a single room... and you won't have to check in as
"Mrs. Cucumber"!

Cucumbers will always respect you in the morning.

You can go to a movie with a cucumber... and see the movie.

At the drive-in you can stay in the front seat.

A cucumber can always wait until you get home.

A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn... or send you out for Milk Duds.

A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne film festival.

A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?"

Cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin.

Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.

Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.

Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.

Cucumbers aren't into dope and leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits
and nuts.

You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.

You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.

Cucumbers never need a round of applause.

Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best?"
                     "How was it?"
                     "Did you come?  How many times?"

Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski instructor or hair dresser.

A cucumber won't want to join your support group.

A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.

Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.

Cucumbers won't ask you about your last lover... or speculate about your next
one.

A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the
refrigerator.

A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.

No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.

Cucumbers can handle rejection.

A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.

A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.

A cucumber won't give it up for Lent.

With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.

Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
pillow.

A cucumber won't give you a hickey.

Cucumbers can stay up all night... and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.

A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey", and then come
home smelling like another woman.

A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt or gives you a snuggy.

You always know where your cucumber has been.

A cucumber never has to call the "wife".

Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.

A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.

Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.

You won't find out later that your cucumber
   ...is married
   ...is on penicillin
   ...likes you- but loves your brother!

A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.

Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.

Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.

A cucumber won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.

You don't have to wait until half time to talk to your cucumber.

A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.

A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.

Cucumbers never want to take you home to Mom.

A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School.

A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.

Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.

Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".

A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish or orthodox
vegetarian.

It's easy to drop a cucumber.

Cucumbers will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement or seek
custody of anything.

No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too!

Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.

A cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore.

Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.

A cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away.

A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.

A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.

With a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu
season.

Afterwards, a cucumber won't
   ...want to shake hands and be friends.
   ...say: "I'll call you a cab".
   ...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
   ...tell you he IS the marrying kind.
   ...call his mother, ex-wife or therapist.
   ...take you to Confession.

Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.

A cucumber won't eat all your food and drink all your liquor.

A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.

Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest.

A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on or hairspray.

Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.

Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.

A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.

A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet when you are taking a shower.

With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.

Cucumbers don't compare you with a centerfold.

Cucumbers can't count to ten.