From: utzoo!decvax!harpo!ihnss!ihuxk!vhm55611
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Title: chelm
Article-I.D.: ihuxk.110
Posted: Tue Jun 15 09:46:30 1982
Received: Wed Jun 16 04:32:11 1982

In response to the request for stories about the wise men of Chelm,
here are a few Woody Allen stories..
		-Vic Mitnick


			SELECTED HASSIDIC TALES,
				With a Guide to Their Interpretation
				by the Noted Scholar


	A man journeyed to Chelm in order to seek the advice of
Rabbi Ben Kaddish, the holiest of all ninth-century rabbis and perhaps
the greatest noodge of the medieval era.
	"Rabbi," the man asked, "where can I find peace?"
	The Hassid surveyed him and said, "Quick, look behind you!"
	The man turned around, and Rabbi Ben Kaddish smashed him
in the back of the head with a candlestick. "Is that peaceful enough
for you?" he chuckled, adjusting his yarmulke.

	In this tale, a meaningless question is asked. Not only is the
question meaningless but so is the man who journeys to Chelm to ask it.
Not that he was so far away from Chelm to begin with, but why shouldn't
he stay where he is? Why is he bothering Rabbi Ben Kaddish -- the
Rabbi doesn't have enough trouble? The truth is, the Rabbi's in over his
head with gamblers, and he has also been named in a paternity case
with a Mrs. Hecht. No, the point of this tale is that this man has 
nothing better to do with his time than journey around and get on
people's nerves. For this, the Rabbi bashes his head in, which,
according to the Torah, is one of the most subtle methods of showing
concern. In a similar version of this tale, the Rabbi leaps on top of 
the man in a frenzy and carves the story of Ruth on his nose with
a stylus.

		*		*		*

	Rabbi Raditz of Poland was a very short rabbi with a long beard,
who was said to have inspired many pogroms with his sense of humor. One 
of his disciples asked, "Who did God like better -- Moses or Abraham?"
	"Abraham," the Zaddik said.
	"But Moses led the Israelites to the Promised Land," said the
disciple.
	"All right, so Moses," the Zaddik answered.
	"I understand, Rabbi. It was a stupid question."
	"Not only that, but you're stupid, your wife's a meeskeit,
and if you don't get off my foot you're excommunicated."

	Here the Rabbi is asked to make a value judgement between
Moses and Abraham. This is not an easy matter, particularly for a 
man who has never read the Bible and has been faking it. And what
is meant by the hopelessly relative term "better"? What is "better"
to the Rabbi is not necessarily "better" to the disciple. For
instance, the Rabbi likes to sleep on his stomach. The disciple also
likes to sleep on the Rabbi's stomach. The problem here is obvious.
It should also be noted that to step on a rabbi's foot (as the
disciple does in the tale) is a sin, according to the Torah, 
comparable to the fondling of matzos with any intent other
than eating them.

		*		*		*
	Rabbi Zwi Chaim Yisroel, an Orthodox scholar of the torah
and a man who developed whining to an art unheard of in the West,
was unanimously hailed as the wisest man of the Renaissance by his
fellow Hebrews, who totalled a sixteenth of one per cent of the
population. Once, while he was on his way to the synagogue to
celebrate the sacred Jewish holiday commemorating God's reneging on
every promise, a woman stopped him and asked the following question:
"Rabbi, why are we not allowed to eat pork?"
	"We're not?" the Rev said incredulously. "Uh-oh."

	This is one of the few stories in all Hassidic literature
that deals with Hebrew law. The Rabbi knows he shouldn't eat pork;
he doesn't care, though, because he likes pork. Not only does he
like pork; he gets a kick out of rolling Easter eggs. In short,
he cares very little about traditional Orthodoxy and regards God's
covenant with Abraham as "just so much chin music." Why pork was
proscribed by Hebraic law is still unclear, and some scholars
believe that the Torah merely suggested not eating pork at
certain restaurants.

		*		*		*