|[OT] The Dark Knight Rises (2012) review [message #186503]
||Sun, 22 July 2012 20:06
Registered: September 2012
The Dark Knight Rises (2012) review.
Well... where to start?
How about by summing up this movie as boring?
Oh, the production values were very high, the acting was okay, (batman's
mask still looks dorky), and YAWN (Batman is an incompetent slow moron in
this movie)! The following review contains spoilers.
Got into the theater late, missed a bit of the opening.
What I saw was an airplane being hijacked by a bunch of thugs leading to
one handsome thug being left behind.
Well, following an implausible rescue of one hostage we move onto a
Bruce Wayne in-home social event (he rebuilt his mansion that was burned
down by Ra's al Ghul's thugs in the first movie pretty quick we see).
A woman dressed as a maid steals some pearls from Bruce Wayne's safe and
escapes through a window after a short interaction with Bruce Wayne. Later
we find out that she is Selena Kyle (Catwoman) and has so very inconsistent
value systems and also has taken a copy of Bruce Wayne's fingerprints (very
easy to obtain usually by handing his playboy character a drink at a party,
taking the glass, and recovering those fingerprints from that, of course you
could just use a touch of superglue on the fingertip to screw those up).
This eventually leads to more boredom, the reemergence of Batman, a
highly unsafe flying vehicle (exposed rotor blades on the underside) and the
usual criminal hijinks. Some aspects of Chris Nolan's writing are retained
(the clever twists in the "Always have an exit plan" during the fingerprint
exchange, the bombing AGAIN of Gotham City -- Nolan is a secret admirer of
Michael Bay in making things go BOOM, and the emergence of Talia al
Ghul -whom actually has some passing Arabic facial features). Problems come
with making Batman slow and horrifyingly dim-witted in this movie. Yet again
the wealthy billionaire superhero is facing large numbers of very spread out
foes indicating that his biggest weakness is "crowd control" and he needs
"strength in numbers". No amount of gadgets beyond a robot army would
correct that painfully obvious tactical weakness so the logical fix is to
create a series of "anti-terrorist cells" using trustworthy operatives
(Warrin Ellis's "Global Frequency" comic series for the Wildstorm lineup
would be just one example). In fact, with all of the bodily damage Bruce
Wayne is listed to have suffered in his visit to the hospital as an excuse
to interview Jim Gordon, you'd think Batman would be exclusively doing
long-range attacks when possible.
Batman still does not use handguns, but certainly enjoys using
military-grade mobile firepower platforms in blasting his enemies into
machine-gun riddled corpses or throws an incendiary or concussion Bat
Grenade at your location. Oh no, he won't intentionally kill you with a
HAND-gun unless he has to retreat to his Multi-Rotor Batcopter "The Bat" and
launch heat-seeking missiles at you while he machine-guns you with a
30-millimeter M230 Chain Gun or blows you away using the weapon platforms on
the Bat-Cycle "The Batpod". No psychological break there folks, Batman just
won't use HAND-guns to kill you (usually).
Anyhoo, let's get back to the boring longass story made into a mostly
horribly written (it has moments of goodness) illogical mess of a movie.
Bane (voiced by Doctor Henry Killinger & his Magic Murder Bag or maybe a
less slobbery Baron Werner Underbheit) wears a pretty idiotic looking metal
Helmet Mouth Piece held in place by a techno-jockstrap. Bane, being an
idiotic strongman (in the comics powered by Joker Venom) would present less
of a threat than an angry wet kitten to a Batman with a utility belt full of
sleep-gas, portable explosives, Bat-Lasers, and Bat-Tasers. In fact, in
close combat, the new Bat-Armor Suit could just gut Bane like a trout using
the curved ARM SPIKES in the Bat-Armor (1 minute 25 seconds into the below
linked video). So any fight between Batman & Movie Bane would be laughably
short - LAUGHABLY SHORT. To correct this they've made Bane into the new
head of the League of Shadows (at first) and given him a terrorist army.
The bad guys also removed Bruce Wayne's riches by a stock market hijacking
with a street chase so as to bring Bruce Wayne "to the people's level".
Batman Tech Bat Armor & Cape
Bane, however, in a fair fight manages to beat Batman with a few simple
strong man moves and very little grappling indeed, breaking Bruce Wayne's
back and then leaves Bruce Wayne in an escapable prison WITHOUT GUARDS
inside a well with a video link to the suffering of Gotham (so escapable,
only a moron could not get out by chiseling handholds given the decades of
free time on the prisoner's hands plus the large amount of labor to achieve
it). Bane steals Bruce Wayne's fusion generator, rigs it up into
slow-decaying bomb status, blows up a large portion of Gotham to isolate it,
traps the police down in the sewer tunnels under Gotham, blows the bridges
into Gotham, and then fake-stages a "People's Revolution" (which leads to
lots of poverty and suffering) all so that they could futilely die when the
Fusion Generator/Bomb goes boom in 5 months anyway. Whereas a sneaky
program of chemical Eugenics into the water supply would eliminate all
Gotham Citizens from breeding out another generation of violent jackasses
without a fuss, but then we wouldn't see the Michael Bay Fanclub lighting
their farts into grandiose explosions (using overlaid concrete
infused-with-explosives underground rather than replacing plus repouring)
now would we?
Bruce Wayne manages to get his back fixed by the prison doctor and then
escapes from foreign well prison otherwise known as THE MORON HOLE to anyone
whom is not a drooling moron smearing feces on themselves could easily exit.
Bruce Wayne also then throws the escape rope on the side of THE MORON HOLE
back into THE MORON HOLE so that the soon-escaping prisoners can enjoy a
night of raping & murdering the innocent (because Batman is a "Hero to the
People") in the nearby city outside of THE MORON HOLE. By the way, THE MORON
HOLE was declared to be a "Deep Dark Pit where the worst of the evil people
were thrown in to be forgotten to endlessly fight amongst themselves leaving
only one victor and then Bane alone escaped that Hell Hole" to show us all
that Bane was indeed a Badass-Chief-Amongst-Badasses. Yeah, that plot point
sure paid off didn't it.
Then in a plot twist, we find out that Miranda Tate is actually a
Then in a plot twist, apparently Batman is too stupid to have any
anti-missile systems on his Batcopter (Multirotor Vehicle), especially
against his own missiles. We find out that Commissioner Gordon is too
stupid to spread himself out flat on an ice floe to prevent falling into a
frozen river. We find out that Alfred the Butler is a gutless whiner whom
will abandon Bruce Wayne at the drop of a hat if "it makes Alfred feel icky
inside". We find out that the people of Gotham are unable to organize
themselves effectively for any reason unless they are police. We find out
that although Bane has trapped the police underground for 5 months, the
police, when emerging are not starved mentally-dysfunctional smelly
cannibals (because Bane was feeding them very well the whole time, I guess)
suffering from chronic Vitamin D deficiency and frozen to death from the
winter weather, because the plot needs an army of disposable live healthy
police bodies in full CLEAN neat dress uniforms at that point. We find that
wearing a metal-mouth techno-jockstrap on the face "alleviates dental pain"
(without making you sound like Fat Albert's MushMouth character) and instead
allows you to sound like Doctor Henry Killinger whereas mere eating should
be a serious problem and a rich long-lived organization like "The League of
Shadows" apparently won't pay for reconstructive dental surgery plus neural
transplants. We find that Batman can be beaten soundly by a bit of muscle,
a bit of grappling, and he will instantly forget all of his nifty
kill-gadgets, training, grappling gun, and fight moronically fairly
hand-to-hand when there is zero advantage to do so. We find that Hindustan
(filmed in India) Prisons For Morons built inside wells are co-ed
(HAHAHAHAHA!), the prisoners speak English, there are no guards to prevent
prisoners escaping AT ALL, prisoners are fed very well in their little
Oubliette at least long enough to live there for six years pregnant then
later with a small child, sanitation obvious is no problem along with
obtaining water. A billionaire recluse can evade the corporate board
meetings for 8 years (without seeking high-end expensive medical treatment
for his very serious bodily injuries) and somehow not lose control of his
corporation or be in constant unending agony. A skin-tight black bodysuit
and heels are appropriate burglary & combat outfits and not somehow a recipe
for chronic heatstroke, broken ankles, and lots of stretch-abrasions (Indian
Rubs) inside of the bodysuit. We find out that an orphan policeman ( John
Blake) with the name "Robin" can discover Batman's secret identity very
easily (duh), take over Batman's cave at the end of the movie, and really
screw up a potential live action TEEN TITANS movie. We find out that Ra's
al Ghul (Head of the League of Shadows) was a military mercenary at some
point (?) who fell in love with an Arabic/India girl and gladly abandons his
past loves to a prolonged death. We find that within 5 months, a rope
around the body, pushup exercises, and jumping then falling 2 times with a
rope around the body a distance of 30 feet will not increase the damage of a
crippling back injury.
At least they abandoned the whole "Harvey Dent: A Symbol To Gotham"
syrupy moronic nonsense with the deep lasting emotional appeal of a pillow
Do you know the last name of your city's District Attorney? Go ahead
folks in the crowd, raise your hands. How about the Lieutenant Mayor? How
about the Secretary of State? Really?
In a plot twist, "The Wayne Manor Home For The Spiritual Reconstruction
Of Damaged Young Men" does not somehow sound like an overly long location
title and like a place no sane young man should ever visit if they value an
intact rectal sphincter.
WHAT A TWIST! (Ugh! - Worst Batman Movie next to "Batman & Robin" in
Ah, well, at least the upcoming live action JUSTICE LEAGUE movie in 2015
and the next Batman movie in Winter 2014 will be less suck-tacular and
Also a good review.
The Dark Knight Rises: A Comprehensive Review
Really hankering for a full-out Red Letter Media foaming-at-the-mouth
review of this "The Dark Knight Rises - Plothole Mania" now in the theme of
the Star Wars movie reviews (hopefully hitting the trio of movies). This
mushy weak review is so pathetic I want to force feed that duo Pizza Rolls
until they choke.
Half in the Bag: The Dark Knight Rises