MiSTed: Eating For Death [ 0 / 1 ] [message #307033] |
Thu, 31 December 2015 01:59 |
nebusj-
Messages: 623 Registered: September 2012
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Senior Member |
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[ START. The Brains are in the theater. ]
>
> Eating for Death
TOM: My favorite _Columbo_ episode! Patrick McGoohan plays this world-famous chef being blackmailed and ...
>
> By Bernarr Macfadden
CROW: Um ...
TOM: Yeah, exactly which parts of that name are spelled wrong?
>
> _Physical Culture_, March 1922
MIKE: I forgot to renew my subscription!
>
> THE crime of the age is meal eating timewithout
> appetite.
CROW: Also that Sacco and Vanzetti thing. But mostly eating.
TOM: Snacking is the misdemeanor of the age!
>
> It is the direct cause of more suffering,
> weakness and disease than any other evil.
CROW: Even more than not appreciating your parents?
>
> It poisons the life stream at its very source.
TOM: Its Snackables!
>
> ``The blood is the life.''
MIKE: The spice is the life?
TOM: The blood is spiced?
> The quality of this
> liquid determines vital activity throughout every part of
> the body.
CROW: I think Bernarr Macfadden grossly underestimates the importance of acetylcholinesterase.
MIKE: You're *always* accusing people of underestimating the importance of acetylcholinesterase.
CROW: I just think it's very important is all.
>
> You can be a palpitating force, a veritable human
> dynamo,
TOM: You can be a large turtle-like artificial intelligence!
CROW: You can be a leading importer of cheese to Denmark!
MIKE: You can be several key innovations in the history of Timothy hay!
> or you can be a half-alive mass of human
flesh >not unlike the jelly-fish.
CROW: Jellyfish are made of human flesh?
TOM: Ew ew ew ew ew ew *ew*.
> It is the quality of
> your blood that determines entirely to which class you
> belong.
CROW: Is this gonna be one of those stories where Bernarr Macfadden finds out his blood was replaced with a high-grade polymer and suddenly nobody will talk to him anymore?
>
> Eating without appetite means devitalized blood.
MIKE: Or that you're putting more melted cheese on everything.
> The stomach is not ready to digest food at such times.
TOM: It's off wandering around, taking in museums, reading good books, and then you throw a big slab of bean-and-cheese burrito at it.
>
> It appetite is a strong craving food for
CROW: A lesser craving for pottery shards.
> which
> definitely indicates that the stomach is ready for
> digestion.
TOM: Why not just wait for the stomach to call?
CROW: Yeah, like, 'Hey, stomach here. I'm raring to digest!'
> The food eaten is then keenly enjoyed.
MIKE: Well, it is like 2016.
TOM: So?
MIKE: So who calls for *that*? That's more like a tweet or a text message or something.
CROW: Excuse *us* for maintaining some dignified propriety, Mike.
>
> The pleasure in eating serves a very valuable
> purpose.
MIKE: It gives us a reason to go eat a second time, sometime.
> It not only causes an unusual activity of the
> salivary glands, but also of the glands of the stomach.
TOM: Glands! Is your stomach going through puberty?
CROW: It's so awkward to have esophageal zits.
> So that when the food arrives in this organ, digestion
> and assimilation progress rapidly and satisfactorily.
MIKE: Though not without some sarcasm.
>
> Now when you eat without appetite, these
> invaluable functional processes are inactive or entirely
> absent
TOM: They take one sabbatical year and everything comes crashing down!
> and the food can do nothing but lie like lead in
> the stomach.
MIKE: Stop eating lead! There's your problem.
>
> You say it won't digest.
TOM: *You* say it won't digest. We're just nibbling some here.
> Why should it? No
> self-respecting stomach will allow itself to be outraged
> in this manner, without protest.
MIKE: My stomach's wracked with depression and low self-esteem though.
CROW: Well, so you can eat any old time.
MIKE: Which ... fits.
>
> Eat at meal time if you are hungry, but if the
> food has no taste respect the mandates of your stomach
MIKE: And sprinkle on the MSG powder.
> and wait until the next meal or until your appetite
> appears, even if it takes several meals or several days.
TOM: If you never eat again, then you may be losing weight.
>
> The ``eat-to-keep-up-your-strength'' idea that
> has been advocated for generations by allopathic
> physicians,
CROW: *And* Popeye!
MIKE: Gotta respect Popeye on strength.
> has sent, literally, millions of people to
> premature graves.
TOM: Underneath a giant avalanche of casseroles and loaves of bread!
>
> Even a person in good health can miss one meal or
> fifty meals, for that matter, without serious results.
CROW: Fifty meals! You'd be spending your whole day eating at that rate.
TOM: You know you miss all the meals you don't eat.
> But abstinence of some sort is absolutely essential if
> appetite is missing; and is especially necessary in many
> illnesses.
MIKE: Like chronic mouthlessness.
TOM: McWhirtle's Indigestibility Fever.
CROW: Temporarily made of cardboard; can't take liquids.
>
> There is no sauce better than hunger;
CROW: Except bleu cheese salad dressing.
> and there
> can be no health of a superior sort, unless food is eaten
> with enjoyment.
MIKE: Wait, so now enjoyment is a sauce?
CROW: *Yes*, and it's made of bleu cheese.
>
> When you eat a meal with what is known as a
> ``coming appetite''
TOM: My appetite went upstairs and it can't find the way back.
CROW: ``The stairs are past the third door!''
MIKE: ``I can't find the door!''
CROW: ``Are you in a room or in the hall?''
MIKE: ``I ... don't know?''
> you are often treading on dangerous
> ground. This ``coming appetite'' is often due to
> overstimulation of nerves
MIKE: By the penetrating electropasta needles.
> rather than to natural bodily
> demand, and is, therefore, frequently of the voracious
> character. It compels you to overeat.
TOM: To be fair, ordering a box of Hypnofood didn't help.
> You are not
> satisfied until you eat so much you cannot hold any more.
CROW: Eat until fingers don't work. Got it.
>
> At such times a fast is often necessary. But if
> you cannot do that it is absolutely essential that the
> meals should be very light,
TOM: Chew on a balloon, or possibly a bulb of some kind.
MIKE: Any method of general illumination will do.
> if you desire to avoid
> illness that might be serious in character.
CROW: Try illnesses that are lighthearted in character, such as clown flu and the a deficiency in vitamin giggle.
>
> Three square meals a day will send any one to an
> early grave.
TOM: Diversify your meal with triangles and ellipsoids.
> You may be able to follow a regime of this
> sort in growing years, but when full maturity arrives
> look out for trouble if you persist in this habit.
MIKE: In your fallow years just sit in the middle of a room not eating and waiting for death to overcome you.
>
> Three light meals or two medium heavy meals daily
> will prolong your life and increase your efficiency
> mentally and physically.
CROW: Four times a day grab an open-faced sandwich.
TOM: Six times a day, just gnaw on the kitchen counter.
MIKE: When feeling restless, lick an oven door.
>
> I eat but one hearty meal a day, and that is
> preferably taken at noon, though sometimes it is eaten in
> the evening. Occasionally I eat a light meal in the
> morning or evening,
MIKE: Thursdays I spend passed out in a bathtub full of potato salad.
> if I have a craving for food, though
> these light meals frequently consist of fruit alone or
> nuts and fruit with a warm or hot drink.
TOM: Occasionally I rub a slice of lettuce against one cheek.
>
> But the main point that I want to emphasize is
CROW: Food is a good idea but it will never be made practical.
> the necessity of avoiding the habit of eating by the
clock >without appetite.
TOM: Wait until your clock cries and then feed it all it needs.
>
> Wait for a definite feeling of hunger. Let your
> stomach dictate your eating habits.
MIKE: And leave me some of the garlic-stuffed olives, people.
>
> http://blog.modernmechanix.com/eating-for-death/
CROW: I had death for lunch, can't we have joi de vivre for supper?
MIKE: Who wants a bowl of hot, buttered MURDER?
TOM: And with that, everybody, good night and be merry!
MIKE: Happy.
TOM: Whichever.
CROW: Night, folks.
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Disclaimer: Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations and premise and all that, are the property of ... uh ... I was going to say Best Brains, but I guess it's Shout! Factory and Consolidated Puppets? Or something? I'm not positive. Well, it's theirs, and I'm just using it as long as they don't notice. Bernarr Macfadden's ``Eating For Death'' appeared in the _Physical Culture_ magazine from March 1922 and I believe it to be in the public domain. I ran across it from the Modern Mechanix blog linked above, and it's a crying shame that's gone defunct because it was so much fascinating reading. Supporting Snorks: Sad Wikipedia sub-section, or saddest Wikipdia sub-section?
> You can be a palpitating force, a veritable human
> dynamo, or you can be a half-alive mass of human
flesh >not unlike the jelly-fish.
--
Joseph Nebus
Math: Reading the Comics: Seeing Out The Year Edition http://wp.me/p1RYhY-UR
Humor: My Poor Wrist http://wp.me/p37lb5-16I
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