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SF-LOVERS Digest V6 #120 [message #10404] Wed, 08 August 2012 00:31
Anonymous
Karma:
Originally posted by: utzoo!decvax!ucbvax!sf-lovers
Article-I.D.: ucbvax.544
Posted: Fri Dec 31 08:29:36 1982
Received: Sat Jan  1 02:44:34 1983

>From SFL@SRI-CSL  Fri Dec 31 08:18:18 1982
Reply-To: SF-LOVERS at SRI-CSL
To: SF-LOVERS@SRI-CSL


SF-LOVERS Digest         Friday, 31 Dec 1982      Volume 6 : Issue 120

Today's Topics:
    Misc   - tcp cutover
    Movies - The Day the Earth Stood Still, Dune, Blade Runner,
	     SW/TESB/ROTJ
    Humor  - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Net
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: 31 Dec 1982 0606-PST
From: SFL at SRI-CSL
Subject: tcp cutover

Due to the impending tcp cutover, sf-lovers is going into hibernation
for awhile. It will return some day.

        Stuart

------------------------------

Date: 27 Dec 1982 11:54:18-EST
From: csin!cjh at CCA-UNIX
Subject: translation of THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

   In context, it is made very clear that "Klaatu barada nikto" means 
something like "Klaatu commands [that] [you] wait/do nothing/don't 
harm anything" (look again at the scene where Neal gets these words
from Klaatu, who is specifically worried that Gort will go on a
rampage).

------------------------------

Date: 30 Dec 1982 15:12:56-EST
From: James.Muller at CMU-CS-GANDALF at CMU-CS-A
Subject: Dune, and (not again!!) SW

Could it be that the reason r2d2 can resist phaser fire, break all
security systems, etc... is that he is a special droid, not really
just an r2 unit.  After all, he is costar of the tritrilogy.

Eraserhead was a neat movie. If its director is directing Dune, I
expect something good.

Probably I just have the wrong impression of Sting from seeing him
play Bellboy in Quadrophenia, but it seems that the only person he
could be is Feyd-Rautha. Am I wrong?
                                                'im

------------------------------

Date: 30 Dec 82 9:49:50-PST (Thu)
From: npois!houxm!houxa!houxi!whuxk!3722trn at Ucb-C70
Subject: Blade Runner music, RotJ

Last night I bought an album of music from Blade Runner.  It is called
an 'orchestral adaptation' of music from the Blade Runner, by the New
American Orchestra.
  It is NOT a K-tel version of the soundtrack ('operators are standing
by').  The jacket features some stills from the movie on the back, and
the front features the movie poster.  It also was released by Warner
bros., who released the movie.
  I've only listened to it once.  It does capture some of that 
haunting, moody feel of the soundtrack.  I'd prefer a soundtrack by 
Vangelis, but this is the closest we may ever get.

I also saw some new previews for RotJ, ie different from the previews 
that went out with the last release of Empire.  Some quick scenes:
 1. Luke in a black version of his Dagobah fatiques, with blue light
    saber.
 2. people on anti-grav motorcycles racing through a forest.
 3. han and leia reunited.
 4. Two alien types, who appear to have a greater role than just
    supplying atmosphere.

                            lorraine whuxf!lkl

------------------------------

Date: 27 Dec 1982 10:20 PST
From: GMeredith.ES at PARC-MAXC
Subject: Re: SF-LOVERS Digest   V6 #115

Just saw "Voyagers" for the first time last night (usually watch only
one hour of television a week).  I thought it an interesting, fast
moving program with real value regarding getting kids (young and old)
excited about the real world (beyond Pac-Man, Strawberry Shortcake,
Dallas, etc.).

------------------------------

Date: 23 Dec 82 10:14:42-PST (Thu)
From: decvax!utzoo!utcsrgv!kramer at Ucb-C70
Subject: Light Sabres

Since light doesn't usually have the property that a beam stops a
meter or two from its source, it seems likely that a light sabre is a
mystical weapon in that it requires the use of the FORCE to limit the
beam.  This would limit its use to Jedi knights.

------------------------------

Date: 20 Dec 82 14:26:42-PST (Mon)
From: harpo!floyd!cmcl2!philabs!sdcsvax!sdchema!djo at Ucb-C70
Subject: Tai Chi as it relates to the Force

Being a student of T'ai Chi Chuan I must agree with Tony that The
Force has always reminded me of Chi.  T'ai Chi translates to Universal
Exercise.  T'ai Chi Ch'uan is the study of T'ai Chi for self defense.
Ch'uan means fist.  The Chi permeates all living things.  The Chi is 
vital energy or prana in Sanskrit.  Every person is born with a
certain amount of Chi.  It flows throughout your body.  When it is
used up you will die.  There are certain things you can do to create
more Chi thus keeping yourself youthful and extending your life span
such as eating healthy and exercise but the practice of T'ai Chi is
the BEST method.  To be an expert in T'ai Chi Ch'uan is to have
immunity from destructive external forces and from poor health.  It is
mental and physical coordination.  The body is the form, and the mind
is the moving force.  The Chi is the prime component of acupuncture.
Acupuncture seeks to open the point(s) in your body where the Chi is
blocked allowing its healing powers to reach the problem area(s).  It
is sometimes visualized as a kind of fluid that runs through the body
along certain channels called meridians.  The Chi is controlled and
directed from the center of the body.  You must find that place within
yourself and "sink" into it.  The "trick" to the incredible power of
T'ai Chi Ch'uan as a fighting style is to follow your opponents
hostile energy without opposing or interfering with it; remaining
calmly centered while your assailant goes about the business of
defeating himself.  There are two great qualities that T'ai Chi
gradually bestows upon its faithful practitioners:  wisdom and power.
I will leave it you if this sounds like The Force.  If anyone is
interested in any further info just let me know and I will send mail.
I don't want to clutter up sf-lovers anymore with this.
                              Denise O'Jibway
                              La Jolla, CA

------------------------------

Date: 28 Dec 82 21:15:04-PST (Tue)
From: harpo!duke!phs!cmk at Ucb-C70
Subject: SW on HBO


It's true!! Star Wars will be on HBO starting February 1.  I have a
feeling I'm going to be Forced to death.
                                Chuck

------------------------------

Date: 28 Dec 1982 2246-PST
From: SCHIFFMAN at SRI-KL
Subject: Obvious choice for "the other"...

This may have already been leaked, but I didn't see it --

"The other" is none other than Hans's father, Napoleon.

{Quick cut to a closet in a Tailor's shop on Dagobah...}

-Allan

------------------------------

Date: 23 Dec 82 10:14:42-PST (Thu)
From: decvax!utzoo!utcsrgv!kramer at Ucb-C70
Subject: Light Sabres

Since light doesn't usually have the property that a beam stops a
meter or two from its source, it seems likely that a light sabre is a
mystical weapon in that it requires the use of the FORCE to limit the
beam.  This would limit its use to Jedi knights.

------------------------------

Date: 29 December 1982 08:36 est
From: SSteinberg.SoftArts at MIT-MULTICS
Subject: Freedman's Dark Crystal review

I can't believe that Freedman even saw the movie...his review was so
full of mistatements and crocks.

1.  Aughra was female. Was I the only one who noticed her sagging,
braless breasts?

2.  Aughra only showed the "planetarium" (actually, according to her,
"universarium" would fit better) to Jen. Kira didn't even show up
until later.

3.  The Garthim were more lobsters than roaches (obviously, Freedman
does not live anywhere near the east coast, where such a parallel
would be hard to miss).

4.  Jen and Kira, atop landstriders, ATTACKED the Garthim, they 
weren't CHASED by them. They went in to free a basket full of 
Podpeople.

(PS to moderator, I don't think this constitutes anywhere near a 
spoiler).

Beyond anger at a reviewer who doesn't even pay attention to the 
movie:  I thought Dark Crystal was one of the most fascinating movies
I have ever seen, visually (akin to Bladerunner that way). The plot is
thin....you see one quest, you've seen them all. Of all the
characters, our heros (the Gelflings) are the weakest. They show
little facial expression and have some of the dumbest dialogue going.
The Skeksis, on the other hand, were immensely interesting. As in the
movie "Popeye", there is an AWFUL lot going on during scenes with the
Skeksis, mutterings and imprecations and discussions and other
interesting stuff (including somebody saying "What the bloody hell?"
in one scene...can you find it?). These made it worth going back to a 
second time (I have seen it twice in two days....)

Just to WATCH, this movie is worth sitting through a dull plot.  There
are great things wandering around all over, and lots of little details
to pay attention to. And the world appears to be interally consistent
(ecologically) as well!

I highly recommend this movie to SEE. and SEE. and SEE. The more you
look, the more you find worth watching. And it is the most texturally
interesting movie I have ever watched.

------------------------------

Date: 28 Dec 82 8:52:43-PST (Tue)
From: npois!houxm!ihnp4!ihldt!ll1!otuxa!lsk at Ucb-C70
Subject: Where the names R2D2 and C3P0 came from

Lucas said in a recent article that both "names" R2D2 and C3P0 were
just interesting "sounds" he'd heard along the way of life.  I
remember that R2D2 came from his standing around one of the film
editors who needed R2D2; reel 2, day 2.  So much for mystical meanings




Larry S. Kaufman, Western Electric, Network Software Center, Lisle,
Illinois

------------------------------

Date: 28 Dec 1982 1847-EST
From: Marla 
Subject: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Series


        Enough speculation on Star Trek III and Star Wars NNN.....  
What about Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Part IV?
        Here's an interesting point to brood on....
        In the series, when the 'Disaster Area' ship is about to 
plunge into the sun with our heroes, Marvin reveals that HE knows the
question to Life, the Universe and Everything, to which the answer is
42.  How is this so?  Well, dear viewers, remember that key phrase
that Marvin uttered about 3 times in every episode?  "...Brain the
size of a planet, and THEY want me to...." ...walk the dog, make tea,
etc.  Interesting.  Marvin was probably quite a few generations away
from Deep Thought, and perhaps even from that Mega-computer we all
knew as Earth.  Now, Earth's program was 'only' scheduled to run for
10 million years.  However, while our heroes were dining at the
Restauran' at the End of the Universe, Marvin had many, many millions
of years to wait around.  He must have done *something* besides park
cars!  Yes, folks, he would have been able to run the 'Earth' program
a few times, just for monotony's sake!  Given the starting data, he
could, reasonably, extrapolate the question!

        Unfortunately, Marvin was left diving into the sun at the end
of episode 7.....ah, well, the best laid plans of mice....

------------------------------

Date: Wednesday, 29 December 1982  19:33-EST
From: Vince Fuller 
Subject: SF-LOVERS Digest   V6 #112 (Dark Crystal - Spoiler warning)

I saw Dark Crystal the other day and was impressed by the effects, the
scenery, and the "acting". Most of the critters in the film were 
sufficiently well-made that they were believable. The main thing that 
bothered me about the movie was that is was so darn PREDICTABLE! Most 
of the ending could be guessed from about half-way through the movie, 
and I knew that the death/resurrection sequence would go through. They
seemed a bit too concerned with everything coming out good in the end,
thus the ending was a bit trite, dispite the cute effects.

flame on,
--vaf

------------------------------

Date: 29 Dec 82 8:47:08-PST (Wed)
From: harpo!npoiv!alice!sjb at Ucb-C70
Subject: Re: The FORCE, or bad editing?

He was gone already.  I seem to recall that that scene gave the people
doing the filming great headaches.  They tried putting dummies in for
Obiwan just before Vader strikes him, but every time Vader hit the
dummy with the light saber it (no kidding) burst into flames (now
there's an effect:  Obi Flambe!)!  So, I guess they just hung up Obi's
robe and let Vader swing away at it.

------------------------------

Date: 29 Dec 82 16:34:35-PST (Wed)
From: harpo!npoiv!hou5f!hou5b!hou5c!hou5e!jjm at Ucb-C70
Subject: Re: all this Star Wars traffic on the net

        Several years ago, I (for some forgotten reason) wrote
        to Ben Bova, who was at that time the editor of Analog
        magazine.  As a postscript, I asked him "If Star Trek
        fans are called 'trekkies', what should be call Star
        Wars fans?"

        I was surprised to receive a personal reply to my
        letter, and in a postscript, Ben added:

        "Star Trek fans are 'trekkies', Star Wars fans are dolts."

        (no flames to me, please!)

        Jim McParland (the other)
        BTL - Holmdel
        hou5e!jjm

------------------------------

Date: 30 Dec 1982 11:41:19-EST
From: csin!cjh at CCA-UNIX
Subject: more rumors on the DUNE movie

   This month's LOCUS has the first installment of a new column by
Craig Miller, who was Lucasfilm's fan publicist for TESB and started
his own company after being laid off by Lucasfilm just after TESB came
out. He says that DUNE is once again in preproduction (which can take
up to a year before a foot of film is shot) under DeLaurentiis, but
there's no way of telling whether this attempt will get any further
than the other two.  (There's a polite undertone that I read as "If
you expect to see DUNE as a movie any time soon I've got this terrific
bridge I can let you have real cheap. . . .")

------------------------------

Date: Thursday, 30 December 1982  16:01-EST
From: Vince Fuller 
Subject: The FORCE, or bad editing?

  Date: Tuesday, 28 December 1982  19:23-EST
  From: Dolata at SUMEX-AIM
  To:   SF-LOVERS at MIT-MC
  Re:   The FORCE, or bad editing?

  I recently saw SW-ANH (IV) in a situation where we could examine the
  film closely.  In the fight between Darth Vader and Obiwan, Obiwan's
  brown cloak starts to collapse 2 frames (at least) before Darth's
  light sabre hits it!!!!!  So, did Darth kill Obiwan, or was he gone
  already?  Or am I picking nits with the editor?

This, I would say, was intentional. Obi-wan's grin (and the music we
hear) just before he turns off his light sabre indicate that he knows
what is going on. I think he decided that he needed to make an impact
and had no real use for his corporeal form any longer. He therefore
fled his body BEFORE Vader "killed" him.

------------------------------

Date: 30 December 1982 20:48-EST
From: Steven A. Swernofsky 
Subject: Star Wars 3 (er, 6) preview footage

Preview footage of the next movie in the Star Wars series is now
appearing at movie theatres in the L.A. area.  I noticed these trivia:

1  The movie is clearly called "REVENGE of the Jedi" (emphasis added).
   So much for SF-L speculation about Lucas changing the name.

2  Luke Skywalker appears at least twice in the footage.  On each
   occasion he is wearing black; at least once he is standing next to
   Darth Vader (sans violence).  Perhaps he has gone over to the Dark
   Side?  Perhaps he is faking it?

3  In spite of LucasFilms's protests, Obi-Wan appears whole and hearty
   in their preview footage.  If they plan to etherialize him in the
   film, they are certainly taking their time about it.

4  I didn't see any major new characters, but that of course doesn't
   mean that they aren't there.

-- Steve

------------------------------

Date: 30 Dec 1982 2132-PST
From: Henry W. Miller 
Subject: How Obia Wan "died"

        This is my theory on what happened to Obi Wan in SW IV:

        Obi Wan realized he might be able to defeat Darth Vader in
mortal combat, but then again maybe not.

        He had trained Luke as best he could in the short time period,
and that if he (Obi Wan) were to fail, it would be up to Luke.

        Luke, along with the others might be able to save the galaxy.
but they were about to be captured.  If this happened, the chance for
victory would be almost non-existant.

        If Obi Wan could cause a distraction for long enough, the rest
might be able to escape.

        Obi Wan was old, and knew he could not exist much longer in a
corporeal form, so, he "phoofed" himself, left this plain and became
one with the force, allowing him to help Luke later on, and, in the
process, providing a diversion to allow the others to escape.

        I think he was already gone by the time the saber touched his
robe.

        "Run, Luke, run!!!)

-HWM

------------------------------

Date: 30 Dec 82 16:55:54-PST (Thu)
From: harpo!npoiv!eisx!pyuxbb!pyuxdd!pyuxjj!pyuxcc!djs at Ucb-C70
Subject: The Empire Strikes Back on NPR radio

The radio play The Empire Strikes Back has been recorded (as
previously announced on the net) and will be aired in the NYC area
starting in February on FM 94 WNYC.

------------------------------

Date: 30 Dec 82 19:50:48-PST (Thu)
From: harpo!ihnp4!ixn5c!inuxc!inuxd!arlan at Ucb-C70
Subject: Re: all this Star Wars traffic on the net

in near-future SF that is salable to the general public.  And that's 
where he makes his money, and goood for him.  However, he said that 
Star Wars and Close Encounters bore the same relation to SF that 
Hitler's invasion of Poland did to the Ten Commandments.  I'm not
quite sure of the comparisons there, but when Bova published my 
indignant response in Analog's Brass Tacks letter column, he allowed 
me to say that I disagreed with him.  I still think it was a case of 
sour grapes:  here this upstart filmmaker, very young, jumps on the SF
bandwagon and makes hundreds of millions of $$$$, while some old-line
writers are working on their first million (or first 100k$).  No
wonder some criticism is forthcoming--space opera pays a helo of a lot
better than serious SF! (The latter defined, of course, as what the
criticizer writes.)

There was never such criticism back in the 50s and 60s when potboiler,
B-gtrade hack films were churned out for the "sci-fi" crowd.  No, the
badmouthing began when the bucks began pouring in.  Think about it.
--Flame off--arlan andrews, american bell, indianapolis

------------------------------

Date: 15 Dec 82 6:18-PST
From: mclure at SRI-UNIX
Subject: hhgttg part 4

***** sri-unix:net.jokes / grkermit!markm /  5:10 pm  Dec 13, 1982

				 Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
			Episode 4 - E.C. (The Extra Commercial)

(Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity are on their way to
Netrothea. They have successfully escaped both the Flamers and the
Singles.)

Xaphod:	How much longer till we reach Netrothea?
Martin:	Too soon.
Rod:	Quiet!
Gillian:	I can't wait to get there!
Arnold Lint:	I'm just glad we're still in one piece.
Martin:	It doesn't take much to make you happy, does it?

(All of a sudden, a blinding light fills the bridge of the Infinity.
When the light fades, a small, sickeningly adorable creature is
revealed. He is wearing a cap which says "I'm cute, buy me!")

Gillian:	What's that?
Xaphod:	That's E.C. - the Extra Commercial!
Arnold Lint:	The what?
Rod:	The Extra Commercial. The most commercialized being since
  Santa Claus!

["The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" lists Santa Claus as a being
from Pluto who suffered severe brain damage when his space ship
crashed on earth. Every year the silly old twit tries to fly an old
sleigh and a flock of equally stupid reindeer back to Pluto.
Unfortunately, his reverse gravity modulator is not 100 percent so he
never quite gets out of earths orbit. This is just as well as the
jerk lost all his deep space gear. Many people on earth have mistaken
the boxes of Kentucky Fried Chicken he carries on his unlikely space
craft (as rations for the trip to Pluto) for presents to be
distributed to children. In actuality, the only reason Fred Glarn
(his real name) ever climbs down chimneys is because he is totally
wasted on Selurian Brandy and he is merely looking for a likely spot
to sleep it off. (Why else would his nose always be red?).]

Xaphod:	I've never met E.C. before, I always though he was just some
  massive advertising ploy.
Gillian:	(To E.C.) Hello, I'm Gillian.
E.C.:	(In a heavy New York - Jewish accent) Oy vey, vhat a trip.
  Say goylie, you're cute.
Xaphod:	Huh?
E.C.:	Don't call me E.C., it's a meshugina name. My real name is
  Phil Moskowitz.
Arnold Lint:	Phil Moskowitz?
Phil:	Yes!, Vhat did you expect - Ricardo Montalban?
Rod:	You're the Extra Commercial?
Phil:	Don't laugh, my brother Saul owns Jordache Jeans!

["The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" states that the Jordache Jeans
Company was actually a very clever marketing ploy by the makers of
Preparation H. It was their intention to boost the sales of their
rectal paraphenalia by inducing Americans to stuff their glutious
maxima into overly confined garments. The ploy did not succeed.]

Gillian:	What are you doing here?
Phil:	I'm on my vay to the Net Christmas Special. This year it's
  being hosted by Johnny Arson and Bud McMolson. Vhen you're a purely
  commercial item like me, you have to travel a lot. 
Xaphod:	But you're Jewish, what are you doing on a Christmas special?
Phil:	Believe me, it vasn't my idea. Some people out there actually
  think I'm Christ reborn. I knew a kid in Brooklyn name Jesus
  Martinez, but that's as close as I ever got. Anyvay, I'm hot right
  now in the market, so I go on any show they can get me on.
Arnold Lint:	That's unbelievable! How'd you get started in the
  business?
Phil:
  Vell, I tell ya'. One day I'm sitting there, eating a lox on
  rye, and some movie man comes up to me and says: "I'm gonna
  make you are star".  Next thing I know I'm in some nutso
  movie vith a bunch of little kids. I hate little kids. No
  sooner does the movie hit the screens than there are E.C.
  video games, clothing, silverware, contraceptives, books,
  posters, and kinky undergarments. You name it and I was on
  it. Then came the TV shows and all the publicity events - I
  actually cut the ribbon on the Jimmy Carter Memorial Brothel
  and Pro Shop! Then I had to appear at the opening of "Nukes
  are Us" - a store for budding nuclear powers.

Xaphod:	Wow, thats wild.
Phil:	Vell, I gotta run. 
Gillian:	Bye!

(The bright light once again fills the bridge, it fades and
E.C. is gone.)

Arnold Lint:	That was incredible!
Martin:	If you say so!
Rod:	Quiet!
Xaphod:	Well, we're here . . . Netrothea!
Martin:	Oh joy and yummies.


  	******************** End Of Part 4 ********************

What will Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity find on
Netrothea?  For the answer to this spine-tingling question .
. . Tune in next time . . .  same Net-time . . . same
Net-channel. Also, be sure not to miss the BIG NET CHRISTMAS
SPECIAL starring Johnny Arson, Bud McMolson, Richard Nixon,
Barry Manilow, Richard Simmons, and Teddy the Wonder Lizard.

------------------------------

Date: 17 Dec 82 12:03-PST
From: mclure at SRI-UNIX
Subject: hh5

***** sri-unix:net.jokes / grkermit!markm / 12:48 pm  Dec 16, 1982

				 Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
					 Episode 5 - Netrothea

(The Infinity is about to land on Netrothea. It is here that Xaphod
hopes to find a wealth of data to sell back to the Net for immense
profits.)

Rod:	Okay Martin, lets land.
Martin:	Do we have to?
Xaphod:	Yes!
Martin:	Very well.
Gillian:	Cheer up Martin, maybe you'll meet a nice lady android.
	Wouldn't that be nice.
Martin:	Not really.
Arnold Lint:	How 'bout a nice male android?
Martin:	That's right more abuse, aren't things bad enough already?
  Besides, how can an android be homosexual? Come to think of it, we
  can't be heterosexual either! How dreadful.
Rod: Quiet, we've landed.
Xaphod:	How fantastic!
Gillian:	How wonderful.
Martin:	How awful.
All:	Oh shut up!
Xaphod:	Right, lets go!

(The door to the Infinity opens to reveal the landscape of
Netrothea.  It is indeed a strange landscape. The ground has
the consistency of a partially frozen waterbed covered with
rich Corinthian leather.  Flames spring forth from the soil
in primordial spleandor, displaying brilliant patterns of
red and green.  Off in the distance, great orange hills
reflect the light of the purple sun. Polka-dotted polygram
clouds move swiftly in uneven patterns across the blue and
grey striped sky. The hills seemed to have been polished by
the winds of time into huge reflective mounds which make
light dance on the valleys below.  Great forests of trees
are off to the right. The trees are only 4 feet tall, but 20
feet wide.  Stainless steel leaves hang from their bubble
gum branches as pink and black steam spews from their
exposed roots. The air stings with the scent of stale
oysters and rotting, 3 day old, MacDougals BigMuck's.  There
is still no sign of civilization. The 12" CRT on Xaphod's
shoulder starts up: "This is David Halfmind. Tomorrow on
'Good Morning Idiots', we'll discuss herpes, the death
penalty, and aerobics at the office. We'll also be talking
with Yassir Arrafat about fashions for hot climates .  In
addition, we'll have some wonderful holiday recipes from the
Ayatollah Khomieni. Also, don't miss our special feature, 'A
trip to the Police Morgue', which we'll show right after the
weather report."]

Gillian:	Ugh, how awful.
Martin:	Thats what I keep telling you.
Xaphod:	Wow, what a great place for a vacation.
Arnold Lint:	Yah, if you enjoy misery.

["The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" lists Netrothea as
being in the top 10 places frequented by masochists. The
wretched climate and unfriendly people (who used to inhabit
the place) made Netrothea about as much fun as a spinal tap
performed with a boat hook.  Netrothea's popularity waned as
more and more places of vastly inferior quality were either
discovered or created. When these new, modern,
haunts-for-the-very-sick hit the market, old establishments
(like Netrothea) were doomed. The Netrothean government
tried to boost tourist trade by offering 'Club Mud'
vacations to Netrothea's famous 'Bile Bog', but it was to no
avail.]

Martin:	I can't even enjoy misery, I hate this place too.
Rod:	Quiet!
Xaphod:	Lets go over there.

(Arnold Lint and crew make their way around the 20 foot wide
trees, past the 40 foot tall monolith, under the stopwatch
draped over the towel rack, and over the 10 foot diameter
pimple. They finally arrive at a door set into the ground. A
stuffed penguin stands by the door, on it's head is a button
labeled "Ring for Verbal Abuse". Etched into the door are
the words:

	"X = 101010        Copyrighted by Deep Thought, so bug off".)

Arnold Lint:	One-Zero-One-Zero-One-Zero? What does it mean?
Xaphod:	I don't know?
Gillian:	Should we press the button?
Rod:	Might as well.
Xaphod:	(Trying to open the door) Yah, the door's locked anyway.
	Arnold, why don't YOU press the button.
Arnold Lint:	Thank you very much, I think not.
Martin:	All right, I'll do it.

(Martin presses the button, the door flies open, and a man pops out
to great the Infinity crew. He is dressed in a business suit and
sports a "Stupidity is it's own reward" button on his jacket.)

Man:	Well, what do you want you smelly, squirming insignificant
	vermin?
Rod:	We wanted to get in the door . . . who are you?
Man:	Oh, I'm Flarg Brittashik, awfully nice to meet you.
Xaphod:	(Confused) You're names' what?
Flarg:	FLARG BRITTASHIK, what are deaf as well as stupid? What a
	bunch of mindless, horrific oafs!
Arnold Lint:	Look you, just let us in the door and then push off!!
Flarg:	Why didn't you say so, follow me.

(Flarg descends down the stairs, the rest follow. The stairs form a
spiral, with a half-gainer twist, descending at an incredible rate to
the interior of Netrothea. The stairway is lit by the glow from
hallibut fished out of the sea around the nearby nuclear power
plant.)

Rod:	Where are we going?
Flarg:	WHERE ARE WE GOING?! What a perfectly stupid question. We're
	obviously going down you sickening, malodorous pervert! 
Gillian:	Do you realize that you're insulting us, and then the
	next moment being polite to us?
Flarg:	Oh, am I? I hadn't noticed.
Rod:	Well it's bloody anoying, mate.
Flarg:	Well, tough rocko's if I do, you wiper of other people's
	behinds!

[The act of wiping other peoples behinds, according to "The Hitch
Hikers Guide to the Net", was once considered a quite honorable
profession in certain areas of the Net. In fact, many of the old
regimes went so far as to have Royal Behind Wipers (or RBW's for
those readers used to TLA's - three letter acronyms)  whose sole task
it was to walk around behind his or her appointed monarch with toilet
paper in hand and perform the specified duty. Although this may seem
an unpopular job, the pay was quite good. As such, positions as Royal
'Pooper Scoopers' were often granted based on tournaments. These
tournaments resembled the earth's olympics except for two facets.
First, all events (actually, they only lasted for one event) were
fought to the death. And second, any event thought up had to envolve
the creative use of human excrement. ]

Martin:  You know, I would have thought any place as awful as this
  might have been amusing to me. But it's just as bad as the
  rest of the Net.  Good thing I'm just an android and don't
  have to ponder the reasons why the Net is as it is. I can
  just be content knowing that it can only get worse.

Xaphod:	One more word out of you, and I'll go at your memory banks
	with a chainsaw!!!

	******************** End Of Part 5 ********************

What will Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity find in Netrothea?
Will Flarg Brittashik insult them to distraction? Or are the already
distracted? Will Xaphod end up doing a lumberjack-job on Martin's
memory banks? In the off chance of being told the answers to these,
and other, ad-libbed questions . . . Tune in next time . . .  same
Net-time . .  . same Net-channel.

------------------------------

End of SF-LOVERS Digest
***********************
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