|[OT] The Dark Knight Rises (2012) review [message #186503]
||Sun, 22 July 2012 20:06
Registered: September 2012
The Dark Knight Rises (2012) review.
Well... where to start?
How about by summing up this movie as boring?
Oh, the production values were very high, the acting was okay, (batman's
mask still looks dorky), and YAWN (Batman is an incompetent slow moron in
this movie)! The following review contains spoilers.
Got into the theater late, missed a bit of the opening.
What I saw was an airplane being hijacked by a bunch of thugs leading to
one handsome thug being left behind.
Well, following an implausible rescue of one hostage we move onto a
Bruce Wayne in-home social event (he rebuilt his mansion that was burned
down by Ra's al Ghul's thugs in the first movie pretty quick we see).
A woman dressed as a maid steals some pearls from Bruce Wayne's safe and
escapes through a window after a short interaction with Bruce Wayne. Later
we find out that she is Selena Kyle (Catwoman) and has so very inconsistent
value systems and also has taken a copy of Bruce Wayne's fingerprints (very
easy to obtain usually by handing his playboy character a drink at a party,
taking the glass, and recovering those fingerprints from that, of course you
could just use a touch of superglue on the fingertip to screw those up).
This eventually leads to more boredom, the reemergence of Batman, a
highly unsafe flying vehicle (exposed rotor blades on the underside) and the
usual criminal hijinks. Some aspects of Chris Nolan's writing are retained
(the clever twists in the "Always have an exit plan" during the fingerprint
exchange, the bombing AGAIN of Gotham City -- Nolan is a secret admirer of
Michael Bay in making things go BOOM, and the emergence of Talia al
Ghul -whom actually has some passing Arabic facial features). Problems come
with making Batman slow and horrifyingly dim-witted in this movie. Yet again
the wealthy billionaire superhero is facing large numbers of very spread out
foes indicating that his biggest weakness is "crowd control" and he needs
"strength in numbers". No amount of gadgets beyond a robot army would
correct that painfully obvious tactical weakness so the logical fix is to
create a series of "anti-terrorist cells" using trustworthy operatives
(Warrin Ellis's "Global Frequency" comic series for the Wildstorm lineup
would be just one example). In fact, with all of the bodily damage Bruce
Wayne is listed to have suffered in his visit to the hospital as an excuse
to interview Jim Gordon, you'd think Batman would be exclusively doing
long-range attacks when possible.
Batman still does not use handguns, but certainly enjoys using
military-grade mobile firepower platforms in blasting his enemies into
machine-gun riddled corpses or throws an incendiary or concussion Bat
Grenade at your location. Oh no, he won't intentionally kill you with a
HAND-gun unless he has to retreat to his Multi-Rotor Batcopter "The Bat" and
launch heat-seeking missiles at you while he machine-guns you with a
30-millimeter M230 Chain Gun or blows you away using the weapon platforms on
the Bat-Cycle "The Batpod". No psychological break there folks, Batman just
won't use HAND-guns to kill you (usually).
Anyhoo, let's get back to the boring longass story made into a mostly
horribly written (it has moments of goodness) illogical mess of a movie.
Bane (voiced by Doctor Henry Killinger & his Magic Murder Bag or maybe a
less slobbery Baron Werner Underbheit) wears a pretty idiotic looking metal
Helmet Mouth Piece held in place by a techno-jockstrap. Bane, being an
idiotic strongman (in the comics powered by Joker Venom) would present less
of a threat than an angry wet kitten to a Batman with a utility belt full of
sleep-gas, portable explosives, Bat-Lasers, and Bat-Tasers. In fact, in
close combat, the new Bat-Armor Suit could just gut Bane like a trout using
the curved ARM SPIKES in the Bat-Armor (1 minute 25 seconds into the below
linked video). So any fight between Batman & Movie Bane would be laughably
short - LAUGHABLY SHORT. To correct this they've made Bane into the new
head of the League of Shadows (at first) and given him a terrorist army.
The bad guys also removed Bruce Wayne's riches by a stock market hijacking
with a street chase so as to bring Bruce Wayne "to the people's level".
Batman Tech Bat Armor & Cape
Bane, however, in a fair fight manages to beat Batman with a few simple
strong man moves and very little grappling indeed, breaking Bruce Wayne's
back and then leaves Bruce Wayne in an escapable prison WITHOUT GUARDS
inside a well with a video link to the suffering of Gotham (so escapable,
only a moron could not get out by chiseling handholds given the decades of
free time on the prisoner's hands plus the large amount of labor to achieve
it). Bane steals Bruce Wayne's fusion generator, rigs it up into
slow-decaying bomb status, blows up a large portion of Gotham to isolate it,
traps the police down in the sewer tunnels under Gotham, blows the bridges
into Gotham, and then fake-stages a "People's Revolution" (which leads to
lots of poverty and suffering) all so that they could futilely die when the
Fusion Generator/Bomb goes boom in 5 months anyway. Whereas a sneaky
program of chemical Eugenics into the water supply would eliminate all
Gotham Citizens from breeding out another generation of violent jackasses
without a fuss, but then we wouldn't see the Michael Bay Fanclub lighting
their farts into grandiose explosions (using overlaid concrete
infused-with-explosives underground rather than replacing plus repouring)
now would we?
Bruce Wayne manages to get his back fixed by the prison doctor and then
escapes from foreign well prison otherwise known as THE MORON HOLE to anyone
whom is not a drooling moron smearing feces on themselves could easily exit.
Bruce Wayne also then throws the escape rope on the side of THE MORON HOLE
back into THE MORON HOLE so that the soon-escaping prisoners can enjoy a
night of raping & murdering the innocent (because Batman is a "Hero to the
People") in the nearby city outside of THE MORON HOLE. By the way, THE MORON
HOLE was declared to be a "Deep Dark Pit where the worst of the evil people
were thrown in to be forgotten to endlessly fight amongst themselves leaving
only one victor and then Bane alone escaped that Hell Hole" to show us all
that Bane was indeed a Badass-Chief-Amongst-Badasses. Yeah, that plot point
sure paid off didn't it.
Then in a plot twist, we find out that Miranda Tate is actually a
Then in a plot twist, apparently Batman is too stupid to have any
anti-missile systems on his Batcopter (Multirotor Vehicle), especially
against his own missiles. We find out that Commissioner Gordon is too
stupid to spread himself out flat on an ice floe to prevent falling into a
frozen river. We find out that Alfred the Butler is a gutless whiner whom
will abandon Bruce Wayne at the drop of a hat if "it makes Alfred feel icky
inside". We find out that the people of Gotham are unable to organize
themselves effectively for any reason unless they are police. We find out
that although Bane has trapped the police underground for 5 months, the
police, when emerging are not starved mentally-dysfunctional smelly
cannibals (because Bane was feeding them very well the whole time, I guess)
suffering from chronic Vitamin D deficiency and frozen to death from the
winter weather, because the plot needs an army of disposable live healthy
police bodies in full CLEAN neat dress uniforms at that point. We find that
wearing a metal-mouth techno-jockstrap on the face "alleviates dental pain"
(without making you sound like Fat Albert's MushMouth character) and instead
allows you to sound like Doctor Henry Killinger whereas mere eating should
be a serious problem and a rich long-lived organization like "The League of
Shadows" apparently won't pay for reconstructive dental surgery plus neural
transplants. We find that Batman can be beaten soundly by a bit of muscle,
a bit of grappling, and he will instantly forget all of his nifty
kill-gadgets, training, grappling gun, and fight moronically fairly
hand-to-hand when there is zero advantage to do so. We find that Hindustan
(filmed in India) Prisons For Morons built inside wells are co-ed
(HAHAHAHAHA!), the prisoners speak English, there are no guards to prevent
prisoners escaping AT ALL, prisoners are fed very well in their little
Oubliette at least long enough to live there for six years pregnant then
later with a small child, sanitation obvious is no problem along with
obtaining water. A billionaire recluse can evade the corporate board
meetings for 8 years (without seeking high-end expensive medical treatment
for his very serious bodily injuries) and somehow not lose control of his
corporation or be in constant unending agony. A skin-tight black bodysuit
and heels are appropriate burglary & combat outfits and not somehow a recipe
for chronic heatstroke, broken ankles, and lots of stretch-abrasions (Indian
Rubs) inside of the bodysuit. We find out that an orphan policeman ( John
Blake) with the name "Robin" can discover Batman's secret identity very
easily (duh), take over Batman's cave at the end of the movie, and really
screw up a potential live action TEEN TITANS movie. We find out that Ra's
al Ghul (Head of the League of Shadows) was a military mercenary at some
point (?) who fell in love with an Arabic/India girl and gladly abandons his
past loves to a prolonged death. We find that within 5 months, a rope
around the body, pushup exercises, and jumping then falling 2 times with a
rope around the body a distance of 30 feet will not increase the damage of a
crippling back injury.
At least they abandoned the whole "Harvey Dent: A Symbol To Gotham"
syrupy moronic nonsense with the deep lasting emotional appeal of a pillow
Do you know the last name of your city's District Attorney? Go ahead
folks in the crowd, raise your hands. How about the Lieutenant Mayor? How
about the Secretary of State? Really?
In a plot twist, "The Wayne Manor Home For The Spiritual Reconstruction
Of Damaged Young Men" does not somehow sound like an overly long location
title and like a place no sane young man should ever visit if they value an
intact rectal sphincter.
WHAT A TWIST! (Ugh! - Worst Batman Movie next to "Batman & Robin" in
Ah, well, at least the upcoming live action JUSTICE LEAGUE movie in 2015
and the next Batman movie in Winter 2014 will be less suck-tacular and
Also a good review.
The Dark Knight Rises: A Comprehensive Review
Really hankering for a full-out Red Letter Media foaming-at-the-mouth
review of this "The Dark Knight Rises - Plothole Mania" now in the theme of
the Star Wars movie reviews (hopefully hitting the trio of movies). This
mushy weak review is so pathetic I want to force feed that duo Pizza Rolls
until they choke.
Half in the Bag: The Dark Knight Rises
|Re: [OT] The Dark Knight Rises (2012) review [message #186504 is a reply to message #186503]
||Sun, 22 July 2012 23:36
Registered: September 2012
Ah a few more, WHAT A TWIST things to note.|
Let's all throw these prisoners into a deep well, post no guards, AND
NEVER PUT A FRICKKEN GRILL/GATE/BARS OVER THE DAMNED THING. If climbing
fails, then there is always tunneling out the sides of the well. Other fun
bits, look around the well when Bruce Wayne emerges, ALL SAND. Do we see
sand blowing in all the time in the dry water-well-shaped prison? No? We
should. In fact, given that it is a big cylindrical hole in the ground we
should see scorpions, spiders, snakes, camels, mice, etc... falling in more
or less regularly with even more taking a tumble in at night given that the
dry water-well-shaped prison has no notable rim up on top. Thanks to Bane,
there now is even a Cable TV line + electricity into the well.
Ah well, nobody likes being stuck in THE MORON HOLE.
And with the "Bane is a Badass" pissed-away gimmick, we also find out
that it wasn't Bane that escaped THE MORON HOLE as a small child, but Talia
al Ghul. WHAT A TWIST! We find out that Talia did not fight her way out in
the "Pit of Horrors" (aka THE MORON HOLE), but merely was limber and
long-jumpy. So neither Bane or Talia were "Bad Asses" merely because she
escaped THE MORON HOLE (Bane was rescued later, but gained Talia enough time
to climb then jump her way to freedom). Granted they gained some badassery
skills later, but in regards to THE MORON HOLE, all I can say is that they
were publishing their own hype-job Press Releases for any moron to parrot
And I want to clarify a point. Bane's orthodontia pain-killing
apparatus, it is designed for alleviating pain INTO HIS MOUTH. A numbed
mouth. Constantly feeding pain-killers into his lips & jaw. Yeah, that's
the killer foe design to strike terror into the hearts of Gotham.
David After Dentist
Kyle After Wisdom Teeth Surgery
Chad After Dentist (David After Dentist Spoof)
Now all we need to do is substitute David with Bane including the Doctor
Henry Killinger & Magic Murder Bag voice.
"The Dark Knight Rises" (because it is chock full of yeast), your American
Dental Comedy of the year.
Caitlin After Dentist
AFV-Recovery Room Rambler
Wisdom Teeth Extraction: Aftermath
Whats in My Mouth?
Again, Bane in "The Dark Knight Rises" with his techo-jockstrap headgear
and mecha-mouth gear getting pain-killing drugs injected into his lips and
mouth regularly to numb the pain. Sounding like a clearer Baron Werner
Underbheit or Henry Killinger all the while with a numb mouth and oral
pain-killer injections. What part of this is logically wrong do you think?
Brock Gets his Wisdom Teeth Removed part 1 of 2
Brock gets his Wisdom Teeth Removed part 2 of 2
After Josh's wisdom teeth surgery!
Unicorn After Wisdom Teeth
Uploaded by Unicornpp on Mar 20, 2010
this is my friend after she got her wisdom teeth removed...the drugs may
have been a little strong "who's in the house?"
"I feel like a unicorn just took me on a ride to a magical palace, to the
land of the blueberries. And we eat onions all day...mushrooms... sometimes
if were lucky we get papaya. He flies me around and I hang on to the
unIcorn, and we float away to the land of the ease... and we float float
float... who's in the house? JC! tell me who's in the house? JC! He was born
to a virgin named Mary on Christmas day, he bled and he just died on the
cross to take sin away, you take him high, you take him low, you take JC
wherever you go, now tell me who who who who who tell me who's in the house?
JC! Tell me who's in the house? JC! Jesus Christ is in the house today. Are
you okay? Are you okay?! I'm Okay. I'm just (gibberish) gospel. You got a
mouth full of cotton. I'm so thirsty. It's peculiar. It's quite peculiar!
|Re: [OT] The Dark Knight Rises (2012) review [message #186506 is a reply to message #186503]
||Tue, 24 July 2012 13:27
Registered: September 2012
Re: [OT] The Dark Knight Rises (2012) review|
5 Big Problems With THE DARK KNIGHT RISES
1. Bane & the doctor hanging by the rope (so many improbable
anti-physics issues with that).
2. Stock Exchange robbery on a sunny morning, 5 minutes after the police
chase it is a deep black midnight setting (note the ticking clock on the
laptop is also setting the scene to be mere minutes later, not hours later).
3. Bruce Wayne falls in love with Miranda Tate in 15 seconds under the
4. Bane torments Bruce Wayne in the hole with all of the false hope
tedious blather, no wait, let's take 5 MONTHS to defeat us rather than just
click-BOOM! Instead, lots of Herpity-Derp idiocy.
5. Little blonde girl discovers the Batcave, becomes Batgirl, so orphan
cop boy discovers Batman's secret identity by "I saw you fake smile AHA
you're Batman!" So Bruce Wayne gives Little Orphan Cop Boy becomes Batman
with no ninja training (no funding either, so don't break those "wonderful
toys"). Good luck with that. The costume is not what makes Batman the
Re: Should I feed the plot hole trolls?
by shaneho2005 2 hours ago (Tue Jul 24 2012 08:08:46)
Ignore this User | Report Abuse Reply
UPDATED Tue Jul 24 2012 08:09:18
9 Logical Gripes With The Dark Knight Rises
http://movieline.com/2012/07/23/dark-knight-rises-plot-holes -9-logical -problems/
5 Big Problems With THE DARK KNIGHT RISES
More plot contrivances:
1. Bruce Wayne randomly sleeps with a mildly attractive woman he just met
and turns over his entire company to her and gives her control of a nuclear
reactor that he never trusted to anyone, not even fully to himself. Oh and
she has a freaky scar branded on her back, but Bruce don't care. She must be
trustworthy because she paid for all the food at the charity gala herself.
2. Despite being a cripple with serious medical problems, not limited to
non-existent knee cartilage, Bruce Wayne is suddenly able to walk perfectly,
rappel down a building to Gordon, and within days even fight hordes of
villains. All due to his magic leg braces.
3. Later Bane breaks Wayne's spine and without any real medical attention
Wayne recovers fully and is able to walk again and climb/jump like a monkey
within a few short weeks to months. All due to push-ups and a guy punching
his vertebrae back in place.
4. Bane has to go Bond villain and puts Bruce in an easily escapable
situation, a pit that he has even seen a child escape from. He could have
paid a few armed guards to stand at the top of the pit to kill anyone who
actually makes it, but no. The laughably bad excuse of "your punishment must
be more severe" is given.
5. Batman shows up to save Gordon and Robin at the exact moment they are
both about to be executed and saves them. Of course this was after he spent
hours putting up his flamin' bats all around the city bridges. He must have
tracking devices on all his cop buddies so that he can save their butts in
the nick of time.
6. As a nuclear bomb is about to go off, everyone stands around and listens
to Talia's boring monologue. So boring apparently she even makes herself
fall asleep listening to herself talk. And then Selina and Batman decide to
make out for a few minutes while the bomb continues to tick.
7. A fusion bomb goes off within sight range of the city and no one is
affected or dies. Not even Bruce Wayne. Apparently in Nolan's "gritty,
realistic" universe 6 mile radius neutron bombs detonating over the ocean
don't leave radiation or cause tsunamis, and helicopters can travel at the
speed of sound.
8. Robin figures out that Bruce Wayne is Batman because Bruce Wayne is an
angry orphan just like him. THAT'S HOW HE FIGURED IT OUT?!
Just ignore that Bruce Wayne is the only person who could afford Batman's
vehicles and gadgets, he has an axe to grind against criminals of Gotham, he
is constantly mysteriously disappearing, and even strongly supported Harvey
Dent. He must be Batman because he has an angry orphan face.
The Dark Knight Rises Ending and Plot Holes
How does Bruce Wayne get back into the city so easily quickly with no
money, how'd he get clothes, sneak in past the military?
How did Bruce Wayne get his broken back fixed with just a kick to the
back and become stronger, doing pushups, how exactly would that work?
How did Bruce Wayne escape the nuclear blast (revealed at end with "The
Bat" auto-pilot bit with Lucious Fox)?
How did Alfred see Bruce Wayne and Selenia Kyle at the cafe later (video
guy is figuring that Bruce Wayne is dead and this was all a hallucination by
Alfred, but that big plothole is covered-sort of if Bruce bailed out of "The
Bat" near the Gotham shoreline, although he'd still be flash-fried dead from
the thermal nuclear radiation blast with heavy neutron exposure, the
following shock blast, the following tidal wave, and the implosive wave
which would suck the lungs from his guts in a similar manner to a Fuel-Air
bomb blast -- REFERENCES below).
(4:11) If Batman Begins started with Bruce Wayne was 30, then The Dark
Knight lasts 3 to 5 years total, so if he was only around for 3 to 5 years,
what "Legend" was there? What "Legacy"? Cause at the before the "The Dark
Knight" he goes off for 8 years (making Bruce Wayne 41 to 43 years-old).
What is a better ending, Batman dies saving Gotham or Batman lives (Bruce
Wayne cannot live without being Batman). He cannot believe that Bruce Wayne
just went off to live a life merrily ever after. He would prefer Batman had
John Blake being Robin at the end, it bothers him.
Jim Fetzer: Now Chris, perhaps you can confirm my impression that one of
the benefits of these neutron weapons is that they kill people but don't
Dr. Busby: Well that's why they were developed, of course. Yes, that's
correct, that is why they were developed.
Jim Fetzer: Could you sketch some of these wounds so that we would have a
better idea of what you are talking about?
Dr. Busby: There are people who have been found that for no apparent
reason their bodies are slightly swollen and they cut the bodies open to
look inside and found nothing at all which could produce pain-explain why
they are dead.
Now this could be the consequence of a thermobaric weapon. Now uranium
explosives have been associated with the development thermobaric weapons
because what these weapons do, instead of their "bang" very sharply with a
kind of sharp shock wave, they produce a very slow shock wave, so the shock
wave goes out and then it sucks back into a vacuum. It just destroys people
by its sudden change in pressure. It sucks their lungs out, if you like.
So that could be one of them.
Now I took photographs of a boy who was hit by one of these weapons and
there's a stripe across his chest which is like a black stripe. The rest of
him is perfectly all right. There is no problem with him, but where the
stripe crosses his arm, the arm has been completely charred and its like you
can just see two sticks where the bones are still there but they're
carbonized. So this guy who has obviously standing by a window and some
enormous heat has come through the window and has just totally wiped out
parts of him and other parts are completely unharmed. There are a number of
these pictures around which really don't make sense unless you have some
kind of new weapon that we don't fully understand [yet] . . .
Daisy Cutter is a generic term for a F.A.E. weapon, a Fuel/Air/Explosive, It
is an air released freefall weapon consisting of two parts. Part one is a
fuel container, usually filled with aviation grade gasoline, that is
designed to vaporize the fuel upon impact with the target. The second part
then falls in the center of the vapor cloud and ignites it. The result is
that the entire area of the fuel cloud explodes. A typical FAE Weapon can
kill an enemy soldier as far away as 3 miles from the point if impact,
either by the shock of the explosion, or the implosion air being sucked back
in the fill the vacuum created by the explosion. Casualties have been found
with pieces of their lungs hanging out of their mouths.
The FAE Weapon, also known as a "Daisy Cutter" is the most powerful
Non-Nuclear weapon in the world.
Dark Knight Rises (2012) the very worst plothole (the ending, death to
Gotham by tidal wave, nuclear fallout, hard radiation exposure from a very
short distance, flash-fried bodies from the thermal blast, shockwaves from
the nuclear explosion collapsing the already weakened buildings of Gotham
from the previous city-wide explosions 5 months earlier).
For any of you folks out there whom have played with the POWDERTOY
physics simulator, you'll know what I'm talking about.
Pointer Sisters - Neutron Dance 1986
Industry don't pay a price that's fair
All the common people breathing filthy air
Roof caved in on all the simple dreams
And to get ahead your heart starts pumping schemes
And it's hard to say
Just how some things never change
And it's hard to find
Any strength to draw the line
I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance
I'm just burning doin' the neutron dance
I'm on fire
I'm on fire
|Re: [OT] The Dark Knight Rises (2012) review [message #186507 is a reply to message #186503]
||Wed, 25 July 2012 00:40
Registered: September 2012
Last one and then I think my anger might be appeased a bit more.|
1000 things i learned from TDKR
29. Butlers get subscriptions to "MUSCLE THUG MONTHLY - Breathing Mask
Edition" so that they can recite inaccurate press releases on obscure
criminals when needed.
34. Being "Exiled" from the extremely secretive "The League of Shadows"
somehow means wearing a promotion to bossing around a larger group of
die-for-their-boss thugs and not a slit throat with an unmarked grave. Oh
and a butler would know all this, JUST BECAUSE.
35. Young girls with zero athletic training and half the body-length of a
grown muscular man can jump farther when required.
39 When the biggest fraud in history is committed at the stock exchange,
rendering all of Bruce Wayne's shares in his company null, not even his
fellow board members will give him the benefit of the doubt nor will all
transactions be declared void during the siege at the stock exchange.
40 Despite saving the city twice previously, Aflred will admit to Bruce that
he wish he had never come back, although the alternative he would probably
be suffering from Scarecrow's mass hallucinogenic formula or maybe even a
casualty of the Joker's rampage across Gotham.
41 Alfred will insist on Bruce hanging up the Cowel despite ongoing threats
42 Selina will risk getting caught at one of Bruce's fundraisers while
wearing his dead mother's pearl necklace.
43. An orphan policeman with zero athletic training, no money to speak of,
no tactical psychological training, gifted with a cave hideout with
unreplaceable gadgets is the ideal candidate to replace a mentally-unstable
billionaire whom trained in an assassins guild. Oh and he's going to have to
operate under the house grounds of hundreds of bored orphan boys now. Well,
good luck with that. The suit ALONE obviously makes the Batman a competent
48. When wearing night-vision techo-goggles, the best place to have them
when not in usage is on top of your hair. Because hair oils will never get
on the lenses or hair snagging into the arm joints.
51 Even though Bruce has lost control of his company, the utility company
will declare him not credit worthy and cut off his power.
57. However big the impending catastrophe might be...it is absolutely
necessary to kiss the person in front of you
60. If you the Doctor diagnoses you with no cartilage in your knee and you
have been walking with a stick for some time then don't worry. Simply get
the crap beaten out of you, break your back, spend time in an underground
prison doing push ups and sit ups. Sooner or later you will be back up
walking, jumping and running like the good old days!!
60A. Despite numerous betrayals, Batman decides Selina will be a valuable
ally in retaking Gotham even though she told him a storm was coming and that
she can adapt. So he gives her a tank killer. And trusts she will return to
help in his hour of need.
65 Rather than just blowing up the atomic bomb there and then with Bruce
watching from his cell, Bane will wait patiently for the bombs core to
deteriorate giving Gotham a chance to form a resistance and foil his plan.
His plan was always to see Gotham burn but he would rather spend his time
policing Gotham, providing food rations to the populace and attending mock
68. A broken back can be fixed by a ninja-chop to your spine!
The Dumb Knight Rises...the whole story
by godspeed_f24 1 day ago (Sun Jul 22 2012 21:51:14)
UPDATED Mon Jul 23 2012 21:54:24
Have you seen TDKR yet? Jesus, it *beep* sucked. It sucked so bad, that I
need to talk about this movie because I think this was perhaps one of the
stupidest films I have ever seen. I see people confused about the plot and
some details so I'm going to take you through it bit by bit, logic holes and
all. It's not all bad. There's some good stuff in here but it's basically a
sh** sandwich. So here we go...
First, we open up the movie with the plane hijacking which is our
introduction to Bane. They pull off a Bond-centric stunt and kidnap nuclear
bomb guy and it was pretty cool even if Bane sounded like my grandfather on
a respirator. So far so good.
Then we're at the Wayne residence. And it's time for what Nolan does best.
Exposition baby!! That train is never late. Let's get started. It's Harvey
Dent Day!! Celebration of the Dent Act which is keeping Gotham's worst
criminals behind bars with no parole. Gordon is bumbling and stumbling
trying to come up with some kind words for Gotham's deceased psycho DA. We
learn through convenient conversation from unnecessary new character #1
(Foley) that Gordon's wife took the kids and left him and he won't be
commissioner too much longer because they're planning to dump him. Foley is
obviously an ambitious little weasel and he's like Gordon is about to get
canned? Ch-ching!! Why the audience needs to know this I have no idea
because nothing ever comes of this info. Miranda Tate (unnecessary new
character #2) is still trying to see Bruce Wayne for some big project.
Alfred tells her to step off.
We also find out Bruce Wayne is a Uncle Fester crippled recluse who never
comes out of Wayne Manor. Why? He's been retired as Batman for 8 years still
brooding over the loss of Rachel even though they had the chemistry of Tom &
Jerry in the previous two films.
Selina Kyle is busy masquerading as a maid and stealing pearls belonging to
Bruce's mom which also contains his fingerprints (for a later thread in this
convoluted story). Bruce goes Hawkeye on Selina with a bow and arrow and
they have a nice chat before she takes John Kreese's advice and sweeps the
leg on that cripple Wayne and hops out the window.
Bruce is intrigued by this chick so he goes to the batcave which looks like
it's been rebuilt even though Batman has been "retired" for 8 years. This
scene is basically there to give Bruce his one minute of doing detective
work. Alfred finds Bruce in the bat cave and gives the same old tired
monologue about how he wishes Bruce would end up as just a regular Joe with
a nice family blah blah blah. And to top it off Nolan shows Alfred's little
dream sequence where he sees Bruce in a cafe with his family. Nolan has the
subtlety of a sledgehammer to the face so as soon as I saw this scene I knew
it was going to come into play later in the film.
Selina delivers Bruce's fingerprints to Dagget (unnecessary character #3 AKA
plot device) who's working with Bane. He's planning to set up Bruce to lose
his wealth later on in the movie in an attempt to take over Wayne
Enterprises. However, Catwoman gets double-crossed and doesn't get what she
wants in return which is the macguffin device known as "StartYourLifeOver".
No, that's not it. I think it was called "LifeEraser". No...it'll come to me
later. Anyway this ridiculous little device is supposed to wipe out your
entire criminal history from the computers (Daggett spells this out to the
audience almost as if he had the instruction manual for this device right
there in his hands). However, if authorities have a paper file on you that's
two inches thick with your history and photos that little device isn't going
to help much. Anyhow, Catwoman tricks Dagget's thugs into calling the cops
who show up right away. She plays victim and screams her head off as they
tear up the place. She escapes.
During the melee the action somehow goes into the sewer with Gordon being
caught and taken to Bane and his little army. I can't remember how because I
was a bit bored by then and ruffling my popcorn trying to find the ones with
butter. Bane isn't happy that his goons brought Gordon to his pad so he
starts breaking the necks of his troops like Darth Vader...except without
the Force. Gordon is like *beep* this and rolls into the sewer where the
clairvoyant John Blake (unnecessary character #4 who steals Batman's movie)
arrives just in time to find him coming out.
Speaking of the clairvoyant John Blake he stops by Bruce's place to clue him
in that he knows he's Batman. How? Because they're both orphans and Blake
could read his face. No, I'm not kidding. That's the reason lol. I *beep*
chortled in the theater when he said it. Blake tells Bruce that Batman is
needed once again.
To speed this story along. Bruce tracks down Selina at Miranda Tate's party.
They dance and chat it up and Bruce takes his mom's pearls back. To return
the favor she steals his car and goes on a joyride. Bruce also visits Fox at
Wayne enterprises to talk about the new macguffin device that can be turned
into a nuclear weapon which plays a role later in the film. While Bruce is
there he gets a look at some new toys that have been in development. Most
notably "The Bat" which as we find out later in the film any person can
apparently drive and operate with no training whatsoever. Even Lucius has
taken it for a spin on occasion when traffic is just too heavy.
Bruce goes back to the bat cave and tries to figure things out. Luckily
ex-CIA operative Alfred conveniently knows the scoop on Bane's history and
of course spoonfeeds the audience of his origin. What, you really thought
Alfred was just a butler? Cmon lol. This guy can get the info and
motivations about anyone just by snapping his fingers. I wouldn't be
surprised at this point if Alfred knew who killed Kennedy.
Back to Bane. He and his goons attack the stock exchange in an attempt to
bankrupt Bruce Wayne (using his fingerprints) and they succeed. During their
escape they use hostages strapped to their motorbikes to get away. The cops
are chasing them and one of the cops actually says shoot the tires LOL. I'm
laughing about that because if they shoot the tires and the bike falls I'm
pretty sure the hostages strapped to the front and back of those bikes are
going to incur some major head damage when they wipe out since their arms
are tied and they can't protect themselves lol. The chase leads to a tunnel
which suddenly starts going dark and you guessed it!! Batman is back and
comes out of the darkness on his cool Batpod. The senior cop tells his
little young, flunky partner "BOY, you're in for a show tonight!!".
Actually, no. Not much of a show at all. Batman rides his batpod and really
does nothing. Ambitious weasel Foley who was chasing Bane at first suddenly
turns his attention to the bigger fish Batman and wants to take him down
even more than Bane to make Gordon look bad. So the whole police force
chases Batman. Batman drives down a dark alley and the cops conveniently
stop their pursuit (why? I don't know) and think they have Bats surrounded.
Suddenly we see "The Bat" rise from the alley where it was conveniently
placed (and not a single person in the city saw it fly there and noticed it
was parked). That thing must have stealth. Batman escapes of course and the
"show" is over.
Back to the Wayne residence where Bruce is getting cocky and underestimating
Bane. Alfred in one last ditch effort to stop Bruce admits he destroyed
Rachel's letter and that she chose Dent over him. Bruce says low blow man
and Alfred once again pours on the monologue and waterworks like we haven't
heard this sh** enough times already. By now I'm getting annoyed with the
crying and just want Bruce to kindly tell Alfred to STFU. Bruce says nothing
damaging but Alfred leaves for good voluntarily and Bruce is on his own.
Good riddance I say.
To make matters worse Fox informs Bruce that he's broke now and they make
plans for unknown Miranda Tate to take over Wayne Enterprises just to stick
it to Dagget. However, they must inform Tate about the macguffin nuclear
device sitting in the basement and that it's not a toy to be played with. If
it was that dangerous they could have just saved time and dismantled the
thing but that would have been too logical. A little while later Tate goes
to visit Bruce at his home for some reason. The lights go out since Bruce
has no money to pay his electricity bill. She starts the fireplace up and
yeah Stevie Wonder could see where this is headed. Bruce and Ms. Tate get it
on and that's that.
Bruce is feeling spry after gettin' some and sets out to meet Catwoman to
track down Bane. However, before he does that Nolan tells him to dress up as
Batman and climb onto something really high so the Batman fanboys can get
their obligatory shot of him looking over the city with his cape flapping in
the wind. Batman stares out for awhile and then says "Good enough?". Nolan
nods approvingly. The very next scene has Batman in the sewer meeting with
Catwoman asking her to take him to Bane. A short stroll 20 seconds later and
they're in Bane's lair. Catwoman locks Batman in the UFC cage with Bane (one
of the few cool parts of the movie) and he proceeds to thrash Batman while
talking trash in his old man, high brow, raspy Darth Vader voice the whole
time. Batman uses all the tricks at his disposal but Bane has seen all of
this crap before since he was also trained by Ra's. He beats Batman like he
stole something and breaks his back over his knee. Catwoman looks on with
the guilty conscience.
Meanwhile the entire police force goes underground to search for Bane and
his men. Yeah, seriously. They send the ENTIRE force down in the sewer.
Sounds stupid? Because it is lol. Bane clairvoyantly planned for this kind
of convenient stupidity and had bombs planted to trap the cops underground
and to also blow the bridges. And while he was at it decided to blow up the
whole Pittsburgh, errrr, Gotham Steelers team as well. If that doesn't get
the citizens of Gotham on your side nothing will lol. It gets better. He
says there's an atomic bomb in the city and it will be detonated if anyone
tries to leave Gotham or anyone sneaks in. You'd think there would be mass
panic in the streets right? People saying *beep* it and fleeing for their
lives? Maybe try to hop on a boat? Nope. All goes according to plan and
millions of Gotham's citizens hole up in their homes. It's a ghost town. How
does Bane's little army keep tabs on the whole city? How do the citizens of
Gotham get food and everything for months on end? How does the city continue
to operate? Who the *beep* knows? No one lays out any rules. The underlying
message of this far-fetched plan is loud and clear...this movie is starting
Bane also finds time to drop Bruce off at the Lazarus Pit in some other
country and tells him that he intends to give Gotham hope before killing
them all. Yeah, everything he's doing to that city really inspires the
people with hope, right? lol. Anyhow Bruce's punishment has to be more
severe so Bane leaves him there with built-in cable TV and snacks so Bruce
can watch the destruction of Gotham helplessly.
Back to Gotham where Bane is now on a loudspeaker telling the city of Gotham
that they've been lied to. He pulls out a letter written by Gordon and gives
the details in fire and brimstone about DA Harvey Dent. Why the city of
Gotham would believe a madman who blew up their bridges, trapped their cops
underground, blew up their football team and threatened them with an atomic
bomb is beyond me. Bane tries to give them even more hope by releasing their
criminals into the street. Who in the hell writes this stuff? lol. I guess
Mr. Logic took a break from this movie for awhile. I hope he makes it back
because this movie is getting a little ridiculous.
Blake is disappointed in Gordon for not telling the truth about Dent. Gordon
snaps back defensively and that's that. Blake starts doing a lot of
detective stuff because he seems to be the only cop left in Gotham. He takes
over the movie for awhile while Batman is out of commission. It's basically
"John Blake Begins".
Back in the pit Bruce is getting his back rehabilitated by the resident
witch doctor who knocks Bruce's back into place Looney Tunes style and
strings him up to heal. The movie speeds ahead (in a Nolan movie 3 minutes
equals 3 months) and Bruce is back doing pushups and situps in no time
trying to get out of the pit with the locals chanting gibberish cheering him
on. The third or fourth try is a charm (I lost count by then) and Bruce
finally gets out. He looks around and is in the middle of nowhere except a
village in the far distance. Then Bruce is back in Gotham asking Selina Kyle
for help and...wait a minute, what the *beep* ?!? How did Bruce get back
into Gotham with no money and no resources and with Gotham supposedly locked
down? Secondly, how did Bruce find Selina in that HUGE city in the first
place? And why is Bruce asking for the help of a woman who assisted in
bankrupting him and set him up to get beaten within an inch of his life? Mr.
Logic? Are you there? Oh that's right he left a long *beep* time ago and
apparently isn't coming back. Selina tells Bruce there's nothing else he can
do for the people of Gotham. She's getting the hell outta dodge and he
should come with her.
Meanwhile the locals have been restless and kicking the sh** out of the
rich. They hold mock trials and sentence the Mitt Romney types to walk over
the frozen ice where it eventually collapses and they comically fall in.
Gordon and his crew of Merrymen are caught and sentenced to death by
Jonathan Crane (aka Scarecrow) who has nothing better to do these days. As
Gordon and crew are walking to their eventual death you'll never guess who
appears? Batman, who despite his heavy armor can walk across the ice just
fine with no problem whatsoever. He also conveniently knew where to find
Gordon JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME. That's not all. Batman is also a budding
artist. He gives Gordon a flare and tells him to go ahead and light it.
Gordon need not worry about melting the ice...it's Bat-tested. So Gordon
throws the flare on the ice and it starts a line of fire (I'm laughing as
I'm typing this because it's so dumb) and it reveals a HUGE fire logo of
Batman's symbol. Not only did that probably take hours to do but it also
ruins the element of surprise. Hans Zimmer's score blares the Batman music
for this monumental feat and I keep telling myself it's going to get
better...it's going to get better. Sad to say, it doesn't.
So by now this movie is so far gone it just doesn't matter anymore and I
think Nolan knows it. I honestly believe he's trolling the audience and the
critics just to see how much crap he can get away with. So back to the
movie. Bruce conveniently found Selina Kyle, conveniently found Gordon just
in time to save him. What's one more time going to hurt? John Blake, you're
up!! Batman saves Blake just in time from Bane's crew and for some reason
tells Blake to wear a *beep* mask. Jesus H. Christ Nolan can you telegraph
the ending of this movie any more?!?
The cops get free and they all exit their sewer-dwelling existence as if
they've been doing Bic shaving commercials. Ambitious weasel Foley has
turned to last minute good guy after Gordon convinces him to lead the police
charge against Bane's men. The unarmed cops run straight into Bane's
mercenaries who are armed with tanks and automatic rifles. Batman once again
comes out of nowhere in "The Bat" at the last second to aid in the charge. I
guess Bane's guys run out of ammo after a few seconds (they can't shoot
worth a piss anyhow) because it just becomes a battle royale of fists flying
everywhere. Batman makes his way through the crowd practically untouched and
comes face to face with Bane for the rematch while the chaos ensues all
around them. The final fight scene of Enter the Dragon instantly comes to
mind with Bruce Lee about to battle Han lol. Batman and Bane go at it and
Batman targets Bane's mask. It seems he can't breathe when that mask is
continually getting hit and Batman gets the upper hand. Batman starts
screaming in his gruff comical Bat-voice asking Bane the whereabouts of the
trigger to detonate the bomb. He's about to do Bane dirty when Miranda Tate
(aka Talia Al Ghul) shanks Batman in the back and reveals her true identity.
It's supposed to be a big plot twist but by this time I'm like who gives a
rat's ass?!? Talia (like father, like daughter) talks about her and Bane's
history and monologues her whole plan to a stunned Batman. While she's
flapping her gums Gordon is playing action hero and manages to plant a
convenient device to block the neutron bomb from being detonated. Talia
finishes her life story and hits the button waiting for the explosion.
Nothing happens. Her plan has been foiled...curses!!
Talia leaves Bane to finish the job on Batman but Catwoman sneaks up on
everyone with a suddenly silent Batpod and just in the nick of time (yeah,
it's a running theme) saves Batman and blows Bane back to the stone ages.
Batman gets his 2nd wind despite having a serious knife wound and chases
Talia down in "The Bat" with Catwoman assisting on the Batpod. Talia crashes
the truck and starts the typical villain death monologue. Rather than get
the bomb out of Gotham ASAP Batman, Gordon, and Catwoman stand there
comically listening before she dies one of the most horribly acted deaths
I've ever seen. Batman looks at his watch and figures he has a bit more time
to waste with Gordon and Catwoman before he finally starts towing the bomb
out to sea away from Gotham. We see a closeup of Batman's face as he's
flying out to sea and the bomb finally explodes. Gotham is saved and it's
the end of Batman....or is it?
Well, everything is wrapped up nice and neat. We see Bruce Wayne's funeral
with Alfred crying once again that he failed the family. I know it's
supposed to be sad and all but I'm sick of Alfred's sh**...sorry. Wayne
Manor basically becomes an orphanage. Batman gets a really cool statue in
his honor. We find out John Blake's name is actually "Robin" in the most
cringe-worthy, eye-roll inducing way possible. Gordon is seen checking out
what looks like the new Bat, errr Blake-signal. Fox learns the autopilot was
fixed by Bruce Wayne and he gets a knowing expression. Then we see Alfred in
a scene that looks just like his cafe dream that he had earlier in the
movie. He looks over and sees Bruce with Selina Kyle. Bruce smiles and
Alfred smiles back....Batman is ALIVE!! I sure as hell didn't see that
coming. The final shot of the movie is Blake finding the Batcave signaling
he's the new Batman even though he's had no training and no wealth
whatsoever. I can't wait to see him get his ass kicked. Cue the credits.
|Re: The Dark Knight Rises (2012) review [message #186510 is a reply to message #186508]
||Wed, 25 July 2012 12:46
Registered: September 2012
On Wednesday, July 25, 2012 10:07:22 AM UTC-4, Reaper G wrote:|
> On Jul 24, 9:40 pm, "George Johnson" <matri...@charter.net> wrote:
> > Last one and then I think my anger might be appeased a bit more.
> Jonah had "Boogie Nights", you have "Dark Knight Rises".
You know, if a Bad Moon were to rise, it wouldn't be such a Dark Night. Something to thing about, perhaps.
-Doug Elrod (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I hear hurricanes ablowing! :-)
|Re: The Dark Knight Rises (2012) review [message #186731 is a reply to message #186510]
||Wed, 01 August 2012 01:53
Registered: September 2012
In <email@example.com> Doug Elrod <firstname.lastname@example.org> writes:|
> On Wednesday, July 25, 2012 10:07:22 AM UTC-4, Reaper G wrote:
>> On Jul 24, 9:40=A0pm, "George Johnson" <matri...@charter.net=
> > wrote:
>> > =A0 =A0 Last one and then I think my anger might be appeased a bit m=
>> Jonah had "Boogie Nights", you have "Dark Knight Rises&quo=
> You know, if a Bad Moon were to rise, it wouldn't be such a Dark Night. So=
> mething to thing about, perhaps.
Hey, yeah, whatever happened to Jonah, anyway?
http://nebusresearch.wordpress.com/ Joseph Nebus
Current Entry: Reading the Comics, July 28, 2012 http://wp.me/p1RYhY-hO
|Re: The Dark Knight Rises (2012) review [message #186735 is a reply to message #186731]
||Wed, 01 August 2012 16:34
Registered: September 2012
In article <email@example.com>,|
nebusj-@-rpi-.edu (Joseph Nebus) wrote:
> In <firstname.lastname@example.org> Doug Elrod
> <email@example.com> writes:
>> On Wednesday, July 25, 2012 10:07:22 AM UTC-4, Reaper G wrote:
>>> On Jul 24, 9:40=A0pm, "George Johnson" <matri...@charter.net=
>> > wrote:
>>> > =A0 =A0 Last one and then I think my anger might be appeased a bit m=
>>> Jonah had "Boogie Nights", you have "Dark Knight Rises&quo=
>> You know, if a Bad Moon were to rise, it wouldn't be such a Dark Night. So=
>> mething to thing about, perhaps.
> Hey, yeah, whatever happened to Jonah, anyway?
Come in an' warm yourself by this roarin' candle.
|Re: [OT] The Dark Knight Rises (2012) review [message #186737 is a reply to message #186732]
||Wed, 01 August 2012 23:03
Registered: September 2012
"Joseph Nebus" <nebusj-@-rpi-.edu> wrote in message |
> In <_w0Pr.firstname.lastname@example.org> "George Johnson"
> <email@example.com> writes:
>> The Dark Knight Rises (2012) review.
>> Well... where to start?
>> How about by summing up this movie as boring?
>> Oh, the production values were very high, the acting was okay,
>> mask still looks dorky), and YAWN (Batman is an incompetent slow moron in
>> this movie)! The following review contains spoilers.
> I have not yet seen the movie (or any of the Nolan Batman
> series), so I can't offer intelligent commentary. I hope that it is
> of some comfort to you that your tears are in fact delicious to read
> http://nebusresearch.wordpress.com/ Joseph
> Current Entry: Reading the Comics, July 28, 2012
> ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------
I had no tears, merely a growing anger at the poor quality of the movie.
It was a pathetic pillow-fart of a movie to end two mostly entertaining
(though exceptionally slow-paced) uplifts to the Batman movie genre. When a
director like Chris Nolan (once known as "The Smart Movie Director")
produces a movie that is worse than a Joel Schumacher Batman movie, then he
no longer deserves my respect. "The Dark Knight Rises" was worse than
1997's "Batman & Robin" -- WORSE!
I will be skipping the new Superman movie "Man of Steel" (Henry Cavill
looks great as beefcake, shirtless, bearded, and hairy chested... sigh)
because now Chris Nolan's name means "Crap Movie" to me since the "Dark
Knight Rises" crap-mess. Granted he had 5 good movies, but having the
credit of Chris Nolan -- WRITER -- "The Dark Knight Rises (screenplay /
story)" is just simply my end of any fanboy status for Chris Nolan ever
A shame though, as Zack Snyder's name at least means "Talented
Genre-Aware Fan Director". Zack Snyder is about as strong a comicbook movie
draw as having Bruce Timm's name in directing or the movie having Andrea
Romano as the Casting & Voice Directing talent.