| MiSTed: [ 1 / 1 ] Imagine! Your Christmas Greeting Inside A Chinese Fortune Cooky! [message #178797] |
Thu, 31 December 2009 22:43  |
nebusj-
Messages: 623
Registered: September 2012
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Senior Member |
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[ SEASON SEVEN opening credits. ]
[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. Desk. MIKE is reading the SATELLITE NEWS;
CROW and TOM carrying bags slung over their shoulders enter.
The bags are full of greeting cards. ]
TOM: [ Hesitantly ] Ahem?
CROW: [ Coughing ] Um ... uh ...
TOM: [ Nervous, once MIKE, perhaps unwisely, looks up ] Ah, good day
or evening sir and/or ma'am?
CROW: [ Also as a frightened child ] And with the upcoming seasons of
seasonal greetings with calling for celebrations of seasonal
greetings to be given out around the holiday seasoning ...
TOM: [ To CROW ] You're skipping, let me! [ To MIKE ] And for only
twenty cents per card on certain deals you can have a customized
and personal message for convenient home delivery?
MIKE: [ Patiently putting down the newspaper ] Oh, let's see. Tom?
Crow? Trying to build an economy on me sending cards to you,
Crow, and Gypsy for Christmas?
TOM: Not merely for Christmas mister and/or missus Mike but for any of
the holidays you can send out cards for.
MIKE: So I could send my wishes to the three of you for any holiday that
I felt like?
CROW: Our fine line of finely lined cards are open to many interpretative
holiday acts.
MIKE: Ah-huh. So you're actually getting me set for the New Jersey Big
Sea Day, and not just, oh, running some thing where Doctor and
Mrs Forrester get you to swipe my meager paycheck for a promise
of delivery of cards about three months after I forget I ever
wanted any at all?
[ DEEP 13. DR FORRESTER and PEARL FORRESTER are squinting into the camera. ]
DR.F: Mother, they're on to us!
PEARL: Clayton, go deep, break left, watch for the long pass.
[ DR FORRESTER runs to the far end of Deep 13. ]
PEARL: All right, if we can't get you on cards ... [ She punches several
miscellaneous buttons as DR FORRESTER prances back and forth in
the background ] ... We'll get you *cookies*!
DR.F: I'm open!
[ PEARL grabs a piece of Deep 13-crusted camera gear and tosses it at
DR FORRESTER, who catches it, knocking him over. ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. MIKE is staring at the camera while TOM and CROW
bump one another's card bags. ]
MIKE: ... the heck?
[ MOVIE SIGN starts up. ]
ALL: Aaaah! Movie sign!
TOM: I want cookies!
[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1.. ]
[ ALL enter the theater. ]
> Imagine!
TOM: Now stop imagining! Settle! Now rationalize your settling!
> Your Christmas Greeting Inside a Chinese Fortune
> Cooky!
MIKE: A `cooky'?
CROW: What a kookie idea.
>
> Your Friends will be Amazed and Delighted
TOM: You know, the way people are often amazed by fortune cookies.
> When They Open this
> Gay Attractive Package
CROW: What, in public?!
> And See Your Personalized Greeting
MIKE: Even now their eyes are rolling and they're sighing patiently
at your kookieness.
>
> Think of it!
TOM: Keep thinking of it, until you have a good idea instead.
> Just picture this scene, taking place in each of
> your friends' homes!
CROW: OK, we have a place, now, we need professions.
TOM: Dentists!
CROW: OK, a bunch of dentists at a friend's home and what are they
there for?
MIKE: Elvis impersonations!
CROW: Elvis-impersonating dentists at a friend's home, there's our
scene, let's go!
>
> Approximately one or two weeks before Christmas this year,
> your friends' doorbell rings!
TOM: Sure, like your friends even know people who *ring* doorbells.
MIKE: That doesn't even mean anything, Tom.
TOM: Er ... hush.
> There, in the hands of their postman,
CROW: It's a letter in the bag for me!
> along with the usual run of ordinary Christmas cards, is something
> completely different
TOM: It's a Christmas Belgian Waffle!
> --- a small, cardboard Christmas container, with
> their name and address on the front, but with no other
> identification!
MIKE: Immediately the bomb squad is called in.
>
> The ordinary cards are tossed aside!
TOM: The recipients panic, wrecking their home while fleeing!
> Eyes focus on this
> mysterious container as your friends slip it apart!
CROW: Your cookies are detonated at a secure facility in Utah!
> And just picture
> the expression on their faces when they draw out of that container a
> lovely Christmas Ornament Box
MIKE: A Box? Why, that's even better than being *loved*!
> --- with its brilliant red braided silk
> string to hang it on their tree
TOM: Murray, you're supposed to hang it on the Christmas tree, not
the diseased elm out back.
> --- with the year 1962 in blazing red
> numerals on its face
CROW: The moldy, rotted remains of ancient cookies on the inside.
> --- with its sides and bottom covered with gay
> white, red, yellow and brown Christmas figures
TOM: That certainly don't reflect dopey old-time casual racist
stereotypes so stop bracing for that shoe to drop.
> --- and with its top
> printed with the command, in red letters, to ``OPEN ME HERE''!
MIKE: OR SUFFER MY MIGHTY COOKIE WRATH!
> As
> your friends open that top, as they peer into the inside of that
> beautiful little Christmas box
CROW: .. as they free the unimaginable cookie spirits within ...
> --- what they see is a Chinese Fortune
> Cooky --- the eternal symbol of good luck, good fortune and long-lived
> happiness!
TOM: That were invented around 1910.
CROW: By Japanese immigrants.
MIKE: To San Francisco.
TOM: That's kind of eternal, right?
>
>
> ON YOUR TREE
MIKE: ON YOUR TREES, EVERYONE! This is *not* a cookie drill!
> --- a Gift for Every Friend and Neighbor!
CROW: For up to four friends or neighbors.
> Hang your tree with colorful ornaments that become Gay
TOM: Wouldn't a cookie drill just break?
MIKE: Huh?
> Greeting Gifts when neighbors and children drop in
> this Holiday Season.
CROW: But the holiday is Von Steuben Day.
TOM: I mean as soon as you tried drilling something with it. Cookies
are fragile.
MIKE: Thanks for being on top of that, Tom.
>
> And when they break open that Fortune Cooky, there, inside,
CROW: Is the bomb!
> individually printed on colored Christmas paper, is your personal
> greeting --- SIGNED BY YOUR OWN PRINTED NAME!
TOM: Oh, my stars.
MIKE: It's like a Christmas card, only complicated!
>
> Yes! This Christmas, you can amaze your friends and loved
> ones
MIKE: Never before had they imagined such reasons to avoid you!
> with a completely different kind of Christmas Greeting Package ---
TOM: A *box*!
> that gives them a thrilling surprise when they open it
CROW: Wait, you can *open* the box too? That changes everything!
> --- that hangs
> as an attractive ornament on their Christmas tree after they open it
MIKE: Peeling the tree open with band saw and corkscrew.
> --- that they'll pick off that tree and show with pride to their
> friends for months to come
TOM: Your friends who leave their trees up for months after Christmas.
> --- and yet, that costs you no more than a
> ordinary, good-quality Christmas Card that you buy in a store!
CROW: You know, the kinds of cards that people like.
>
> No wonder your phone will ring constantly the week before
> Christmas,
TOM: As your phone seeks revenge!
> congratulating you on this amazing Christmas greeting!
MIKE: It's so amazing, you could buy something that takes nearly
ten minutes to make from scratch!
> No
> wonder your friends will beg you to tell them where you got it!
CROW: And you'll withhold the information, cackling with glee at your
casual cruelty.
> No
> wonder they'll hang it in a place of honor on their tree --- take it
> off that tree to show to their friends.
TOM: Thereby defeating the point of hanging it on the tree.
>
> THE PERFECT GREETING FOR YOUR COMPANY OR ASSOCIATES
MIKE: ``GREETINGS, COMPANY OR ASSOCIATES!''
TOM: Perfect!
> Wish your clients, customers and business associates
> Good Fortune and Good Luck for this Holiday Season
> and the New Year.
CROW: Their lucky numbers are 24, 33, and 33, and on the back are the
Chinese words for ``headache'' and ``potato''.
>
> And how much does all this fun cost you?
TOM: Remember to add the cost of lost dignity.
>
> As you know, regular good-quality Christmas Cards usually
> cost 50c --- 75c---even $1
CROW: Two dollars!
TOM: Eighteen dollars!
MIKE: A million dollars!
> or more each!
TOM: Uphill! Both ways!
> But now, if you take
> advantage of this special offer, you can send your friends these
> personalized Chinese Fortune Cooky Christmas Packages --- complete ---
MIKE: What's an incomplete fortune cookie?
CROW: That's where they forget the little laminated bill for the buffet.
> for as little as 32c each!
TOM: That seems kind of pricey for a cookie for 1962.
>
> Yes! If you order twelve of these amazing Christmas
> Greetings,
MIKE: Twelve? Who could possibly have twelve friends at Christmastime?
> the price is only $4.98 for the complete package delivered
> to your door --- or only about 40c each!
CROW: 45 cents if you don't have a door.
> If you order twenty-five,
> then each fortune cooky greeting gift cost you only 36c each!
MIKE: If you order 36, then each costs only twenty-five cents.
> If,
> however, you order fifty or more, then the price can be lowered to
> only 32c each, or $15.95 for fifty.
TOM: They sound hesitant.
CROW: Yeah, like they're rethinking the whole cookie business model.
> This is far less than many good
> quality cards that cannot compare in the impact and joy that they will
> give your friends!
MIKE: I'd like to see a direct joy comparison on these cards.
>
> CHINESE SANTA CLAUS SAY:
TOM: Oh.
CROW: Please, no.
> ``Have Happy Thought
MIKE: Oh, dear.
> --- Give
> Greeting that is also Gift!''
TOM: That's enough, please.
>
CROW: Oh, thank goodness.
> Rush your order today to get your cooky greetings in
> ample time for Christmas mailing.
MIKE: Lest Chinese Santa Claus pop back in with more directions.
> Orders received
> after Nov. 20th will be returned.
TOM: Orders received before November 20th will be rotted out before
Christmas.
> So send coupon
> right away.
CROW: Please tell me that's not more Chinese Santa Claus.
>
>
> +----------------------------------------------------------- --------+
> | HARRISON HOME PRODUCTS CORP.,
TOM: The only home products corporation named for President William
Henry Harrison.
> DEPT. 10-DC |
MIKE: Department 10-DC, box 37, desk 4, altitude L-24.
> | 250 Passaic Street, Newark, N. J. |
CROW: Newark: where Christmas meets fortune cookies!
> | |
> | CHECK personalized greeting of your choice: |
TOM: Choose wisely. Wrong answers will be punished.
> | ___ Merry Christmas and Happy New Year |
> | Your Name Here |
MIKE: Ah, 'Your Name Here', renowned Chinese fortune cookie teller.
> | ___ Season's Greetings |
CROW: o/` In our souls ... o/`
TOM: o/` Yummy Fruity Pebbles in our bowls. o/`
MIKE: Stop, both of you.
> | Your Name Here |
MIKE: If you have no name, the name of someone you know may be
substituted.
> | |
> | I want greetings signed ................................ |
> | PRINT PLAINLY |
TOM: I want greetings signed `PLAINLY'?
CROW: Worst Mad-Lib Ever.
> | |
> | Please send me ..........
MIKE: Please send me ... [ drumroll ... ]
> Personalized Fortune Cooky |
MIKE: [ Cymbal clash. ]
CROW: Yeah, still doesn't quite work.
> | Greetings, complete with Gift Boxes and individual mailing |
> | cartons. |
TOM: Yes, but will they be mailed to you?
> | |
> | ___ Payment enclosed ....... |
CROW: They rolled it up and slipped it into a fortune cookie.
> | ___ Charge Diner's Acc't No. ......... |
MIKE: Charge! Diner's accountant? No! [ Drumroll! ]
> | |
> | ___ 12 for $4.98
TOM: 13 for $5.38!
> ___ 25 for $8.98
CROW: Six will get you eggroll!
> ___ 50 for $15.95 |
MIKE: You know, I'd kind of like a hoagie instead.
> | SAVE MORE! For each additional 25 over fifty add $7.50 |
TOM: For 25 fewer under fifty subtract $7.50, and it'll all work out.
> | |
> | NAME........................................................ . |
[ CROW, TOM, and MIKE snicker overenthusiastically through this. ]
CROW: [ to MIKE and TOM ] All right, all right, ssh, shh, shhh ...
[ to the ad ] FIRSTNAME ...
[ ALL burst out laughing at this. ]
CROW: [ to MIKE and TOM ] Be cool, be cool. [ to the ad ] ... M ...
TOM: OOoh, hoo, hooooo, the silliness!
MIKE: Sssh, you'll wreck it, Tom!
CROW: LASTNAME!
[ MIKE cackles ]
> | ADDRESS..................................................... . |
TOM: [ to CROW and MIKE ] I got this one, ssh, stop giggling ...
[ to the ad ] One Two Three ...
[ CROW cackles and then keeps giggling ]
TOM: ... 123 _MAIN STREET_!
MIKE: [ Clapping, and then to TOM and CROW ] I got this, you'll love it.
CROW: Oh, how are gonna top ...
> | CITY.................................
MIKE: ANYTOWN!
[ TOM and CROW are bowled out of their seats laughing. ]
> ZONE....
[ TOM and CROW pull themselves up just enough for this: ]
TOM: Zone? Zone is forbidden!
CROW: Take permits many.
> STATE........... |
[ TOM and CROW giggle in anticipation. ]
MIKE: [ Stoner voice ] State of Confusion, man!
[ ALL cackle and hoot at all this, and then ... ]
> | |
[ ALL stop abruptly. ]
TOM: Well. What next?
> | In Canada:
TOM: Oh. Canada.
CROW: My something something something land.
> Order from Harrison Home Products Ltd., |
MIKE: A *completely* different company.
> | 675 King St., W.,
CROW: [ As Jimmy Durante ] It's under the big St!
> Toronto, Ontario |
TOM: Wait, Toronto doesn't get zones?
MIKE: Canadians just don't get zones, man.
> +----------------------------------------------------------- --------+
>
CROW: Let's blow this popsicle stand.
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE DESK. MIKE has a tray with some fortune cookies
on top, and a paper-wrapped shoebox, and another similarly
wrapped box about twice the size. TOM and CROW are to the
side, watching this. ]
MIKE: Now, each of you has picked one fortune cookie and I'm giving
Tom here the chance to trade what's in the cookie for what's
in the little box, do you want to trade?
CROW: Take the box!
TOM: The box ... the cookie ... the box ... yeah, I'm gonna go with
the box.
MIKE: All right, and inside the box is ... [ he lifts up the shoebox,
revealing two fortune cookies inside ] Ah, another cookie!
[ CROW laughs at TOM. ]
MIKE: Now, do you want to look at the contents of the cookie, or do
you want to trade it for the modestly larger box?
TOM: I ... I ...
CROW: Keep the cookie!
TOM: All right, the cookie.
MIKE: [ Cracking it open and eating the cookie ] And inside the cookie
... 'You get the modestly larger box!'
[ CROW cackles ]
MIKE: And inside the modestly larger box is ... [ lifting it up, to
reveal another fortune cookie ] ... another cookie, with ...
[ MIKE cracks it open, eating the cookie and reading the
fortune ] ... ah! You win the original two cookies!
TOM: [ Completely baffled ] Uh ... yay?
CROW: Ah, Tom, loser-boy, you get ... uh ... wait ...
[ MIKE slides both cookies over to TOM. ]
CROW: I'm confused.
MIKE: Then we've had a good day. And if you at home are having a good
day, why not consider the new MiSTings archive lurching its way
into existence at http://www.nebusresearch.com/mst3000/ ? It's
got MiSTings, and ... uh ... quotes from MiSTings, and isn't
that plenty in these troubled times? Thank you, won't you?
[ MADS sign flashes; MIKE taps it. ]
[ DEEP 13. PEARL FORRESTER and DR FORRESTER are looking over boxes of
DEEP 13-labelled stuff which they study. ]
PEARL: You know, if we have them buy cookie dough, and set delivery ...
DR. F: Yeah, then they forget it and we can keep the money and the dough.
PEARL; [ Breaking concentration ] Is that a pun?
DR. F: No! No no no no no no no no ... no ... wait, was it?
PEARL: That was *totally* a pun. and you know what that means.
[ DR FORRESTER reluctantly turns around and walks, ashamed, to stand
in a corner. ]
DR. F: [ Calling out ] Ah, until next time, cookie puss?
PEARL: Clayton! Rules.
[ DR FORRESTER slumps sadly in his corner. ]
PEARL: Cookies. What were we thinking? It should have been pot luck.
[ She presses the button ]
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---O---
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations and
everything are the property of Best Brains, Inc, and don't think anyone
is challenging that at all. The Fortune Cooky scheme belongs to the
Harrison Home Products Corporation of Newark, New Jersey, of 1962, and
was advertised as such in the Diners' Club Magazine of October 1962.
http://blog.modernmechanix.com/2009/01/29/imagine-your-chris tmas-greeting-inside-a-chinese-fortune-cooky/
for the original including its gripping yet alarming image of Chinese
Santa Claus.
Please consider taking a look at the Still-Store site,
http://www.nebusresearch.com/mst3000/
Keep circulating the posts.
> CHINESE SANTA CLAUS SAY: ``Have Happy Thought --- Give
> Greeting that is also Gift!''
|
|
|
|
| Re: MiSTed: [ 1 / 1 ] Imagine! Your Christmas Greeting Inside A Chinese Fortune Cooky! [message #179067 is a reply to message #178797] |
Mon, 11 January 2010 19:54  |
|
|
Originally posted by: mst3kluv
On Dec 31 2009, 7:43 pm, nebu...@-rpi-.edu (Joseph Nebus) wrote:
> [ SEASON SEVEN opening credits. ]
>
> [ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
>
> [ SATELLITE OF LOVE. Desk. MIKE is reading the SATELLITE NEWS;
> CROW and TOM carrying bags slung over their shoulders enter.
> The bags are full of greeting cards. ]
>
> TOM: [ Hesitantly ] Ahem?
> CROW: [ Coughing ] Um ... uh ...
> TOM: [ Nervous, once MIKE, perhaps unwisely, looks up ] Ah, good day
> or evening sir and/or ma'am?
> CROW: [ Also as a frightened child ] And with the upcoming seasons of
> seasonal greetings with calling for celebrations of seasonal
> greetings to be given out around the holiday seasoning ....
> TOM: [ To CROW ] You're skipping, let me! [ To MIKE ] And for only
> twenty cents per card on certain deals you can have a customized
> and personal message for convenient home delivery?
> MIKE: [ Patiently putting down the newspaper ] Oh, let's see. Tom?
> Crow? Trying to build an economy on me sending cards to you,
> Crow, and Gypsy for Christmas?
> TOM: Not merely for Christmas mister and/or missus Mike but for any of
> the holidays you can send out cards for.
> MIKE: So I could send my wishes to the three of you for any holiday that
> I felt like?
> CROW: Our fine line of finely lined cards are open to many interpretative
> holiday acts.
> MIKE: Ah-huh. So you're actually getting me set for the New Jersey Big
> Sea Day, and not just, oh, running some thing where Doctor and
> Mrs Forrester get you to swipe my meager paycheck for a promise
> of delivery of cards about three months after I forget I ever
> wanted any at all?
>
> [ DEEP 13. DR FORRESTER and PEARL FORRESTER are squinting into the camera. ]
>
> DR.F: Mother, they're on to us!
> PEARL: Clayton, go deep, break left, watch for the long pass.
> [ DR FORRESTER runs to the far end of Deep 13. ]
> PEARL: All right, if we can't get you on cards ... [ She punches several
> miscellaneous buttons as DR FORRESTER prances back and forth in
> the background ] ... We'll get you *cookies*!
> DR.F: I'm open!
> [ PEARL grabs a piece of Deep 13-crusted camera gear and tosses it at
> DR FORRESTER, who catches it, knocking him over. ]
>
> [ SATELLITE OF LOVE. MIKE is staring at the camera while TOM and CROW
> bump one another's card bags. ]
>
> MIKE: ... the heck?
>
> [ MOVIE SIGN starts up. ]
>
> ALL: Aaaah! Movie sign!
> TOM: I want cookies!
>
> [ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1.. ]
>
> [ ALL enter the theater. ]
>
>> Imagine!
>
> TOM: Now stop imagining! Settle! Now rationalize your settling!
>
>> Your Christmas Greeting Inside a Chinese Fortune
>> Cooky!
>
> MIKE: A `cooky'?
> CROW: What a kookie idea.
>
>
>
>> Your Friends will be Amazed and Delighted
>
> TOM: You know, the way people are often amazed by fortune cookies.
>
>> When They Open this
>> Gay Attractive Package
>
> CROW: What, in public?!
>
>> And See Your Personalized Greeting
>
> MIKE: Even now their eyes are rolling and they're sighing patiently
> at your kookieness.
>
>
>
>> Think of it!
>
> TOM: Keep thinking of it, until you have a good idea instead.
>
>> Just picture this scene, taking place in each of
>> your friends' homes!
>
> CROW: OK, we have a place, now, we need professions.
> TOM: Dentists!
> CROW: OK, a bunch of dentists at a friend's home and what are they
> there for?
> MIKE: Elvis impersonations!
> CROW: Elvis-impersonating dentists at a friend's home, there's our
> scene, let's go!
>
>
>
>> Approximately one or two weeks before Christmas this year,
>> your friends' doorbell rings!
>
> TOM: Sure, like your friends even know people who *ring* doorbells.
> MIKE: That doesn't even mean anything, Tom.
> TOM: Er ... hush.
>
>> There, in the hands of their postman,
>
> CROW: It's a letter in the bag for me!
>
>> along with the usual run of ordinary Christmas cards, is something
>> completely different
>
> TOM: It's a Christmas Belgian Waffle!
>
>> --- a small, cardboard Christmas container, with
>> their name and address on the front, but with no other
>> identification!
>
> MIKE: Immediately the bomb squad is called in.
>
>
>
>> The ordinary cards are tossed aside!
>
> TOM: The recipients panic, wrecking their home while fleeing!
>
>> Eyes focus on this
>> mysterious container as your friends slip it apart!
>
> CROW: Your cookies are detonated at a secure facility in Utah!
>
>> And just picture
>> the expression on their faces when they draw out of that container a
>> lovely Christmas Ornament Box
>
> MIKE: A Box? Why, that's even better than being *loved*!
>
>> --- with its brilliant red braided silk
>> string to hang it on their tree
>
> TOM: Murray, you're supposed to hang it on the Christmas tree, not
> the diseased elm out back.
>
>> --- with the year 1962 in blazing red
>> numerals on its face
>
> CROW: The moldy, rotted remains of ancient cookies on the inside.
>
>> --- with its sides and bottom covered with gay
>> white, red, yellow and brown Christmas figures
>
> TOM: That certainly don't reflect dopey old-time casual racist
> stereotypes so stop bracing for that shoe to drop.
>
>> --- and with its top
>> printed with the command, in red letters, to ``OPEN ME HERE''!
>
> MIKE: OR SUFFER MY MIGHTY COOKIE WRATH!
>
>> As
>> your friends open that top, as they peer into the inside of that
>> beautiful little Christmas box
>
> CROW: .. as they free the unimaginable cookie spirits within ...
>
>> --- what they see is a Chinese Fortune
>> Cooky --- the eternal symbol of good luck, good fortune and long-lived
>> happiness!
>
> TOM: That were invented around 1910.
> CROW: By Japanese immigrants.
> MIKE: To San Francisco.
> TOM: That's kind of eternal, right?
>
>
>
>> ON YOUR TREE
>
> MIKE: ON YOUR TREES, EVERYONE! This is *not* a cookie drill!
>
>> --- a Gift for Every Friend and Neighbor!
>
> CROW: For up to four friends or neighbors.
>
>> Hang your tree with colorful ornaments that become Gay
>
> TOM: Wouldn't a cookie drill just break?
> MIKE: Huh?
>
>> Greeting Gifts when neighbors and children drop in
>> this Holiday Season.
>
> CROW: But the holiday is Von Steuben Day.
> TOM: I mean as soon as you tried drilling something with it. Cookies
> are fragile.
> MIKE: Thanks for being on top of that, Tom.
>
>
>
>> And when they break open that Fortune Cooky, there, inside,
>
> CROW: Is the bomb!
>
>> individually printed on colored Christmas paper, is your personal
>> greeting --- SIGNED BY YOUR OWN PRINTED NAME!
>
> TOM: Oh, my stars.
> MIKE: It's like a Christmas card, only complicated!
>
>
>
>> Yes! This Christmas, you can amaze your friends and loved
>> ones
>
> MIKE: Never before had they imagined such reasons to avoid you!
>
>> with a completely different kind of Christmas Greeting Package ---
>
> TOM: A *box*!
>
>> that gives them a thrilling surprise when they open it
>
> CROW: Wait, you can *open* the box too? That changes everything!
>
>> --- that hangs
>> as an attractive ornament on their Christmas tree after they open it
>
> MIKE: Peeling the tree open with band saw and corkscrew.
>
>> --- that they'll pick off that tree and show with pride to their
>> friends for months to come
>
> TOM: Your friends who leave their trees up for months after Christmas..
>
>> --- and yet, that costs you no more than a
>> ordinary, good-quality Christmas Card that you buy in a store!
>
> CROW: You know, the kinds of cards that people like.
>
>
>
>> No wonder your phone will ring constantly the week before
>> Christmas,
>
> TOM: As your phone seeks revenge!
>
>> congratulating you on this amazing Christmas greeting!
>
> MIKE: It's so amazing, you could buy something that takes nearly
> ten minutes to make from scratch!
>
>> No
>> wonder your friends will beg you to tell them where you got it!
>
> CROW: And you'll withhold the information, cackling with glee at your
> casual cruelty.
>
>> No
>> wonder they'll hang it in a place of honor on their tree --- take it
>> off that tree to show to their friends.
>
> TOM: Thereby defeating the point of hanging it on the tree.
>
>
>
>> THE PERFECT GREETING FOR YOUR COMPANY OR ASSOCIATES
>
> MIKE: ``GREETINGS, COMPANY OR ASSOCIATES!''
> TOM: Perfect!
>
>> Wish your clients, customers and business associates
>> Good Fortune and Good Luck for this Holiday Season
>> and the New Year.
>
> CROW: Their lucky numbers are 24, 33, and 33, and on the back are the
> Chinese words for ``headache'' and ``potato''.
>
>
>
>> And how much does all this fun cost you?
>
> TOM: Remember to add the cost of lost dignity.
>
>
>
>> As you know, regular good-quality Christmas Cards usually
>> cost 50c --- 75c---even $1
>
> CROW: Two dollars!
> TOM: Eighteen dollars!
> MIKE: A million dollars!
>
>> or more each!
>
> TOM: Uphill! Both ways!
>
>> But now, if you take
>> advantage of this special offer, you can send your friends these
>> personalized Chinese Fortune Cooky Christmas Packages --- complete ---
>
> MIKE: What's an incomplete fortune cookie?
> CROW: That's where they forget the little laminated bill for the buffet.
>
>> for as little as 32c each!
>
> TOM: That seems kind of pricey for a cookie for 1962.
>
>
>
>> Yes! If you order twelve of these amazing Christmas
>> Greetings,
>
> MIKE: Twelve? Who could possibly have twelve friends at Christmastime?
>
>> the price is only $4.98 for the complete package delivered
>> to your door --- or only about 40c each!
>
> CROW: 45 cents if you don't have a door.
>
>> If you order twenty-five,
>> then each fortune cooky greeting gift cost you only 36c each!
>
> MIKE: If you order 36, then each costs only twenty-five cents.
>
>> If,
>> however, you order fifty or more, then the price can be lowered to
>> only 32c each, or $15.95 for fifty.
>
> TOM: They sound hesitant.
> CROW: Yeah, like they're rethinking the whole cookie business model.
>
>> This is far less than many good
>> quality cards that cannot compare in the impact and joy that they will
>> give your friends!
>
> MIKE: I'd like to see a direct joy comparison on these cards.
>
>
>
>> CHINESE SANTA CLAUS SAY:
>
> TOM: Oh.
> CROW: Please, no.
>
>> ``Have Happy Thought
>
> MIKE: Oh, dear.
>
>> --- Give
>> Greeting that is also Gift!''
>
> TOM: That's enough, please.
>
>
>
> CROW: Oh, thank goodness.
>
>> Rush your order today to get your cooky greetings in
>> ample time for Christmas mailing.
>
> MIKE: Lest Chinese Santa Claus pop back in with more directions.
>
>> Orders received
>> after Nov. 20th will be returned.
>
> TOM: Orders received before November 20th will be rotted out before
> Christmas.
>
>> So send coupon
>> right away.
>
> CROW: Please tell me that's not more Chinese Santa Claus.
>
>
>
>> +--------------------------------------------------------- ----------+
>> | HARRISON HOME PRODUCTS CORP.,
>
> TOM: The only home products corporation named for President William
> Henry Harrison.
>
>> DEPT. 10-DC |
>
> MIKE: Department 10-DC, box 37, desk 4, altitude L-24.
>
>> | 250 Passaic Street, Newark, N. J. |
>
> CROW: Newark: where Christmas meets fortune cookies!
>
>> | |
>> | CHECK personalized greeting of your choice: |
>
> TOM: Choose wisely. Wrong answers will be punished.
>
>> | ___ Merry Christmas and Happy New Year |
>> | Your Name Here |
>
> MIKE: Ah, 'Your Name Here', renowned Chinese fortune cookie teller.
>
>> | ___ Season's Greetings |
>
> CROW: o/` In our souls ... o/`
> TOM: o/` Yummy Fruity Pebbles in our bowls. o/`
> MIKE: Stop, both of you.
>
>> | Your Name Here |
>
> MIKE: If you have no name, the name of someone you know may be
> substituted.
>
>> | |
>> | I want greetings signed ................................. |
>> | PRINT PLAINLY |
>
> TOM: I want greetings signed `PLAINLY'?
> CROW: Worst Mad-Lib Ever.
>
>> | |
>> | Please send me ..........
>
> MIKE: Please send me ... [ drumroll ... ]
>
>> Personalized Fortune Cooky |
>
> MIKE: [ Cymbal clash. ]
> CROW: Yeah, still doesn't quite work.
>
>> | Greetings, complete with Gift Boxes and individual mailing |
>> | cartons. |
>
> TOM: Yes, but will they be mailed to you?
>
>> | |
>> | ___ Payment enclosed ....... |
>
> CROW: They rolled it up and slipped it into a fortune cookie.
>
>> | ___ Charge Diner's Acc't No. ......... |
>
> MIKE: Charge! Diner's accountant? No! [ Drumroll! ]
>
>> | |
>> | ___ 12 for $4.98
>
> TOM: 13 for $5.38!
>
>> ___ 25 for $8.98
>
> CROW: Six will get you eggroll!
>
>> ___ 50 for $15.95 |
>
> MIKE: You know, I'd kind of like a hoagie instead.
>
>> | SAVE MORE! For each additional 25 over fifty add $7.50 |
>
> TOM: For 25 fewer under fifty subtract $7.50, and it'll all work out.
>
>> | |
>> | NAME...................................................... .... |
>
> [ CROW, TOM, and MIKE snicker overenthusiastically through this. ]
> CROW: [ to MIKE and TOM ] All right, all right, ssh, shh, shhh ...
> [ to the ad ] FIRSTNAME ...
> [ ALL burst out laughing at this. ]
> CROW: [ to MIKE and TOM ] Be cool, be cool. [ to the ad ] ... M ...
> TOM: OOoh, hoo, hooooo, the silliness!
> MIKE: Sssh, you'll wreck it, Tom!
> CROW: LASTNAME!
> [ MIKE cackles ]
>
>> | ADDRESS................................................... .... |
>
> TOM: [ to CROW and MIKE ] I got this one, ssh, stop giggling ...
> [ to the ad ] One Two Three ...
> [ CROW cackles and then keeps giggling ]
> TOM: ... 123 _MAIN STREET_!
> MIKE: [ Clapping, and then to TOM and CROW ] I got this, you'll love it.
> CROW: Oh, how are gonna top ...
>
>> | CITY.................................
>
> MIKE: ANYTOWN!
> [ TOM and CROW are bowled out of their seats laughing. ]
>
>> ZONE....
>
> [ TOM and CROW pull themselves up just enough for this: ]
>
> TOM: Zone? Zone is forbidden!
> CROW: Take permits many.
>
>> STATE........... |
>
> [ TOM and CROW giggle in anticipation. ]
> MIKE: [ Stoner voice ] State of Confusion, man!
> [ ALL cackle and hoot at all this, and then ... ]
>
>> | |
>
> [ ALL stop abruptly. ]
>
> TOM: Well. What next?
>
>> | In Canada:
>
> TOM: Oh. Canada.
> CROW: My something something something land.
>
>> Order from Harrison Home Products Ltd., |
>
> MIKE: A *completely* different company.
>
>> | 675 King St., W.,
>
> CROW: [ As Jimmy Durante ] It's under the big St!
>
>> Toronto, Ontario |
>
> TOM: Wait, Toronto doesn't get zones?
> MIKE: Canadians just don't get zones, man.
>
>> +--------------------------------------------------------- ----------+
>
> CROW: Let's blow this popsicle stand.
>
> [ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]
>
> [ SATELLITE OF LOVE DESK. MIKE has a tray with some fortune cookies
> on top, and a paper-wrapped shoebox, and another similarly
> wrapped box about twice the size. TOM and CROW are to the
> side, watching this. ]
>
> MIKE: Now, each of you has picked one fortune cookie and I'm giving
> Tom here the chance to trade what's in the cookie for what's
> in the little box, do you want to trade?
> CROW: Take the box!
> TOM: The box ... the cookie ... the box ... yeah, I'm gonna go with
> the box.
> MIKE: All right, and inside the box is ... [ he lifts up the shoebox,
> revealing two fortune cookies inside ] Ah, another cookie!
> [ CROW laughs at TOM. ]
> MIKE: Now, do you want to look at the contents of the cookie, or do
> you want to trade it for the modestly larger box?
> TOM: I ... I ...
> CROW: Keep the cookie!
> TOM: All right, the cookie.
> MIKE: [ Cracking it open and eating the cookie ] And inside the cookie
> ... 'You get the modestly larger box!'
> [ CROW cackles ]
> MIKE: And inside the modestly larger box is ... [ lifting it up, to
> reveal another fortune cookie ] ... another cookie, with ....
> [ MIKE cracks it open, eating the cookie and reading the
> fortune ] ... ah! You win the original two cookies!
> TOM: [ Completely baffled ] Uh ... yay?
> CROW: Ah, Tom, loser-boy, you get ... uh ... wait ...
> [ MIKE slides both cookies over to TOM. ]
> CROW: I'm confused.
> MIKE: Then we've had a good day. And if you at home are having a good
> day, why not consider the new MiSTings archive lurching its way
> into existence athttp://www.nebusresearch.com/mst3000/? It's
> got MiSTings, and ... uh ... quotes from MiSTings, and isn't
> that plenty in these troubled times? Thank you, won't you?
>
> [ MADS sign flashes; MIKE taps it. ]
>
> [ DEEP 13. PEARL FORRESTER and DR FORRESTER are looking over boxes of
> DEEP 13-labelled stuff which they study. ]
>
> PEARL: You know, if we have them buy cookie dough, and set delivery ...
> DR. F: Yeah, then they forget it and we can keep the money and the dough.
> PEARL; [ Breaking concentration ] Is that a pun?
> DR. F: No! No no no no no no no no ... no ... wait, was it?
> PEARL: That was *totally* a pun. and you know what that means.
> [ DR FORRESTER reluctantly turns around and walks, ashamed, to stand
> in a corner. ]
> DR. F: [ Calling out ] Ah, until next time, cookie puss?
> PEARL: Clayton! Rules.
> [ DR FORRESTER slumps sadly in his corner. ]
> PEARL: Cookies. What were we thinking? It should have been pot luck..
> [ She presses the button ]
>
> \ | /
> \ | /
> \|/
> ---O---
> /|\
> / | \
> / | \
>
> Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations and
> everything are the property of Best Brains, Inc, and don't think anyone
> is challenging that at all. The Fortune Cooky scheme belongs to the
> Harrison Home Products Corporation of Newark, New Jersey, of 1962, and
> was advertised as such in the Diners' Club Magazine of October 1962.http://blog.modernmechanix.com/2009/01/29/imagine-your- christmas-gree...
> for the original including its gripping yet alarming image of Chinese
> Santa Claus.
>
> Please consider taking a look at the Still-Store site,
> http://www.nebusresearch.com/mst3000/
>
> Keep circulating the posts.
>
>> CHINESE SANTA CLAUS SAY: ``Have Happy Thought --- Give
>> Greeting that is also Gift!''
Hi, do you know if you'll be adding anymore MSTings to your site?
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