| Preview of MSTing [message #174774] |
Tue, 05 May 2009 15:17  |
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Originally posted by: mst3kluv
Hey, this my first MSTIng and even though it's not complete yet, I
would like some feedback on it so far,
DUFFMAN
Original post by BigBumblebeeManFan
<A fine Mahok to you all.
SERVO: Mahok? Sounds like a really bad Sci-fi movie phrase.
CROW: Maybe it’s a word of another language used by some remote island
colony.
<Duff Man may be no house hold name.
MIKE: They tried marketing Duffman action figures with the Kleenex and
the Aspirin, but it just didn’t seem to go over well with the general
public.
<But his philosophy makes me laugh evrytime.
SERVO(philosopher): Only by referring to yourself in third person and
saying “Oh Yeah” at the end of every sentence, can you achieve true
enlightenment.
<These are some good ones:
<Duffman: Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem! Oh,
yeah!
CROW: (ala Radar Secret Service), We can solve any problems by
THRUSTING!
<Duffman: Are you ready to get DUFFED?
<(I think getting Duffed sounds horrible)
MIKE: I got Duffed once. From what I can remember, it involves a
plastic shovel, a volleyball net and a chicken.
BOTS: Huh?
<I think Simpsons neglected Duff Mans abilities.
<His powers.
SERVO: For crying out loud!! He’s just a freaking spokesman for Duff
Beer!! Since when did he have “powers”!!
CROW: I think Ratliff and this guy would get along well together.
SERVO, MIKE: How so?
CROW: Well, they both seem to elevate obscure-bit characters to God-
like status.
<He's now some boring drunk.
SERVO: Well actually, that’s not true. The only time he remotely
matched that description was when Santa’s Little Helper replaced him
as the spokesman for Duff Beer, and even then, he was helping the
homeless.
MIKE,CROW: FAANBOY!
<I want to make the Simpsons star Duff Man in a new episode. I will
think of
<fantastic Duff Man lines and show them to people.
CROW(dully): Whee.
<Has anyone thought of any funny Duff Man lines?
<Mine will ultimately be better.
SERVO: Quite, a conceited fellow, isn’t he?
CROW: ( as BumbleBeeManFan): Of, course it doesn’t matter what YOU
come up with, It’ll all be worthless! Your so called knowledge of
Duffman doesn’t compare to mine!! I know all that is Duffman!! Bow
before me, mortals!!
MIKE: (random member) Okay, if you know all that is Duffman, than why
is your username BigBumbleBeeManFan?
CROW:(BumbleBeeManFan) SILENCE!!!
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| Re: Preview of MSTing [message #174777 is a reply to message #174774] |
Thu, 07 May 2009 16:33  |
nebusj-
Messages: 623
Registered: September 2012
Karma: 0
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Senior Member |
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mst3kluv <liviat@shaw.ca> writes:
> Hey, this my first MSTIng and even though it's not complete yet, I
> would like some feedback on it so far,
Well, now, if you're sure that you do ... but thank you, first,
for posting. I do like having fresh MiSTings to read.
> DUFFMAN
> Original post by BigBumblebeeManFan
> <A fine Mahok to you all.
> SERVO: Mahok? Sounds like a really bad Sci-fi movie phrase.
> CROW: Maybe it=92s a word of another language used by some remote island
> colony.
OK. Little typographical thing: I'm more accustomed to the
original text being preceded with the greater-than sign >, since that's
the default on Usenet. < isn't actually wrong, but it does throw me
off at least.
I think you've gotten off to a decent start; the thing that I'd
think most likely to improve things is, well, editing. It's very easy
starting out --- I did it too --- to over-write jokes and toss back
more and longer riffs than the subject supports. That the Brains would
occasionally get into long or running comments makes it more tempting.
But the key there is occasionally; when all the riffs are several lines
long the whole gets to be sluggish.
For example, in the first riff there, I think Servo's got the
stronger joke. Were I writing or editing it, I'd cut Crow's as the
less punchy of the two. (I'd probably also trim Servo's line down to
'Mahok? Sounds like a bad Sci-Fi Channel movie.')
> <Duff Man may be no house hold name.
> MIKE: They tried marketing Duffman action figures with the Kleenex and
> the Aspirin, but it just didn=92t seem to go over well with the general
> public.
And, similarly, I'd trim that by cutting 'seem to' and 'with the
general public' --- the 'seem to' doesn't add an important qualifier to
the rest of the sentence, and who they were selling to is, here,
redundant.
I don't want to sound as though I'm telling you to write like me.
I just mean to encourage cutting out the words that aren't needed, which
typically strengthens the joke.
> <Duffman: Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem! Oh,
> yeah!
> CROW: (ala Radar Secret Service), We can solve any problems by
> THRUSTING!
I think this is a suitable use of a callback from the show.
> <I think Simpsons neglected Duff Mans abilities.
> <His powers.
> SERVO: For crying out loud!! He=92s just a freaking spokesman for Duff
> Beer!! Since when did he have =93powers=94!!
> CROW: I think Ratliff and this guy would get along well together.
> SERVO, MIKE: How so?
> CROW: Well, they both seem to elevate obscure-bit characters to God-
> like status.
> <He's now some boring drunk.
> SERVO: Well actually, that=92s not true. The only time he remotely
> matched that description was when Santa=92s Little Helper replaced him
> as the spokesman for Duff Beer, and even then, he was helping the
> homeless.
> MIKE,CROW: FAANBOY!
That's a patch that looks to me over-written --- a lot of
commentary for a little bit of source material, for one, and quite a
bit of time given to a side conversation in the first; in the second,
taking the time to explain details of one particular Simpsons episode
and correcting impressions of a character ... well, it does come off
as fanboyish. If you could top Tom's correction with a solid punch
line then it'd be good as the setup for a joke, but just decrying his
correction as 'FAANBOY!' isn't much of a quip.
> <Mine will ultimately be better.
> SERVO: Quite, a conceited fellow, isn=92t he?
> CROW: ( as BumbleBeeManFan): Of, course it doesn=92t matter what YOU
> come up with, It=92ll all be worthless! Your so called knowledge of
> Duffman doesn=92t compare to mine!! I know all that is Duffman!! Bow
> before me, mortals!!
I think Crow's got the stronger response here, and Servo's is
not particularly needed. We the audience are used enough to the Brains
impersonating one of the people-on-screen, and the conceited feel of
the original ranting is plain enough, I don't think you need to have
the transition between source material and impersonation.
> MIKE: (random member) Okay, if you know all that is Duffman, than why
> is your username BigBumbleBeeManFan?
> CROW:(BumbleBeeManFan) SILENCE!!!
There you go. That's a good little side conversation, with a
more natural slipping into impersonation.
Again, I don't want to be ordering you to write just like I would
write. I'm trying to pass on things that I learned the hard way which I
think make for a better MiSTing. Thank you for putting up the preview.
--
Joseph Nebus
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