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MiSTed: Eating For Death [ 0 / 1 ] [message #307033] Thu, 31 December 2015 01:59 Go to next message
nebusj- is currently offline  nebusj-
Messages: 623
Registered: September 2012
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Senior Member
[ START. The Brains are in the theater. ]

>
> Eating for Death

TOM: My favorite _Columbo_ episode! Patrick McGoohan plays this world-famous chef being blackmailed and ...


>
> By Bernarr Macfadden

CROW: Um ...
TOM: Yeah, exactly which parts of that name are spelled wrong?

>
> _Physical Culture_, March 1922

MIKE: I forgot to renew my subscription!

>
> THE crime of the age is meal eating timewithout
> appetite.

CROW: Also that Sacco and Vanzetti thing. But mostly eating.
TOM: Snacking is the misdemeanor of the age!

>
> It is the direct cause of more suffering,
> weakness and disease than any other evil.

CROW: Even more than not appreciating your parents?

>
> It poisons the life stream at its very source.

TOM: Its Snackables!

>
> ``The blood is the life.''

MIKE: The spice is the life?
TOM: The blood is spiced?

> The quality of this
> liquid determines vital activity throughout every part of
> the body.

CROW: I think Bernarr Macfadden grossly underestimates the importance of acetylcholinesterase.
MIKE: You're *always* accusing people of underestimating the importance of acetylcholinesterase.
CROW: I just think it's very important is all.

>
> You can be a palpitating force, a veritable human
> dynamo,

TOM: You can be a large turtle-like artificial intelligence!
CROW: You can be a leading importer of cheese to Denmark!
MIKE: You can be several key innovations in the history of Timothy hay!

> or you can be a half-alive mass of human
flesh >not unlike the jelly-fish.

CROW: Jellyfish are made of human flesh?
TOM: Ew ew ew ew ew ew *ew*.

> It is the quality of
> your blood that determines entirely to which class you
> belong.

CROW: Is this gonna be one of those stories where Bernarr Macfadden finds out his blood was replaced with a high-grade polymer and suddenly nobody will talk to him anymore?

>
> Eating without appetite means devitalized blood.

MIKE: Or that you're putting more melted cheese on everything.

> The stomach is not ready to digest food at such times.

TOM: It's off wandering around, taking in museums, reading good books, and then you throw a big slab of bean-and-cheese burrito at it.

>
> It appetite is a strong craving food for

CROW: A lesser craving for pottery shards.

> which
> definitely indicates that the stomach is ready for
> digestion.

TOM: Why not just wait for the stomach to call?
CROW: Yeah, like, 'Hey, stomach here. I'm raring to digest!'

> The food eaten is then keenly enjoyed.

MIKE: Well, it is like 2016.
TOM: So?
MIKE: So who calls for *that*? That's more like a tweet or a text message or something.
CROW: Excuse *us* for maintaining some dignified propriety, Mike.

>
> The pleasure in eating serves a very valuable
> purpose.

MIKE: It gives us a reason to go eat a second time, sometime.

> It not only causes an unusual activity of the
> salivary glands, but also of the glands of the stomach.

TOM: Glands! Is your stomach going through puberty?
CROW: It's so awkward to have esophageal zits.

> So that when the food arrives in this organ, digestion
> and assimilation progress rapidly and satisfactorily.

MIKE: Though not without some sarcasm.

>
> Now when you eat without appetite, these
> invaluable functional processes are inactive or entirely
> absent

TOM: They take one sabbatical year and everything comes crashing down!

> and the food can do nothing but lie like lead in
> the stomach.

MIKE: Stop eating lead! There's your problem.

>
> You say it won't digest.

TOM: *You* say it won't digest. We're just nibbling some here.

> Why should it? No
> self-respecting stomach will allow itself to be outraged
> in this manner, without protest.

MIKE: My stomach's wracked with depression and low self-esteem though.
CROW: Well, so you can eat any old time.
MIKE: Which ... fits.

>
> Eat at meal time if you are hungry, but if the
> food has no taste respect the mandates of your stomach

MIKE: And sprinkle on the MSG powder.

> and wait until the next meal or until your appetite
> appears, even if it takes several meals or several days.

TOM: If you never eat again, then you may be losing weight.

>
> The ``eat-to-keep-up-your-strength'' idea that
> has been advocated for generations by allopathic
> physicians,

CROW: *And* Popeye!
MIKE: Gotta respect Popeye on strength.

> has sent, literally, millions of people to
> premature graves.

TOM: Underneath a giant avalanche of casseroles and loaves of bread!

>
> Even a person in good health can miss one meal or
> fifty meals, for that matter, without serious results.

CROW: Fifty meals! You'd be spending your whole day eating at that rate.
TOM: You know you miss all the meals you don't eat.

> But abstinence of some sort is absolutely essential if
> appetite is missing; and is especially necessary in many
> illnesses.

MIKE: Like chronic mouthlessness.
TOM: McWhirtle's Indigestibility Fever.
CROW: Temporarily made of cardboard; can't take liquids.

>
> There is no sauce better than hunger;

CROW: Except bleu cheese salad dressing.

> and there
> can be no health of a superior sort, unless food is eaten
> with enjoyment.

MIKE: Wait, so now enjoyment is a sauce?
CROW: *Yes*, and it's made of bleu cheese.

>
> When you eat a meal with what is known as a
> ``coming appetite''

TOM: My appetite went upstairs and it can't find the way back.
CROW: ``The stairs are past the third door!''
MIKE: ``I can't find the door!''
CROW: ``Are you in a room or in the hall?''
MIKE: ``I ... don't know?''

> you are often treading on dangerous
> ground. This ``coming appetite'' is often due to
> overstimulation of nerves

MIKE: By the penetrating electropasta needles.

> rather than to natural bodily
> demand, and is, therefore, frequently of the voracious
> character. It compels you to overeat.

TOM: To be fair, ordering a box of Hypnofood didn't help.

> You are not
> satisfied until you eat so much you cannot hold any more.

CROW: Eat until fingers don't work. Got it.

>
> At such times a fast is often necessary. But if
> you cannot do that it is absolutely essential that the
> meals should be very light,

TOM: Chew on a balloon, or possibly a bulb of some kind.
MIKE: Any method of general illumination will do.

> if you desire to avoid
> illness that might be serious in character.

CROW: Try illnesses that are lighthearted in character, such as clown flu and the a deficiency in vitamin giggle.

>
> Three square meals a day will send any one to an
> early grave.

TOM: Diversify your meal with triangles and ellipsoids.

> You may be able to follow a regime of this
> sort in growing years, but when full maturity arrives
> look out for trouble if you persist in this habit.

MIKE: In your fallow years just sit in the middle of a room not eating and waiting for death to overcome you.

>
> Three light meals or two medium heavy meals daily
> will prolong your life and increase your efficiency
> mentally and physically.

CROW: Four times a day grab an open-faced sandwich.
TOM: Six times a day, just gnaw on the kitchen counter.
MIKE: When feeling restless, lick an oven door.

>
> I eat but one hearty meal a day, and that is
> preferably taken at noon, though sometimes it is eaten in
> the evening. Occasionally I eat a light meal in the
> morning or evening,

MIKE: Thursdays I spend passed out in a bathtub full of potato salad.

> if I have a craving for food, though
> these light meals frequently consist of fruit alone or
> nuts and fruit with a warm or hot drink.

TOM: Occasionally I rub a slice of lettuce against one cheek.

>
> But the main point that I want to emphasize is

CROW: Food is a good idea but it will never be made practical.

> the necessity of avoiding the habit of eating by the
clock >without appetite.

TOM: Wait until your clock cries and then feed it all it needs.

>
> Wait for a definite feeling of hunger. Let your
> stomach dictate your eating habits.

MIKE: And leave me some of the garlic-stuffed olives, people.

>
> http://blog.modernmechanix.com/eating-for-death/

CROW: I had death for lunch, can't we have joi de vivre for supper?
MIKE: Who wants a bowl of hot, buttered MURDER?
TOM: And with that, everybody, good night and be merry!
MIKE: Happy.
TOM: Whichever.
CROW: Night, folks.


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Disclaimer: Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations and premise and all that, are the property of ... uh ... I was going to say Best Brains, but I guess it's Shout! Factory and Consolidated Puppets? Or something? I'm not positive. Well, it's theirs, and I'm just using it as long as they don't notice. Bernarr Macfadden's ``Eating For Death'' appeared in the _Physical Culture_ magazine from March 1922 and I believe it to be in the public domain. I ran across it from the Modern Mechanix blog linked above, and it's a crying shame that's gone defunct because it was so much fascinating reading. Supporting Snorks: Sad Wikipedia sub-section, or saddest Wikipdia sub-section?


> You can be a palpitating force, a veritable human
> dynamo, or you can be a half-alive mass of human
flesh >not unlike the jelly-fish.









--
Joseph Nebus
Math: Reading the Comics: Seeing Out The Year Edition http://wp.me/p1RYhY-UR
Humor: My Poor Wrist http://wp.me/p37lb5-16I
--------------------------------------------------------+--- ------------------
Re: MiSTed: Eating For Death [ 0 / 1 ] [message #307699 is a reply to message #307033] Wed, 06 January 2016 18:05 Go to previous message
eichlerSPAMBGONE2 is currently offline  eichlerSPAMBGONE2
Messages: 26
Registered: November 2012
Karma: 0
Junior Member
On Thu, 31 Dec 2015 06:59:56 +0000 (UTC), nebusj-@-rpi-.edu (Joseph
Nebus) wrote:

>> _Physical Culture_, March 1922
>>
>> THE crime of the age is meal eating timewithout
>> appetite.

I guess the use of mustard gas in WWI came in second.

Nice job with the MSTing. In particular:

>> if you desire to avoid
>> illness that might be serious in character.
>
> CROW: Try illnesses that are lighthearted in character,
> such as clown flu

"Clown flu" got a pretty good snort of laughter out of me.

-- Bob "Bice" Eichler, still lurking around these parts
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