| [MSTing] Unbreak My Spark - Part 1 [message #19088] |
Thu, 04 October 2012 22:53 |
Freezer
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MIKE NELSON: And we are back with another text-only version of
Rifftrax - "Rifftext", if you will. Joining me as always are Kevin
Murphy...
KEVIN MURPHY: This isn't "Fifty Shades of Gray" is it?
MIKE: And Bill Corbett.
BILL CORBETT: So what fresh internet hell do we have today?
MIKE: Well today we have "Unbreak My Spark" by Vampirerex1. The
summary is as follows: "Roxanne is a vampire...but she's not your
usual vampire, she's one who can eat normal food and walk in the
sunlight. So what happens when she falls for a certain mech? Will he
love her back, and will she be able to save him from his fate?"
[pause] Huh.
KEVIN: Well, good luck with this guys. I gotta go iron my lunch.
MIKE: Sit down, Kevin. You too, Bill.
BILL: As long as she doesn't sparkle, I can deal.
> Chapter 1: Roxie and Will.
BILL : o/~ Little ditty 'bout Roxie and Will.o/~ Um... o/~ Something
something something George Will! o/~
> The day was dark;
KEVIN: It was a dark and stormy day...
> grey clouds littered the sky, promising rain. A young woman was
> walking down the street of Mission City, her heels clicking against
> the pavement as she walked. She was tall-sih, about 5ft 7in (With
> the heels)
MIKE : So "high side of normal" equals "tall?"
BILL: "Tall-ish."
MIKE: So I'm assuming this takes place in Japan, then?
> and her perfect black hair blew lightly with the slight wind.
BILL : Her Revlon "Catch The Wind Dramatically" mousse was working
perfectly.
> She was dressed in skinny jeans that hugged her curves, a dark top
> that showed a little cleavage, but went right down her arms. On her
> porclain right hand, on the ring finger, was a chunky ring that
> looked like a little sun.
MIKE : And the first few sentences of the story are dedicated to a
badly-spelled description of someone who's name we don't actually
know yet. This does not bode well.
> If inspected closely, you could clearly see the words in Latin
> saying, *Domina Noctis* on one side and on the other side it said,
> also in latin, *Praesidio in lucem diei*.
KEVIN: Yeah, well "Adepto in per is, mulier!"
> Her hypnotising blue eyes were almost sparkling in the dim light,
> her eyes were dusted in a slight shade of violet, her lips were
> painted in a blood red colour and her high cheek bones were dusted
> in a slight pink.
BILL : Her delicate eyebrows were perfectly arched. Her socks were
pearly white with a hint of wear grime. And her underwear...
> All in all, she was a beautiful woman.
All : [Bored] Of course she was.
> Now, this young lady was aware that she was being followed by a man
> in a black GMC Topkick. Personally, she loved those heavy duty
> vehicles, it gave her a jolt of arousal whenever she saw one.
MIKE: Today on Maury: SUVs and the women who love them!
> As she were walking, she tried to ignore the rumbling of the engine
> behind her.
KEVIN: As she desperately sought out a bathroom so she could take
care of that "arousal."
MIKE: That's a little crude, isn't it?
KEVIN: Not going anywhere the text isn't pointing towards.
MIKE: Point.
> However, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't ignore the
> sound and the feeling being followed. She turned around and watched
> as the truck approached her and a familiar man got out.
ALL: MIKE ROWE?!
> "William" she said.
>
> She had a slight scottish accent and when she smiled, she showed a
> mouth full of perfect teeth.
BILL: Her breath smelled of lavender, her toungue a perfect shade of
pink. And her uvula...
> She walked over to Will and pulled him into a hug. He hugged her
> back and smiled back at her.
>
> "How are you Roxie?" He asked.
>
> Roxie nodded and shrugged.
MIKE: [Roxie] Yeah, I guess.
KEVIN: So she's a Dadaist goth, then?
> "I'm al'ight, I've been better. How're ye?" She asked.
KEVIN: Right - a Scottish Dadaist goth.
> Will nodded and pulled her over to the truck. She willingly walked
> over to it and went around the back to rub against the tailgate.
BILL: [William] Look, I know chicks love the truck but they usually
don't do it literally!
> "Oh how I love these trucks" she said.
>
> Will laughed and opened the door.
>
> "Wanna take him for a spin?" He asked.
>
> Roxie looked at Will.
MIKE: [Will] No, you do not get to mount the gearshift.
BILL: [Roxie] Aww...
> "This truck's a guy?" She asked.
>
> Will nodded.
>
> "What? You think, that with an ass like that, that this truck was a
> gal?" He asked.
KEVIN: Does that make her a lesbian robo-sexual?
MIKE: I don't think 4chan has a name for what she is yet.
> Roxie shook her head. He was right, with an ass like that, and
> muscles like that, there was no way this truck was a gal.
>
> "Nah...so, I can take him for a spin?" She asked.
>
> Will nodded and allowed Roxanne to get in, before closing the door
> and tapping on the hood.
>
> "Take it easy on her" he said.
BILL: [as KITT] Sure thing, Michael.
> Roxanne started the engine and pressed her foot on the gas. The
> truck moved forwards and she smiled. She began to drive it around
> the block.
KEVIN: THRILL as Roxie RE-TAKES HER DRIVER'S TEST!
> "Wow...you handle easy for a guy truck...if only human guys were
> the same...so much to handle...so demanding" she said.
MIKE: [Roxie] So ignorable, so abusable, so tradeable.
BILL: We're *supposed* to think this woman has deep deep mental
issues, right?
> She didn't know why she was talking to the truck...but she sensed
> something about it. Something that wasn't quite normal...
KEVIN: Maybe because all the radio presets were in binary?
> she got around the block and then took it to a nearby park where no
> one was at. She got out.
MIKE: Then, overcome with lust, she started humping the trailer
hitch.
BILL: Now who's being crude?
MIKE: I admit defeat on that score.
> "Alright...come on...out with it. Who, or rather what are you?" She
> asked.
KEVIN: The truck responded by spawning an energy cannon and blasting
her into a scorch mark.
> The truck stayed still and didn't move a muscle.
MIKE: Does she honestly think she can stare down a truck?
BILL: Again: Deep DEEP mental issues.
> Roxanne walked up to it and then looked around it, her eyes
> stopping on the tailgate, where her perfect vision picked up the
> mask imprinted on there.
KEVIN: She then connected to Intersect to find out what it meant.
> She then walked back around to the drivers side door and got in.
>
> "Fine, you won't tell me, I'll talk to Will" she said.
MIKE: Ten minutes later, after Will finally recovered from his
laughing fit...
> Now, Will knew what she was, but hadn't told anyone about it...and
> for that she was glad, she couldn't have her secret getting out.
> People would be out to stake her or in the old folklaw of Vampires,
> burn her on a bonfire.
BILL: So she's a Scottish Goth robosexual lesbian vampire? Lovely.
MIKE: Pretty sure that's an instant win on a Mary Sue Bingo card.
KEVIN: Nah - she'd need to be an Airbender or a Time Lord as well for
an instant win.
> ******TF******
[All sing the 80s Transformers scene change tune]
> When Roxanne got back to where Will was, she got out and gave him a
> look. Will looked anywhere but her eyes.
BILL: So she grabbed him by the scruff of th neck and shook him like
a rotweiler on a teacup poodle.
> "Who...or what is he?" She asked.
KEVIN: "Something you wished you could bang"; didn't we already cover
that?
> She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him. He shrugged
> and reached for the door handle, but Roxie got in the way.
MIKE: The truck then transformed and swatted her into the next zip
code, right?
> "I don't know what you're talking about" he said.
>
> Roxie rolled her eyes and gave him another penetrating look, almost
> as if she was trying to read his mind...Will didn't know that she
> couldn't.
BILL: He mentally dialed up "Two Girls, One Cup" just to make sure.
> "Don't give me that BS Will, my senses are tingling...
KEVIN: [Roxie] Along with...
MIKE: Enough!
> this truck...isn't a truck" she said.
>
> Will sighed and looked her in the eyes this time, before motioning
> to the door.
BILL: [Will] He's actually a millenia-old shape-shifting robot
warrior from another galaxy.
MIKE: [Roxie] Look; if you don't want to tell me, don't make crap up!
> "You're gonna need to come with me" he said.
>
> Roxie nodded and walked at human speed around to the passanger side
> of the truck. She then got in...Will drove off.
KEVIN: THRILL as our protagonists DRIVE OFF SOMEWHERE!
> "So...you gonna tell me when we get wherever we're going, or you
> gonna tell me on the way?" She asked.
Will looked at her and chuckled.
> "I'll tell you when we get there" he said.
>
> Roxie put her head in her hands.
>
> "Is it bad?" She asked.
MIKE: It's pretty bad so far, but I'll withhold judgement until...
Oh, you were talking to him! Sorry!
> Will laughed, but kept his eyes on the road...not that he needed
> too, but he needed to make it look like he was driving. Roxie
> looked up at him and raised an eyebrow.
>
> "Well lets just say...it's good you can't have a heart attack" he
> said.
>
> Roxie groaned and put her head in her hands again.
BILL: [Roxie] Oh my god; what have I gotten myself into?
> ******TF******
[All sing the 80s Transformers scene change]
> A/N: Alright people. I've seen that there aren't very many
> Ironhide/OC stories out there,
ALL: For a reason!
> so I decided to make one.
MIKE: With a vampire...
BILL: If you're gonna go crazy, might as well go full-on batshit
crazy!
> Before any people call Roxie a Mary-sue,
ALL: Too late!
> she is a vampire, and Vampires are perfect at almost everything.
KEVIN: Not exactly helping the "Not a Mary Sue" argument.
> However, Roxie will have some weaknesses, and some things she isn't
> perfect in.
MIKE: Place your bets on which cliche flaw it's going to be: I'm
taking "accident prone."
BILL: "Too passionate" for me.
KEVIN: "Can't sing": that way she gets to be ironically dismissive of
any music she doesn't like.
MIKE: Ooh good one! Disembaudio; you want in on this?
DISEMBAUDIO: Mmm... Put me down for "Thinks she's ugly."
MIKE: A classic!
> Oh...and this is my first one guys...so please be nice?
ALL: Uh... No.
> Vampyrex1
>
> *Domina Noctis - Lady of the night
> Praesidio in lucem diei - protected from the light of day*
KEVIN: "Eat me", which means "eat me."
> Chapter 2: Autobots
ALL: TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!
> Roxie looked up at Will.
>
> "Ye just 'ad ta say that din'eh ye?" She asked.
MIKE: And she goes right into Fishwife Mode.
KEVIN: [Roxie] Ooh, me accent's slippin'!
> Will smiled and nodded. Technically, it was true, since her heart
> didn't beat anymore, she technically couldn't have a heart attack.
BILL: That's nice. Stop explaining the joke, now.
> "So...how long?" She asked.
>
> Will looked at her.
KEVIN: [Will] That's a rather personal question! But if you really
want to know...
MIKE: [Roxie] Stop!
> "A few years...you didn't notice the goings on in Mission City or
> in Egypt?" He asked.
>
> Roxie shook her head. Even though she was a vampire, she didn't
> like to get into the paranormal things...people may start asking
> questions...and that wouldn't be good.
MIKE: So "Ignorance as a survival strategy?"
> "Nope...don't tend to get caught up in that sort of shit" she said.
KEVIN: "That sort of shit" that the rest of the world already knows
about at this point?
BILL: She takes her vow of ignorance seriously!
> Will chuckled and continued to watch where he was going...he at
> least needed to act like he was driving, he couldn't exactly tell
> Roxie what Ironhide was here could he?
MIKE: Sure you can! Worst case scenario: she maintains her ignorance
by leaping out of the moving truck.
KEVIN: Works for me!
> ******TF******
ALL: [Transformers Scene Change Tune]
> About 20 minutes later, Roxie and Will arrived in a secluded field
> and they both got out of Ironhide. Roxie walked up to Will and
> lifted her eyebrow.
KEVIN: Spock eybrow or Belushi eybrow? Details, story, details!
> "Roxanne Jones...I'd like you to meet...Ironhide" Will said.
BILL: [Will] Ironhide... Cliche Pile, Daaa-I mean...
> Ironhide transformed and Roxie watched him with fascination...she
> waited until he had fully transformed and came down to her level
> before she spoke.
MIKE: [Roxie] You look like an Erector set from hell!
> "Ye kept this from me? William Lennox, I am so disappointed in
> ye...ye decided ta leave out a wee detail on what ye were doin'
> sneaking around all the time...and here I find the answer to my wee
> question...so...what are ye?" She asked.
KEVIN: Please don't tell me the author considers Roxie's accent one
of her "flaws."
MIKE: Think we're all in for some disappointment on that score.
> Ironhide looked over at Will and then back at Roxie.
BILL: [Ironhide] I thought you guys sparkled now.
> "I think it would be best if Optimus explained this" he said.
>
> Will nodded.
MIKE: "Big robots from space fighting big, evil robots from space."
Why would she need to know more than that?
> "Yeah...he does tend to have the ability to make people calm...er"
> he said.
KEVIN: Yes, she should be less freaked out by the big transforming
robot after she's talked to the BIGGEST transforming robot.
ALL: LOGIC!
> Roxie chuckled.
>
> "So, there're more of ye then?" She asked.
>
> Will chuckled.
BILL: Then Ironhide chuckled. Then Will's iPod (also a Transformer)
started chuckling.
MIKE: Chuckling: When you can't shoehorn in a smirk.
> "Yeah, you didn't think Ironhide was the only one did you?" He
> asked.
MIKE: [Roxie] Since we've already established that I didn't know what
the hell he was in the first place, why the hell would I think
there's more than one?
> Roxie shook her head.
KEVIN: Shaking loose several cobwebs and two live mice.
> "Nah...I'd like ta meet 'em though" she said.
>
> Will nodded and Ironhide transformed. Both Will and Roxie got into
> Ironhide and drove off.
>
> ******TF******
ALL: [Transformers Scene Change Tune]
KEVIN: Think we might be overdoing that joke?
MIKE: Nope!
> Meanwhile; a young man was sat in a warehouse, with a couple of
> friends. He had black hair, and his eyes almost glittered in the
> dim light. They were sharpening pieces of wood into stakes.
BILL: Blade 4: Jersey Shore!
> "Man, why we gotta do this?" One of the guys asked.
MIKE: Because hitting vamps with unsharpened stakes tends to be the
opposite of successful?
> The young man looked at him and then went over to him. His face was
> pale and his neck had dried blood on and two puncture marks that
> had scabbed over.
KEVIN: So bandages don't exist in this universe?
> "Because, that Bitch decided she was going to feed on me, and not
> do anything else, when she promised me she'd turn me" he said.
BILL: [Man] I capitalized "Bitch!" That's how serious I am!
MIKE: Hell hath no fury like a fangbanger scorned!
> The other man nodded and continued to sharpen the stakes.
KEVIN: [New Englander accent] Yep. I s'pose.
> "I know you told us that Johnny...but why're we gonna do it? I
> mean, are you sure it was Roxanne? It could've been any other
> Vampire" another man said.
MIKE: So this is a world where vampires are a known entity, but the
twenty-feet tall city-wrecking robots aren't? Whatever, fanfic.
> 'Johnny' snapped his head around to the third man and stalked over
> to him.
>
> "Roxanne Jones is the only Vampire in Mission City you dumbass. No
> other vampire lives here, at least not that I know of" he said.
BILL: Way to be firm there, Van Helsing.
MIKE: [Johnny] That's the creature that cheated me out of eternal
life! I think!
> The third man nodded and looked down. Johnny looked up, on his left
> eye was a scar that ran from his left eyebrow down to the left of
> his mouth.
KEVIN: [Vampyrex1] That has no plot sigificance: I just thought the
scene needed some butching up.
> "I'll stake her for what she did to me..." he said.
MIKE:[Johnny, sobbing] She promised to turn me into Eric Northman!
*sniff*
> ******TF******
ALL: [Transformers Scene Change Bumper]
> Roxie and Will got to the plane that would take them to Diego
> Garcia and Roxie smiled as she got out or Ironhide.
BILL: I suppose it does no good to ask why they're going out their
way to have her meet Optimus, does it?
MIKE: Nope. Just roll with it.
> "So...tell me. What's this Optimus like?" She asked.
>
> Will grinned as he sat down.
>
> "He's...authoritive. I definately look up to him.
KEVIN: [Will] Cuz' he's so tall, y'see!
BILL: Oh, fanfic! Don't try to get all witty on us now!
> He has a calming presence,
KEVIN: Just so long as you don't actually look at him, of course.
> and has this amazing ability to stay calm in any situation" he
> said.
MIKE: [Will] He also likes to sacrifice himself at the drop of a hat.
We don't like to talk about it.
> Roxie leaned back on the side of the plane and chuckled.
>
> "He sounds like a hero" she said.
>
> Will nodded.
>
> "He is" he said.
BILL: [Ironhide] I'm still in this, right? The 'bot Vampirella here
was creaming herself over? Just checking!
> Roxie sighed with an uneeded breath.
>
> "Sounds cool. I'm gonna have a nap, wake me when we get there" she
> said.
>
> Will smiled and let her sleep.
KEVIN: Since when do vampires... You know what. Forget it. That
particular rabbit hole can wait!
> ******TF******
ALL: [Transformers Scene Change Bumper]
> A/N: Here's the second chapter. Thank you for the reviews. Could I
> be cheeky and ask for some more? Thank you too:
>
> Xbee-rox98X
> XLorna RoxenX
> XSilver Eyed SlayerX
MIKE: [Vampyrex1] And thank you, Awesome X, X The Ex-Ex and Exed
Exxes.
> for your wonderful reviews ^_^
BILL: Yes, thank you all so bloody much...
--
My name is Freezer and my anti-drug is porn.
http://freezer.livejournal.com/
http://mst3kfreezer.livejournal.com/
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